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Does this sound like too much....?

43 replies

Brewster · 26/04/2015 19:08

I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old and am 20 weeks pregnant.

I am a stay at home mum but I also work from home for my husbands company which is all internet based and takes up about 4 hours a week but I feel it is always hanging over my head as another of my jobs/roles to play.

I pay all the bills, organise all activities, do all the cleaning, bed changing, cooking, shopping, dog walking, vets , medications etc. most household decisions are mine, all discipline is mine to decide, ...pretty muchly anything that is not to do with being the main breadwinner is my role.

I am feeling very hemmed in, i have no option but to do all these jobs and be there fore everyone 24/7.

My husband does do school drop off in the mornings and is home by about 6.30 most nights but plays 2nd fiddle to me always.

He has never taken the kids anywhere by himself.

Even if i wanted to go out to work scant as i couldn't put the kids in full time care/after school clubs etc.

I have no interests outside the kids and house and i am now at a point where i feel i am going crazy.

It could of course be the pregnancy hormones pushing me over the edge but before i got pregnant i only had a year left and then i could go be me and do something for myself as then my little one would be off to school....now it will be another 5 years as the new baby will need looking after.


I am at the end of my tether and feel i have no options....

OP posts:
georgievann · 26/04/2015 20:44

Hi Brewster,
You're not alone. Do you know why your hubby hasnt taken the kids anywhere on his own?

I had something similar, my hubby worked very long hours and wasnt home much, as result he kinda felt out of his depth when it came to the kids, and actually felt like he would do something wrong because I was the boss when it came to the home, could that be the same thing?

G

Littlefish · 26/04/2015 20:49

What happens at weekend? Does your dh play an equal role in the household chores/childcare etc?

Why hasn't he ever had the children on his own? What would happen if you told him you were going out on Saturday and would be back in 3 hours?

"I am feeling very hemmed in, i have no option but to do all these jobs and be there fore everyone 24/7." - Can you expand a bit more on why you feel like you have no option?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 26/04/2015 20:55

are you doing more than other SAHMs? apart from the 4hrs a week(!)

and why cant the kids go to full time care (except you'll be off in 'Mat leave' with new baby) but really?

it wont be 5 years as your child will be in nursery?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 26/04/2015 20:56

or part time care?

Brewster · 26/04/2015 21:24

He will have the kids at home if i go out for a little bit.

My daughter goes to preschool two days a week so i have two days where i have less than 6 hours on my own but in that time i have to get all the stuff done that is easier to do when i am on my own.

They can't go into full time care as i don't want them to ..... i believe a mother should bring up and look after her children - not someone else.


I have no option cos i have no family around to help out, i could not bring in enough money to justify not being home and i won't put them in full time care...who else is going to do all these things if not me?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/04/2015 21:39

What happens at weekends?

So, your 6 year old is in school every day and your 3 year old is at pre-school 2 days a week.

At the moment, you have 2 school length days that are child free, although that will change when the baby is born.

When does your 3 year old start school? Is it this September or next September?

There is no reason why your dh shouldn't share all of the house/garden work with you at the weekend and in the evenings. Does this happen at the moment?

If I'm honest, it sounds like you actually have more child-free time than most people. Could you make sure that you do at least one thing for yourself every week during that time, even if it's just to go out for a coffee with a friend, go for a walk/swim or sit down and read a book for an hour?

Brewster · 26/04/2015 21:44

Next september.

I don't have all that time free as that is when i have to do the majority of my work for my husband.
I can't get much done with my aughter around - work wise so I have to get it all done then.
Some weeks it is more and some less.

No weekends are still me mainly doing everything.

Really don't think that i have more time that most that is child free - well depends where you live i guess - but certainly not where i live.

And yes once baby here that will go down to 0.

i am not very good at doing anything for myself - i feel very much like my plate is very full so i don't have much time for anything else.

