Over Anxious Grandmother newborn grandson out to club?

[fultime]

Hi
I wonder if you can give me some good advice, you always have in the past so I hope you can help me with this one. My daughter (who is not speaking to e at the moment) had her first child two weeks ago, I was present at his birth and cut his cord and have been a big part of the pregnancy (went to the classes with her) and of course the birth. I already have two grandchildren with my son and his partner but of course have had a much closer part in my daughters pregnancy and birth than I did with his so I guess I do feel a quicker bond with the new little boy. My Daughter and her partner have planned to take him to the local club this weekend as they have a lot of friends and they would like to see him. I can understand they want to show him off but I think a baby less than 3 weeks old should not be in a crowded environment in a small family room when he has not had any immunisation yet, especially at this time of year with colds and flu etc etc about, I just don't think its worth the risk and they should wait until he is at least 2 months old and has had his immunisation. I'm afraid I voiced my fears to her and she has taken it very badly but I had to say it as I would never have forgiven myself if he did catch something and I had not voiced my fears to her, I tried to say it in a jovial way, saying I'm probably and over anxious nanny and she of course must do what she thinks best, but she hasn't taken it that way at all and thinks I am being 'negative' and its no different to taking him to the local clinic, which I'm afraid I don't agree with as the local clinic is a first mums one and will only have mums and there new babies, she will only be there for half an hour at the most, whereas at the family room in the club there will be lots of kids in and out, people peering at him, breathing on him and asking to hold him. Am I being old fashioned with this as it really worrys me, what do other young Mums think please. Have I done wrong in telling her that I don't think she should take him just yet? We are so very close and I love her to bits and would do anything for her so hate this 'bad feeling' that is happening because of what I have said. Help please!

[SenoraPostrophe]

I think you're being over-anxious.

The immunisations at 2 months do not protect against colds and flu anyway - they protect against diseases which are now quite rare thanks to immunisation and it's highly unlikely he'll get any of them from a family gathering. I usually ask children to wash their hands before touching a new baby but I don't always even do that and i certainly wouldn't avoid people for fear of disease.

OTOH I think your daughter has over-reacted but then she is in hormone turmoil at the moment. I suggest a big bunch of flowers or some other peace offering (a few of those frozen meals that used to be advertised on mn?)

[anniediv]

I understand your concern, but I think you need to leave this up to you daughter. I have 2 older daughters, so when dd3 was born, she was exposed to all the bugs they were bringing home from school, it was unavoidable . Also, when she was a week old we attended a family funeral, and she was passed around with no harm being done. Immunisations won't really protect him from coughs and sniffles anyway. I would be more concerned that as it is a club, people in the vicinity might be smoking.

I don't think you should fall out with your daughter over this fultime, there are bound to be lots of things you disagree on. Just enjoy your grandson when you can!

[lulunaticmama]

my dd joined us for dinner in a crowded restaurant when 48 hours old= and came to now harm! my best friend took her 48 hour old to a play space as she had a toddler too who needed entertaining

i can understand your concern, and of course the extra special bond you have with this child,,,unfortunately, no new mum likes it to be stated or implied she is doing something that could
harm her child.

she wants to show off her darling baby and to her you are trying to bring her down.

i can see both points of view, but i would go to see your daughter and kiss and make up and let her make her own judgements, hard to bite your tongue as a doting grandma, but thems the breaks x

you sound like a lovely caring lady

[lulunaticmama]

BTW - it is obvious you are concerned for the baby's welfare and the point about smoking made by another poster is reasonable - your daughtger would have heard the negative critical element of waht you were saying rather than your concern

[noonar]

you dont say what kind of club it is. i'd be much more concerned about: bright lights, smoke, excessive noise- in short, sensory overload! don't think the illness issue would occur to me unless someone in the room was obviously unwell.

hope you sort it out soon.

ps i know you mean well, but speakingas a mum of 2 it can be annoying when parents/ inlaws think they know best. probably best to bite your tongue in future

[TwigTwoolett]

he's a baby and not a puppy that hasn't had his shots yet

he'll be fine

I think you should just say sorry to her for making her feel she's doing the wrong thing, that you love her and your grandson and you're really sad she's upset with you .. don't forget she's a hormonal mess and probably feels that you're judging her ability to be a mother

[LIZS]

Sorry also think you are being over protective. He isn't your child to decide for, however close you and your dd are normally, and this will be the first of many times where it is better to hold your tongue unless asked for advice. As long as the atmosphere isn't excessively smoky and they are sensible about keeping him away from obviously snotty nosed kids he really isn't any more at risk than a trip to a shopping centre, doctors, flying etc.

