Teasing: What do you ^honestly^ advise your DC when they come home upset

[adviceforme]

Hi

My DS(8) seems to struggle socially in 'law of the playground' stuff. He is not really streetwise at all.

He has been playing out with a neighbours DS who he gets on with and enjoys playing with. But when others come along it all seems to end up with my DS being teased, including the 'friend' who will join in laughing or offer up his own tease soundbite. He came home quite upset last night, this has happend a few times now since the start of the holidays.

When telling me all different things I felt there were some things that were silly teasing and he should just shrug off. There were other things that I think were more personal about my DS and unkind. Two things were said by friend in front of others. There was also something DS told me, he had said, that I dont think helped him at all. He doens't seem to be able to stick up for himself - like banter/batt things back to other kids, it jsut sounds wrong (if that makes sense). I think this is because it does not come natural to him and is not in his nature.

He is sensitive, intelligent doing well at school. He has friendships with others where this does not happen. Earlier in the day for example we had been to the park with another child and they played great.

DS has said he does not want to play with them anymore (but he has said this before then changed his mind after a few days) DH doesn't want him to playing with this group of estate kids and neither do I.

BUT - is there something I should be teaching him, to enable him to get on better or just accept that these kids are not his type? It's a shame as we've only just started to allow him to play out.

It's all awkward as we are reasonably good friends with parents of the friend, socialise etc and we were supposed to be this weekend. DS does not want to go, DH and I don't feel it is fair to force him and are happy not to. We have been wondering if we share enough 'values' with this family...

Has anyone experienced this?
Any advice of what to tell DS?
Don't want to keep him in wrapped in cotton wool (as DH said this)
Should I let him go if he changes his mind?

[adviceforme]

bump

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

I'd tell him to stay away from this 'friend'. Real friends aren't nice to you when they've got nobody else to play with and unkind once others turn up. But I have AS and am very black and white. I also don't have a clue about friendships.

[adviceforme]

Thanks for reassurance please at best I thought it was group dynamics but no I think this boy is not a friend.

I have been to GP as I was exasperated and felt out of my depth a while ago with DS. I wondered if he was an aspi. He has some traits.

I've searched on here and I'm now wondering if he is a HSP child. I've seen a few books to read.

If he is a HSP I cringe when I think of past parenting.

[TheKitchenWitch]

My ds sounds very similar to yours, and there is one boy in particular in his class who teases him. This boy is very popular, very much the class clown who always gets all the other kids on his side.

So I've been looking into what we can do, and I found some good advice online which ds and I are going to practice so he's ready when school starts again in September.

This is one site I thought had some good strategies on it which ds could actually do (I especially like the repeated "So?" and walking away).

[mumster79]

I have a ds who is not dissimilar and I wonder if give him the right/wrong too.

HSP? No; everyone has to learn how to cope in these situations, unfortunately.

I normally say something along the lines of: 1. ignore then. 2. walk away 3. don't be unkind / retaliate - show the unkind person how to be nice instead etc etc rather than sinking to their level.

Just want to protect him from all of it.

Would love to hear other suggestions?!

[coppertop]

I have two children who find the social side of things difficult (ASD). Various situations have cropped up over the years. I've taught mine that:

• Sometimes people will pretend to be your friend when they really aren't. The way to tell the difference is to look at what that person actually does. Name-calling and being unkind are not something a friend does.
  

• When children call you names, those names are often a clue to how those children think about themselves. The child who calls you stupid is often a child who feels stupid themselves. The child who calls you ugly is one who has issues about their own appearance etc.
  

• Sometimes children will be trying to provoke a particular reaction from you (crying, anger etc). The best form of revenge is not to give them what they are looking for. It will annoy them a thousand times more than any insult you can think of.
  

• It's always perfectly okay to walk away. Leave them to their name-calling and go home. If they follow you, ignore them.
  

We have some local children like the boy you describe and decided not to let our ds out to play with them any more. Ds was actually quite relieved. I must admit that I also took great pleasure in smiling very sweetly while explaining to the child at the door that I knew what he'd been up to.

[adviceforme]

coppper mumster79 and kitchenwitch Oh thank you, thank you dear MNetters for the time you have taken to post advice - all good -

Im going to give that site a good read tomorrow am thanks.

He has previously not reacted and ignored them. He has choose to come home when things were not right. I have praised him for dealing with these situations in this manner. I suppose I need to just keep reminding him about this.

copper thats a good thing 'what a person does'. I think we need to work on the reaction thing.

I'm so glad he does talk to me lots. Though today a bit more has come out and he has seemed a bit down. So we've had a quiet morning and swimming in pm. I really felt my heart lurch when he said he had been crying for me lastnight (I had not heard) and DH said tonight he thought he'd heard crying but put it down to toddler crying a bit in her sleep.

I'm now worrying about the parents...I feel awkward, angry and pissed off tbh that it has come to this.

[adviceforme]

bumpt - woud you still be friends with the parents?

[tobysmum77]

I think it's also ok to play with children who aren't 'real' friends. If ds wants to play, the other boy wants to then I'd let him. Tell him to come in when the others go out. If not I wouldn't force the issue friends with parents or not.

