I miss my toddler now No.2 is here

(28 Posts)
YouMaySayImADreamer Mon 16-Mar-15 14:08:39

Anyone else feel or felt like this? Hoping someone can tell me it gets better.

I have a lovely 9 week old DS and a 2.1 year old DS. Before DS2 came along, DS1 was my World, my little side kick and we happily ambled along together. However DS2 arrived in January and much as I love him too, its been hard. I am ebf and DS2 feeds A LOT and will not be put down without screaming his head off. I think the screaming and attention is starting to get on DS1s nerves and make him jealous as he has started to hit DS2 which is heartbreaking for me to see for both of them.

I get out to as many groups as I can with DS1 or to the park etc as this allows me to give DS1 some attention because DS2 seems more settled when we're out and about. However it's the "getting out the house" bit that's hard. Between DS2's feeding and need for holding, it takes me all morning just to get us all fed and dressed and keep contain the mess. Sometimes I dont make the groups on time or if I do I feel like ive been such a stressy shouty mum (DS1 will either have tantrumded,destroyed something or continually hit DS2) that I wonder if theres any point in me having this one hour of fun with him since the rest of the days been no fun for him. I have a sling which helps a lot, but it doesnt help when im trying to get us all cleaned and dressed one time.

I cant even manage bedtime because DS2 cluster feeds from 6pm so I am stuck on the couch feeding. I feel like I have completely abandoned DS1 and it breaks my heart to think how he is feeling. I am so full of guilt and miss my little boy.

People offer to help by taking DS1 for a few hours but this just makes it worse because I dont want him taken away. A friend has just phoned and insisted on taking him out and Im just sat here feeding DS2 feeling so sad.

tiddleypompom Mon 16-Mar-15 14:20:11

I couldn't read & not respond to give you a virtual hug & tell you that it does get better - and that your boys will be delighted with each other & their little worlds before long. This is the tough bit, and I felt just like you.
Try to make time whilst baby sleeps for your eldest. Lots of reassurance, consistency, talking with your eldest - set up activities he can do whilst you feed his brother. Don't get so tired trying to split yourself in two that the misery takes over. It's a short time & you are needed.
I let it get to me - and was sad, which was no good for anyone. Get rest, look after yourself, let your new boy into your original 'team' of two & your eldest will respond I'm sure. Ask his opinion & let him help.
Sorry for stream of consciousness - no time to phrase well but wanted to send reassurance.

Cheeriosfortotoro Mon 16-Mar-15 14:21:06

Feel exactly the same but with 2 DDS. Its bloody hard isn't it? Dd1 is a fab little girl but I feel awful like I can never do enough with her even though everyone including my hv says I do. Just feel guilty and sad sad dd2 is a fab little lady too. I just keep telling myself its going to get better. flowers and an unmumsnety hug!

PourquoiPas Mon 16-Mar-15 14:24:47

Everyone who has a second child feels this way. It is absolutely normal to feel guilty. Jus remind yourself that you still love DS1 as much as you did, and he knows that in his heart. This stage will pass.

In practical terms, I found it really helped to get everyone dressed before DH left for work. This was crazy early, but meant it was so much easier to get out of the house.

We also kept DS1 in nursery so he could have some time away from us, where he never had to compete for my attention. This meant that as DS2 had some special time while DS1 was at nursery, then I could make DS1 the centre of our other days.

If he is happy to go and have fun with friends then let him, if he didn't want to I'm sure he would let you know! And equally, im sure you have a few friends at toddler group who would kill for some tiny baby cuddles, hand off DS2 for even 20 min and really focus on DS1.

I read some brilliant advice on here before Dc2 was born, that if you have to choose between a toddler and a baby crying always ALWAYS go to the toddler. The baby won't remember or care that it was left to cry for a minute or two, but toddlers are far less forgiving.

LittleRedDinosaur Mon 16-Mar-15 14:25:28

I feel exactly like that. DS is 5 months now and it is much easier but I do feel like I've let DD down by not being there for her like I used to be.

Mrsantithetic Mon 16-Mar-15 14:28:29

Totally gets better.

Dd was 20 months when ds was born. I felt the same. Both are breast fed too which just added to the guilt but we are 7 months in now and it's fine. Got massively easier around the 3 month mark and now they are entertaining each other. Dd went through a smacking him stage around the 6 week mark which lasted a month or so and broke my heart but since her speech improved and she soon adapted. It does get better wink

RatOnnaStick Mon 16-Mar-15 14:33:00

I've been there too. I remember DS1 looking totally fed up eating his dinner aged about 2.5 when DS2 just would not stop screaming. I felt like a failure for being unable to be there for him without having his brother tag along as well and I couldn't put DS2 down at all so there was little one on one time for DS1. He spent a lot of time with Daddy.