[TwigTwoolett]

all she wants from you is that you express amazement and pride at her ability to mother .. and to do things right .. that you are proud of her and think she's doing a fabulous job

she wants your approval

[TwigTwoolett]

the slightest hint that she is making the wrong kind of decision will really throw her a loop and she'll over-react (as you have seen)

[fultime]

Thanks for the quick replies, you are sweet, yes I guess I am suitably reprimanded by you all and must just learn to bite my tongue. I have already said sorry to her but she won't have it unless I change my opinion and I couldn't do that, I just said if she was happy with it then that was great but I guess I will have to eat humble pie. I have constantly told her what a brilliant Mum she is (she is) and how very proud of her we both are, it was just this little hiccup really but I guess things change and I havn't had a baby for 28 years so must go with the times. I will try harder!!

[lemonaid]

I also think you are being over-protective, sorry. And, as pp said, the injections wouldn't protect him against colds or flu anyway (although in the interests of strict honesty, they do protect against whooping cough, which can often seem in its early stages just like 'a bit of a cough' -- but it's still extremely unlikely that your grandson would contract it on one visit to a club).

Absolutely no situation is entirely risk-free, and your daughter and her partner have made their own risk assessment in making their decision. It might not be the same decision you'd have made, but it's a perfectly reasonable one. And I do think you were out of line in telling her that you disagreed with her decision.

On the other hand, it sounds as though she's overreacted a bit to the situation -- but then she's a mass of hormones and nerves at the moment so I can see why.

I think your best bet is a really grovelling apology -- tell her that you love her to bits, that you always thought that she would make a fantastic mother but that you are constantly impressed at how incredibly well she is doing, and that you can't imagine anyone would ever be better than her at looking out for [grandson]'s wellbeing. Then tell her that because you know that, you were completely out of order to question her decision about what is best for her son, that you will try your best not to do it again and that if she ever thinks you are doing it in future she should remind you of this conversation and you will back off.

It needs to be an unreserved apology -- any comments along the lines of "you must do what you think is best" tend to carry a subtext of "but I still think you are WRONG!" even if you try very hard to keep it out.

If she's not talking to you, you could put it in a card, and maybe send with an appropriate gift?

[lemonaid]

Sorry, cross-posted.

So far as admitting your opinion was wrong goes, on top of the rest of it you could say "I've thought about what I said, and I was wrong to say you should wait for his vaccinations. You are right that there is no need to wait for his vaccinations before taking him out.". That maintains strict honesty (you were wrong to say that because the vaccinations themselves won't make any noticeable difference), allows you to retain (in private!) your belief that your underlying opinion that she just shouldn't take him to the club that young anyway, vaccinations or no vaccinations, and is a sufficiently thorough retraction that it will probably satisfy her.

[edam]

Aw, you may be over-reacting, but only because you care. Yes, your daughter's over-reacting too but she's hormone-driven and suffering from lack of sleep. Agree you will probably have to grovel, sorry. But one day you'll both be able to laugh about it. Probably...

(My mum had a huge go at me because I wanted to take ds to the supermarket. Apparently it's a nasty dirty place full of germs and unsuitable for a small baby. Can't remember what I said back but if I hadn't been sleep deprived and recovering from birth I'd probably have laughed affectionately rather than snapped.)

[JoolsTOOOOOOOoooooooooo]

fultime - don't know how old you are but when my dd was born in 1972 we were told not to venture outside for 2 weeks!

