Please help... am I neglecting my DD?

(28 Posts)
Katkins1 Sat 19-Oct-13 17:09:08

Hi

Please help. I know that this will sound stupid, but I'm worried that I'm neglecting my DD. She is 6 next month. I'm a ft student in my final year, and single Mum. Last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD because of my neglectful parents and serious sexual abuse in my childhood. I'm having counselling- which is helping loads. But I'm struggling, because there's always so much to do. I live in a council flat where everything is falling apart, needs redecorating etc. It really is a tip, no matter how much I tidy, cook, clean and iron I always feel a huge weight every time I come home. I have spent since 9amtoday tidying stripping beds, vacuuming, mopping floors, polishing and everything, but it's still a tip. My DD never listens to me when I say tidy up, gets everything out and has drawn on the furniture, which I made her clean. So much needs replacing and I just can't afford to, because I'm always overdrawn.

I still have laundry and ironing to do- there's always so much, and my DD needs her uniform doing. No doubt I will be up until 1am doing it. I feel as though I don't understand anything at uni, and that I'm just really, really stupid. There are other Mums on my course (joined this year) and I am always comparing myself to them thinking how much they love their kids more, and have lovey houses, even though I've never been. Most of them are married, and I feel like a failure because I couldn't keep my relationship together. No one even sits next to me in class because I am such a bitch.

My DD always has greasy hair, and no matter what I do, its always a mess. I bath her every day, wash it every other, but I just give up on it. She never looks well looked after, no matter how much I try. I struggle to even buy her shoes, and haven't even got her any winter clothes yet. I bought a coat and boots, but that's it. She's in ft childcare because my third year is so important, and that has been hard to afford. I had to do it because I nearly cracked up last year, it was too much juggling around and my flashbacks got really bad. I'm applying for some help from the uni fund, as soon as I get time to do the form. She doesn't do any after school clubs, or get invited to birthday parties. The mums from school had a night out, and didn't even bother to invite me. I just feel like such a failure. I can't do anything right for her.

everythinghippie29 Sat 19-Oct-13 17:38:21

Oh, I'm so crap with advice and someone wiser will be along shortly. Yiu sound like you are so hard on yourself but you are obviously working so hard for something that will ultimately make you daughter's life better!

Screw the unfriendly parents who didn't invite you out. You need to be kinder to yourself, putting pressure and comparing yourself to imaginary perfect parents around you isn't good for you.

Hope someone with good advice comes along thanks

comewinewithmoi Sat 19-Oct-13 17:45:19

You are being incredibly tough on yourself. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. Please be kind to yourself.

Fwiw, I am married mum. I am a sahm and my house is a tip most of the time. We can't afford anything for our house and are overdrawn all most of the month. My dds2 and dd3 quite often look like ragguffins and are super untidy.

I am in the process of organising a school night out and am still getting round to inviting everyone... It's a big job, I wouldn't leave anyone out on purpose...could this be the case?

comewinewithmoi Sat 19-Oct-13 17:46:20

I really admire you for going to Uni, hoping to do this myself.

QOD Sat 19-Oct-13 17:48:28

Get shot of her pens and stuff until she can behave and cot damage stuff. If you bath her everyday, her hair can't be greasy but does she have stringy long hair? That's a sod to make it look clean, get her hair cut much shorter

Is your house really that bad? Do a room at a time instead of spreading yourself out. Are there times you are home and studying and dd is there? Maybe invite on of her friends over, they do entertain each other. You often have to start these things then they get asked back

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 19-Oct-13 17:51:07

No, I don't think you're neglecting your DD. I think you are neglecting yourself though. Try and be kinder to yourself - you're doing an incredible job in tough circumstances.

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 17:52:24

Stop ironing - seriously!!!! Do your washing when you are going to be around to hang it up straight onto clothes hangers, perhaps on a lower spin - give it a good shake - ironing no longer required.

Get your dd involved in the cleaning - do it together.

Try washing her hair less, put it up or into plaits, every other day is a lot for young hair.

Katkins1 Sat 19-Oct-13 18:09:36

Thank you. comewine, glad to hear I'm not the only one! I think I might get left out because I never see them, my childminder does all of the picking up and dropping off. Plus, I don't drink, so I guess I'd be quite boring. QOD, her pens are locked away. She found one on my desk, I've told her now. No pens until she learns. She has curly hair, its quite hard to tame, but I put it up in nice hairbands and stuff. My flat is Ok, but we've been to friends houses, and I'm so ashamed of mine that I'd never invite anyone here. I do tidy up and everything, there's no mess. Its just the decorating and things that need doing. Randomess, I always seem to need to iron, I don't even know how that happens!

comewinewithmoi Sat 19-Oct-13 18:15:47

Your welcome ^katkins*

From what you've said, the school night out thing is because you're not there. Not drink did NOT equate boring. Can you send a note to the organiser?

comewinewithmoi Sat 19-Oct-13 18:16:38

I second cutting down not ironing. Life is too darn short.

