I must be such a shit mum. My baby is never happy.

(64 Posts)
Slh122 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:10:42

Have a 10 week old baby who has cried from day 1, pretty much constantly. He's EBF, I feed him on demand, I offer him a feed everytime he's upset, I've tried a dummy which sometimes works, he's got a vibrating bouncy chair, tried the playmat, the sling doesn't work and he stops crying and goes to sleep in the pram or car but wakes up as soon as we get home.
He cries so much and refuses to sleep in the day. Thankfully he sleeps about 6-7 hours during the night but it's an absolute nightmare to get him to go to sleep. He screams until he eventually falls asleep.
He gets overtired in the day but won't sleep bar being in the pram or car seat and obviously I can't take him out all day everyday. Went out for Mother's Day yesterday for a meal and he screamed blue murder. Whenever my family see him they comment on what an unhappy baby is.
I've had 2 and a half months of constant crying no matter what I do and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel depressed and like crying all the time because he cries so much. I try my best and I feel like he hates me and I must be such a rubbish mum.

fuckwitteryhasform Mon 31-Mar-14 12:15:47

That doesn't sound normal, have you seen your GP?

Slh122 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:20:01

Yes, have been to the GP countless times. Apparently nothing wrong, just a very fussy baby who spends most of his time crying. Sometimes (usually first thing in the morning) he can be lovely and smiley, but it never lasts long before we have another meltdown.

yummystepford Mon 31-Mar-14 12:24:52

Have you tried colic relief?

FobblyWoof Mon 31-Mar-14 12:25:27

He doesn't hate you, and you're not a bad mum. You're doing really well. It sounds like you've definitely got his needs in mind and you're trying loads of different things to try and make it better- what more could he want than that?

I'm using the app so I can't check if you've already said this but have you tried talking to your health visiting team? Do they have drop in clinics. Hv's can be a bit hit and miss but in my experience they're lovely.

HPparent Mon 31-Mar-14 12:26:42

Sorry to hear this op. It is not your parenting believe me. My oldest child was like this. She spent most of her waking hours screaming. We tried cranial osteopathy and changed to soya milk on our GPs advice both of which helped quite a bit. I would consider getting another GP if they are not very helpful as mine was brilliant. Try your HV as well she might have some ideas to help.

fuckwitteryhasform Mon 31-Mar-14 12:26:43

I have read and heard about high needs babies and hopefully someone with experience of one will be along shortly..... however I've read threads on high needs babies before (maybe do a search) and they do grow out of it x Is your instinct telling you something is wrong medically or do you think your GP is right?

Marne Mon 31-Mar-14 12:28:28

Please don't think its anything you are doing wrong sad ,some baby's are just like this, I had one, she cried all the time, cried when anyone came near her, cried in the car and cried in the buggy and cried all night, it was exhausting and as she was my first I thought I must be doing a terrible job.

2 years later I had dd2 and she was sooooo much easier, slept through the night, would sit in her bouncy chair for hours without making a sound and anyone could cuddle her.

I hope things get easier for you as I know how exhausting it can be <hugs>

Slh122 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:30:52

Thanks everyone. My instinct isn't telling me there's anything wrong medically, I've seen 2 HV and a few different GPs as well. He's just so fussy and high needs. Hopefully he'll grow out of it soon. Last night I just had to give him to DP and walk out the room as I couldn't listen to the incessant crying any longer.

Sunnysummer Mon 31-Mar-14 12:38:32

The nicest thing I heard when we were going through the shitstorm that was the first 3 months of a miserable colicky refluxy baby was from our friend who has twins, and said:

1. It's not your parenting (one of her non-identical twins was like this, the other completely placid, so it couldn't be down to parenting!)
2. It's not their personality (both of hers were mightily cheerful toddlers).

It was lovely advice, and with DS a year old I can tell you it turns out to have been right. DS cheered up a lot around 16-18 weeks, more again when he started crawling, and now everyone who meets him talks about how sunny he is. He grew out of his early discomfort and reflux, but he is also incredibly active and we wonder if he hated being 'stuck' as they are in the early days.

It's hard when you see all these quiet little sleepers in their prams, but your baby will come into their own at another stage, while some of the easy-early ones will be almighty terrors at 2.

