crazy to consider it??? Another child after 7 year gap?(35 Posts)
My dc are 9 and very nearly 7. They are the best thing in the world. I adore them, I love being their mum, I love sharing their lives with my very treasured dh......but I kind of want another.
Real head and heart time. We always wanted 3 and then it didn't happen. I had a partial prolapse following second birth (didn't need opearting, but was very uncomfortable and very challenging emotionally), our marriage felt scarily frail for a while (first and last time that's ever happened) and we were just beyond knackered. So it never happened. And I have spent the last 3 or 4 years saying 'you know what, I wish we had had 3 but not now, no going back, sleepless nights - no thanks)
Then, suddenly, I'm going 'but I still wish I had and maybe this is my last chance to actually do it - I'm 38 now.
We have the room, we could find the money, we have none of the stuff left, but I'm not worried about that. What I am bothered about is that I'll still be saying 'I wish we had' in five years time when it's too late.
I would never deliberately have chosen an 8 year gap between kids, but there are worse things than that, aren't there? I don't want a set of two and a singleton though. The two older ones are brill together, absolutely best friends - but they would both REVEL in another sibling.
But, life would have to go on hold for a while, wouldn't it? No more cinema trips, no swimming, no jumping in the car for an adventure...
But still a little hole where a third child could sit in my heart.
Is it too late?
It's definitely not too late! Given your circumstances and what you've said I think you should go for it. Your older children will almost certainly adore their younger sibling. It would of course mean some changes would be necessary but maybe not as many as you might imagine.
Your situation sounds very similar to me. We have just had number 3 and have a 7 1/2 yr old and almost 10 yr old. Didn't plan such a big gap and then had a 'now or never' moment. Big kids adore their baby brother and are super helpful but I seriously forgot/underestimated how demanding a baby is! I'm realising that pool holidays, bike rides, cinema, weekends away with dh are out of the question for quite some time! Have found it rather difficult to get my head round that having been quite independent/spontaneous for a while now. That said, I think you always regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do, I certainly don't regret my dc3
I have a 7.5 yr gap between ds's. Both were a surprise we had ttc when ds1 was 2 bit nothing happened. Then ds2 happened when we were actively taking precautions!
I could never have coped with two close together. I like the age gap I have. I'm 37 now.. I'd start to think about dc3 if I had a do still!! So no your not to old. Enjoy it now while you can
I have same gap as you potentially have - mainly due to my dithering over whether or not we wanted another baby. Anyhow we did he is 14 now and the apple of his 21 and 24 year old sisters eyes. He truly has been such fun to rear. He was a text book baby and is just so funny and easy going. Plus I really enjoyed my time with him. When I had my daughters ,life was hectic ,and busy so I didn't get to enjoy them in the same way. My only regret is I didn't have a fourth but it's not a big issue. There are times when I think if I hadn't had him I would be foot loose and fancy free now and not yet 50! But overall I'm glad we have him he has brought us so much joy.
Maverick, have your older two flown the nest yet? If so, how does the youngest one cope with now being a singleton??
I have to admit, I love the idea of having a whole new pregnancy and maternity leave- i didn't really relish the second one, mainly because it was freakishly tiring with a toddler, but also because I always thought i'd have another, so didn't pay too much attention to the last pregnancy thing.
However, I also look forward to early retirement and jetting off to Oz for six months when they've both gone off to uni or whatever, and not entirely excite by the idea of postponing that for another 7 years.
And then there's that nagging 'you have two healthy babies, why risk a problematic older pregnancy/ potential issues with poorly baby etc etc
Thanks so much for your feedback- i am more than happy to hear some negatives as well. My husband, at first proper mention of my broodiness, suggested i should get a hamster instead!!!
This happened to me too, with the same gap you describe,
All the positives mentioned already, it's much easier now he is 8 but I do feel my older two missed out a little in their pre teens. Yes they had a baby brother and all the cuteness that goes with that - but spontenaity went out of the window for a couple of years or more. Help with homework was so much harder etc
Dh planned on retiring by the time he was 50 but as we have school fees to pay for the next 10 years he' s had to do a rethink.
7 year gap sounds like a lot but really it's not so much.
One of dd s friends mum has just had a baby after 17 years - now that's what I consider a shock to the system !
My ds2 is 4 months, DD is 10 and ds1 is 7. It's truly wonderful. Go for it!
My DC are 7 and 9. I love babies but no way could I have another of my own... I can hear next doors baby wailing as I type this. DC1 is at cubs, DC2 is next to me reading a magazine. If that was MY baby crying I would have to get up and look after her. But as it is I am comfy and content and someone else will tend the baby.
Sa88yt1ts no my other two haven't flown nest yet although one has been to uni for three years . When dd1 was at uni dd2 and ds bonded more so much so that dd1 felt out of loop to some extent but that soon righted itself when dd1 settled back into to home life after uni. Her boyfriend and ds now get on like a house on fire and he treats him like a kid brother. However they all pretty much do their own thing and ds has a gr8 bunch of friends his own age. There are drawbacks I suppose when children were small all deals ie holidays, theme parks etc were for 2 adults and two children.However on plus side I never needed a babysitter lol. Seriously though it just worked for us. I know it might not work for everyone but one of the things that made my mind up to have a third was something an old teacher of mine said to me once when I bumped into her when I only had two - she had 4 and they were all flown the nest and she said her greatest regret in life was not having more kids which made me think. I always felt incomplete when I had two children. All my own siblings had three or more dc and I felt inadequate by having 2 I felt selfish.
