Right! I'm going to challenge myself to a whole month of no yelling

(16 Posts)
ScottishInSwitzerland Mon 24-Feb-14 20:38:21

Excuses to start - I have two DDs, aged 2 and almost 4. a DH who works long hours. And no family support.

But. I yell. Too much. Particularly at the older daughter.

Today I thought it would be a lovely thing to take them to the park as it's such a nice day. But I ended up really shouting at my eldest to the extent that two nearby mums looked really shocked and I thought one of them was going to come over.

I was trying to get youngest in a sling. I asked eldest to grab a bit and help me. I asked three times getting louder and more of a bitch each time. Then finally yelled it so loud the whole park must have heard. If I had seen another mum do that I probably would have judged and felt sorry for the little girl on the receiving end.

Dd just sighed, said alright and grabbed the bit of sling for me. She is probably used to me being a shouty cow.

But that's not how I want to be. I can see I've been yelling more and more and it's not making any of us any happier. Not making her listen any better. So I am going to stop

I am posting here - partly in hope that there will be others who are in the same boat. Or people with (kind!) advice to give. But also I hope if I've written it down somewhere I might stick to it.

stripeytiger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:00:37

Don't beat yourself up. I am shouty too, I hate myself for doing it. It's funny when you hear others doing the same when you're having a calm moment and think to yourself how awful it sounds. Mine are 12 and nearly 11 and I still do it!! I find when i have pmt it is much much worse! You are right about them not listening any better though, I think it's a way of us releasing our pent up frustration. When I was really, really angry with 10 year old ds the other day, instead of shouting, I lowered my voice and came down to his level and spoke very slowly and emphatically. Have to say it was far more effective....if only I could do that every time i get wound up.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Bedsheets4knickers Mon 24-Feb-14 21:12:59

Fancy a buddy???? I'm happy to join you . When do we start??
I'm totally serious x

Bedsheets4knickers Mon 24-Feb-14 21:15:26

A lot of my yelling is frustration with my youngest 16 months. My 1st born 3.5 gets the brunt of it. I'm so ashamed to say.

mumofboyo Mon 24-Feb-14 21:21:05

I can be a bit of a "yeller" at times too, especially when I'm due on.
I try to remind myself that it's not their fault that they either don't understand my requests or are too young to do as asked; I sometimes talk to them as if they're older than they are and then get frustrated because they respond as a one or two year old! hmm
Perhaps try to imagine that there's someone there with you, filming you to broadcast to all and sundry: would that make you react in a different way?
When you get in the habit of shouting it becomes a bit of a viscous circle because over time it loses its power and the children ignore it; instead get quieter: controlled anger is much more scary and powerful than shouty fish wife.
Try to phrase things in a more positive way, for example, "When we've got [2y old] in the sling, then we can get a [insert treat or fun thing here]."
If things don't happen as you'd like, count to either 3 or 5 and explain what will happen when you get to this magic number. Then be prepared to follow through with your threat. Every single time.
If they keep pestering you for something that you can't or don't want to give or do, say no a maximum of 3 times, after which say, "I've given you my answer, I won't answer again," and don't.
Pick your battles because you must win each and every one. If it's not that important and you haven't got the time or energy to see it through to its end, don't start it. An example of this would be tidying the toys away. If it's time to go out and the room is a mess and you haven't the time to battle with them to get them to tidy up then leave it: every now and again it won't hurt to leave the toys out.
If you find yourself getting angry and beginning to shout then take a step back, breathe and try again on ten mins or so. Either that or let someone else take over.

I hope I'm making sense!
I must take my own advice too because there are times when I feel the same way and then when the dc have gone to bed and I think about the day's events I feel really bad about losing my temper and patience so often.

Bedsheets4knickers Mon 24-Feb-14 21:22:15

Nighttime guilts here also

ScottishInSwitzerland Mon 24-Feb-14 23:31:54

Thanks for all these tips

Id love company bedsheets

I'm starting tomorrow!
Not off to best start as it's half midnight here and I'm still awake. But I will not be grumpy and shouty in the morning. Oh no not me :-)

HelenHen Tue 25-Feb-14 09:34:12

I was shouts for a bit and hated myself for it and it had no effect on ds. So I just stopped and everything's just much more pleasant now. It's tough and I still do it but very rarely. I'm really glad I changed though.

