crazy to consider it??? Another child after 7 year gap?

(35 Posts)
Sa88yt1ts Mon 20-Jan-14 15:02:20

My dc are 9 and very nearly 7. They are the best thing in the world. I adore them, I love being their mum, I love sharing their lives with my very treasured dh......but I kind of want another.

Real head and heart time. We always wanted 3 and then it didn't happen. I had a partial prolapse following second birth (didn't need opearting, but was very uncomfortable and very challenging emotionally), our marriage felt scarily frail for a while (first and last time that's ever happened) and we were just beyond knackered. So it never happened. And I have spent the last 3 or 4 years saying 'you know what, I wish we had had 3 but not now, no going back, sleepless nights - no thanks)

Then, suddenly, I'm going 'but I still wish I had and maybe this is my last chance to actually do it - I'm 38 now.

We have the room, we could find the money, we have none of the stuff left, but I'm not worried about that. What I am bothered about is that I'll still be saying 'I wish we had' in five years time when it's too late.

I would never deliberately have chosen an 8 year gap between kids, but there are worse things than that, aren't there? I don't want a set of two and a singleton though. The two older ones are brill together, absolutely best friends - but they would both REVEL in another sibling.

But, life would have to go on hold for a while, wouldn't it? No more cinema trips, no swimming, no jumping in the car for an adventure...

But still a little hole where a third child could sit in my heart.

Is it too late?

Sa88yt1ts Sat 25-Jan-14 09:30:23

I can see that that would be a bit of a strain jc...and I have to admit, the fog of nursery fees / general toddler skintness is not that appealing. I really like the fact that we have a bit of cash spare again.

Re schooling- who am I to judge?? We all do what is right for us. Xx

JugglingChaotically Sat 25-Jan-14 08:24:17

We have 7 year gap between DD2 and DD3. We all love her to bits. As others have said, We are all much more relaxed and DD3 is a very happy, smily girl. The gap is shorter is some ways as she SO wants to be her sisters. So does everything much earlier than I had expected and is very independent.
Older DDs friends even want to help at her parties too grin
DD3 hasn't stopped the others doing anything - just fits in and enjoys!
I could not begin to say how much joy and laughter she has added to our family.
Only one caveat. We had all children late and so working till DD3 through school fees (don't slate me, doing it for older 2, too late to stop as into gcses etc and can't differentiate!) university now feels like a long time ahead and DH and I both feeling the strain.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Sat 25-Jan-14 07:36:11

Awww, that's a lovely way of looking at it.

I had totally made my peace with only having two. We call DS2 "the bonus ball"! smile

Sa88yt1ts Fri 24-Jan-14 20:32:34

Admittedly, Matana, that is on my 'do it' list!!!x

matana Fri 24-Jan-14 19:58:56

Plus your 2 are old enough to help you out - bonus! Babysitters on tap in a few years too! It'd be daft not to when you look at it that way.

matana Fri 24-Jan-14 19:56:09

There are 3 years between my sisters, then I arrived 7 years later! Worked ok for all of us and my parents felt they got to properly enjoy all of us. Not too late at all, plenty of people do it!

Sa88yt1ts Thu 23-Jan-14 22:46:00

Dd, not ds! That'd just be weird!!!

Sa88yt1ts Thu 23-Jan-14 22:45:27

Thanks guys. When we were struggling to conceive ds a very dear friend told me that I wasn't falling because the RIGHT baby wasn't ready yet. At the time that gave me a lot of comfort and it turns out she was right. If I'd got pregnant quicker I wouldn't have my beautiful, kind, sensitive boy.

Equally, when my ds followed in week six of trying, she was meant to join our family. She was the one who would perfectly balance our timid little man by having enough balls for all of us.

I guess I am saying that, if I am meant to have another baby I will have another baby....and my guess right now is that I won't....but if I do, that will be right.

I am new to MN and I am loving it. What a lot of very wonderful people there are here. Xxx

Fuzzymum1 Thu 23-Jan-14 22:30:28

My older boys were 9 and 13 when DS3 was born. It's been brilliant - it had all the novelty of being like a firstborn but with the experience of having done it all before. DS1 and 3 are very close and DS3 really misses his big brother now he's gone to uni. Given my time again I wouldn't change a thing.

princesspants Wed 22-Jan-14 21:31:50

I had a boy and a girl 2.5 yrs apart and was knackered!
Even though when my DS1 was born I decided 3 was the magic number, once I had DD I thought no way, im done - physically and mentally done!
Imagine my surprise when I found out I was PG with DC3 when DC2 was only turning 2. It was going to be the same age gap again - faint!

