I can't cope with my baby

(87 Posts)
Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:24:51

Name changed for this. I have a 3 week old and I can't cope with him.
He's spent the last few days cluster feeding and I can't do anything or go anywhere. I can barely find time for myself to go to the toilet. On a night when I put him down he whinges and it then turns into full on screams until I feed him again even if he delatched himself and showed no more interest in feeding.
My partners gone to work on barely any sleep and I'm functioning on no sleep. He's feeding yet again, he's been feeding constantly. He screams when I change his nappy and he cries when I change his clothes. I just want to put him down and run away.
It got to the point earlier where when he was crying I shouted at him to shut up. Sometimes I leave him to cry because I'm scared I'm going to hurt him if I go to pick him up because I get angry. I know that's awful, getting angry with a tiny baby. I know it's not his fault and I feel like such a shit mum sad
I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so down and I dread the night times with him. I seriously cannot cope anymore.

I might get flamed for this, but would you consider formula feeding? The volume of milk drunk is usually greater (though BM cntains everything they need I understand they only ever take up to 3oz at any feed at any age).

FFing would also ease the strain on your body, and can be done by anyone if you need your mum to take the LOso you can get some rest?

Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:29:45

I don't want to formula feed, I feel like a failure if I do that.
It takes us so fucking long to get ready to go out anywhere as it is that I can't imagine adding getting bottles ready into the mix anyway

It is true that it can be faffy, admittedly, though cartons are very simple. However I understand totally that you want to persist with BF.

People who FF arent failures though

Sandiacre Fri 14-Feb-14 09:32:13

It does sound like you could be tipping in to PND territory, do not feel ashamed. I felt just like this and had a total bugger of a baby. I could have written your post. I had help from the health visitor and also my GP. For immediate advice call these people apni.org/Need-Help-Now.html

They are the association for post natal illness, they will not judge you at all. I had the wanting to run away feeling as well.

I wish I could come and give you a big hug and put the kettle on.

To reassure you my baby is almost 13 and much taller than me.and me feeling so negatively about him at the start has had no effect on him at all and we are very close.

Xxx

HumphreyCobbler Fri 14-Feb-14 09:32:22

Oh lost, you sound so stressed. I am so sorry things are feeling like this. It is incredibly hard, you are not a shit mum. We all feel like this sometimes. Screaming when changing nappies and clothes I too found incredibly stressful even though this baby is my third.

Have you got a sling? I found that my v high needs baby would go to sleep for longer periods of time when cuddled up against my chest and I could actually use my arms and go to the loo without provoking another screaming fit.

Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:32:44

I didn't mean that people who FF are failures. I meant that I want to BF my baby and I feel if I can't do that then I've failed sad

HumphreyCobbler Fri 14-Feb-14 09:34:47

I felt like that too Lost, it is in no way a reflection on ff, just a reflection on where we have set the bar for ourselves.

HettySunshine Fri 14-Feb-14 09:34:58

Oh Lost, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. You are not alone in feeling that it's all just too much to deal with. Please please believe me that it does get easier. My lg is 5 months old and we have a great time together.

There is a book by amazing baby called the black and white book which new babies love as they can see the pictures well. I used to have it open next to the changing mat so she could stare at it whilst changing which made it a bit easier.

During the day make sure when you come down in the morning that you have everything you need in reach - a drink, cake, charged phone and tv remote and that you are comfy and try and go with the excessive feeding. When you need the loo take your lo with you and put them on a blanket or rug on the bathroom floor - it's okay if they cry.

If you are feeling really down talk to your hv (if you like them) or your go. The way you are feeling is completely normal and really common. It's so hard when dp/dh goes back to work and you are all alone. Do you have any family close by that can come over in the day for a few hours so you can have a bath and give you some company?

Try not to panic you are not a bad mother and as I said before it really does get easier. X

Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:36:10

DP's mum has been here the last few days but she can't do anything or take the baby because he's been attached to me feeding constantly sad

ditsygal Fri 14-Feb-14 09:37:27

I have to say I bf for 4 weeks, then expressed for another 2 but in the end gave up and ff, and was a much happier mummy for it. If I have another I will mix feed from early on to give me the break I needed when my LO fed constantly. I really struggled in the early days and actually didn't find the bottles to be hard work at all compared to breast feeding.
Saying that I know lots of people who carried on bf through the hard weeks to start and all I can say is it gets easier I think the general consensus is that it starts to get easier around 6 weeks. But just remember this is for the shortest of times although I know it feels like forever at the time. He won't still be feeding constantly at 4 months. They really do change so quickly.

Have you tried a dummy? I tried to avoid them but in the end gave up and tried one. It didn't actually work for my baby - he wasn't interested. But again I know plenty of others for who the dummy was a life saver.
Do what you need to to get through these times. Co-sleep if it helps - he can feed while you sleep!
Look after yourself and know this will pass. Also - I am impressed you are already leaving the house at 3 weeks - I pretty much stayed in until 8 weeks or so as it was just easier! sounds like you are doing fab, don't be hard on yourself.

LurkingNineToFive Fri 14-Feb-14 09:38:44

Lack of sleep can make you feel like you've lost your mind. I know it's easy to say but try to sleep. Don't do anything (cleaning, dishes visitors etc) other than feed and sleep. If people want to come over make sure they bring food and make you tea. Drink lots and lots of water and snack as much as you can.
It gets better!

