I scream at the kids, I drink too much, I eat too much and I don't know how to change.

(27 Posts)
redmimi Sat 30-Aug-14 22:14:32

That's it really. I sound great, don't I? I'm utterly miserable but have so much to be thankful for. Dd is 3.9 and ds about to turn 2. I love them so much but they drive me crazy and I don't cope well. I seem to shout all the time which doesn't work and makes us all upset.

When they go to bed I literally can't wait to open the wine but feel groggy every morning and know I need to stop. Sure that has contributed to 2 stone weight gain in last 12 months which also makes me miserable on so many levels.

We have a lovely home and no money worries. I have a part time job which I love and keeps me sane.

I did have counselling last year to help with anger management and pretended it helped but it didn't .

Relationship with husband is often poor as he struggles to communicate emotionally, we have found two young children hard, he is stressed and I hide how much I drink. I probably resent his perceived freedom too but really he just goes to work.

I don't know what I expect from this, maybe a flaming and to be told to get a grip but just need to get it out.

saiyme09 Sat 30-Aug-14 23:51:58

I'm really sorry to hear that your going through such a tough time and feel miserable. It sounds to me like you might like every other human being need some head space, maybe try a few things;
1) set your self regular goals and projects to keep you and your family positively interacting a sense of mutual achievement might benefit you. Also regular exorcise ( as I recently found out) really makes you feel better
2) join a parent and child group so you can share experiences with other local mums ( there might even be groups in your local area that if you feel you need it can offer parenting or child behavioural management classes)
I hope you come to a solution and good luck xx

hippo123 Sun 31-Aug-14 00:52:22

It gets better I promise. I felt and acted like you when my 2 were younger. It's tough, really tough to bring up 2 young kids. The fact you admit to it suggests that you do care. Have you tried drinking on say only 2 evenings a week? The shouting and the drinking are probably related. Parenting is no fun at all for anyone with a hangover. Have you considered increasing your hours at work? That might actually make you feel more sane and doesn't make you a bad mum. Or maybe finding some class / activity for you to do which provides childcare? Have you admitted to anyone how exhausted you feel by it all? Could family / friends / husband help you out more to give you a break? Have you thought about taking up a new hobby just for you? Say running? But above all remember that as the kids get older they do get easier and I think the shouting and the stress naturally gets less with age.

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 31-Aug-14 00:56:12

I have been there. First opportunity you get and you feel comfortable with, go away without DC or DH for a couple of nights or so. Also time to yourself outside of home once a week. It really helped me brew

redmimi Mon 01-Sep-14 22:21:11

Thank you for the replies. I try to tell myself that I find it hard because it is hard but I need to find better coping mechanisms. I do find things easier when I make plans to get out and about and am lucky that I have good friends. I haven't really admitted to anyone in real life how I feel as I am ashamed. I also feel guilty when I take time out but know it probably benefits us all so should try harder.

theendoftheendoftheend Mon 01-Sep-14 22:47:13

The guilt was what stopped me too, until i realised how much it also benefited the people i loved the most for me to have a bit of time to myself regularly so i could remember how much i love being around them and doing things for them rather then just finding it an endless slog.
Also i don't want the DC to end up thinking of me as a moody grump with nothing to do in life other then to pick up their dirty pants and moan

theendoftheendoftheend Mon 01-Sep-14 22:50:12

The guilt was what stopped me too, until i realised how much it also benefited the people i loved the most for me to have a bit of time to myself regularly so i could remember how much i love being around them and doing things for them rather then just finding it an endless slog.
Also i don't want the DC to end up thinking of me as a moody grump with nothing to do in life other then to pick up their dirty pants and moan

Unrealhousewife Tue 02-Sep-14 02:00:03

The drinking is getting in the way of you functioning well and setting up a spiral of guilt, feeling bad, drinking to wind down, sleeping badly, not functioning well, feeling guilty, drinking to wind down...

But you are drinking for a reason. When you have two pre schoolers it is really hard. You need to be zen calm to cope well and you can only do that if you get a good might's sleep.

I suggest going to bed when they do, or shortly afterwards. You will wake up 2 hours or so earlier than they do and have time to yourself.

If you feel resentful about hubby and his life, try and mentally switch and see your life as more fortunate, looking after your dcs at this age could be seen as a privilege not a chore. Try and make the most of it.

I used to look at them when they were sleeping and just enjoyed their sweet faces.

JuniorMumber Tue 02-Sep-14 02:55:37

I've got a propensity to do all the things you've mentioned too, OP. Cut out the wine and go t-total for a few months. Wine consumption is the root of a lot of it and if it's not, at least it won't get in the way if seeing what is. Last year I read a book called 'The Sober Revolution: calling time on wine o'clock', I'd recommend it. If you just make one resolute decision to cut it out I think you'll find a lot of things fall into place and fix themselves. You find yourself less ratty and more able to deal with the kids, less inclined to eat crap food with a hangover, losing weight and with an increased sense of self respect - which will then enable you to move forward and fix any other things which you feel you want to change.

LionWings Tue 02-Sep-14 03:25:37

Do you think you could be depressed? You sound a bit like me and I think the depression is creeping back.

I've got better control of the eating and drinking through a weight loss hypnosis app.

LionWings Tue 02-Sep-14 03:37:06

Info on the app here

foxbasealpha Tue 02-Sep-14 03:43:29

I do yoga 2 nights a week (after bedtime) which has not only the physical and mental benefits of exercise, but also ensures I don't drink on those nights! otherwise try the gym or some other exercise class - or even a personal trainer if you can afford it. Helps with the weight, the stress, the drinking - lots of upsides. If you lack motivation, make it something you have to turn up for, every week. (A trainer is good in this way when you're getting started).