I cried for the first 5 months of PG. It was going to ruin my DS & DD's close relationship. I was going to be a horrible knackered mum and that's all they will remember. We will NEVER do anything as a family for YEARS.

Along came DS2 and I had it all wrong. My DS1 (now 6) and DD (now 4) have so much fun with their little brother (now 17 months).
They spoil him rotten and he is such a funny little character because he has older siblings.
You should see my 6 yr old DS with him, makes my heart melt daily. They bring such a lovely dynamic to the family when there are older siblings around. They find everything he does hilarious and he adores them.

Ok, we don't get to go on bike rides or spontaneous trips to the cinema but he brings so much more than that and we still have fun as a family. We have just got to tweak it a bit to suit. We will get there one day but im in no rush. Wish I had had easier PG and births as id now have a forth (can't believe I feel like that) but too risky for me.

Eletheomel Tue 21-Jan-14 21:10:09

I'm the youngest of five and there are 7 years between me and my youngest elder sister (the first 4 all appeared within 5 years!). I was by far the youngest in my family but I have great relationships with all my siblings as adults (and as children to be honest, I was so young to them (12 years younger than my brother) that I wasn't any kind of rival and so I'm the only one of my siblings that get on with everyone.

Yes, I was aware of being a burden on my sisters at times when they'd have to babysit me and take me along with them (big sis was 15, I was 8 - she didn't want me there!) but overall I had a great relationship with them then and still do now that we're all adults.

The age gap is irrelevant, it's all about if you want another child and only you (and your bloke) can answer that. Given your age though I wouldn't dwell on it too much, I'd try to reach a decision pretty soon... :-)

JewelFairies Tue 21-Jan-14 21:02:05

I have siblings 8 years older and eight years younger than me. The benefits for me and my younger brother were that we were pretty much only children in terms of the attention our mother could give us, but also had the benefit of older siblings. Now as adults we are incredibly close.

7 years is a perfect gap as far as I am concerned grin

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 21-Jan-14 20:52:43

I definitely liked being the youngest and having older siblings.

I had a 9 and 8 year gap respectively with my sisters and I didn't have to worry about sharing toys because they were too old for that kind of thing. I had someone to confide in who wasn't completely a grown up or not in the same way I perceived.

I will have a smaller age gap between DC1 and DC2 but if I have a third, will probably leave a bigger gap.

I'm 23 and ideally would go like this if we have 3DC.

Have DC1 at age 23.
Have DC2 at age 25.
Have DC3 at age 30.

This is only an ideal though sad

FrauMoose Tue 21-Jan-14 17:47:20

This is the gap between my stepchildren and my daughter. My stepkids adored their baby sister and are still very fond of her. (It maybe that going back to their mother's was a sort of absence making the heart grow fonder.) On the other hand even if they'd lived with us full-time, just being at school, with their friends etc would mean their lives weren't totally dominated by a new arrival...

My number five was an accident. At the time the older four were 16,14,10 and 8. They adored dd from the minute she arrived and dd thrived having so many at her beck and call.
She's nearly 11 now and she has them all wrapped around her little finger. In many ways she is like an only child in that she has been lavished with attention and the gap meant she never had to share but she has a confidence from having brothers and sisters she can play and argue with and tease mercilessly.

helzapoppin2 Tue 21-Jan-14 17:33:17

Not too late at all!

Sa88yt1ts Tue 21-Jan-14 17:28:13

Indeed. I walked behind my lovelies on the way home from school today; heads together, catching up, laughing I thought "I don't need more".....

On the other hand, why not add to the joy they bring!!!

Veering towards the negative now though.

Thanks for your comments. Xx

Gladvent Tue 21-Jan-14 13:30:27

Just popped back to report on next door's baby. She doesn't normally cry much but last night she woke me up 4 times. I expect she is teething. I have tons of sympathy and don't mind the noise at all. Just thank heavens that I have passed that stage.

