ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
So me and the lesser half have had a stinking row. Basically my little boy iS 4 months old and my sil sticks her finger in his mouth every time she sees him and says that she sooths him. Now she has only met him 5 times (tonight was the fifth) but very time has really grated on my nerves, I can't stand it and it gets my heckles up. I just find it disgusting, my baby has reflux so already has problems with his gut and her little boy is always ill so I jut think get your chuffing finger out of his mouth. Me and her do not have the best I relationships and she is extremely testing. Everything I have asks sky oh to say something and every time he says 'oh did she, I didn't see'. After last time he assured me e would say something. Then tonight she does it in front of us. I looked at him and he giggled,effing giggled like a stupid fucking schoolgirl because he knew it was winding me up. He then said 'oh you want to be careful chewing her fingers, you don't know where they've been', to which she relied 'they're clean'. Now because we don't have the best relationship and she's a nutter I have refrained from
Saying anything as I am too tired to be tactful and in any case think its his job. On the way home we argued about this, at first he told me that if it bothers me to say something, then it was that I was only kicking off because it was her, me and him have previously done it and finally I wouldn't tell my family if they were doing it. Oh and not forgetting that if I do say anything he'll start being an arse with my family. Logics never been that dickheads strong point.
I just think, I do it occasionally and I'm his mum so my germs are ok and so are his, my family don't do it and if they do do anything I don't like I have balls enough to say and also just know that it bothers me and so address the issue.
I would just like to know...am I over reacting or would anyone else be upset with the finger sticking?
I'd be annoyed at anyone sticking their finger in my babies mouth. Dirty rat thing to do!
I'd be even more annoyed at your bf not backing you up and making you feel stupid.
How is your relationship with him? That is much more important than your relationship with her.
Don't worry he will be teething soon, that'll make her eyes water when she sticks her precious pinky in and gets bitten!
He's my husband, pre baby it was brill post baby I struggle to remember why I said yes! This was a ferocious row though, i think because i let a lot go usually but i cant on this one so he thought shouting me down would work. I can't bear to be near him now. Fucking prick.
I just think if something bothers me soooo much, and I think it's a founded concern, then just back me up and deal with it.
I've witnessed her picking her nose countless times!!!!
What does yanbu mean?
Just reread my original post. I've not had a stroke, a heady mixture of rage and autocorrect made me look like I was drunk typing! Ha!
Have you actually said anything to your SIL? Why is it only his job to say something?
Filthy thing to do, can you just not see her for a few months? If you see her then does she have to hold the baby? It is difficult to think of something to say to stop her doing it that won't offend her and your DH. Could you say something about the baby vomiting to stop her?
No I've not. I just think its better in a relationship if you pull your own family up on stuff.
The reason why I haven't is because she is temperamental and we don't have a good relationship, if I said anything I don't trust myself not to snap and just go all out on the issue. Being exhausted and stressed due to none parental matters has eroded all my patience and tact, I'm very short tempered now and with this in mind I don't want to start anything that could easily turn into all out war!
She's an intimidating person and on the 5 occasions we've seen her has made a power play of sorts to undermine me and tonight was just bullish in taking him.
I've just decided that if he won't say anything then we won't see her. He can but he can get fucked if he thinks my little boys being exposed to other people's dirty hands because he's too much of a pussyhole to say anything.
I know this sounds like a dramatic reaction but i literally think if he can't support me on this then what will it be like on the big stuff? I'm really struggling to envisage a future at the mo.
I agree you should stand your ground on this but you most likely aren't thinking straight with so much stressing you out so it's better to wait until you feel better and have a clearer perspective about your relationship before making any major changes in your life. I suppose your DH is struggling with this too, conflict is difficult and rarely managed without long term upset. If you can avoid her then do.
YANBU = you are not being unreasonable.
I don't think the sticking finger in the mouth is actually a problem ( my dd was grabbing peoples hands and shoving them in her mouth at that age!) but it doesn't really matter whether it's an real issue or not, if it bothers you that much your DH should back you up.
