School birthday party - do we invite a demanding child? Heeelllppp!

(42 Posts)
keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 10:28:55

Do I invite my child's friend to her birthday party when I know (and my daughter knows and has said so) that this child will try to keep her to the side, away from the group and stop her from joining in with the others because she doesn't like big groups and only wants to play with my lo. The simple answer is just don't invite the child, however, this child plays with my child at school, (the same problem is ongoing at school and we are getting totally lost with how to put it right), my child does actually like her generally, its just that this kid stops her from playing with others, and that is a major problem in my eyes. This child will fully expect to be invited, and will probably be heartbroken if she doesn't so it does feel really cruel, but I have to think of my own child here and the fact that her birthday will be essentially spoilt by one child selfishly wanting to keep the birthday girl to herself.
I have tied myself up in knots over this as I don't approve of the way this child behaves around my daughter, she's all over her squeezing her and squealing all the time, it feels obsessive. I don't want my lo to start being mean to anyone, but I really feel this is getting in the way of her own social development. Equally, my lo says she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Its a really tricky situation. Anyone have any experience of this and how did you handle it? If i do invite the child, she'll take over and spoil things, if I don't, she'll be heartbroken.
Gaaahh!!! Help!!!

keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 13:10:40

My dd is left out sometimes too, but I explain that everyone can't go to everyone elses party and she accepts it. She might be sad for a bit but she does get over it. I worry that this other child will get angry. When we have invited other friends to play and she finds out she has shouted why don't you invite me?! at my dd. And the one time she did come to play (so we could see how it all works) I overheard her telling my dd that other people wouldn't come if she didn't invite them! This was shortly before slamming the door in the face of my younger little girl and not letting her play - I was bloody livid! I opened the door and summoned every bit of patience I could muster and said very quietly, 'In this house we don't leave anybody out, we all play together or not at all!' Luckily it was time for her to go home so I had to leg it out and beg my hubby to take her back whilst I counted to 100 in a dark quiet room!!! She still demanded that she wanted to stay and sleep over after all that too! Err, no, its definitely time to go home....!!!
If it wasn't so heartbreaking it'd be funny!

CocktailQueen Wed 09-Jul-14 13:14:37

Personally I wouldn't invite her. It's your dd's party and you should think about what she wants. Yes, it might be a tough lesson for the other girl to learn but she needs to learn it -esp, if this has been ongoing for a while and you've tried to sort it to no avail!

keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 13:14:57

I'm going to look up that book defineme I just got Queen Bees & Wannabes but not had a chance to read it yet and I get the feeling its more aimed towards older children.
as for how many, well we have that to decide. Ordinarily we would have just said for all the girls and a couple of the boys she is pals with but like you say, if you invite all the girls except one it seems even worse.

Sleepsoon instinct says run for the hills as far as this child is concerned!

defineme Wed 09-Jul-14 13:15:06

If she has been unpleasant to your child then be very careful - you need your dd to know that you listen to her and protect her.
my dtwins had to get used to not being invited to ones their sibling was and my ds1 has asd and was left out increasingly as they got older (though we were thrilled to get sympathy invites as ds1 had no awareness thst that was why he was invited and loved parties)- such is life

CocktailQueen Wed 09-Jul-14 13:15:40

Just seen your last post. Sounds like she definitely has behaviour issues that need to be nipped in the bud -doesn't sound like a very pleasant child or nice behaviour. What's her mum like?

keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 13:24:45

I hardly see her. Just get text messages asking if she can come to play. I turn them down very politely. I should never, ever have handed over my phone number! If I had asked someone over and been declined that many times, I would stop asking!

To an outside person, it may appear that they are just great buddies. But they don;t see the tears at the end of some school days when something mean has been said, or the fact that my dds behaviour changes when around the intensive behaviour of this other child. She goes from mellow, to messing around in a second. I know all children are like this some of the time, its what children are like. But this child seems to be like this all of the time, in a very silly mood and literally just all over my lo. And when its all of the time, its not a good thing.

keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 13:34:02

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your opinions. Its good to hear that people 'get it' and both sides of the story are put forward. I'm going to talk to my dd after school and ask her again what she thinks and how would she handle it when this child finds out, or has she already announced it to her? There you have the remaining problem if we don't ask - will this cause even more stress for my lo and how can we help her to manage it assertively, honestly and gently all at the same time!? Thank goodness for the summer holidays.

mummytime Wed 09-Jul-14 13:36:22

sorry its simple. Don't invite the child. You aren't inviting the whole class and leaving one child out, you are just inviting those your DD wants.

