I've really messed up on christening

(29 Posts)
pennyapples Fri 15-Aug-14 11:40:02

Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Some background. Our daughter is 19 months old and I'm about four weeks off my due date for number 2. I have a sister and two SILs, all of whom are very wonderful aunties. When our daughter was little I asked all three aunties to be godparents - I couldn't conceive of not asking my own sister (I'm godmother to my nephew), but then couldn't imagine not also asking my SIL x2, thought they would be hurt. So asked them all. They are unmarried. My sister is married and has been for fifteen years, I have always been very, very close to my BIL and thought he would be desperately hurt if I didn't ask him too. So I did, so sister, BIL and x2 SIL all lined up to be godparents.

Then my BIL lost the plot, had an affair, became abusive to my sister, told her he wanted a divorce. devastated her, has been carnage. He has agreed to stay, they are together, but probably not for long, and its just not a good situation. I can't forgive him and can't conceive of him being godparent to my daughter. Because this was all happening - and my sister was too fragile for me to go charging in and tell him he wasn't going to be godfather - we just kind of put off the christening and put it off, and put it off, and I got increasingly worried about the whole thing.

Now I'm about to have baby no 2. Can we reasonably have a joint christening? is that okay? and can we have the same godparents - all the aunties? I have told my sister there is no way he is going to be godfather - even if they stay together, I can't look at him in church knowing the way he has treated her.

I guess my question is how much have I messed up here? Is it awful to do a joint christening with joint godparents? I could ask other people for number 2 but would feel odd - all family for our daughter, all friends for no 2. also our family are kind of the only option as the priest says godparents need to be catholic - we don't have any catholic friends!

I feel really upset at how I've messed this up - any advice would be great.

Muskey Fri 15-Aug-14 11:45:51

I don't understand why you think you have messed up. I think a double christening is a really lovely idea and involving your sil and sister is fantastic. As far as the bil thing is concerned do you really think he's going to be around long enough to care about being a god parent and quite frankly I wouldn't have as a godparent

pennyapples Fri 15-Aug-14 12:08:02

No I'm over the thing with him - I guess for a while it seemed so delicate with him and my sister that I didn't want to kill it off by making him think there was no way back with the family... but I definitely don't want him and I actually don't think she would want him to do it now either.

I feel like I messed up though because I put this off and it feels like that was the wrong thing to do by my daughter - we should have been prioritising her and not worrying about how everybody else would feel.

also - I don't know - it just feels unusual and slightly weird to have a joint christening and the same godparents?

CultureSucksDownWords Fri 15-Aug-14 12:13:54

I know nothing of christenings as I am not religious, but what are your other options here? Presumably you don't want to not christen your children? As you've said, you haven't any other eligible god parents, so surely it is sensible to go ahead with a double christening with your female relatives as godparents. Surely your BIL will know why he isn't being asked.

Heels99 Fri 15-Aug-14 12:15:24

Of course you can sounds fine and isn't unusual

TortoiseUpATreeAgain Fri 15-Aug-14 12:16:24

I know lots of people who've done joint christenings; in fact, come to think of it, I reckon I've been to more joint christenings than single ones.

WildItWasFurious Fri 15-Aug-14 12:17:32

You haven't messed up, it's fine. The important thing is that they are christened, it doesn't matter in what order or exactly when.

AlpacaMyBags Fri 15-Aug-14 12:22:21

Everything you're suggesting sounds fine - I don't think you've messed up at all.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Fri 15-Aug-14 12:23:19

Hi Penny My DC had a joint christening, everyone was fine with it (not that there is a reason why they shouldn't be). Do the day as you want and have your sisters as godparents, it's not a prerequisite to have two godparents per child.

HTH

LilyandGinger Fri 15-Aug-14 12:28:06

My twins had a joint Christening (obviously grin) and our church has had lots if whole family Christenings over the years.

Please don't worry about it, you have other things to think about. Neither of your children will mind and no one will think joint godparents are odd especially as they are family members. My sister and I have the same godmother as do my cousins

Please put it out of your mind and focus on your new lively baby's arrival. flowers

BikeRunSki Fri 15-Aug-14 12:28:25

Joint Christenings fairly common! Especially with siblings fairly close in age.

