Progression thread - DP doesn't want a 2nd child and I do

[octanegirl]

I posted a week or two ago - I found out I had a very low ovarian reserve and wasn't sure I was ready for a 2nd as DS is only 9 months.

Ready or not, I very badly want a 2nd child and don't want to miss my chance. I know there are no guarantees I'd even get pregnant but I want to at least try.
However DP is adamant he doesn't want another. He rolls out practical/financial reasons (that I shoot down as they are daft) but then just says its an emotion and he can't explain it. He's a serial commitment-phobe in just about every aspect of his life, he only just bought his first property at the age of 35 as having a mortgage was too much of a tie...

I don't know what to do. He says he hates pressure and that I need to back off. He said he'd give me an answer in January.

I'd be devastated to not have a 2nd child. I come from a big family and so does DP, and he loves his family.

I've laid out the biological facts and he understands all that.

I do not know what to do or say or try to change his mind.
And if he wont change his mind, what do I do? The sorrow would be overwhelming.
Why does he get to decide my future and that of DS? It doesn't seem fair.

[MummyLuce]

Hmmm. You know in your situation I'd be very likely to accidentally on purpose forget my pill and wear new underwear mid cycle, but then I know many people wouldn't go down this road. You are right though. It's absolutely not fair. Although you might get a positive response in January xxx sorry haven't helped much, but I can totally understand the frustration!

[octanegirl]

We are using condoms. So unless I get him totally plastered he definitely won't forget to put one on!

[Eletheomel]

Had you had any discussion before you had your first boy about family and how many (if any) kids you wanted to have? Has he previously wanted more kids but changed his mind since having one?

At the end of the day you have to decide what's most important to you, having a second child (potentially with someone else although with time being so short you don't want to start every date thinking could we have a child now!) or staying in a relationship with your partner and raising your child together.

It's a crap choice, but I think it's one you need to give thought to, if the clock is ticking.

Personally, I think if you really want a second child and he really doesn't your relationship is doomed, as if you don't have another child you'll resent him more and more as the days go by and if you sneak off and have a child without his knowledge/agreement, he'll be the same with you.

Your only hope is to try to convey to him how all important this is to you and focus on the wonders of your current baby and how you want them to have a sibling and it not being fair for them being an only child (having xmas alone maybe, if you two die etc) and see whether viewing it from that perspective helps move his perspective.

I have two sisters who were 'delayed' by their partners who didnt' want pressured or wanted time to think and in both cases they never got their child as it was too late (they were too old by the time their partner decided a) they no longer wanted children (after saying they did for years) or b) were willing to try for a second but my sister was too old and she ended up with 5 consecutive miscarriages before conceding it was never going to happen).

I'd be loathe to 'wait until january' as what will happen then? If you have issues to discuss you can't put them off, you need to discuss them now and he needs to appreciate this, and if he doesn't maybe he's not as committed to you as you'd like to think.

[MummyLuce]

Why is your OH so opposed to a dc2?? I can understand not being bothered either way (fine if dc2 happens, fine if it doesnt) but im not sure i get the really strong opposition. After all, you have one already and another really doesn't make an awful lot of difference to your general lifestyle. You'll still be doing all the same things at weekends and on holidays etc.

[octanegirl]

Exactly Mummyuce. I don't really get it either. He just says it's a feeling. Aside from the well versed "too expensive" argument.
Thanks Ele. I am trying to show him how I feel without issuing an ultimatum, but at the end of the day I want two children in my life, whether that's with him or with someone else who wants the same thing. I slightly see it that if he doesn't want another child, means he doesn't really want a future with me. He denies this but it still nags at me.

[LalyRawr]

I can understand the opposition. I have 1DD, I do not want another. Yes there is the finicial side etc, but I just don't want another child.

I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to do the whole newborn thing, I don't want to start with sleepless nights again, I don't want more nappies, I don't want another child. Full stop.

My Oh does. He knows that if he wants another child he is welcome to leave me and find another woman, because I am not doing it.

I would be bloody fuming if my OH somehow messed with my contraception and got me pregnant against my will.

He doesn't need to explain why in a way that is acceptable to you. He doesn't want a another child, he has told you this. It is now up to you what you do with this information. You accept it and realise you won't have another child. Or you leave him and find someone else to have a child with.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I am in the position of your husband and I would be fuming if my OH posted about this online and got suggestions of 'get her pregnant anyway' and 'her reasons for not wanting more are not good enough'.

[octanegirl]

I think it is different for men. They can change their mind at any time in the future and reproduce. Women can't and I especially can't.
Laly yes you do seem a bit harsh, but equally you, as the woman, has more right to say no to more children as you have the physical burden and the brunt of the work. Men have the easier part of the deal no matter how involved they are. My DP lives in London all week living it up while I stay here with DS. His quality of life will not be affected.
I have no intention of tricking him but equally I think he is being selfish and putting his wants ahead of mine and DS's.

[LalyRawr]

I'm sorry

I understand what you mean by it being different due to fertility and honestly, I had never thought about that before. I just kind of identified with your husband and vented, as like I say, I'm in the same position and have the same arguments with my OH. So I'm sorry, you caught the rant that should be directed towards my OH.

Unfortunately it is one of those horrible situations where there isn't a compromise. One of you will get what you want and the other one won't. I think it is just a case of which do you want more, or rather which would you resent less, not having another child or leaving your husband.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[specialsubject]

this is a horrible situation, but you don't have an accident and you don't talk him into it. Was it discussed earlier? Has he changed his mind from an earlier position?

the person who doesn't want another child gets the vote, because every child should be wanted by both parents.

so you are faced with an awful choice. I'm sorry.

[Cosmo89]

I know that times a ticking on this issue, but I would give him and yourself space for a little bit - as you've come to a bit of an impasse. I appreciate you're in a difficult situation but perhaps take it a bit gently for the next couple of months.

Myself and DP were together for 7 years - he always dropped massive hints that he never wanted children, I always knew id want them- before we talked seriously about it. In the end he made a massive compromise (ie gave in) and is so pleased now that we have DS (though he still points out what an easier life we'd be having if childless)..., if he'd have said an absolute no on it, I'm not sure I would have left him - I wanted a child with him, not a child with anyone...... Even if that would have meant I'd never have children. Just a different perspective on it.