This is a key lesson for your DD. You do not have to like everyone. You do not have to invite anyone just because "otherwise they will get upset". If the girl asks why she says "sorry but Mummy said I could only invite 10 (or whatever)".
Being able to say No is a key lesson for all children to learn. Your DD's feelings are just as valid as this other child's.

Give your DD permission to have other friends, choose her own friends and say No.

slackcabbage Wed 09-Jul-14 13:49:48

It's not that simple though is it? To quote from the op "my child does actually like her generally" and "my lo doesn't want to hurt her feelings"

Got to dash out (in the pouring rain) and away from this thread now. It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions but have to beg to differ as I just don't like it when I hear of 7 yr olds being left out (not directing blame at you op btw - it's v. understandable how you feel in the circs). It's just that, how will she learn a different way if everyone avoids her? sad

YOu sound lovely op, hope it works out for you and your dd!

Definitely go with what your DD wants, year 2 is old enough to know who her top 10 friends are or whatever. Obviously it's not kind to invite 14 out of 15 girls or 29 out of a class of 30 but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing anyway. Perhaps you could also help your DD find a way to explain how she feels when the other girl pressures her into playing exclusively with her? E.g. "I didn't like it when you tried to make me go upstairs at my last party because I wanted to play with all my friends together".

keeponkeepinon Wed 09-Jul-14 17:53:40

slack thanks that made me cry a bit! I hate to hurt the kid but I cannot stand to see the way it is going with my own little girl. It is literally breaking my heart to see her get pushed around even though she doesn't always realise it.

She came home from school in bits all sad because of a fall out and said please don't make me invite her. So thats that really. We've made a mixed up list of several boys and several girls and she'll have to accept it if (when) she finds out. We would accept it without causing a fuss so she can too. I was worried my lo might forget all about being upset with her and it all get flipped on its head again. They do fall out and make up but this is certainly a bit more complicated than that.
Apple I like this: E.g. "I didn't like it when you tried to make me go upstairs at my last party because I wanted to play with all my friends together". Perfect example. In fact, when she wants to chat about it again I'm going to mention this as something she can say. Its just honest. Its not being mean or anything, its just the truth.
Thank you all, we really have been in knots over this.

mummytime Wed 09-Jul-14 20:39:46

My DD has often been the 7 year old who is left out. I never hand parties for my DDs much above 12 friends in number. So someone is always going to be left out.
I have also had the "friend" who hangs around and begs for an invite (i felt sorry for her, she had a chaotic home life, I even once invited her as we had room, she didn't turn up unfortunately).

At 7 children are prefectly able to understand that sometimes they are not invited. And most children are fairly philosophical about it.

I don't like 1 child in a class, or one boy out of all the boys being left out. I also think it is sad when it is always the same child (but I accept it and wouldn't complain, even when it is my child).

slackcabbage Thu 10-Jul-14 13:46:48

sad Mummytime

glad you have come to a decision that feels right for you and your dd keeponkeepinon! Hope it goes really well too and your dd has a great time!

keeponkeepinon Thu 10-Jul-14 17:26:18

Not really, still wracked with guilt. ItsIts not that this would be the only child left out, I think she would have a shock when she found out she wasn't invited. Like someone said above, why have the parents not taught her not to be selfish and monopolise one child? Its their fault not mine.
So I still don't know really its a bit of an ethical dilemma!

slackcabbage Fri 11-Jul-14 14:16:00

Try not to feel guilty Keeponkeepinon. It's not as though you hadn't considered her feelings at all (which is what some people would do!). On the contrary, you've taken your time, consulted others and agonised over the decision.

Enjoy the party!

BarbarianMum Fri 11-Jul-14 20:10:42

I very much doubt she tries to monopolise your dd because she's selfish, I should think its much more likely to be related to a lack of social skills or social confidence. She's just a little girl trying to navigate her way through the minefield of playground politics.

You don't have to invite her and you don't have to justify your decision by being unkind either. If she was that awful your dd wouldn't have liked her at all.

Ohheavens Sat 12-Jul-14 21:12:02

Watching with interest, my DD (9) is in a very similar situation.

The other girl wants DD only to her self and sulks massively if DD plays with others at school.
Its definitely stopping DD having other friends.
She can also be extremely rude.

Other big problem for me is I am good friends with her mum. What to do???

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