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Parenting

Talking in the third person to teenage and almost teenage children

15 replies

Doughnut123 · 25/09/2014 08:20

Hi, has anyone got any pearls of wisdom on this subject please? My ex often talks to my 14 year old and her 11 year old sisters in the third person, ie)
'Daddy's tired ' ' when Daddy was growing up.' I find it intensely irritating when I hear him do it. It's as though he's talking to toddlers. I asked him why he did it the other day, but he seemed totally unaware of it. It comes across as very patriarchal and superior. Both his parents do it too- which is intensely annoying. They are also a very religious family, although my ex is not religious.

OP posts:

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 07:13

They are his too and since he is your ex you are not likely to be around much while he does it. Ignore. If it irritates the DCs they could mention it but I can't see a need for you to be involved.
Different things irritate different people. Your word 'my' rather than 'our' is something I find more irritating. No doubt you say things he finds irritating, but you have never thought of.

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vitabrits · 26/09/2014 07:29

Oh I feel your pain! !! My ex does this to my six year old. I use first person with her eg "come with me" rather than "come with mummy" etc etc and have done for a few years.

It drives me crazy when ex does the third person thing. I think it will probably continue though until DD is old enough to object.

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vitabrits · 26/09/2014 07:31

My attempt at understanding the psychology of it was that ex is not confident in the parenting role and therefore using the third person to create some distance. .......

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 07:45

It probably will continue until DC objects- if they do. I can't see the problem. Lots of people that we have regular contact with have irritating turns of phrase.

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irregularegular · 26/09/2014 07:50

I still catch myself doing that sometimes with my 10 and 12 yr old. I annoy myself, but I find it hard to stop entirely! It can be difficult to break old habits.

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 07:54

Difficult to break if you grew up with it- as the ex did. He probably doesn't see the need to break it.

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 07:55

Don't we all have things our mothers said that we vowed we would never say to our children and yet we find ourselves saying them?!

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 26/09/2014 07:55

It's probably just a habit that has stuck, I find myself doing it from time to time with my 8 and 10 year olds and I notice my mum does. It has never occurred to me that it sounds patriarchal or superior, but I do think it is a habit that needs to be shaken off. I doubt your DCs have noticed, they will be used to it. Maybe point out to your DH that he wouldn't talk to adults that way (imagine saying to your colleagues "when Fred was at university......" and he needs to talk to the DCs as adults now.

We had a CV submitted at work which was written in the third person and it provoked a bit of mirth, we were waiting in eager anticipation to see if the candidate spoke that way at interview, he didn't.

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 07:58

I'm sure it is something that the children and father will sort out- it will stop with time, if not before.

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AChickenCalledKorma · 26/09/2014 08:01

I don't think being religious has anything to do with it. I also doubt there is any sense of being patriarchal and superior, unless he is generally like that in other ways. It's just what he heard growing up and has become a habit. My mother called DH "daddy" whenever the kids are around (as in "Would you like some chips Daddy?", which sounds bizarre to our ears, but is what they did when I was a child.

Does it bother the 11 and 14 year olds? If not, leave it. If it does, I'm sure they'll soon tell him (with rolling eyes and "Duh, I'm not a baby dad" .

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YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 26/09/2014 08:07

Use humour and teach your DD's to take the rise! Make it fun. He has a self imposed affliction and he must be saved from himself. There must be plenty of examples in the Youtube archives of British comedy which you could use. Lee Mack springs to mind, also Jeeves and Wooster. Armstrong and Millar do some great send ups of people who butcher the English language in an effort to seem better than others.

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Merrylegs · 26/09/2014 08:19

It probably irritates you more because it reminds you of his parents (who annoy you and are probably a bit patriachal and superior) and he is your ex for a reason I guess. If you were completely loved up and had a great relationship with your ex inlaws you would probably let it go.

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Delphiniumsblue · 26/09/2014 08:20

Leave it to the children! The youngest is 11yrs. Choose your battles- this one is not a worthwhile one- certainly not when it will shortly be dying out anyway.

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vitabrits · 26/09/2014 11:29

Reminds me of my grandparents calling each other Mother and Father.

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Doughnut123 · 27/09/2014 07:59

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts. I have taken them all on board. It's true, that if my ex grew up with this way of speaking,then it probably just seems normal to him. And, of course, I am irritated by so many things that he does, that's why he's my ex ! I'm going to leave it to the children to say something. It's up to them. Doughnut is now going to make herself a nice cup of tea!