Anyway, here is a picture of two best friends aged 4 and 2. They are each other's world now when they stop fighting

It does get better, promise.

tiddleypompom Mon 16-Mar-15 14:35:16

Don't try and do too much - lower your expectations a little & you'll disappoint yourself less! You can leave the house without having to go to a group. Try just going for a puddle jump ('you can teach your brother to jump when he's a bit bigger' etc). If ds2 falls asleep on the move then you get some time with ds1. We used to go for walks with small in the buggy & his big brother would collect twigs/leaves etc to make a collage with when we got home. Or go & visit a cafe for cake & a drink as a treat when ds1 went to sleep. I talked a lot about when ds1 was a baby & what we used to do together. I also bought a few really good DVDs to watch together whilst feeding baby.
You have two very young children. Cut yourself some slack, try and get some rest, stop pushing yourself so hard that you end up 'failing'. Take up offers of help & let your eldest know he's loved. You'll all adjust soon I promise.

notasleep Mon 16-Mar-15 16:38:39

Yes... Know how you feel.

I would second poster above who said get yourselves all ready while your Dp is about to help in the morning.

Try to get a bag of stuff ready for the next day to just grab as you go out of the door....

Do you have a double buggy? On bad days i strap them both in with a snack (and sometimes TV..) and run around getting ready.! My older one has left the house in her pjs often and the younger one lived in a baby Gro for at least the first 6 months.

Also I would ask people to take the baby out for an hour or so when he's just had a feed so you can spend time with your older one.

flipflopsonfifthavenue Mon 16-Mar-15 19:05:31

This post has made me weepy. Ds1 is 2.7yo and DS2 4mo.
I feel same as you, I miss DS1 so so much. I keep thinking "if only I could get DS2 to sleep anywhere except on me or in the aling then I could have some time with DS1 and it'll be like old times"
For weeks I was chasing this feeling of the old times. And then it dawned on me that it never would be like that. Even when I'm with DS1 at the back of my mind im thinking about DS2 - is he ok, does he need me?- so much so that I can't fully relax with DS1. It's sad and I miss when it was just the two of us.
DP is around a lot and so spends lots of time with DS1 which is great but I often feel that I get 'stuck' with DS2 while they go off and have fun. For the longest time it felt that DP and I were two single parents sharing a house.
Thankfully DS1 has mostly been adoring of DS2 and no real jealousy. He's a typical 2yo so lots of tantrums voicing his feelings, but that would have happened regardless I think.
I know what you mean about people taking DS1 to be helpful. I'd rather they too DS2 and give DS1 and I some proper time together!!

My aims are:
Get DS2 into an occasional bottle
Get DS2 to stop hating the buggy so I don't have to use sling anymore
Get DP to do sling naps at weekend so I can do somethjng with DS1 more often.
Feel weepy because it's hard but also because of lovely things people have said.
They may not think it now but we've guven our DC1 a wonderful gift smile

AddictedtoGreys Mon 16-Mar-15 20:29:52

I have a 22 month old DS and I am thinking about having another baby, but this post is totally putting me off confused

letsplayscrabble Mon 16-Mar-15 20:34:03

It's really tricky. This may be heresy, but have you thought of not EBF? My number 2 was very hungry. I could have EBF for a few months, but would basically have been stuck on the sofa all day ignoring my oldest one. Instead after about a month he was on breast morning and evening (before older one woke up/after she went to bed) and formula in the day. He's fine. She's fine. Sometimes it's about the bigger picture.

BrianButterfield Mon 16-Mar-15 20:38:29

I think it's normal to feel like this. If it helps, my two are now 3.5 and 15m - when I asked DS if he remembered DD being a little baby he said no! To him she's always been here and he knows no different, they wind each other up sometimes but I also found him kissing her on the head when he thought I wasn't looking!

YouMaySayImADreamer Mon 16-Mar-15 20:42:53

Oh my goodness I am in tears reading some of these replies! Thank you all thanks .

Very reassuring to hear that it does get better...I just hope my DS1 forgives me and isnt emotionally scarred from these few months! I also hope our relationship is as strong as it was when we come out the other end.