Mumof3xx Fri 14-Feb-14 09:39:06

Bless you op

This must be really hard

Have you spoken to midwife/hv (can't remember when they hand over lol)

I only ever ff my dc so I have no first hand experience

But many people combine the two?

TheBakeryQueen Fri 14-Feb-14 09:39:07

Is he putting on weight, lots of poos & wees? Because first I would make sure that he is feeding properly and rule out issues such as tongue tie etc.

You're not a bad mum, you're a good mum who is sleep deprived & listening to a baby crying for long periods is soul destroying. You are doing the best thing if you feel angry by putting him down to give yourself a breather.

Do you have much help/support?

Could you ring your GP or health visitor today & explain the situation, it might be PND, it might just be sleep deprivation, either way, by seeking help you are being a good mum.

The baby may have reflux, ear infection or could just be a high needs baby. Crying is his only way of telling you he wants you. As exhausting as it is just keep thinking of this.

What have you tried to get him to settle? So we can help with suggestions that you may not have already tried.

Dummy is a brilliant suggestion. Some babies just need to suckle. Also, it is linked to being a prevebtative method against SIDS.

Swaddling also worked a treat woth DD.

HettySunshine Fri 14-Feb-14 09:40:11

Would you consider a dummy? I know it's not what everyone wants to do and I was determined not to use one but it was a lifesaver! It might be that your wee boy is sucking for comfort and a dummy might mean that your mil can hold him for a while.

soupmaker Fri 14-Feb-14 09:40:19

Hello Lost. Is DS your first?

Having a baby is completely overwhelming for both body and mind. At only 3 weeks old it's completely normal for baby to want to feed a lot. You just need to park yourself on the sofa with food, drink, mobile and tv remote and give in to it.

Attempting to do anything more than maybe a short walk out can be like organising a military campaign. And exhausting.

Don't be too hard on yourself, this is really hard work, but it does pass. You need to find strategies to make life easy.

Can you pop your DS in a sling to get out or just to comfort him around the house? If you can pop him in a sling and grab your changing bag you'll be good to go.

Give up on housework and sleep when he sleeps if you can, or at least just lie down.

Get takeaway in, or get your DP to being in easy dinners from work, which he then cooks.

Have you tried swaddling? A dummy?

Hang in there, and ask for help from family, friends, HV.

HettySunshine Fri 14-Feb-14 09:40:57

Sorry, cross post!

NickyEds Fri 14-Feb-14 09:41:42

I really feel for you- I felt terrible for the first 3 weeks. I remember thinking "have we made a mistake"- and I felt totally out of my depth. DS is now 8 weeks- it gets easier I promise. This too shall pass.
You're doing the right thing by walking away when you feel you're losing it. If baby is somewhere safe no real harm will come to him for being left to cry for a while.
You need to speak to your HV (or MW if you haven't been discharged yet). Ring them now. Not later.Now.
Have you had your baby checked for Tongue Tie? People do say that the feeding is constant but it really just feels that way- When it is constant and DS isn't satisfied it can show a feeding problem. My DS fed and fed but still lost weight until his Tt was sorted.- worth looking into.

Lj8893 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:42:36

Most babies calm right down when being pushed in their pram, could your husband or mil take him out for a walk for a couple of hours, just so you can get some sleep?

Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:42:43

I tried a dummy last week but the next day he wouldn't latch at all and I was sure the dummy confused him so I'm scared to give him another one.
He's putting on lots of weight and having lots of wet and dirty nappies. The midwife checked my latch and said it was fine so I think he's just a hungry baby.
I wind him after every feed and I co sleep with him but I can't get the hang of latching on lying down for some reason. I cuddle him when he cries and that normally settles him but sometimes takes a while

PandaFeet Fri 14-Feb-14 09:42:54

Ok. First off, breastfeeding really isn't the be all and end all. You seem to be adding pressure on to yourself that you really don't need when you are already exhausted.

But, you want to continue with it, so I also suggest a sling. I spent the first 5 months of DD2s life sitting on the sofa with her sitting on me, because my back couldn't cope with a sling.

Can anyone pop round for a few hours a day to give you some time to yourself for a shower or some lunch? Please don't feel you can't ask for help, I am sure people would love to come hold the baby.

When babies are so tiny, we lose focus a bit. Tiredness drowns us and it seems to last forever. I have a 5 year old now and I realise I was silly to feel so guilty over not being able to breastfeed, and thinking the crying was forever. It will pass.

BuggerGrips Fri 14-Feb-14 09:43:53

I guarantee you that 95% of new mums feel exactly like you do. I know I did. I wondered what hell I had done and dreaded being on my own with baby. I also shouted at him to shut up, something I feel terrible about, but he doesn't remember. I know it doesn't feel like it but it does get easier. We introduced one bottle of formula at around 6 weeks which Dh would do at about 10pm, this was a turning point, it meant I could get to bed earlier and have a really decent stretch of sleep before the next feed. As long as we stuck to the bottle at the same time my milk adjusted. Also ask for help from family if you have any nearby. I was very lucky that on a few occasions after a bad night MIL came round after DH had gone to work and kept an eye on DS whilst I went back to bed for a bit.

It's still such early days. I promise you that it will get easier. Just take it day by day and don't worry if you're still in your PJs in the afternoon or the hoovering hasn't been done. Just concentrate on baby and you.

soupmaker Fri 14-Feb-14 09:45:13

Lost, it's definitely worth getting your DS checked for a tongue tie and get advice about how to feed lying down. Once you've both got the hang of it it's a lifesaver.

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