2littlerascals Tue 25-Feb-14 10:42:56

Hi - going to sound smug here... but I don't shout. I do get fierce and raise my voice so not that smug then!!! I say "Mummy doesn't want to get cross" or "mummy is starting to feel very annoyed now as you're not listening"... The book that really I find helpful is "parental effectiveness training" - tbh I really needed to read it. I don't need to use the naughty step, my daughter asked me the other day what "punishment" meant. No means a saint by nature in fact been told in the past I'm an "angry person" just learnt some techniques for behaviour control. Try the book - total lifesaver!

hinkyhonk Tue 25-Feb-14 12:01:08

i am a (mostly) reformed shouter. We moved house last year and have had a really bad run of sleeping so i was just short tempered the whole time with stress and tiredness.

but i decided to try to not shout if at all possible and it has really impacted on the children's behaviour - they calm down quicker and don't shout back and it generally means a happier household.

bloody hard to do though so you have my sympathies. i tend to just take several really deep breaths and really try (not very helpful i know).

need to reinitiate the no shouting as it has crept back in after a rocky half term. good luck!

ScottishInSwitzerland Tue 25-Feb-14 21:06:23

Well 1 day down 29 to go.
I did not shout today!
I did do a little squeal of. "Careful careful careful" as my cup of coffee was nearly sent flying.

But overall I did ok.

It's been a long day. Up at 5.30 with dd2 and then dd1 didn't go to sleep until 9.30pm.

I actually didn't use to be a shouter. I totally agree with the tips about putting a positive spin on things, picking your battles etc. And I did used to do all that.
But I am finding this stage so hard. Dd2 can walk, run, climb etc. She has very little sense of danger and I feel I need to watch her like a hawk. She hates being in the buggy and screams if I put her in. She enjoys walking but also enjoys pretending to nap in the middle of the pavement, pretending to be a cat complete w crawling and miaow noises. And she often gets very frustrated that I won't let her run into the road

Every trip out seems such a huge endeavour

The other thing I struggle with is going over to dd1 to connect with her. So instead of shouting at her from a couple if meters away I ought to go over and get down to her level. But that can be easier said than done when dd2 is screaming or bolting. Or 'sleeping'

At the park yesterday I felt so torn as dd2 was climbing steps and coming down a really fast slide so I had to be there for her. But dd1 was at the top of a hill rolling down it and yelling for me to come and join in. Then she tried to walk on a fence and I had to rush to her to tell her to stop. Etc etc etc.

I'm off to sleep now in the hope I will be well rested to achieve my second non yelling day smile

hinkyhonk Tue 25-Feb-14 22:24:21

Well done deep breaths and lots of wine after bedtime helps too

ScottishInSwitzerland Thu 27-Feb-14 19:17:44

Urgh
Yesterday - day 2 - went well. A few times I was really almost yelling but I managed to stop myself.

But today I failed!! At bath time dd1 was singing. But it was really grating in my head. A tone less droning. So I asked her to give me a bit of quiet. She kept going. Dd2 joined in by shrieking. And I yelled 'shush!!' At them

So I have well and truly failed at managing 30 days without yelling. I didn't even manage three days

I am going to eat copious amounts of chocolate tonight once dd1 finally goes to sleep. And start again fresh tomorrow.

mumofboyo Thu 27-Feb-14 19:49:47

One shouty word/sentence out of the whole day, 3 whole days even, isn't bad going! You did really well smile

workingonitagain Thu 27-Feb-14 20:10:05

I would love to just last a day without shouting i have 3 ds 4,2,3month and dp has been away all way im breaking down slowly. Dps dad came over today to watch the 2 older while i put the baby to bed and i started crying in front of him being so fed up. I just hate that im not enjoying them at all right now and it makes me feel angry and also have resentment towards dp for going away so much! I know my weakness is stressful situation eg getting ready in the morning or trying to do the simplest thing and ds2 climbing on the baby. Anyway tomorrow is friday and we don't have to get out of the house so no pressure see how it goes! Good luck to us smile

Bedsheets4knickers Thu 27-Feb-14 22:24:32

Il post my progress tomoz ,had a crazy few days. In short less shouting def hasn't been easy x

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