Why is taking care of babies always optional for husbands

(79 Posts)
dcs27 Sat 30-Aug-14 22:02:38

dcs27 Sat 30-Aug-14 22:10:10

hi all,
I am so frustrated , exhausted...sad angry envy .. I wonder if men are born with a silver spoon in their mouth, whose other end is held by their mums for a long time before that role is given to their wives. .. Why is taking care of a baby always an optional thing for them but is the number 1 responsibility of the mum. my lo is 1 yo. DH is helpful at times but he fails to understand that at times even I want to take a siesta.. while he sleeps for 3-4 hours I am supposed to look after the child and cook n clean waiting for him to wake up so that I can go for a run for just 20 minutes. . Why do I always need to tell himsad confused confused . AIBU

QTPie Sat 30-Aug-14 22:10:35

Not always. Really depends on the husband. I was incredibly lucky. I think that they need to "buy into it": the rewards really are much higher for a "hands on" dad - they really do get out what get put in...

RJnomore Sat 30-Aug-14 22:12:16

No it isn't optional you just married a man child.

Andno qt you weren't lucky that your partner did what he should.

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:15:24

it's only optional if you let it be. why have you let it be?

QTPie Sat 30-Aug-14 22:15:30

BUT - on most things - you can never expect a man to work things out for himself: you have to tell them exactly what you want and when you want it. If you wait for a man to "take the initiative" or "do the right thing" or "offer to help", then you will be waiting until the end of time.

Work out a game plan: "ok, you want a nap. You can nap between 1 and 3, then I wake you up at 3 so that I can run, shower and relax for a bit before cooking dinner. Yes?". Better than resentment.

furcoatbigknickers Sat 30-Aug-14 22:16:20

Nope its not optional in this hiuse snd never has been. Dh always been very hands on.

RJnomore Sat 30-Aug-14 22:18:36

Bloody hell qt does your husband manage to out on matching socks himself?

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:18:52

you can never expect a man to work things out for himself: you have to tell them exactly what you want and when you want it. If you wait for a man to "take the initiative" or "do the right thing" or "offer to help", then you will be waiting until the end of time.

Christ! who is pedalling this shit? do you have a son? please tell me you don't.

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:20:32

how do all these men that live alone survive on a day to day basis without a woman coming over to tell them how to eat and wash themselves and dress for work? hmm

MrsBungle Sat 30-Aug-14 22:20:44

It is not optional in the slightest for my dh. He didn't need telling by me to take responsibility, he did so of his own accord from day 1.

MrsBungle Sat 30-Aug-14 22:23:46

QT you don't honestly believe that do you?!

RiverTam Sat 30-Aug-14 22:24:51

not the case here, sorry. Can't agree with QT either.

Was he like this before you had DC?

dcs27 Sat 30-Aug-14 22:27:22

Thanks for your response ladies.. I don't like keep telling him things again and again also I understand he is exhausted from working all through the week so he needs his time over the weekend. But I just don't understand why can he not notice that I don't sit down to watch tv even for fifteen minutes a day. .. If at all I talk to him, its always an outburst... which doesn't help much either. sad sad

dcs27 Sat 30-Aug-14 22:33:51

well he wasn't very helpful even before I had dc but then when I complained he improved but the effect only lasted for a few days.

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:34:16

have you had a calm chat with him about this and asked him if he has noticed that the child related work is unevenly split/that you don't get the same leisure time as he does?

take a notebook and write down what you want to say then sleep on it. read it again in the morning and see if you still think all of those things and tell him that you (both of you) need to have a talk and that when baby next has a nap you'd like to sit down with him and discuss a few things. then do it. if he is a decent person he will apologise for being so blind and want to fix it so you are getting a fair deal.

QTPie Sat 30-Aug-14 22:35:07

DH has been great with baby care - couldn't fault him (very hands on) - but in the rest of life, yes I take the lead. DH went from home, to boarding school (at 10), to university (living off microwave meals and taking his laundry home a couple of times a term) to me. We have been married for 17 years (together for 21).

If I want something, then I ask for it. I don't hang around and wait for him to work it out...

Yes I have a son, but obviously I bring him up to become the man I would like him to be (and not necessarily the mirror image of his father).

MrsBungle Sat 30-Aug-14 22:35:39

That sounds very hard. Have you talked to him about this? What does he say?

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:35:40

xpost.

and you decided to have children with him despite knowing this? why? and why did you expect children would change him?

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:38:11

obviously I bring him up to become the man I would like him to be

and is that a man who has to be prompted to do the right thing or offer help? because that is what you have said all men need.

TheBookofRuth Sat 30-Aug-14 22:40:58

I understand OP. Found myself shouting at my husband the other day that just having a bloody shower has become a luxury for me since our 2nd DC was born, and did he really think that was fair?

This was after I'd asked if he'd take the baby for 10 minutes so I could have one and he'd made a face and said that he was just about to go out.

QTPie Sat 30-Aug-14 22:42:10

As Diadult says, you have to talk calmly to him - work things out, fairly. Sharing should bd a way of life and he shouldn't think that he has to do chores just because you snap at him (and then relax when you calm down).

I am afraid that some men just don't notice things and you do need to keep reminding them... Maybe divide chores (he has set things to do every evening) and preferably having set leisure activities/times for you.

Being a mum is exhausting too: you have a right to split the leisure time fairly/evenly. You need rest, relaxation and "me time" too.

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:46:25

I am afraid that some men just don't notice things and you do need to keep reminding them

so do some women.

best not to marry and have children with those types. leave them living at home with their mums. they aren't fully functioning adults if they need reminded about the basics of keeping themselves and their offspring alive.

scottishmummy Sat 30-Aug-14 22:49:18

Its not optional.depends whether you partner helps out or not
Its not a male default but some women enable men to be useless.even buying their underwear

DiaDuit Sat 30-Aug-14 22:52:46

people who 'need' reminded about doing things (basic things like caring for their own children, cooking a meal to feed themselves, washing their own clothes) are doing it because someone is enabling them to be this way. if living on their own they'd work out that if they don't cook they starve, if they don't wash their clothes they'll be naked at work, if they don't look after the children someone calls SS and they get taken off them. people who 'need' reminding don't need reminding at all. they choose to let someone else do the stuff they don't fancy doing and feign inability to remember. it's very selfish and very disrespectful. do your children a favour, stand up for yourself and either insist your partner does their fair share or choose to live elsewhere and stop enabling them. choose good role models for your children if you expect it of them. children do what they see.

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