Does your partner help with the baby?

(30 Posts)
GiveMeVegemite Sun 15-Sep-13 08:44:32

Hi, just want to see how this works in other houses....

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and have a 15 month old. My 15 month old isn't a great sleeper, teething at the moment so up a couple of times during the night and then up for the day around 6am.

My DH works from home 3 days a week, in the office 2 days. He is always busy during the day and I know he works hard, but I do EVERYTHING for our 15 month old, even though I am heavily pregnant.

He doesn't get up with him, doesn't change nappies, give milk, etc. he will help me with bath time at night about once a week and that's it. I am almost dreading how I will cope with a newborn as well.

He says 'you can't expect me to get up with him when I have to work'. Like he thinks I sit on my heavily pregnant ass all day with a 15 month old!

What is it like at your house?

VinegarDrinker Sun 15-Sep-13 08:46:39

No, my DH doesn't "help", he shares the parenting equally (or more) whenever he is at home. What with them being his kids.

I'm surprised you've tolerated it for 15 months tbh.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 15-Sep-13 08:47:00

In my house we are both parents to our children.

Lots of people manage to care for their children and also work, it's just that your partner can't be arsed.

One bath a fucking week?

Tell him he's a lazy shite and he's missing out on the best thing in his life.

Useless twat.

Tee2072 Sun 15-Sep-13 08:50:40

I don't have a baby any more. But my husband never "helped". He did his share because he's also a parent.

If you and your partner think of it as helping, you're screwed.

Tell him to man up.

Franke Sun 15-Sep-13 08:52:51

What VinegarDrinker said. You need to reverse this pattern of non-'helping' now before it's too late. Two under two is no walk in the park and you and dh will need to support each other 100%.

Featherbag Sun 15-Sep-13 08:59:58

It takes 2 to make a child and, if you're together, it takes both of you to raise it. My DH gets incredibly offended when anyone suggests he is 'helping' me by doing things for DS. We are equal parents - in fact, he does a damn sight more than me at the moment as I'm 29 weeks pregnant with SPD and sacroiliac dysfunction, so finding it hard to move about and practically impossible to lift 18kg DS!

Dirtymistress Sun 15-Sep-13 09:00:15

I have a 17 month gap between our boys, youngest is six months. Dp does everything I do. Two under two is hellish hard work, if I was doing this all by myself, I would have checked into some sort of institution by now. Tell him to shape up or ship out, lazy bastard.

matana Sun 15-Sep-13 09:05:36

We both work ft and yet both manage to share the parenting of our ds. We also share housework. When i was on mat leave he couldn't help with night feeds as ds was bf but he got up wt 4 or 5am with him, took him downstairs and gave me 2 or 3 hours of sleep before doing a full working day, coming home and doing bathtime. Your dh needs to pull his weight or your marriage will not survive having 2 children so young.

LePamplemousseMousse Sun 15-Sep-13 09:05:41

We have an 18 month old and I'm 34 weeks pregnant. I do work now but DH has always totally shared parenting even when I was on mat leave.

We take turns getting up in the night, doing the bedtime routine, dropping her off at childcare. He probably does more pooey nappies than I do. He works 12 hour days five days a week and has to get up at 6am.

Your OH is a lazy shit IMHO. He can't carry on like that when you have two. Parenting is an equal responsibility. He should be doing so much more, not just because he 'should' but because caring for his kids is a joy in itself. Tell him to have a word with himself and don't put up with it.

Mumraathenoisylion Sun 15-Sep-13 09:14:20

We also share parenting. Dh was a bit of a twat nightmare to begin with and seemed to have some old fashioned views on who looks after the baby with dc1. It took quite a few blazing rows discussions and for him to grow up a bit really to understand. I resented him for a while but things are better now.

He used to do mornings until 9am and bath time/bed after 5pm in the week and take them out on a Saturday for me to have time to myself but now school runs are involved for dc1 I do the mornings. He has asked me to show him how to do a lunch box and what needs to be done in the morning so I'm sure he'll be doing some mornings too. I wonder whether its because he had no confidence in his abilities before? Do you think that might be the case with your dh?