In the meantime, the sling was our saviour, and reading about high needs babies can help reassure you that you're not alone out there.

www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/what-high-need-means-story-about-our-high-need-baby

Sunnysummer Mon 31-Mar-14 12:42:17

Just saw that the sling doesn't work for you - which ones have you tried? DS hated the bjorn, but loved the soft moby after I first fed him in it, and is still super keen on his ergo and manduca a year later.

I don't want to be a total pusher, as totally appreciate that not everyone loves slings, but for fretful babies it is fantastic if you are able to find one to work for you both, it lets you have your hands free so that even if he is fussing, you can at least get a cuppa while trying to soothe him down! Sling libraries are often an affordable and easy way to check.

ArtFine Mon 31-Mar-14 12:49:09

This isn't right. There must be something wrong.

Look into cows milk allergy. Can you eliminate dairy completely from your diet for two weeks? Alternatively put baby on a non dairy formula.

If that doesn't help, look into silent reflux.

My LO was exactly as you describe and at 3 months I was so desperate and took her to A&E and they made a referal to peadetrician who gave medicine for silent reflux and she was a different baby. 3 months later we found at she had cows milk allergy and she is still suffering from it.

stargirl1701 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:50:01

DD was like this. Everywhere we went people stared. Mums at groups were shocked. I remember coming home from Rhymetime and sobbing. By 5 months she slept about 3 non-consecutive hours a day. The worst day we had (cold, dark, wet January day) she screamed for 13 solid hours without a break.

It turned out she had silent reflux which I had never heard of. I thought reflux meant vomiting (which she never did). We got meds sorted out at 7 months and 48 hours later she slept 12 hours overnight with 2 naps during the day.

It was hell though. Is your HV any good? I often rode the bus in a circle as movement seemed to help but I was too exhausted to drive. DD was in the pram and I took a pillow and slept on a seat. I chose a route that lasted at least an hour.

ArtFine Mon 31-Mar-14 12:50:32

Will your baby take a bottle?

Superworm Mon 31-Mar-14 12:51:52

Have you ruled out allergies/reflux?

Superworm Mon 31-Mar-14 12:52:59

x- post smile

Superworm Mon 31-Mar-14 12:54:45

DS has cows milk protein and soy allergies. I eliminate both completely from my diet as I'm breastfeeding and it helped resolve it.

Seems to be fairly common.

MyNameIsSuz Mon 31-Mar-14 13:09:04

Ahh, you have my sympathies, I have one of those. Second the idea of trying different slings, mine was good in a moby wrap. Something it might be worth trying is taking the baby out for walks in the sling before coming back inside, rather than putting it on inside and walking around the house - if the baby sleeps while you're out, that'll get him used to being in the sling and you'll be able to start using it in the house.

I coped by just holding him ALL THE TIME as he wasn't happy in his chair, he fed all the time too so I spent so much of my time on the sofa with him draped across my lap. I had a little station on the sofa next to me with a water bottle, snacks, kindle etc.

It does get better, mine is now 18 months old and is lovely, and the least needy, most independent little soul I know. Hang in there!

fraggle500 Mon 31-Mar-14 13:13:18

Sounds just like my little one (12 years ago now) I was at the end if my tether. He was always crying , nothing would settle him, only slept for 2 hours in one stretch max. I stopped going to mothers and baby groups etc as he was always screaming etc and I would end up in tears trying to comfort him in front of a room full of happy or peacefully sleeping babies hmm
In the end I read Gina Ford Contented baby. Followed it to the letter - 3 days later a different baby and a different mum! smile
I'm not saying it was a magic wand, but gave me the confidence that I was doing "something right" . I felt more in control , if that makes sense. Anyway it goes get better grin

Greenstone Mon 31-Mar-14 13:17:43

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you're going through this. I had a fussy baby too and I remember writing a post like this when she was 10 weeks! You feel so full of despair. There was nothing wrong with my baby, she was just fussy, but of course it's always worth getting a 2nd/3rd opinion if you instinctively feel it could be silent reflux or allergies.

