Not enjoying this

(28 Posts)
MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 14:27:56

DD1 is 2.8, DD2 is 5 weeks.

I'm not loving this. I don't think I'm cut out for it.

With dd1 it was frustrating to be stuck on the sofa feeding or battling with no naps but I was elated... This time those things are just driving me to despair.

Everyone says your second baby is more relaxed.. Well dd2 isn't. We've had fussy evenings for a couple of weeks and she's fussed from 11-2 today.

It took forever to get us out and now the fucking thing on the car is telling me a tyre is flat. So I've driven home and I'd left the front door open.

I can't bear to go back in the house. It's a shit tip and would feel like ultimate defeat given how long it took to get out the door in the first place.

I guess I forgot about this newborn bit. Hopefully this is just a bad day but man I'm not loving this at all. There's no elation this time around. Sure, dd2 is lovely, but it feels more frustrating than anything else.

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 14:29:02

And I feel horrendously guilty for even thinking like this.

RicStar Thu 28-Aug-14 14:41:06

You are not alone. My DS is 7 weeks & Dd is 2.4... I didn't enjoy the newborn bit with dd & am finding this v.hard. We haven't got out the house yet today (& I hate bring in) DS is massively fussy in evenings ... Toddler routine has gone out window. DS hasn't slept for more 45 mins since 3am keeps waking fussing.. Won't feed properly. Gah. Hate hate being stuck in. Really need a cup of tea. Dd is destroying her bedroom napping now & DS is snoozing on my shoulder. They are both amazing but I do wonder how I am going to get through hour by hour...

losthermind Thu 28-Aug-14 14:41:26

winethankscake I felt exactly the same when I had DS. DE was 2.9 when I had DS and I just felt overwhelmed by it all, juggling both needs and my own along with housework shopping and cooking. Their dad was a complete arse ((we are no longer together)) and I had no one on hand who would even offer an hour of respite, there was a particular time I ventured out to meet my mother in town and DS was 4 weeks old non stop crying and DS was screaming to go on the roundabout.... I let her on it and within seconds she was screaming to get off, before I could get the man to stop the ride she jumped off and smacked her head on the floor!!!! By the time I reached my mum I was a blubbering wreck so she bundled me home in a taxi hmm anyway I survived the ordeal it gets easier with time and alcohol grin

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 14:46:42

Sorry to hear you're struggling too...

Dd1 doesn't nap anymore and as I was working 4 days pw prior to mat leave I feel totally useless out of practice at entertaining her.

Thing is, I've stupidly thrown away a load of dd1's clothes so dd2 is really lacking in clothes so I was heading out to get some.

I have a pile of poo stained white clothes that have collected since yesterday and I've not got round to soaking. The washing bin is overflowing. My hair needs washing.

I called DH in tears and he's on his way home. I feel dreadful pulling him away from work.

Just failing all round...

moojie Thu 28-Aug-14 14:52:01

I think we all have that moment where you think...shit what have I done? I found the first few months incredibly stressful and hard work with two children. Ds2 was not an easy baby. I remember having my worst day ever on ds1's birthday, we had friends round and I was in tears. I was tired and upset that ds1's birthday party was being ruined by ds2 as he wouldn't be put down. My friends were fab. Ds1 went on a few play dates the next week and I pulled myself together. I accepted help and it helped me to get back on my feet. Now 2 yrs down the lines my boys are great and entertain each other.

Stick with it and ask for help

melisma Thu 28-Aug-14 14:53:47

Just posted a very similar thread! You are not alone flowers

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived Thu 28-Aug-14 14:55:09

You poor thing. I say this a lot, but I think a good mantra for the early days of two is 'everyone fed and nobody's dead'. Expecting more of yourself is harsh.smile

RicStar Thu 28-Aug-14 14:58:33

I was working three days & I really miss the change. I think I am ok with either on their own used to have lovely time with dd & actually don't mind the newborn bit as much with DS (no sleep aside) but together I feel like I am always saying no grumpily to dd while holding a fussy baby.

Sootgremlin Thu 28-Aug-14 15:03:05

I felt like this a few months ago. Leaving the house just felt so stressful but staying in was unbearable. I left a trail of chaos wherever I went, loved my new baby but felt like I didn't really get to know her or spend time with her at all for the first months.