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 18:21:48

You must have washing machine set to gentle spin and not over full. Also when you buy clothes avoid anything that will need ironing grin

MrsMargoLeadbetter Sat 19-Oct-13 18:54:28

I am exhausted reading your post....

You have so much on your plate. Sorry to hear of the PTSD and the cause of it.

Firstly try not to compare yourself/life to others. You really don't know what is going on with others.

I guess what I would say is that lots of cleaning at weekends means you aren't spending time with your DD.

Are you trying to "clean it better?" Which is something I do to our house that needs decorating.

Can you lower your standards (if they are high) and do a bit on Sat and Sun and then leave it to do something else with DD? At 6 a trip to the park will be welcomed etc.

Could you come up with a plan for decoration, even if it is after your course finishes? Can the Council help with repairs (sorry if that is ignorant, not sure how it works)?

Re the night out I am sure it was just an oversight. Could you get in touch with the organiser (via a note in bookbags if your CM will deliver it) and say you'd love to come next time and how can you get on the circulation list/email.

Finally, pls be kind to yourself. You are a single parent studying for you and your daughter's future. You obviously love her and are wanting to be a good parent which is a sign of a good parent iyswim.

Katkins1 Sat 19-Oct-13 19:35:07

Ah you see, Randommess its a new machine,I usually just chuck in , and carry on with whatever else I'm doing!. Margo, I want to move next year because I want to rent private. I don't like the area, but I need to be working to do it (better chance of that if I have a degree). We do usually go out on the weekends, and I do minimal clean or just when she's in bed, but the place had got such a mess that I had to do it. Most of it was her room, which I thought she would welcome, because she couldn't find stuff before. We did some cooking together, though. I think its just one of those things that has to be done sometimes. We usually go out to town, art galleries, to see friends, that sort of thing. Just happened to have a free day. I am pretty fussy with cleaning, though. That has been commented on, I admit!

The organiser sends out texts, and another Mum told me when I went to drop off my DD the other day, but I just thought you know I didn't get the usual text, so whatever really. I suppose its because they are all teachers/have careers and I'm still working my way up. I'm also in my mid twenties, whereas they are late thirties, so I think maybe we have different interests. I'm quite arty/quirky, and I guess with quite a young outlook. I never had a childhood, so I'm rubbish in social situations. When I left home (well, was made homeless) I didn't even know how to brush my hair. I've had to teach myself how to do everything. It can make me quite carefree and adventurous though, which is the more positive side of it.

Final year is meant to be hard, with lots of work. Its worth quite a lot of the final degree, so its a lot of pressure.

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-13 20:03:58

I just want to say well done, I really admire what you are doing.

Have look for the curly hair no shampoo method - I think you just wash their hair in the bath with not shampoo or conditioner at all and over time it stops being greasy/oily.

Find out how to turn your spin down - want 900 or less grin ironing is bad for the environment and your wallet grin

Alanna1 Sat 19-Oct-13 20:38:52

Congratulations on making it this far - many don't. You are nearly there. Reach out to the uni for some help.
Try not to worry too much about the house - I work FT as does my DH and I have a cleaner, and our house is still a tip (right now there is laundry in every room, either drying or waiting to be put away), lights are blown completely in four rooms... And has been that way for a week... I don't iron anything. DH does his shirts. That's it. Kids regularly look like urchins...

QueFonda Sat 19-Oct-13 20:53:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katkins1 Sat 19-Oct-13 22:43:42

Thankyou everyone. I am friendly with the mums when I see them, they are alright.

I take some heart from the fact that although some mums have joined us this year for the final year, I have stuck it out for the three years. That is not to say that they are working hard, or don't deserve it, but I have seen other people come and go. Some with kids, some without. I haven't heard of the curly hair thing. Mine is straight, but hers is starting to get really curly all of a sudden.

Our uni are really helpful , luckily, and I have a great supervisor for one of my final projects. She knows how I work, and more importantly, why.

Eletheomel Sun 20-Oct-13 12:37:27

Katkins - I just wanted to say congratulations! You've had a shitty start in life, you've raised a little girl (who knows right from wrong (e.g. knows not to draw on stuff - but also knows how to be naughty - very healthy :-) and is kept fed and clean - boxes ticked).