He really needs to start being a parent op, can you have a discussion with him to help him realise that if he doesn't do his share he probably won't have a family in the not too distant future?

GiveMeVegemite Sun 15-Sep-13 12:22:16

I have had a word with him about how much harder it will be with 2 and he has agreed to get up with DS1 before work so I can stay in bed for a bit longer than I do now.

It is really bloody annoying. It would honestly be easier if I was a single mum cos then at least I wouldn't have to make him lunch and dinner as well as me and DS1!

I literally haven't spent 10 minutes away from DS (apart from sleep). He has never been alone with my DH. I have to have a c section with DS2 so DH will be hime alone with DS for 2 days at least. I actually hope he starts to see that it is hard work, even though it is great fun too!

VinegarDrinker Sun 15-Sep-13 14:27:19

It may be confidence related (and it is important that he finds his own way of doing things - so my advice would be don't nitpick/criticise him unless he's doing something that's actually dangerous) but either way he seriously needs to step up.

Can you not arrange some time one weekend away from home with friends/family, or just go shopping, or swimming, or whatever and just leave him to it.

I wouldn't be keen to have their first time alone together to be in the highly stressful situation of you being in hospital with DC2.

mumofboyo Sun 15-Sep-13 17:00:18

I honestly don't know how I would have coped without dh after I had my dd. I had depression and dd had problems with feeding and reflux. The first few months were very difficult, for both of us, and I'm glad I wasn't alone.
By the sound of things, you are already more or less on your own, your dh doesn't appear to do anything. I think you need to have serious words with him as things are going to get very much more hectic. And after a cs you'll not be able to do a lot at all. Remind him that you're about to undergo major surgery and will need time to rest, or else you could do yourself quite a lot of damage.
If he won't pull his finger out and do his duty as a husband and father, I'd really have to reconsider the partnership...

To put things into perspective, my dh does a lot with our dc and around the house. We share the workload. I do slightly more because I'm at home more, and the depression has lifted slightly, but if the kids have been a pain during the day and I've got nothing done, he'll either take over with them or will do the household chores. Sometimes he will do both. This is on top of working a 40 hr week.

whenwilltherebegoodnews Sun 15-Sep-13 18:32:40

What do you do for yourself OP? Do you get time to exercise, drinks with friends, shopping, whatever you did pre-DC? He should definitely be pulling his weight and you should have equal amounts of time 'off' without DC.

Just leave him to it one day, go out for a few hours, its the best way to increase his confidence. He needs to do a hell of a lot more than just get up with DS, he should be doing that already, alternate lie ins at weekends etc.

lola88 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:59:32

I do most of the childcare because I'm a SAHM but when DP is home at night he does bath and I do bed one night and vice versa the next unless he is working late or a lot of overtime then sometimes I do his share (he doesn't ask I offer). At the weekend on Fridays I get up with DS during the night and DP gets up in the morning so I can sleep later then Saturday he does the night and I get up in the morning.

If I have a night out DP does bath, bed, night and mornings which is every couple of months. He also keeps DS with him if I go shopping at the weekend because DS doesn't like going and I go out 1 or 2 evenings a week at bedtime to a class so DP stays with DS and puts him to bed.

delasi Sun 15-Sep-13 20:03:59

It doesn't matter how your DH works, what he does for a living, etc - being at home with children during the day is also a full time job. People get paid good money for this. The time you that he's working and your looking after DC = working hours. The time outside of working hours = parenting time for both parents. Anything outside of the working hours has to be balanced. Sure, he needs to rest each day - so do you. He needs sleep before work - well, so do you. You especially when running after a 15mo, and even more so being heavily pregnant. Take it from someone who does all 3 - days caring for DS (9mo) alone, long days out at work, and days working from home - being at home alone with DS is the most tiring. And I'm not even pregnant!