Dd is now 8 months, it is not quite as full on, ds has got over the upheaval and the baby can sit and play with a few toys while I do other things.They 'talk' to each other, play together a bit, giggle.

House is still a shit tip and I'm exhausted but I find doing things with them easier and seeing the love they have for each other makes it all worth it, even if cuddles do tend to look like half-nelsons sometimes.

I have found moments of 'elation', you have to work harder for it, but dd smiles and reaches for me now, looks up at me whilst feeding, claps her hands, I feel the same way as I did with ds, same destination just a longer road to get there.

flowers cake

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 15:10:06

My parents and in-laws' don't really offer help as such, and I'm not very good at asking for it. They all drive me up the wall too and I feel like I don't have the tolerance for it right now.

I was so desperate to be off work when I was working. Found it all really hard-going juggling everything and now I'm doing a shit job of being home.

I had a blub to DH last night and said I've got this lovely life but I'm totally shit at playing the role of me, making a right hash of it. Shit mother, shit wife, shit daughter.

<right barrel me today eh>

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 15:16:41

YY to barely even getting to know dd2 which obv adds to the guilt.

Staying home makes everything so much harder, we all get bored, but then getting out is such a mission. We had to wait in for workmen today so think we got off to an awful start and the tyre just felt like final nail.

Dd1 has actually been quite patient (we're still sitting in the car on the drive) and I suspect DH will offer to take her to the park when he gets in but being indoors surrounded by mess I'm incapable of containing with a fussy dd2 feels me with horror. And if I go to the park too I'm bound to see someone I know and be unable to hide my red eyes and start blubbing again.

ajandjjmum Thu 28-Aug-14 15:40:39

You poor thing! I remember asking why no-one had warned me how awful it was - my SIL told me I would never had done it if she had! It will get easier, but just be kind to yourself at the moment - and stuff the state of the house!

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 16:37:40

DH is home and has tidied up and put some washing on. He's now committed to doing all the washing and emptying the dishwasher every morning.

We're going to ensure the nappy bag is stocked with supplies each night and lay out clothes for me and the DDs before bed too. I need to get a meal plan in place as well. I think organisation is going to be the key for us really.

I need to ressurect my To Do list notebook as well.

2 more weeks til dd1 starts preschool which I think will be a god-send.....

Feeling better though still slightly unstable. We've got plans with good pals tomorrow so hopefully that will keep us out of trouble.

Millionairerow Thu 28-Aug-14 16:42:37

Aw the jump from one to two was hard I remember, esp that first 3 months. It will get easier. Is there anyone who can help with the cleaning? I'm totally relaxed with a messy house but I know some folk aren't. Five weeks is also the colicky stage. You are likely to also be a bit down after the birth and still recovering. Try not to have high expectations and only aim to go out for short periods of time till you get your strength back.

MexicanSpringtime Thu 28-Aug-14 16:43:51

Glad you have such a supportive husband.

I would suggest you take it one day at a time. Some days will be bad, but this is probably the hardest time for you and will pass quite quickly.

Sootgremlin Thu 28-Aug-14 16:45:05

That's good. I'm in the same boat re preschool and organisation, need to get arse in gear.

I bought this in the hope of getting a bit more on top of things, it's probably mummy and twee as all he'll but I need all the help I can get. I've been burbling about meal plans for the last 6 months, I need to write one down!

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 16:53:21

I used to think I was really laid back but I've got so uptight over the past few years and structure definitely pleases me though repetition bores me, go figure so I need to get some back in our lives....

I'm reluctant to stay home too much as dd1 is turning into a telly addict as it's all she wants to do when we're in and I'm so flipping braindead or stuck feeding dd2 that I let her as I'm clueless as to what else she could do.

Thumbwitch Thu 28-Aug-14 16:59:27

I'm glad your DH has come to help you and has agreed to take on some of the chores.

I hate to wave the usual banner, but have you been assessed for PND? It might be an idea. Also, have you thought about Sure Start? IF there's one in the area they might be able to help you out a bit.

Are you financially able to maybe pay for a cleaner every fortnight, or send ironing out to be done, or similar? I know that in a perfect world your DC2 would sleep 8 hours a day and 12 hours a night, just waking for feeds and changes, and allowing you to do all the chores in between and get some time for yourself, but reality is almost never like that! It's just to get you over the first super-demanding phase, say til she's 6mo. And it will help you if you don't have to stress about things that, in the grand scheme of things, really don't matter but which obviously matter to you (i.e. house tidiness etc.)