However, as I say, it's not for everyone and I do worry how I will cope when he is going out and drinking, going to uni and getting into whatever mischief young men get into. Whilst it has been a positive experience for me to date, perhaps,in 5 years time when I'm 52 and sitting up at night wondering why " my baby" hasn't come home at 2 or 3 in the morning I may well feel very different
Gladvent, I love your post!!! This is just starting to be me. DS1 is 6, DS2 is 2, it's been bloody hard work having a baby again and I am loving the fact that things are starting to ease up a bit . No way I could do this again. Absolutely no way.
Having said that OP, you sound really like you may regret not having another. It's a tough one but you have to kind of follow your gut instinct on this one. It wouldn't be for me but it may well be what completes your family. Sorry that was no help at all!! Good luck.
Yes 17 years is a bit of a shocker but its a 2nd marriage... So I can kind of see why...
Having 3 has definitely curbed any broodiness I may have felt for a fourth ... No way !!!!!!
There's a nine year gap between my sister and I and I can honestly say I prefer it that way. When she came along I was so happy, was able to help with little things, and I feel very protective of her and we're very close. No sibling rivalry as the age gap is too wide, and now we're older we're like peas in a pod.
I am laughing at Gladvent's post and this is what I need to remember every time I think of a third baby. I, however, still have my own baby that I do have to tend to (I have a DS 3.2 and DD 8 months) but when there are older, I really don't want another baby to have to deal with.
Plus I CANNOT wait to have the spontaneity that you now enjoy. We started to have that with my son but now with a baby who sleeps 2 x 2 hour sleeps a day, we can't do anything as a family. I am grinning and bearing it because I know it won't be for that much longer, but it really is the thing that puts me off having a third. I don't want to then start all over again.
That said, I never really wanted three. You sound like you really want a third baby. You may regret it. I, however, know deep down that I have to stop at two and that a third would not be the right decision for us. Go with your gut on this one.
I am starting to get a bit lazy though....and can understand Gladvent's point very well. We were the last of our generation to brood and, at family parties, I well remember feeling jealous that while I was chasing the toddler they were sitting back getting pissed!!! Used to really depress me.
My nephew is coming to stay in a couple of weeks- age nearly 2. Maybe that will help with the decision one way or the other.
Dh keeps looking at me sympathetically and would go with me on this if I pushed, I know. He's a brilliant dad and should have had millions. i am / was less impressive.... Perhaps he is right when he says I just need a nee project- he thinks i should go back to work full time!!! Literally, ROFLMAO! Never!!!
I had my son when his brother and sister where 11 & 7 he came as a total shock to both DH & I we had just moved house and upped our mortgage so a double shock but we have enjoyed every minute of it, I found I had more patience with him and the others spoilt him in every way it was a total joy to have him,he is 32 now and still spoilt by his brother & sister
Just popped back to report on next door's baby. She doesn't normally cry much but last night she woke me up 4 times. I expect she is teething. I have tons of sympathy and don't mind the noise at all. Just thank heavens that I have passed that stage.
Also - my DC can open the doors, get in and strap themselves into their car seats. That is a lovely stage in family life, just walking out of the house and getting in the car, without it being hard work!
Indeed. I walked behind my lovelies on the way home from school today; heads together, catching up, laughing I thought "I don't need more".....
On the other hand, why not add to the joy they bring!!!
Veering towards the negative now though.
Thanks for your comments. Xx
My number five was an accident. At the time the older four were 16,14,10 and 8. They adored dd from the minute she arrived and dd thrived having so many at her beck and call.
She's nearly 11 now and she has them all wrapped around her little finger. In many ways she is like an only child in that she has been lavished with attention and the gap meant she never had to share but she has a confidence from having brothers and sisters she can play and argue with and tease mercilessly.
This is the gap between my stepchildren and my daughter. My stepkids adored their baby sister and are still very fond of her. (It maybe that going back to their mother's was a sort of absence making the heart grow fonder.) On the other hand even if they'd lived with us full-time, just being at school, with their friends etc would mean their lives weren't totally dominated by a new arrival...
I definitely liked being the youngest and having older siblings.
I had a 9 and 8 year gap respectively with my sisters and I didn't have to worry about sharing toys because they were too old for that kind of thing. I had someone to confide in who wasn't completely a grown up or not in the same way I perceived.
I will have a smaller age gap between DC1 and DC2 but if I have a third, will probably leave a bigger gap.
I'm 23 and ideally would go like this if we have 3DC.
Have DC1 at age 23.
Have DC2 at age 25.
Have DC3 at age 30.
This is only an ideal though
I have siblings 8 years older and eight years younger than me. The benefits for me and my younger brother were that we were pretty much only children in terms of the attention our mother could give us, but also had the benefit of older siblings. Now as adults we are incredibly close.
7 years is a perfect gap as far as I am concerned
I'm the youngest of five and there are 7 years between me and my youngest elder sister (the first 4 all appeared within 5 years!). I was by far the youngest in my family but I have great relationships with all my siblings as adults (and as children to be honest, I was so young to them (12 years younger than my brother) that I wasn't any kind of rival and so I'm the only one of my siblings that get on with everyone.
Yes, I was aware of being a burden on my sisters at times when they'd have to babysit me and take me along with them (big sis was 15, I was 8 - she didn't want me there!) but overall I had a great relationship with them then and still do now that we're all adults.
The age gap is irrelevant, it's all about if you want another child and only you (and your bloke) can answer that. Given your age though I wouldn't dwell on it too much, I'd try to reach a decision pretty soon... :-)
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