Your DH may have to do a lot during the days when he works at home, but ime of working from home, as well as having a DH that works from home, and also having close friends who work from home... it's a different ballgame when you work from home! He is highly unlikely to be tied up for that time non-stop, he has to have breaks, he has to have breathing space. So personally, I think he could at least do a nappy change, maybe give the 15mo some lunch, give a bottle if you use them, just something so you get at least a quick break during the day. What does he do when he wants a coffee or a sandwich - does he just pretend like you're not at home!? Surely he can help out at that point, even with just something small. I know that some/he might argue that those are working hours, but it's just not quite the same when you're at home. DH and I both leave some of the more flexible work to after DS has gone to bed, in order to give more support to each other during the day. We both do night wakings, we both get lie-ins, as needed.

delasi Sun 15-Sep-13 20:05:36

*the time that he's working and you're looking after DC...

delasi Sun 15-Sep-13 20:08:11

And just to qualify, obviously 'parenting time' is all of the time, I mean to emphasise that those hours outside of work are dedicated even more to balancing the childcare duties.

sleepyhead Sun 15-Sep-13 20:12:44

We share care for both ds's.

I'm returning to work next month and dh will be taking 6 months paternity leave. I fully intend to keep playing a full part in the upbringing of my children, even though I'll be working...

Tbh my dh feels really sorry for men like your partner. They don't know what they're missing and are fools (in his opinion).

WestieMamma Sun 15-Sep-13 22:31:58

We have the advantage of generous parental leave here, so my husband currently only works 3 days a week and takes 2 days a week parental leave. On those 2 days he is primary carer, with a bit of 'help' from me, so I can do other stuff. Likewise I am primary carer on his working days with a bit of 'help' from him. Weekends I tend to do most of the feeds, he does most of the nappy changes/baths, although he doesn't like to lie in so does everything from when baby wakes until I drag myself up from my pit.

toobreathless Mon 16-Sep-13 00:44:45

I have DD1 2.4 yrs & DD2 5 months. DH is not a 'baby person' and considers DD2 to be an extension of me at least until weaned, he has never got up at night and I don't think changed a nappy. This is fine by me.

He does all the cooking, gets DD1 up and dressed at weekends, entertains DD1 much of the time if he is around, baths them both then we dress one each.

Sadly he is currently away for 6 months <sigh>

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 16-Sep-13 09:58:57

We parent as a team. Dh is a fantastic Dad. He baths ds every night when he comes home, gets up with him during the night, changes nappies, everything. He looks after him when I work.

Your dh needs to pull his socks up. Once he's finished work you should be parenting together. He should also give you time off.

waterrat Mon 16-Sep-13 20:35:33

Agree with everyone else - this is really not on.

My partner does half of everything when he is home. He does probably less of the early wakings because I can nap - but he will always get up at 6 if I say I'm too tired to do it. He cooks and cleans at least half probably more - he sees ds as his responsibility ! He takes him out when I need a break - he wants me to rest an have time off

The thing that shocks me about your situation is that you aren't getting time off - where is your dp doing any childcare at all ?

You need to leave your son with him for a Saturday ASAP - go and have coffee or lunch - why have you not asked for this? He will cope and he needs to do it soon before it gets harder!

stowsettler Tue 17-Sep-13 09:05:07

Crikey. Just to put that into perspective:-

DD is 6mo and DP is a SAHD. I work full time, and have to leave for work at 8.00am.
I get up at 6am, shower, get DD up, feed her then we go out to walk the dogs. I hand DD over to DP at around 7.50am, by which time she's ready for a nap.
I go to work and get home around 5.25pm. I take DD and have 45 mins or so with her, then I bath her and put her to bed.
I finish work at lunchtime on Fridays and every Friday afternoon I take DD swimming. Then we do a bit of shopping and other girly stuff, and DP puts her to bed.
Saturday and Sunday I do the lion's share of childcare but we usually have a couple of trips out as a family. DP puts her to bed on these days.
You absolutely can expect him to get up with her as he's got to work. It's what I do every fucking day. I wouldn't have it any other way, either - she's my daughter FFS. If I don't make the time to be with her how exactly will she realise that I'm her parent too?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 17-Sep-13 10:32:07

Sometimes (and I'm just musing out loud here) I wonder why some men have kids when they show little interest in looking after them. Is it a confidence thing? Are they scared? Or do they just see it as the woman's job?

It's not like as a mum you know what to do the minute you have a baby, but you just get on with it.

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