I also suffer from a medical condition that makes me quite tired and sometimes quite ill so that doenst help matters much.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/04/2015 21:51

Why are you doing everything at weekends and the evenings.

This is your main problem.

Ok, you have 12 hours child-free and spend about 4 hours of that on work for your dh's business. That still leaves 8 hours without children around.

You need to prioritise time for yourself. You sound exhausted.

Your dh does the morning drop off at 8.30 and gets to work at 9ish? He's home at 6.30pm ish. That's really not a particularly long day in my opinion.

You need to have a serious conversation with your dh and share the running of the household more evenly.

georgievann · 26/04/2015 21:54

What is your dh's job?

Brewster · 26/04/2015 21:55

he works 10 mins away so he isn't spending anytime commuting.

Again it isn't 8 hours cos i have to get to school.

But either way - what am i going to do in that time?
I can't go very far and anyway right now i am too tired to drive far.

Yes we have had the conversation many many times and it changes for a week then goes back again.

I am very fed up, depressed and very angry and don't have any solution to any of it.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/04/2015 22:00

Have a bath
Read a book
Go for a short walk
Cook a lovely lunch for yourself
Talk to a friend on the phone
Invite a friend round for lunch
Teach yourself to knit/sew/paint

All of these things can be done at home, but are something you can do for yourself.

Have you spoken to your GP?

Your problem in all this really is your DH. He is being very unfair. You are unwell and pregnant.

Could you have the conversation again and write down exactly what the expectations are of both of you with regard to house/garden work?

Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:10

I was thinking - you it has nothing to do with being child free... it is that no one is taking care of me.
Everything is on my shoulders and mine alone and i have nothing for me...

I don't want to just have a bath or read a book i want something that is mine for me.

but what can one do in such a short space of time that is meaningful?


I looked into volunteering with animals but they want you there everyday for a set amount of time which of course i can't do.

I want to learn to scuba but now i am pregnant i can't.

i don't want to take any evening classes cos by then i am knackered and don't want to go out again.

There are no pregnancy yoga or whatever classes on on days or times that suit my schedule .

I just feel very alone, very sad and used up.

OP posts:
Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:12

My husband owns his own business which is great cos he can kinda come and go as he pleases and can sometimes work from home.

He is very successful at it but it is all consuming so even in the evenings he works but really he doesn't need to but cos it is his company he feels he needs to constantly be checking in that all emails are answered etc

OP posts:
georgievann · 26/04/2015 22:12

Is your DH under a lot of stress at work? Is there a reason why he's not able to help out as much? 9 to 6.30 sounds like a long working day, seeing as the average is 9 to 5!

Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:15

I have started my own pet sitting business and have a few regular clients but that is usually during school holidays.

i really enjoy it and am trying to grow the business so i have more clients and more animals to go see .... this is MY thing. I made it, i run it and i love it but at the moment it is very slow....

takes a while to build a large client base.
waiting waiting waiting...

OP posts:
Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:18

yes he is under stress as he worries all the time that he hasn't succeed or that it will all disappear over night.

both totally untrue but that is the risk when you own it all yourself i guess.

he knows he needs to help more and he tells me when the new baby comes he will be better but.....

he is loads better now than he ever used to be it is just on weekends like this one i feel very fed up.


i just want to be appreciated and feel like something is this life is for me you know but if everything is my job to run and control and organise how will that ever happen?

Never had it yet and i don't see how that will change.

think the pal is that once very one is at school i can do my thing but like i said now with the new baby on the way that just went up from 1 more year to another 5....

OP posts:
BigSmilesCheesyPie · 26/04/2015 22:20

When was the last time you went out on a Saturday and got your hair done or bought a few new maternity clothes or had lunch with a friend who makes you feel great?

I always used to find the 20 week mark of pregnancy really tough, every time...this was about the time I needed to get out for a damn good cheering up! Not sure why, possibly because I was tired already and knew there was quite a way still to go.