Also - my DC can open the doors, get in and strap themselves into their car seats. That is a lovely stage in family life, just walking out of the house and getting in the car, without it being hard work!

glammanana Tue 21-Jan-14 08:38:21

I had my son when his brother and sister where 11 & 7 he came as a total shock to both DH & I we had just moved house and upped our mortgage so a double shock but we have enjoyed every minute of it, I found I had more patience with him and the others spoilt him in every way it was a total joy to have him,he is 32 now and still spoilt by his brother & sister grin

Sa88yt1ts Tue 21-Jan-14 07:24:29

I am starting to get a bit lazy though....and can understand Gladvent's point very well. We were the last of our generation to brood and, at family parties, I well remember feeling jealous that while I was chasing the toddler they were sitting back getting pissed!!! Used to really depress me.

My nephew is coming to stay in a couple of weeks- age nearly 2. Maybe that will help with the decision one way or the other.

Dh keeps looking at me sympathetically and would go with me on this if I pushed, I know. He's a brilliant dad and should have had millions. i am / was less impressive.... Perhaps he is right when he says I just need a nee project- he thinks i should go back to work full time!!! Literally, ROFLMAO! Never!!!

emmyloo2 Tue 21-Jan-14 06:55:49

I am laughing at Gladvent's post and this is what I need to remember every time I think of a third baby. I, however, still have my own baby that I do have to tend to (I have a DS 3.2 and DD 8 months) but when there are older, I really don't want another baby to have to deal with.

Plus I CANNOT wait to have the spontaneity that you now enjoy. We started to have that with my son but now with a baby who sleeps 2 x 2 hour sleeps a day, we can't do anything as a family. I am grinning and bearing it because I know it won't be for that much longer, but it really is the thing that puts me off having a third. I don't want to then start all over again.

That said, I never really wanted three. You sound like you really want a third baby. You may regret it. I, however, know deep down that I have to stop at two and that a third would not be the right decision for us. Go with your gut on this one.

MissRatty Tue 21-Jan-14 05:49:01

There's a nine year gap between my sister and I and I can honestly say I prefer it that way. When she came along I was so happy, was able to help with little things, and I feel very protective of her and we're very close. No sibling rivalry as the age gap is too wide, and now we're older we're like peas in a pod.

MissMilbanke Mon 20-Jan-14 22:56:13

Yes 17 years is a bit of a shocker but its a 2nd marriage... So I can kind of see why...

Having 3 has definitely curbed any broodiness I may have felt for a fourth ... No way !!!!!!

StickChildrenTwo Mon 20-Jan-14 19:14:39

Gladvent, I love your post!!! This is just starting to be me. DS1 is 6, DS2 is 2, it's been bloody hard work having a baby again and I am loving the fact that things are starting to ease up a bit . No way I could do this again. Absolutely no way.

Having said that OP, you sound really like you may regret not having another. It's a tough one but you have to kind of follow your gut instinct on this one. It wouldn't be for me but it may well be what completes your family. Sorry that was no help at all!! Good luck.

Maverick66 Mon 20-Jan-14 18:46:04

Sa88yt1ts no my other two haven't flown nest yet although one has been to uni for three years . When dd1 was at uni dd2 and ds bonded more so much so that dd1 felt out of loop to some extent but that soon righted itself when dd1 settled back into to home life after uni. Her boyfriend and ds now get on like a house on fire and he treats him like a kid brother. However they all pretty much do their own thing and ds has a gr8 bunch of friends his own age. There are drawbacks I suppose when children were small all deals ie holidays, theme parks etc were for 2 adults and two children.However on plus side I never needed a babysitter lol. Seriously though it just worked for us. I know it might not work for everyone but one of the things that made my mind up to have a third was something an old teacher of mine said to me once when I bumped into her when I only had two - she had 4 and they were all flown the nest and she said her greatest regret in life was not having more kids which made me think. I always felt incomplete when I had two children. All my own siblings had three or more dc and I felt inadequate by having 2 I felt selfish.
However, as I say, it's not for everyone and I do worry how I will cope when he is going out and drinking, going to uni and getting into whatever mischief young men get into. Whilst it has been a positive experience for me to date, perhaps,in 5 years time when I'm 52 and sitting up at night wondering why " my baby" hasn't come home at 2 or 3 in the morning I may well feel very different smile

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