I don't do boys

(91 Posts)
crowsnest Wed 19-Feb-14 10:21:50

I have name changed because i'm so ashamed of how I feel. It eats me up and worries me daily.

I have 2 boys and a girl and I adore my girl (middle child) so much more than my boys. blush.

I do love my boys but it is nothing compared to my girl. She is 4 and I absolutely love everything about her and being with her. I love the girly things she loves from the clothes to the toys and her activities.
I hate boys toys, games, activities and especially can't bare play dates with other boys that turn into utter hell.

When my DD has friends round they are lovely. They all dress up and play dolly's and houses and giggle away in the bedroom. I get on well with all of her girl friends and I deal well with other peoples girls.

When DS (6) has friends in they play fight, destroy, run riot, get totally out of hand and over the top. They can be so horrible.

My youngest DS is 18 months so still just a cute baby but having spent nearly 7 years surrounded with boys (all my friends have boys the same age) im dreading it. I know he will get to 3 and just become annoying to me!
Already he goes around toddlers groups whacking kids he wants toys from. Admittedly DS1 or DD didn't do this but it's something else I've observed about the differences between the genders. Although i've met the odd Ferrel girl grin it's mostly boys that will go around the toddler group hitting.

My attitude stinks I know. I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC's and I should be utterly besotted with them all but i just don't do boys well sad.

When I had DS1 I was over the moon. Didn't care. This dislike of boys came about from being around children and watching my DC's grow. When I fell PG unexpectedly with DC3 I was praying for a girl.

I spent 9 months thinking about how she might have a sister close in age to her and imagining my two little girls and sharing a room then DS2 was born. I just cried sad. I was devastated. I didn't want to feel like that and I'm ashamed of it but i was gutted.

Thankfully I bonded with him. I've never had any problem with loving him or PND which I thought I might get if it was another boy. I also love DS1 and have a good relationship with both generally. I try very hard to be affectionate and spend time alone with DS1.

I have however never shook off the disappointment. 2 of the other antenatal friends who had boys same time as me first time went on to have girls same time as me having DD then we all had our third same time. Yep, you guessed it, they had 2nd girls and I had DS2. I could see their delight. I could feel it. They would say things like "so glad they can share a room" or "it's nice for DD1".

I feel bad DD will never have a sister. I didn't have one and in recent years thought how nice it would be as an adult particularly.

My heart is breaking about how quickly DD has grown and she will have to go to school in August. I've never had anytime with her as when DS1 went to school, DS2 was born. She is having to start young as she is a December baby. I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong. All of the hard work to bring up 3 but feeling like I have 1 child in my heart sadsad.

Has anyone else felt like this? Did it get better in time?

CarolineKnappShappey Wed 19-Feb-14 10:24:53

No advice, but sorry you are feeling so sad.

You do have to address this though as I feel sorry for your DCs.

MrsWolowitz Wed 19-Feb-14 10:29:00

Not sure you if you prefer girls or just having quiet children.

I have 3 DDs. One is similar to yours but the others are noisy, rough, boisterous and bouncy. When they have friends over they roll around on the floor play-fighting and practicing "rugby" hmm

Conversely one of my nephews is quiet and gentle and thoughtful and very happy to bake and make things and cuddle up.

Maybe you need to get it out of your head that boys are harder than girls and accept that maybe your children are just different. That may give you the freedom to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do and also the free your DC from the gender roles that you seem to have unintentionally placed them in.

Sorry you're feeling like this flowers

noblegiraffe Wed 19-Feb-14 10:33:57

If boys come around and run riot and destroy things, I'd be pissed off too. That's not being a boy, that's being badly behaved and you should stamp on it. Do you discipline them, or do you see it as boys being boys? If they want to run around then channel that energy into appropriate activities such as sport or going to the park.

Oblomov Wed 19-Feb-14 10:39:26

Sorry to hear you feel like this.
I have 2 boys and have no desire for girls. When my ds's have friends round, they are a joy. I love it. They do all the things you say, running around, laughter, but they don't get ott and they are not hell. I love it.

But I have had a closer relationship to ds2. I have found ds1 much harder. But that changes and goes in peaks and troughs. I can only suggest, that maybe yours might too.

And also when she starts school, you will just be left with ds3. So it will change again.

LtGreggs Wed 19-Feb-14 10:42:09

I do feel for you. And thankful that you have an anonymous internet place to be able to talk about this.

I think MrsWolowitz might be quite insightful saying that you prefer your DD's character, rather than her being a girl per se.

I don't have such strong feelings as you describe, but do regularly find myself thinking that one of by DC is more 'special' to me that the other. I do worry about that, and don't every want to let it show - it's certainly not something I'd want to intentionally feel. But no point denying that I do sometimes have that feeling.

Would you be able to seek some real-life counselling to talk this through? Have to say that on something like this which is potentially a bit taboo, I'd go for a professional to discuss with rather than a friend, if possible.