Sometimes I think the SAHM route is really hard, but I don't agree with you when you say i believe a mother should bring up and look after her children - not someone else should that not read and mother and a father?

If you are doing work for your DH then I would tell him that you can do 4 hours, and when you can do them. If you are DC free on Wednesdays then tell him you will do from 10am - 2pm, anything that cannot be done in that time will have to be done by him.

christinarossetti · 26/04/2015 22:27

If you're running a business and working pt for your husband, then you're working. Most people need childcare when they're at work.

After your mat leave, why not put the baby into childcare for a day or two half days a week so that you can work?

It does sound like your dh is part of the problem, but you're also making a rod for your own back if you don't consider childcare for the baby when you're working.

It might be in principle that you believe that a mother/parents should provide sole childcare for the first three years or whatever, but if the thought of that for the next few years is making you unhappy, buying in childcare increases the options for you.

Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:29

The role i do for him is not a him or me kinda thing.
I run a whole section of the company so have to answer emails with clients, read lots of documents, review things etc.

I get it done very fast cos i have a good system in place and i am a fast worker.
Some weeks there is a lot to do and it takes a long time but other weeks not many emails or new things to do so not so long.
Some weeks i have to sit my little one down in front of peppa pig and demand quiet as there is too much to do.

Holidays with the both home are a nightmare and i really struggle but there is no option but for me to somehow get it done which will then mean me doing it after they have gone to bed when i have just had enough and the last tine i want to do it sit down and work for an hour or so but.... hey ..what choice do i have?

The company cannot function without this work i do so really i am essential to the business.

yeah maybe the 20 week mark is just driving me crazy! my little girl seems to be regressing and my boy moaning!
just too much at the moment!

OP posts:
BigSmilesCheesyPie · 26/04/2015 22:29

...also, I hate to break it to you but the whole school thing can often take up great chunks of your time too. You often need to be there at the drop of a hat, they may go through unsettled patches and you are in and out for meetings. Then there are the times when they are sick and all of your plans get thrown into the air. By the time that your DC3 gets to school your DC1 will be in KS2 and will want help with home work projects...and you'll have 3 sets of reading books to do!

I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse, its just you need to enjoy the present, even if you have to put your foot down and make changes happen.

Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:30

No i wouldnt put the baby in childcare until he/she is a year old....

i know it might make more sense but i just couldn't....

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/04/2015 22:30

I agree with Christina.

The way you are doing things at the moment is just making you unhappy. Therefore, something needs to change. If you don't think things are going to change with your dh, then perhaps you should consider the childcare option to shorten the time until you get some more child-free time.

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georgievann · 26/04/2015 22:32

"feel like something is this life is for me you know" - I think this is the real problem, there is nothing that is just yours, something you do for yourself.

U cant wait for it to find you, so you if you want to do preg yoga, find a class that fits your time, even if it means travelling a bit further. Make it work kind of approach. If you want to do scuba, whats to stop you booking classes for after the baby has come?

Def recommend lunch with some good friends, a problem shared is a prob halved.

The 20 week mark is hard, mid way through, I found it very up and down.

Brewster · 26/04/2015 22:33

not sure what you mean Big?
we have homework now that is a pain in the arse to get him to do.
eldest is about to change schools in sept to go to junior school - right when baby is due so that will be fun
and littlest will be changing preschool is sept too as we aren't too impressed with where she is now

and being available at the drop of a hat is the while point of why i can't really do my own thing.

that is why whatever i do will have to do working for myself or hubby.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/04/2015 22:34

I've just re-read your op and your subsequent posts.

You say that you feel like you have no options.

The trouble is that lots of us are suggesting different options, but you are refusing to consider any of them.

If you don't want to consider other options then I'm afraid that things will just continue as they are.

If you don't want to use a nursery, would you consider either a childminder, or a part time nanny/mother's help who will care for the children in your home while you are still there/

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