I dont think it helps that he has hit the "terrible" twos at the exact time I had DS2. He doesnt speak too well yet and im not sure of how much I say he understands so I continually tell him hes my baby too and I love him but I dont think he has a clue what im saying. He is also very active and distractable so not the type to sit and cuddle whilst I feed or even do an activity unless im doing it with him. DS2 is also very distractable when feeding and to get my attention DS1 will constantly pull his face off to kiss him or sit on us which I try to gently tell him not to do but he gets upset and frustrated.

flipflops it sounds like we feel exactly he same, it is so hard isn't it! I totally agree, whilst I love DS2 to pieces and have bonded really well, I feel exactly how you describe - like I am constantly "stuck" with him whilst DP takes DS1 off and does fun things. As you say, I just want someone to take DS2 so I can spend some time with my big boy.

There are some fab suggsestions though thank you. I think aiming to get dressed before DP leaves would work well and I dont have many people around but I have a couple who may take DS2 for an hour or so to allow me to spend time with DS1.

I just hope in time that my two boys love each other and have a strong bond with met too. Thanks for all the support and unmumsnetty hugs, much needed!

waterrat Mon 16-Mar-15 20:50:22

You are in the really really hard bit

Two year olds are massively hard work - you would be facing tantrums Etc even without a baby - in six months I promise you will be so so much happier - baby sitting up and not feeding so much - toddler speaking more clearly

The change in my toddler between 2 an 2.5 then the same again to 3 has just been so enormous - by 2.5 it will be really different and you have got it all done and out of the way!!

YouMaySayImADreamer Mon 16-Mar-15 20:53:30

Sorry I missed a couple of posts there, and sorry I havent replied individually but there is some really good practical advice in all of your posts that I will happily give a go.

Letsplay I havent to be honest because I am very keen to ebf but also I feel like I have got through a lot of he hard but now and in not too long DS2 should settle into more predictable and spaced out feeding. I also literally dont know how I would ever get out the house if I had to sort bottles too!

flipflopsonfifthavenue Mon 16-Mar-15 21:05:07

When DS2 was a few days old I noticed DS1 looking sad on the sofa and I asked him what was wrong and he said, sadly, "mummy had a baby". I was heartbroken!! Now when I tell him that he and I are going to do x y or z today, he'll say "and DS2!!". I think he already can't imagine or remember life without him.

One thing that helps is to get out as a family as much as possible that way you're not stuck with the baby. My mil is here for two weeks visiting and it's great having the help but also I'm now only needed for DS2s feeds and naps as she's spending loads of time with DS1. Sometimes I feel I have to fight her over who's go it is to read him a book...

It does get better and I'm not even at the stage some other people are on the post. I started a post a few weeks ago about the same thing wondering if DS1 will ever come back to me. One lady said, very honestly, that she thinks in some ways they never do. And I think she's right. The intensity of those yrs with your first child are gone forever. I keep telling myself that I have a younger brother with the same age gap as my boys and I have no memory of before he was born nor do I remember ever feeling jealous of him.
Siblings are great. You're doing great flowers

flipflopsonfifthavenue Mon 16-Mar-15 21:12:23

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/a2321690-When-do-DC1s-come-back-to-you

Honeypot1 Mon 16-Mar-15 21:28:42

thanks You're doing a good job, promise. It was about this time after DD2 that I got a crazy bargain electric breast pump. The kind that literally made me want to moo. Much better than the manual one is struggled with for DD1. I too wanted to EBF both but found it hard with a toddler. So, with fab new pump I would express after my day feeds so that in the evening I could put Dd1 to bed knowing DH could spend quality time with DD2 with a stash of milk if need be. It was literally 45 mins & so good to know I was letting neither child down. And DH loved being to help more, practically too. All the best and yes, it gets so much easier! smile

letsplayscrabble Mon 16-Mar-15 21:43:56

I also literally dont know how I would ever get out the house if I had to sort bottles too!

yes, I ended up spending a fortune on those premixed cartons.....

Cookiesallforme Mon 16-Mar-15 21:46:15

It does and it will get better OP. I completely empathise with you as last year I had my DS2 when DS1 was 3.1 ( albeit a bit older than your first DS).

When I had DS2 I remember thinking what the hell have I done having another baby. My DS 1 was at home with DH and I was in hospital filled with love for this new precious DS 2 and yet was mourning when it was just DS1 and me. The two of us. More than anything I was worried sick how DS1 was coping and was he okay. I missed him like crazy as I had never spent a night away from him and yet I was here in hospital without him for two nights. Might sound ridiculously silly but coupled with hormones, emotions and lack of sleep and everything else that comes with having a baby, I was in a right old state!

