5yo doesn't know when to back down

(16 Posts)
BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 19:55:58

How do you deal when your DC are winding you up on purpose, and you want to smack them right into next week but don't feel that's appropriate(!) - I'm talking about stuff like coming right up to me, bending over and farting, or calling me "Poo poo mummy" in a really jeery tone or after being asked not to do something (like, please don't kick the recycling) when they laugh at you and kick it harder. (I mean he's five not two!! He never did that when he was two!) I generally get to the point of screaming but it doesn't help. Sometimes send to room but that's another battle, and he will hang on to door frames and then claim that I'm hurting him when I prise him off. I do give him a screen ban for rudeness or violence towards me but suspect I've been a bit lax/reluctant to do this. Maybe I need to do it more? It makes me feel so shit and crap as a mum when he's doing this kind of horrible disrespectful behaviour. I would never ever ever have dared to fart or burp at my mum, I think it's disgusting.

Then is there any good way of dealing with an escalating situation, e.g. they are stalling bedtime, DH (usually DH but sometimes me as well) threatens something, that leads to more stalling and/or defiant anger stuff. It's just tiring and I hate getting into a stand off where you can't back down and they WON'T. I guess maybe it would help to avoid threats in the first place when they cause a reaction like this but especially when it's the end of the day, sometimes I don't have another option up there at short notice. Gah! Help?

HygieneFreak Mon 16-Jun-14 20:00:32

Wow! He sounds very hard work

What about the naughty step?

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 20:01:04

We live in a flat grin

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 20:01:45

To be fair he's not always like this but when he is it just pushes my buttons so badly.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein Mon 16-Jun-14 20:02:18

Are there times when he's calm and eager to please? Grab those moments, sit down as a family, make a (short) list of desired behaviour, with lots of input from him, make sure he knows exactly what will happen if he doesn't keep to it. Then be utterly consistent. Might need to revisit it after a few days but keep at it, I swear it really does work. Maybe a little surprise reward at the end of the week if he's done well, though I know some people aren't keen on this.

The escalating situation - I get drawn into this too but remember it never makes it worse if you simply walk away for a few minutes, as long as he is safe obviously. Just say you are taking a break to get a drink and go. You'll both be calmer within a few minutes.

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 20:05:21

You're right about walking away although that is hard to do in a very small flat. And when he was younger, that was even more of a trigger point - that he would follow me. Now he just tends to yell "Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy" until I answer.

Also about talking to him when he is calm, I've done this before and it helps, if only to remind me what I need to be consistent about. But when he is on a wind up kind of mood, nothing seems to help or deter him.

aftereight Mon 16-Jun-14 20:07:18

Sorry, I can't help, but my 5 yr old DS is going though this phase. I've just been reading online that it's quite common at this age. Like your DS, he has always been a loving and polite boy until recently.
I feel like a terrible parent when he acts aggressively towards me - wondering is it my fault, is it something I've done/not done? Will he become one of those awful out of control kids? What's the best way to deal with it?
So no answers, but some virtual hand holding from me!

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN Mon 16-Jun-14 20:20:18

Oh my goodness, if I wasn't my child's mother if think you were, you just described DS to a tee!
Smirking, mimicking, answering back, has to have the last word, selective deafness. I've tried reasoning, threatening, bribery, screaming and shouting sad I feel like I'm at my wits end and although it's awful I don't like him very much more than half of the time at the minute, I just want my lovely boy back

OddFodd Mon 16-Jun-14 20:42:34

Have you tried the marble jar? Start the week with 20 marbles and if you end the week with 20 marbles, you get a small treat (I have a basket with lego mini figures/trash pack etc in it that DS can choose from). My system starts with losing one marble for minor infractions and going up to 5 for something really bad. Good behaviour earns marbles back. DS's behaviour is much improved.

OddFodd Mon 16-Jun-14 20:44:15

Oh yes and my DS was a lovely 3YO too!

ghostisonthecanvas Mon 16-Jun-14 20:48:28

We recently started the football yellow card warning, red card off. Its very effective. Everyone was given a green card to start. Every now and then an unexpected treat for being on green otherwise its just about consequences.

plantsitter Mon 16-Jun-14 20:54:55

Have recently read playful parenting - it is very good for the escalating situation thing you are talking about in that he suggests ways of diverting the situation in the first place. It's a bit wanky in parts but just ignore those bits.

The other behaviour is attention seeking. For me, I would ignore farting etc and try to give attention elsewhere or distract. Hitting etc of course needs immediate action but if you don't tell off so often it is more effective ime.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein Mon 16-Jun-14 21:49:33

I agree Playful parenting is really good

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein Mon 16-Jun-14 21:50:52

Also the Explosive Child is a useful book for strategies - my ds was prone to rages though rather than cheekiness. He is 8 now and a million times better!

Lepaskilf Mon 16-Jun-14 21:52:50

He doesn't sound like hard work, just his behaviour is hard work.... I know! As you have described my nearly 5yr old too! There seems to be a trend here smile

My ds is cheeky and answers back also, if I tell him off then he tells me to stop being cheeky! He's a smart arse basically! I'm not a shouty mum, but sometimes he really tests me and I yell too. I hate it but it's just so draining to be constantly asking him to do something and him completely ignore me! Especially out in public when I feel people/mummy friends are judging how I will deal with the situation..... Today we were in a cafe and I he kept getting out of his seat, I asked him to come sit back down and he kept sayiing I am not your ds, your ds is outside, you can't tell me to sit down as I am not yours! Grrr! I was not in the mood!

I like the idea of the marbles smile..... I feel like I amm constantly giving threats, but the threats are too large so I always give in. I need to learn to give smaller threats!

BertieBotts Tue 17-Jun-14 09:40:15

I don't mind normal farting, I'll just say gross, go and do that in the toilet/fart in your own room, not mine! And sometimes we'll laugh about it. It's when he comes up and does it deliberately at me, it makes me feel humiliated and powerless. I had no idea that children could make you feel like that!

He doesn't hit, he used to but doesn't any more, if he ever does it's barely a pat (which still earns a screen ban just for the principle). If he's REALLY REALLY rageing then he might hit out, but normally at objects now, not people.

I might try The Explosive Child. I had Playful Parenting but I couldn't get far in it. Partly because the language is annoying, secondly it makes me feel guilty because I always thought I'd be a fun, lighthearted parent and yet I'm stressy, and lastly because some of the ideas I just felt ridiculous even imagining.

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