Mutley77 Tue 02-Sep-14 07:06:55

I personally think the wine and food are a symptom not the problem. They take the mundaneness and stress out of your life for a couple of hours in the evening. I have stopped weeknight drinking and am on a 1200 cal a day diet to try and get some of myself back, ie address the underlying issues. It is no quick fix, I'm still shouting, but am hoping the longer term will see results! I am exercising daily, often this is only a walk in the evening with a friend, but that is definitely positive, I go out when dh gets home at 630 and leave the last of the bedtime settling to him which is an added bonus smile
Personally I would make the focus what you can do for yourself and then you should see the eating and drinking and shouting decrease naturally, here's hoping.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed Tue 02-Sep-14 07:12:50

It sounds like you might be exhausted. I get into a cycle like that when actually what I need to do is catch up on sleep. Perhaps try vitamin D and vitamin B complex supplements every morning plus just one week where you aim to go to bed when the kids do? See how you feel after a bit of a recharge?

Oblomov Tue 02-Sep-14 07:19:51

Most of us recognise this scenario.
Hope done if the suggestions help. You gave to accept that it is tough. Accepting that makes you feel better.

hallamoo Tue 02-Sep-14 10:12:23

Haven't read the whole thread, so might be repeating, but exercise may help, even if it's just a 20min power walk.

Also,if you have the time see if there are any parenting courses running at your local children's centre, 'raising children is excellent.

Or, if you have the time, there are some good parenting books which might help; 'how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk', 'children are from heaven' (same guy who wrote 'Men are from Mars'), 'raising boys' - are all excellent and might give you some pointers.

It's a tough time, your DC are so young, give yourself a break too.

tess73 Tue 02-Sep-14 10:25:33

Firstly your kids are at really tough ages, it does get easier.
Easier said than done but try to stop the wine, it will make a massive difference to your mood and energy levels.
I also recommend the book how to talk so kids will listen. I didn't do it "properly" following the exercises etc but it does work. My dds are 8&10 now and I still do the "mmmmmm pizza so what toppings would you choose?" In response to their whining about dinner and wanting pizza!!

bakingaddict Tue 02-Sep-14 11:02:34

I don't know how much you actually drink but your comment about how much you hide your drinking sounds like you are drinking more than you want to. Maybe joining an AA group or seeking help from your GP might be a positive move forward and will help you understand why you need this as a crutch. Getting control over your drinking will help alleviate some of the other problems

Millionairerow Wed 03-Sep-14 18:38:53

Hi i am there with you. I drink too much, work full time, hardly get any exercise and have 3 young children. I just had a blood test to make sure no damage has been done as I'm feeling unwell generally and do realise I have t start taking care of myself. I have few friends in the area but must admit I've gone into a bit of a shell as I've had a few issues making new friends. I've got some really good close friends but they're abroad. My husband says I need to start getting out more and join a class - there are a few folk I'm getting to know, but a lot of parents are really cliquey and hard to penetrate. It's like I pull back in case they realise how boring I am! Shocking really. So I am interested in talking what positive steps is needed to reverse the trend and low self esteem! Watching thread with interest.

Aquilla Fri 05-Sep-14 00:34:51

i have no advice to offer but I just wanted to commend you on your honesty. It's really hard, isn't it? thanks

LionWings Mon 08-Sep-14 22:51:19

Just checking in OP, how are you doing?

redmimi Tue 09-Sep-14 20:36:29

Thank you all for support and suggestions. It helps to know there are people out there who have felt the same and want to help.

Last week I felt quite positive and tried to look after myself better. I did end up not drinking and went to sleep around 8.30 a few nights and felt the benefit. I must have been exhausted.

Bad habits creep back in though but there is a pattern. I find if I am stressed with the kids screaming or DH is late home from work I just can't cope and hit the wine. The problem is that once I've had a glass I think 'sod it' and end up having at least half if not the whole bottle. I wouldn't say I'm ever drunk but I don't feel great the next day and am probably more short tempered.

It also means I eat more. I am flitting between calorie counting, slimming world, Exante meal replacement and just being a complete pig. What a mess.

On the plus side I am trying really hard not to shout as much, I want my children to have good memories when they get older.

I have a long way to go but getting it all out has made the issue more real and I am trying to be grateful for all that we have.

I've felt like this, I think a lot of parents have.

I would say, try to tackle one thing at a time, once one change becomes a habit then try something else.

Have you ever considered meditation? I know it sounds a bit hippy-ish, but there's good evidence that it actually changes the brain structure, shrinking the part that controls your reaction to stress and making it easier to say calm.

I have personal good experience of meditating. I would say it changed my life.

DaughterDilemma Sat 13-Sep-14 11:11:49

Well done greatmimi. Habits are hard to break but eventually you do, even if you have a temporary lapse. The thing to do is to keep trying.

Children's behaviour only changes following a period of consistency so again you have to give that time and just keep trying. They deep down just want to please you and eventually that will show through. Bad behaviour is usually a way for them to say look at me! Once you are looking they can receive your guidance. If you ignore or zone out they can't be receptive and will keep trying to grab attention any way they can.

DaughterDilemma Sat 13-Sep-14 11:13:15

*Redmimi, You are doing great, freudian slip there.

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