At 6 days post birth, I developed a huge bleeding haematoma , on my c section wound. It bled like crazy and right through the c section dressing, onto my clothes and was just oozing blood. DH rang the maternity unit and was told to take me to triage back up on labour ward.

Long story short; upon arrival I was a sobbing and hormonal mess. I was hysterical at the thought of leaving DS 1 again should I be re admitted into hospital and was utterly exhausted at constantly BF DS 2 who fed all. The. Time. Fortunately I wasn't re admitted and was at home again a few hours later as I begged them to hurry up and treat me as I was apart from my DC ( who were both in the car with DH at Thetis point who was driving up and down the long A road near to the hospital In an attempt to get DS 2 to sleep!)

Moral of my story is that it really does get better, that you are doing a great job of being a Mum and that you must go easy on yourself. Your DS 1 is and will be okay.

Take each day as it comes and what I found great was to read books, do drawings, any sort of sitting activity with DS1 whilst feeding DS2.

I second getting dressed early but also go easy on yourself if you don't make it to groups etc

I remember crying to my BF over this and she said to me " But you have given X a brother. A playmate. A best friend . You have given him something very precious".

Take it easy OP. It will get better.

Virtual hugs.

YouMaySayImADreamer Mon 16-Mar-15 22:02:25

Thanks waterrat its good to know things can only get better! I was hoping that as they both can do a bit more it would be the case. I knew it would be hard with two but I only ever thought about the practical side and my only emotional worry was that I wouldnt feel the same love for DS2 which of course I do. If anything I have surprised myseld by how primitive ive been about protecting and meeting DS2s needs and can totally relate flipflops when you say that you cant help having DS2 at the back of your mind the whole time you do get time with DS1 - I suppose it is natural with them being your baby but it does feel like a betrayal.

Flipflops your advice and experiences help so much, thank you. Just cried buckets again reading your thread!! I kindve hope that its not true that they never really come back...hes only 2, I dont feel like I had enough time with him being my baby, I dont want it to end prematurely just because I had DS2 even though I accept that eventually he will grow up! It is so true about siblings as the reason I wanted more than one is I am one of four and we are all close, and I am also close to my dm despite being the third child. I will cling onto that!

Thanks honeypot I think that is a really good idea about expressing for bedtime. I do bedtime twice a week whilst juggling both DCs and I really enjoy that time with DS1 even though its tricky with DS2 on the boob at the same time!

tiddleypompom Mon 16-Mar-15 22:21:56

They will adore each other. Their relationship with each other will give them happiness, strength, solace, companionship & consistency for all their lives. You will get to watch that relationship develop - its magic. More magic than you know - so much magic to come!
Keep on keeping on - by summer you'll all be in the swing of things & by the time ds2 is walking you'll be watching them share a game or joke or song & itll all be worthwhile.
I had forgotten how hard it was (my two are 3.6 & just 2 now) till I read the op, which prompted me to look at a picture of ds1 the day his brother was born - there is some loss to recognise, but I know that neither me, ds1 or dh could or would want to imagine life without our beautiful ds2 in it.

YouMaySayImADreamer Wed 18-Mar-15 06:52:29

Sorry I am just getting a minute to reply! I missed a couple of posts too - cookie thank you, you are so right, they are a gift to each other and I always hoped theyd grow up happily together, I just hadnt considered how it might impact on DS1s relationship with me. I hope that it remains strong albeit altered. Your story just rings so true for me too! I chose to stay a night in hospital after DS2 was born but when DP and DS1 came to visit and Id seem the sadness in DS1s face (and he wouldnt kiss me) I cried and cried when they were leaving. It was when it hit me that things had changed forever and I felt awful thay I was on such a huge high and filled with such new love for DS2.

tiddley your post has helped so much, and made me very emotional in a good way! I hope they can be the best of friends as brother, and as you say, bet there for each other especially when one day we are gone. Thats what I had envisaged for them. Your post is lovely and makes me all goosepimply to read it smile

catellington Sat 02-May-15 14:51:05

I feel exactly like this, dd1 is 2.2, dd2 is 2 weeks

There are a few lovely moments but lots of tears too from all of us. Looking forward to when it all hopefully settles down a bit

Dh and I arguing a lot but hopefully this will all soon be a distant memory

flowers and congratulations to you

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