Also, I think things do change over time. You have a more intense bond and level of interaction with pre-schoolers than you do as school children - they just grow up smile - so with three little ones close together and still young you are still going through a very intense close relationship with them and that might be magnifying feelings either way.

I think it might be wise to get some counselling. Regardless of whether your boys behaviour is implicit to their gender or individual personality, and I believe it to be the latter, you need to act to change the way you view your children.

Not only is it not healthy for your boys you are also limiting the boundaries of your daughters behaviour to fit a stereotype of a pink princess to suit you best. You need to nip this in the bud before all your children are aware of this favouritism, if they are not already.

PolyesterBride Wed 19-Feb-14 10:44:34

I have a daughter who is 6 and she doesn't play nicely with her friends at all. They fight and sulk and make a huge mess every time they get together. I think you just prefer your daughter's personality and should try to separate it from gender if you can.

PumpkinPie2013 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:46:09

I agree with noble running riot and destroying things isn't a boy thing, it's bad behaviour which needs to be dealt with using appropriate consequences.

I also think you need to address your feelings about your boys because otherwise they will notice that you favour your daughter as they get older which isn't fair.

Can you find an activity you can enjoy with your boys? Spend time alone with them.

I have nephews who are now 12 and 16 and are growing into lovely young men - I'm sure your boys will too.

LtGreggs Wed 19-Feb-14 10:47:37

Also I think a bit of 'what if...' is normal. I have two boys and feel wistful sometimes for stripey tights and pinafore dresses and that I'll always be the 'mother in law' for grandchildren.

Suppose what I'm saying is that many people have the kind of feelings you are describing - but it sounds like the strength of your feelings is making things difficult.

Kaluki Wed 19-Feb-14 10:54:24

I have 2 boys and used to long for a girl but having seen my friends DDs and my DSD I actually prefer boys!
I agree OP you should speak to someone professional before you sons start to realise how you feel.

scarlettsmummy2 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:55:49

I have two little girls and agree that it sounds more like you like your daughters gentle nature. When my daughter has play dates they rarely play nicely and it is generally lots of running around causing havoc and fighting with each other. She is at an all girls school and believe me they can be just as difficult as boys.

crowsnest Wed 19-Feb-14 10:57:15

Im actually in tears that nobody has bitten my head off. Maybe I wanted someone to give me a virtual slap grin!

noblegiraffe I do discipline but they get whipped up into a frenzy and within minutes of the row they are off again.
DS has only 1 friend I like. He is the only calm boy to come round so keeps my DS calm and they play well.
The rest, particularly his best friend from next door and in his class at school is awful. He is wild and rude at times. It is so hard to discipline someone else's child. I'm shocked at how he reacts. Either rude or off in a huff. I wouldn't let my kids get away with that.

I've spoken to the parents, our neighbours and friends, when things were getting out of hand at school and they are lovely but very wet. They seem to just think, ah well, they are little children.

I had 12 girls for my DD's birthday party in December, in the house. It was noisy but they were having fun and I enjoyed it. I love her little friends and they all like coming to my house. Im often seen at cafe's and toddler groups with my friends little girls climbing all over me to get on my knee. I seem to be so natural with girls and not boys. Im almost uneasy around DS's friends.

I used to do similar for my DS but have now banned anymore than 1 playmate for him at a time. DS is obviously to blame too in that he gets way too hyper and shows off with friends around. He is a lovely, kind, thoughtful boy but he is embarrassing around other children.

I've often said to my DH that I find the differences and my feelings so hard to deal with sometimes that I think I would have been better off with 3 boys and being none the wiser. I hate the fact I feel like I have an 'only daughter'. I don't want one child to stand out.

Mums of just boys or just girls. Do you have similar feelings about one child? I suspect im just nuts!

harryhausen Wed 19-Feb-14 11:07:11

I have a dd and a ds. I honestly don't think it's a gender thing. I too think it's more of an 'easier' child thing.

My dd has never been into pink. Now she's nearly 9 she's more into sci if and zombies, and black everything. My ds will happily play quietly on his own making up games. Equally, they can both be really boisterous. My ds has made me madder than my dd, but that's maybe because he's younger, more stubborn and like a little bulldog. I totally l love him equally.

I don't do many play dates, to be honest the boys I've had over are easier than the girls. I've had some nightmare girls round.

I know plenty girls, including 7 in my family ranging from 6 to 22yrs. Some are angles, some are hellish out of control nightmares - however, they're all fab. A niece of mine used to make my dsis cry daily from her behaviour but is now the most amazing teenager. She's loving, funny and a joy to spend time with.

I'm sorry you feel so awful about it, but please try not to think all girls are delightful and boys awful. It's really not my experience. I think it's just different children.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 11:07:28

I think you expect a certain kind of behaviour from boys. You are already expecting your 18 month old son to be loud, riotous and break things.

Then, when they do behave in an unruly manner, you think, yep, that's boys.

It's not so OP. They behave like that because you allow them to.

You need to put some boundaries in place and enforce them. If you don't want them to shout indoors, tell them. If you don't want them to run around the house screaming, tell them.