I am a natural slattern so just don't care enough about the state of the house to get myself fretted up about toys on the floor etc. blush

Oh and re. screen time for your DD1 - time enough to call a stop to it when DD2 is bigger and more able to be taken out - for now, relax. It's not going to hurt her, honestly. smile

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 17:15:05

Thank you all so much thanks

We have a cleaner weekly and DH is a natural neat freak so the state of the house doesn't always bother me. But today dd1 had tipped spaghetti over the floor and I couldn't clean it up as dd2 was hysterical so things like that end up making me feel like a headless chicken.

I'm a bit scared to be checked for pnd. I have no real reason to have it (though fully appreciate it can just happen and no one needs a reason as such). The thought of telling people (if I did have it) fills me with dread - I honestly could bear the pity looks and fuss..........

I think I just forgot how having a newborn is often 1 step forward, 2 steps back... And I think I'd romanticised maternity leave with an image of cuddles and giggles and earth mother shite confused when I guess the reality is fairly different!

Thumbwitch Thu 28-Aug-14 17:19:11

Your HV is likely to check you anyway - as I remember it, I had to fill in a questionnaire regardless, but that might have just been my area.
But please stop thinking of it as shameful - it really isn't! It's just that something has gone wrong and you might need a bit of extra help to fix it - if you had a broken leg/sprained ankle, you wouldn't leave that unsupported, would you? There's no shame in supporting dysfunctional limbs, and there's no shame in supporting dysfunctional hormone levels either. smile thanks

Also, mat leave with a shiny new baby IS fab (if you like the baby stage and your baby is generally ok) - with a toddler added into the mix, No! Eek! is more normal.

Georgethesecond Thu 28-Aug-14 17:27:54

Oh god this bit is awful. Awful. Hang on in there, you'll get through it!

fortheloveofmike Thu 28-Aug-14 17:36:05

Please don't feel ashamed about pnd.. I battled on for a year with it keeping my feelings a secret and I wish id had the courage to get help... I did eventually and all is well now but while I had it everything seemed so much worse and I couldn't cope with anything. Besides that having new baby is hard especially second time round. Youre doing a great job cakethanks

MATB1 Thu 28-Aug-14 17:43:59

Thank you all so much.

I will get the parents involved a bit more even though they drive me mad in these next couple of weeks on the run up to preschool starting.

I'm a bit of a control freak too so want to be doing it all myself, which I guess is impossible. I just really missed dd1 when I was back at work and am conscious on how much I've missed out on by being a working mummy and am therefore reluctant to hand her over to other people even more. Guess I need to get over it though.

Artandco Thu 28-Aug-14 18:03:18

We have 14 month gap here. Now 3 and 4 and it's all good.

What I advice is finding things that work and resort to them when needed

Ie: if baby will sleep well in pram or sling work into day that you have a walk say x2 a day so baby at least naps so not as tired

Find things eldest can do whilst you feed. Might be diff for you as yours a bit older but mine liked aqua draw, megasketch, playdough, books. The books and megasketch we could do on sofa together if needed. But basically anything relatively easy to do alone and not too messy.

I also found setting up and activity before feeding baby worked well. So set up Train set and play for 5 mins then feed. Although my eldest still fed also sometimes so tandem fed if difficult!

Find x5 places out of house you can go to without much effort if need to get out. A walk to local cafe can pass an hour by the time toddler walks, baby in sling, coffee for you/ toddler gets snack, take drawing for toddler, walk back.

I found a structure worked well first few months. Roughly go out am somewhere ( museum/ park/ friends/ shops etc), back home for lunch. Nap for both children and you if possible or at least quiet time in bed reading eldest book. 3pm ish back out for short time ie walk to collect leaves/ coffee shop/ visit parents/ park. Back late afternoon. Means everyone gets out, rested when needed, and change of scenery.

I found getting eldest to walk as much as possible x2 a day also meant good chance of naps and bedtime going better, plus when back in house they are happier to play with toys as have been outside already

One big thing we got which you might or might not like is a trailer for bike that converted to double jogger. I started running with them and cycling and they were almost always calm in there! I think as fast! And also got me fit after 2 babies in just over a year. Def worth the money.

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