Tell ds he is just a playmate, not a friend to be trusted and make sure he keeps him at arms length.

[tobysmum77]

just saw your last post. What about telling them? I would be really upset/cross if dd was behaving like this towards another local child whether she liked then or not.

[mipmop]

Could you say something about how their child plays nicely with yours when it's just them, but when other children play too there's a lot of teasing and your child thinks their DS dislikes your DS? Treat it like a last chance- depending how the conversation goes either meet this weekend and try to monitor things, or cancel if they dismiss your concerns.

[adviceforme]

Hi tobys and mipmop

This has happened a few times and I let their DS know that they 'should stick together' if them other boys come. The parents are quite proactive in monitoring play and their DS. We have had a detailed conversation about how they play, group dynamics were menioned and pecking order. It does seem a bit drastic almost to keep him away. However when I think f the extent of upset him crying three hours after comming home, I'm erring towards this is just not the type of play or friends he needs.

Ive read the advice on the site kitchenwitch linked too and this describes different types of temperament/emtionality/age - it seems to ring true a lot of advice on there. DS would have been commonly referred to as a 'soft lad' (or maybe still is) in yesteryear. But I wouldnt desrcibe DS as 'soft' he is quite resilient, precise - yes a bit black and white but he knows what he does and does not like.

Each time DS was given a choice whether to play or not again. We have this time too initially and he said no more. I'm inclined to think this too. DH has said a longer cooling off period not just a few days this time.

I have activities booked for him next week, a sport, a special day out with just me, and he his having a friend round. We will fill in with park and swimming in between. We also have a family trip commin up.

I feel so protective of him. This parenting is like peeling an onion it really is. Also feel like I'm seeing him through a fresh pair of eyes. Im going to use the time in the car and things to do role plays and weave in talk about controlling outward responses (somehow).

Thanks

[TheKitchenWitch]

adviceforme I'd never heard of HSP / HSC so went off and Googled and OMG, that is completely and totally my ds!

I've noticed that he needs a slightly different approach with many things, but haven't always known what would work best. I'm not really keen on labelling everything a syndrome etc but any practical advice that would help with ds in certain situations would be much appreciated - so I've ordered the book :)

[adviceforme]

kitchenwitch

I only think this as of two days ago. In light of no 'quick' replies to thread mrs anxcious here did a MN search for old threads which is where I came across the term HSP/C which I then googled. Apoogies for not defining HSP up thread.

I am not surprised about what has happened. He has had stuff at school. If this makes any sense:

As a toddler he always played really nice, never scrappy or rough type play. So Ive always thought (proudly) what a well behaved boy who knows how to play properly. Others from being very little and now have always descrbed him as a bright boy. I was never worried about his development.

But then he started school and he seemed to struggle with playground stuff. Other children seem to have grown up and are starting to be a bit more street or cool (if this is the right way to describe those subtly social skills). My DS seems to be just stuck to wanting to play highly imaginative fighty good v bad games with rules and levels (but never physical). He tried to 'run with the pack' (if this correct term) when all the world cup stuff was on and it made for a few days of upset.

He had a boy always on at him. He was doing to lots of others so I dont think he was targeted as such, I had many many conversations with him about how to deflect this childs low level poking at him. In the end I spoke to deputy and said quite bluntly what I thought. They are in seperate classes next year.

So YY re label thing, but I want him to be understood. I really cringe at some of the parenting tactics I have used in the past and dont know if I have expaserated it all at times. I am very no nonsense, plain speaking quite hard I think at times. I realise that this is not helpful.

I have in passin worried a bit about the gap between him and peers socially but then on other stuff, like views of right and wrong and why etc he canbe quite articulate. He seems sensible and mature in other ways like his general behaviours.

The questions about the world and the meanings of words is very intense. He will cry easily, fully and for quite a bit if ive told him off or took something away. Too much ive always thought for his age. Then I have to compfort him and help him get some perspective back.

Definately a fresh pair of eyes on this DM!

[mipmop]

So do the parents know that their son joins in with the teasing? If they know, and won't or can't prevent this, that must be so disappointing. I don't know what hsp/c is about, but I think any child should be protected from a (non-medical etc) situation that causes them to be terribly upset for hours afterward. The fact that it's supposed to be a pleasurable event that's causing so much upset is awful. It sound like something that could cause him a lot of anxiety.

[adviceforme]

Yes mipmop they are aware of two occasions that this has happened. Both times with two different sets of boys common denominator was my DS and the 'friend'.

Well I feel very protective of him at the minute. He has had a busy week out and about so I let him have Minecraft time interspersed with clearing out bedroom tasks.

We have heard from the other parents. Just chatting to DH about it. We have asked DS whathe wants to do re meet up when parents are there and he said it is ok he would like to go. Dh and I think to go too as it will a) be supervised and b) not them older boys (who I think even if the same age and size would not be right for my DS)

The hsp is highly sensitive person/child - just learning myself it seems to fit. Im going to work on building his confidence over the next few weeks byt just being with him. Im lucky as it coincides with having some childcare sorted for DD who can easilt dominate time together.