Should I just leave him to get on with things....

[Flowertop]

Hi have posted in the past about concerns with DS1 who is nearly 8. He does not like to do anything new and shys away from it. For example he loves football has been going every Sat. morning with village team for about a year (he hated it at first!) loves it and looks forward to playing. I thought it would be a good idea for him to join some extra f/ball training to get his confidence up and have some more fun. I made sure there would be others from his class there too. Tonight he told me he didn't want to go as he felt really nervous about going somewhere new. I reassured him that this was understandable but if he does avoid things he fears he will not have the fun and will not know what he is missing. In essence he is like this with everything that is presented to him and ends up saying that he isn't going to go. I am always trying new ways to get him involved in activities and am sure that his reluntance stems from his lack of self confidence. Am I being unkind to be persistant or shall I carry on. He doesn't have many friends which does not seem to bother him ATMoment not that he would share with me. I just feel that if he gets into a cycle of avoidance because he is scared he will end up missing out on so much through life. Any advice would be welcome.
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[sunnydelight]

He sounds very much like my son, who is also nearly 8. The idea of new things really freaks him out; his automatic response to a suggestion of trying something new is no (he usually bursts into tears), yet if he does try things he will very often enjoy them and take pride in the fact that he can do something. DHs inclination is to force the issue but I have learnt over the years that it just doesn't work. It so clearly causes my son distress I don't think it is worth it. We were very lucky in that swimming was one of the things that he really didn't want to try. I put him in various classes and after a week he would be "sick" every week and thus avoid the lessons. One time I found a small class with a lovely teacher who my son really took to, but it was just an intensive weeks course. I approached the teacher afterwards and arranged one to one lessons - DS1 was swimming confidently within four weeks!!! Now if he says he can't do something we say "remember when you were scared at the thought of swimming and now you're really good at it" and he seems to think it through and often say, ok then. The swimming teacher gives DS2 a lot of praise and encouragement for every little thing he tries - but he is very specific in his praise rather than just saying a general "well done". Maybe you could try taking it gently with your son, and suggest that he could go along and watch the extra training but he doesn't have to join in if he doesn't want to (if that's practical of course). You could stress the fact that he's really good at football which is why you thought he might like the extra sessions. If he really doesn't want to, personally I would leave it for a while - making sure he doesn't think that you are disappointed in him - and try again. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, but I know how frustrating this can be.

[sunnydelight]

Sorry, that should have been a consistent DS2 throughout

[mumblechum]

Hi Flowertop, it's so hard, isn't it? We all want our lads to be confident and popular, but sometimes they stubbornly refuse to play the game. My own son isn't really shy, but it always takes a while to persuade him to do something new, and he never,ever puts himself forward for anything, eg head boy, prefect etc. I think a lot of them are so afraid of failing that they won't try, and so they don't reach their full potential. Having said that, the more you try to push them the more they'll dig their heels in. We have a thing at the moment about Sea Cadets, my son's gone for over a year and enjoys the boating they do on the river in the summer but hates the drilling. At the beginning of term he said he wanted to jack it in but we agreed he'd go for four more sessions, and if he still felt the same he'd stop. Maybe you could do something similar with your ds, eg say that he should go to 2 or 3 sessions, then you can review how he feels and whether he wants to continue. If he doesn't see it as a long term commitment, perhaps he'll be more amenable.
I was exactly the same as your son when I was growing up and I know my mum was tearing her hair out trying to persuade me to join the kids playing on the street. I was a very shy/lonely child, always with my nose in a book, but it didn't last! Now I'm extremely sociable and talk to everyone & have a wide circle of friends. Being a shy loner as a child doesn't mean you'll be like that for life.

I think you should be gently persistant, but if you make too much of a big deal about it, it could backfire as he'll feel that if he does join in, you'll make a big song and dance about it and that'll put him off.

Not sure if any of this is helpful, but good luck.

[Flowertop]

Thanks sunnydelight and mumblechum for your positive responses. It is good to know there are other boys out there who are just as stubborn and unsure about our world. I think today we care too much and if they don't conform into their steryotype we worry endlessley. I will just keep plugging along to try to give him the confidence to try things out but I do find it so exhausting and frustrating. Particularly when everyone else's kids seem to just get on with things. I do think some parents have it so much easier than others.
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