You have prejudice against boys without even trying to look to where that behaviour is coming from.

MildDrPepperAddiction Wed 19-Feb-14 11:08:07

Are you sure you don't have a mild form of pnd or similar? I agree with pp that maybe speaking to a gp or councillor may help you reconcile our feelings before your children start to notice.

Purpleprickles Wed 19-Feb-14 11:08:13

I could be the one to offer the virtual slap for you but that's my baggage of my own situation.

Seriously though I agree with everyone who says its personality rather than gender. I have a ds who has spent the whole morning so far quietly colouring dinosaurs and writing me notes. I have a dn who is like a whirlwind of activity and noise. Have you done any reading about boys and development? I only ask because I am also an early years teacher and have done a lot for work to find ways to motivate boys at school. Sally Featherstone has a book called The Cleverness of Boys which has case studies of 'rowdy' boys and how to engage them. It's just interesting to read because what is often perceived as bad behaviour is all to do with different parts of boys brains developing at different rates to girls and us making sure we provide a safe and beneficial environment for them to develop in. You might find this helpful, the very old raising boys is a good book too.

drivenfromdistraction Wed 19-Feb-14 11:11:27

My first instinct on reading your post is to feel angry at you, and protective of my lovely boys. I know quite a few mothers who are anti-boy, including their own. I think it's wrong, and just as bad as the tendency to treat girls as second-class citizens that was so prevalent in the past and in many parts of the world today. No child deserves to have sweeping assumptions made about them from their gender. But, from your post I can see that you are struggling with this and want things to change, so here is my take on it.

This might sound harsh, but I think that wanting/preferring a particular gender is linked with seeing your child as an extension of you. They're not, and they're not here to play a certain role in your life (or in each other's). You, on the other hand, ARE here to play a role in theirs: to love, nurture and help them grow into rounded adults. The joy you get along the way is indescribable, and far more IMO than any 'ideal' imaginary picture in your head.

I think you need to begin to appreciate your children as individuals. I have two boys and a girl too. They each have lovely qualities and some rather annoying habits. DS2 is keen on ballet and dressing up games, DS1 prefers books and football, DD is the Lego enthusiast. They all love rolling around in the mud and running around shouting in a little gang, which drives me bonkers at times.

You do have to nip any hitting in the bud. It's no more acceptable in a boy than in a girl. The only one I have trouble with there is 2yo DD, she bites her older brothers when she doesn't get her way. DS2's face the first time that happened was heartbreaking - total crumpling incomprehension. I have a zero tolerance policy towards all violence in any of them.

I hope you find a way towards opening up your mind to just accepting each child as themselves and enjoying the constantly-changing connection you have with them. It is such a lovely thing.

crowsnest Wed 19-Feb-14 11:11:50

ltgreggs thanks. I hope I do settle once they are older. Im scared I go on feeling like this and the boys notice. I also don't want this level of anxiety about DD to carry on. I believed if DC3 had been another DD I'd have relaxed a bit more about all the fears I have for her future.

I'd never ever say this out loud to anyone other than DH. I'd never want to hurt anyone's feelings or more to the point, let anyone know how crazy I am!

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 11:12:22

I do discipline but they get whipped up into a frenzy and within minutes of the row they are off again.

And what do you do then, ignore it? Discipline has to be consistent to be effective. If you tell them to stop doing something and they just carry on anyway it is because they know you don't mean it.

What do you do to discipline? Is there any time out, or what?

Well I only have boys and tbf I'd rather gauge my eyes out with spoons than invite 12 of their friends around. I suspect I'd feel the same if I had a girl and 12 of her friends were in the house but, as you say, I can't test that theory because I only have boys.

But regardless of the if, buts and maybes, you DO have children of both genders. It seems as though you are collecting evidence to justify these feelings. But that's not helping you or your boys. You'll have too do somw thing different if you want to feel differently.

Floralnomad Wed 19-Feb-14 11:13:35

I agree with fairenuff and you really need to stop obsessing about it . Having one of each I will also point out that by the time girls are in yr 5/6 to about yr 10 you will be pleased to only have one of them ,read some of the threads on here pre teen girls can be really nasty to each other .

NigellasDealer Wed 19-Feb-14 11:15:47

yes i kind of know what you mean a bit (b/g twins)- when boys came round to play there was mayhem, a smashed glass front door, daughters hair being cut off, and worse! in the end i just banned 'playdates'.

tell you what though, they are 15 now and guess who is happy to help and who will not lift a finger???

NigellasDealer Wed 19-Feb-14 11:16:25

she is like the bride of chucky

mrscog Wed 19-Feb-14 11:18:54

I think you could possibly consider parenting in a more gender neutral way - there is no such thing as boys toys/games and girls toys or games. I've never seen a toy that requires a certain genitalia set to operate it (well not for a child!). My DS is 2 and loves playing teasets, putting teddies to bed etc. and I wouldn't ever label something as a 'boys' or 'girls' activity.

If you don't expect or promote the stereotypes then they'll be less strong, even with outside influences although this doesn't stop personality shining through!

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