Can I ask again about the sling. Most babies hate going into it at first and will protest vociferiously, but if it is a comfy wrap sling then it's worth trying to just ignore the screaming (hard, hard I know) and jiggling them around. Eventually they will settle and learn to like it. In a wrap sling they are close, warm and upright and if your baby does have reflux that's a helpful combination for comfort. The Kari-me worked for us.

If a sling really isn't possible, then another suggestion, if you at all have the room in your house, is to simply just push him around in the pram INSIDE. Play a load of white noise if necessary, invent bumps (I used to just push the pram over some crumpled tea-towels blush). I totally agree that you can't stay out all day everyday but if he does actually sleep in the pram, at least you can have a cup of tea in your own home while pushing the pram with one foot etc. if you're inside.

Hang in there. It might be hard for another few weeks yet but the worst should be over by 6months. DD is two now and so so easy.

You are not a bad mum. You are a great mum, concerned about your baby. My 13 month old was exactly like this. Cried all the time, people even commented that she was a frowny, sad little thing. I thought I wasn't coping and I was so miserable being "stuck" with her all day as DP was out at work 8am-12am. She never napped. Just screamed or fed. I tried everything. Sling, cranial osteopathy, infacol, everything. Nothing worked. I was completely on my knees.

Then at about 14 weeks she started to change. By 5 months she was a complete ray of sunshine. Now she is completely jolly and happy, always smiling and hardly ever cries.

Try everything suggested. It might work, it might not. You might feel purposeful trying different things. But you might just find that he changes as he gets a few weeks older. He might just be one of those babies for who everything is just too much stimulation, until he gets a bit older and a bit more used to this big scary world.

You are doing brilliantly. In just a few months you will look back and feel so proud of getting through this tough tough time. Just grind it out for a little bit longer. It's getting better, I promise. You can do this.

mrsspagbol Mon 31-Mar-14 13:23:56

Hi sorry have skim read so hope I don't x post

Could you try
Colief
Look into Silent Reflux
Cranial Osteopathy

Hope things get better - you are not a bad mum. You are doing a great job.

lola88 Mon 31-Mar-14 13:24:04

I used to have to have DS sleep 2 hours from when he woke or he was a nightmare it meant a lot of walking about in the rain but that's what I done once I got the overtiredness under control it got better but he still had to walk to sleep and I spent a good 8 months planning my days round his naps. He slept 4 times a day to start with so it was hard going but i'd rather walk in peace and have a happy baby for a while than stay in.

girliefriend Mon 31-Mar-14 13:27:20

Hi another one who remembers feeling like this! I remember one day when dd was about 12 weeks, she woke up crying and pretty much cried for 12 hours solid shock

I think 10 -12 weeks is a notoriously stormy period for babies, they go through a big leap in their brain development and for some it's too much!!

I also decided to Gina Ford her, in desperation really, as nothing else worked. Was also bfing, I found this sorted out her day time naps. I had no idea I could put her back to bed an hour after she got up <clueless mother emicon> and also things like having her room really dark and quiet for naps helped.

As you said over tiredness was the enemy and it became obvious dd needed a lot of sleep but needed it to be in a quiet, dark room away from any stimulation. Once we got this sorted I still wouldn't go as far to say she was the happiest baby ono the planet but things improved. If nothing else it gave me a break a few times a day to get my head together smile

Millie3030 Mon 31-Mar-14 13:28:20

Agree with above, I followed Gina Ford and it helped a lot when my LO was little. Do you have a routine? Just to rule out overtiredness? And formula may help? Is your LO gaining weight steadily each week, to rule out hunger?

My LO was also a horror until 8months, sorry I know at seems like an awfully long way off but it will fly by. Someone earlier said they thought their baby seemed miserable at being 'stuck' within themselves and I completely agree, I think my LO wanted to crawl, eat, stand up etc and was miserable until he could. I would be sooo embarrassed at groups and gatherings as my baby was always the crying/whingey one. But bang! 8 months on crawling around, grabbing everything he wants, and is soooo happy, I honestly don't think I bonded with him until he started being happy in his own skin. Now it's lush!

Some people have easy babies, and they will not understand, but all I can say is, your LO will NOT be like this forever, they will grow out of it and cheer up. The fact that you feel bad when your LO cries and you feel guilty, already shows how much you care, so you are doing great. You just have to power through! Big hugs to you xx

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