Your little girl also has an amazing role model - you - who is doing all she can to get herself a degree (I studied ft with no kids and no committments and I took my hat off to everyone I studied with who managed it with kids) on her own with little support) to get a job, so she can move to a different area and give her all that she didn't have growing up.

You're amazing!!!!!

I have 2 kids, a house, a husband and I never iron (hubby has to iron his workshirts and I've never ironed any of my kids clothes nor my own (maybe a going out shirt when I go out once a year or so). Ironing is for folk with too much time on their hands... ;-p

I hate housework - we rarely do it, apart from laundry, cooking and dishes, our house is almost always a mess - we try to get it done, but the bottom line is, I'd rather take the boys to the park then scrub the hob clean - so, c'est la vie (reckon I'm not going to my grave regretting I didn't spend more time cleaning the fridge).

Totally understand how demotivating it can be when you're house isn't decorated right and looks a mess, but remind yourself it's for one last year as you study for your degree.

Your little girl is at school so she won't be at the childminder for much time, you spend time with her at weekends, you're inspiring her - I think it's time to sit on your sofa with a nice cup of tea and slap yourself on the back for all that you've done - go on you deserve it (maybe even slip in a bit of chocolate :-D

SavoyCabbage Sun 20-Oct-13 12:50:12

I don't iron a thing. My nephew was at my mums and he saw her ironing and he said to her 'my dad has got one of those, he uses it for weddings'

My dds have curly hair. It is hard to manage if you have had straight hair yourself. My dds hair looks the same as each other but I have to do different things to it. It's trail and error really. Water in a plant bottle spray is our most used thing!

Dd1 has to sleep in two plaits to stop it getting knotty. She has to spray it with water and then brush it.

Dd2 doesn't have hers brushed. Just conditioned every two of three days.

I never shampoo their hair. Just condition it.

Katkins1 Sun 20-Oct-13 16:33:58

Thank you both. My DD was sick earlier today, but now bounding around, so I've had to sort out a friend to look after her rather than school tomorrow. Then when I spoke to some (non parent) friends about bringing her in or whatever, didn't know what I was doing etc., they tried to tell me not to take her outside as it may make her ill! Well, we went to the park because I'm Mum and I know she's fine, but I felt wound up by that. It was one of those short lived bugs, and I said I don't know what I'm doing yet, apologies if I'm not there. I felt pulled in all directions, and that just... non parents should be banned from giving advice!

Savoy, that's funny about the weddings! I never thought of that for curly hair. I have a spray through comb thing, but maybe I need one for her hair type?

RandomMess Sun 20-Oct-13 17:37:40

See my dds know what an iron is - it's for making hama bead models grin

The ironing board though, they did in all seriousness ask what it was for blush

Katkins1 Sun 20-Oct-13 18:40:50

That's a good thing I think! :D

rosiedays Mon 21-Oct-13 08:51:08

Hi op.
I was a single mum of 2 at uni living in a council house in my early 20s
It's fucking tough.
You've doing a great thing believe me. An untidy house ha!! She's 6 get her to help
At 6 i taught dd1 to make my coffee! Lol
House work was a fun thing that happened on a Saturday morning with very loud music and lots of singing and dancing.
New clothes were Xmas presents.
I reminded my self constantly of my end goal
One of my proudest moments was when dd1went to uni and said. . If you could do it with us 2 I have to be able to do it
Once I'd finished and got a good ish job we suddenly had shit loads of money. I was so used to scrimping it was a major shock. After 4 months of working I'd saved enough to take them for an (out of season) foreign holiday with lovely new clothes smile
It's taught my girls that you can do whatever you set your heart on. Money has to be earned. Hard times pass. And so much more
Chin up and be proud
Put a request on free cycle for paint/anything else you need. Oh yes and De clutter, when times are hard it's easy to horde as it makes you feel you have more. Chuck it out !! A few nicer things are better than loads of tat.
What are you studying?

Katkins1 Mon 21-Oct-13 16:16:12

Hi Rosiedays, I'm studying Drama. I hate it though, I don't get on with anyone, people don't even sit by me in class, and are nasty to me then kind to other people. It really gets me down. Yes I've said and done stuff when I've not been well, but there's no need to be so bloody awful to me.

I finish in May, but right now I feel as though I'm destined to fail

rosiedays Mon 21-Oct-13 19:02:28

My daughter did drama smile they're a funny bunch. A lot of her year group (I won't sayfriends) were horrible spoilt egotistical brats imo. She did not really enjoy it but stuck it out because she knew what she wanted to do after. She now runs children's work shops and drama groups and puts on plays for the parents. She loves it and is doing really well. But it doesn't come easy I'm afraid. And if you've marked your card with them you might just have to suck it up and keep your head down, focus on your work but don't be bullied by them

.I

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