ShadowStar Fri 15-Aug-14 12:29:27

It doesn't sound like you've messed up v at all. A joint christening and joint godparents sound fine.

My DC have the same godparents - the vicar said that this made good sense from a pastoral pov. My siblings and I have the same godparents too. I don't think it's that unusual.

weegiemum Fri 15-Aug-14 12:36:19

You haven't messed up, a joint Christening is a lovely idea.

Our children aren't baptised (we're Christians but don't agree with infant baptism) - at the church we went to at the time the minister didn't "do" dedications. So when we moved from a very remote area to a big city and decided to go to a big Baptist church (where dh and I would have to be baptised as adults in order to become members) we had a morning service where our 3 dc (dd1 was 7, ds 5 and dd2 3) were dedicated, then dh and I btised by full immersion - it was an incredible day for us all.

Our dc don't have Godparents, but I think you're making a good decision there too, you can't ask someone you don't trust to be a godparent.

Hope you arrange it and have a lovely day!

pennyapples Fri 15-Aug-14 12:59:00

Thanks everybody - that's really reassuring. I think this has turned into a massive deal in my head because I have been trying to do the right thing and not provide the catalyst for the final breakdown of my sister's marriage when she still wanted it to work. And I know he will be horrified because on the surface he has changed his mind and is sticking with the family and is making an effort to get everything back on an even kiel with us. But that probably wont last, he will go, and even if he doesn't he's a horrible man, I can't have that. I will live with the awkwardness.

And if you don't think its weird that's great, and if you don't think my daughter will be hacked off when she's older that we didn't crack on sooner.

I guess it might be nice - and who better than three great aunties - for both of them - who needs the men.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 15-Aug-14 13:05:25

I had a joint christening for my 3yo and new baby and it was lovely! Nothing odd about having the same god parents for both either.
I had a young good parent for each of mine (a cousin each, the youngest was 7) which the vicar was a bit hmm about but didn't object so I doubt they'd be funny about your proposal.

donkir Fri 15-Aug-14 13:13:56

My best friend had both her dds christened at the same time. Youngest was 2 and oldest 5. Both girls have the same godparents it was a very lovely day.

Muskey Fri 15-Aug-14 13:16:44

As far as god parents go dd has three my db,ds and ddil someone told me that the thought it was odd that dd had two god father and one god mother but to be perfectly frank I don't care. I hope you and your family have a lovely day

Borttagen Fri 15-Aug-14 13:25:53

I am catholic and don't think it's weird at all, only slightly strange thing to me based on my family and experience of christenings is havingore then two godparents .
But do you know you can have Christian non catholic sponsors as long as you have one catholic godparent? Our priest was fine with this but actually we weren't allowed to only have same sex godparents - had to have one of each sex if having more than one.

Borttagen Fri 15-Aug-14 13:26:24

*more than two godparents

BackforGood Fri 15-Aug-14 13:33:55

Nothing odd about having a joint Christening, but I do think it's nice to have different GodParents for your dc - as per Borttagen's suggestion.

JulesJules Fri 15-Aug-14 13:49:00

You haven't messed up at all!

We had a joint christening for our 2 dds, (2 year age gap, they were 3yo and 1yo) - just never got round to it the first time, I was ill, then moving house etc. It was lovely to do it all together.

We had 2 godmothers and one godfather for each, all different religions, vicar didn't set any rules (C of E)

And def don't feel badly over BIL. Totally the right decision to cross him off the list.

Pregnantagain7 Fri 15-Aug-14 14:19:11

Iont think you've messed up at all I think it will be lovely! I'm catholic and was told that I needed one practising catholic god parent. I wouldn't worry too much though it was only mentioned to us once and no follow up questions were asked smile

Pregnantagain7 Fri 15-Aug-14 14:21:18

I meant to say I had 5 god parents but they are all the same for my (soon to be) four children. I do think they prefer you to have less but don't think they would refuse to christen on that basis.

cashmiriana Fri 15-Aug-14 17:01:07

My Dsis had her two boys christened together when the younger was a year old. They had the same godparents.

Three years later their DD was christened, with the same godparents again.

It made perfect sense to me!

Toohotforfishandchips Fri 15-Aug-14 21:04:55

Mine were 2 & 3.5 when we had RC christening. We mixed and matched god parents

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