Of course, times and recommendations change
I wouldn't worry, as others have said, she's hormonal and probably a bit anxious about being a mum, all you can do is be there when she needs you and try not give the benefit of your wisdom unless asked. It's hard and not always possible - I know

[TwigTwoolett]

I think being a grandmother is probably far harder in the early stages than being a mother

after all whatever the mum does is RIGHT per se because it is her child .. but whatever granny does HAS to be wrong if it doesn't agree with them

I pity my mother .. but then she's a mad old bat and deserves everything she gets ..

I am still trying to convince Jools to adopt me

[belgo]

Be very careful about giving unwanted advice. I've been at the recieving end of it, and it can be very offensive, undermining you as a mother. Do not give advice unless you are asked for it, otherwise it can be seen as interfering, however well meaning on your part. Trust your dd to make the best decisions for her child.

[juuule]

As long as she knows that the final decision is hers ,surely you are allowed an opinion. As long as you give your opinion kindly and diplomatically I don't see what the problem should be. You are her mother not a neighbour, etc and if you have been so close throughout the pregnancy I would think she respects your comments. For what it's worth I would be hesitant to take my 2week old baby into a crowded club so I completely understand your concerns. Having said that I did take my 6day old baby to my cousins wedding and the meal afterwards. However, we left when the evening stuff started. I didn't like the noise level and people were smoking. Time for a quick exit imo.

[tribpot]

You clearly meant nothing but the best for your dd and her new baby (congrats to all). However - here is something I have noticed about my mum, who is a grandma 11 times over so knows a thing or two.

She never. I repeat. Never. Says "I think you should/shouldn't do that".

If asked for her opinion, she will give it, and she will sometimes 'suggest', like "shall we try such-and-such at lunchtime?" but in a way that makes clear the decision-making authority rests with me/dh.

Hope you can straighten things out! (For what it's worth, when I was struggling with breastfeeding my MIL came out with the classic "surely it's natural, I can't see what the problem is". So if you think you have stepped over the mark, you ain't seen nothing!)

[fultime]

Read all that you have to say and I have made my apologies to her and told her I was wrong to make her feel she was doing a 'bad' thing, told her how proud we are of her and what a brilliant job she is doing, which she is, she has breast fed him wonderfully, he is really good and she hasn't had sleepless nights with him he has been going five hours feeding then another five hours so thats wonderful! I've eaten humble pie she was a little short with me but has said she loves me and knows I was only thinking what was best for my grandson because I love him so much I told her I will keep my 'big nose out' in future, which I will try really hard to do I promise!! Thanks for all your good advice as per usual. It is really hard being a grandma, I am 52 by the way, everything was done so differently in my day so its hard to come to terms with what is the 'norm' now and I didn't just tell her what I thought she should do I just said couldn't she wait until he was a little older and stronger, I would just be so sad if he did contract anything because it seems a needless thing to do at the moment, but I promise I won't say that, maybe just think it and keep my old granny fingers crossed that all will be ok, which I'm sure it will be.
Thanks again.
K

[liquidclocks]

Hi fultime - just read your thread bottom to top and very pleased to read you've made up with your daughter! Me and my mum have a very delicate relationship when it comes to giving/receiving parenting advice, all I can say is she's better at it now than 2 years ago when DS1 was born! Practice makes perfect!

I was also going to add that when DS1 and I were released from hospital 3 days after he was born we went home for about 4hrs then went to a pub (not too smoky) for a meal with my grandparents (and extended family) who were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary (and I still think the present of their first great grandchild's presence was the best gift I could have given them!). DS1 was fine, he slept all the way through but as for me, my milk came in that evening and I was in agony! - but it was still worth it.

[tribpot]

fultime, my mum is 58 - I do know what you mean and to be honest, I wouldn't have taken my ds into that environment so young. Not strong reason why not, I just wouldn't have wanted to.

It is difficult to keep up with shifting tides of advice/opinion and it's such an emotive subject that (as - ahem - sometimes happens on MN) it can divide the best of us. I think in general there is no era with all the right answers, just take it as it comes.

[JoolsTOOOOOOOoooooooooo]

glad you've made that apology fultime.

You're my generation (but younger!) so I know how you feel.