Could you try speaking to him when it's a bit calmer and saying that you know it might seem a bit OTT but it does really bother you and it's important to you do could he please back you up even though he might think its something and nothing. My DH reacts better if I explain that I know that I might be being a bit irrational but it'll make me feel better to do/not do the particular thing anyway.
It is very stressful at times having a LO, no-one really tells you how much strain it can put on a relationship at times, especially when irritating family are added into the mix as well!
I think it's a grim thing to do and also interfering - it's too personal to stick a finger into babies mouths when they aren't your own. Also, dummies are supposed to be sterile for good reason - I presume she hasn't sterilised her hand in the microwave prior to shoving a digit in his mouth? I would personally say to her politely when she holds him "oh, if he is a bit unsettled, would you mind just rocking him or pass him back, and not pop a finger in his mouth, because with his reflux that might make him sicky." And then promptly change the subject so she can't comment or argue. Is your dh intimidated by his sister? He may fear sparking off a row but if you tell him that this is important to you and not unreasonable, and you are prepared to pu it to her pleasantly, then he shouldn't have a problem with your saying something.
Well we're friends again now and bubs reflux really kicked off yesterday continuing today. He has also started coughing and crying because he's in pain and its occurred to him that her son was ill last week with similar symptoms so concluded it could be down to that. I mean it might not but because she's doing that (and that's the only unsterile item that's gone in his mouth) the natural assumption is her. He's going to catch stuff anyway but we don't need to be increasing the chances.
Yes, he's intimidated by her and so it's not the case that he doesn't have a problem with it, he just wants to avoid confrontation at all costs. But with bub now being under the weather I think it's made him think and he also doesn't really want to give me the opportunity to say 'see! This is what happens'!
I was venting to a friend who suggested I stick my finger in her mouth! Ha!
I have decided, now that I'm certain I'm not being super sensitive or neurotic I'm going to just confront it next time and just go with your advice and politely tell her to pass him back but not to stick her finger in.
Maybe stand your ground in a more rational way? Your OH didn't do anything and can do more about it than you can...and she's your sister. Why not just have a word. It's not hygienic, I agree. But there are better ways to deal with it than to get this angry.
Sorry - it's his sister, not yours. I'd still have a word with her. I think it's very obvious he would feel uncomfortable talking to her about it.
I have done that to my OWN child in the beginning. When I knew my hands were clean. At 4 months they should have sterile things still so I do believe you have the right to be annoyed. It's the laughing more then anything that is shocking. Of course it upsets you and as a mother you want to protect your child. Which is prob why it gets to you so much.
Something similar happened to me at weekend. I had an argument with my OH because my FIL was throwing my DD around when she was screaming for a feed. Told him to pass her to me twice, politely. Then when he refused I shouted "GIVE ME MY DAUGHTER!". Then my OH turned to me and said "don't be so rude". IMO I wasn't, my FIL was.
I'd say something. But that's just me. Or refuse to go round. And as far as I'm concerned he should grow some bloody balls and stick up for you and his child
Yanbu. Its gross and stupid and frankly a bit weird. Why would one do that voluntarily? Lucky (pity) she's mot had it bitten haha If he won't deal with it then you will have to. I know how that goes. Dh more bothered about upsetting his family than sticking up for our child.
Yeah, defo going to say something. To be honest with the laughing I think it was more nerves because I was eyeballing him and he knew why and he just didn't want to confront it. Totalling agree he should stop being a complete wet and we should come first.
Where sil is concerned I feel like its a bit of a power struggle and an attempt to undermine my parenting. She insists that i should leave him all the time, and with her at that. I'm just not that kind of a parent. He's a part of me now so where I go he does. Also she doesn't know him or his niggles. Like I say, met him 5x but then, especially in front of company, acts like she's the best aunt in the world. She insisted he was teething when she grabbed him off me when I'd already said he was grouchy as he needed a sleep and couldn't as there was too much going on. She always has to question my parenting.
When she first came over and grabbed him from me she immediately walked away with him. I was a bit pissed off at that because I don't know why she did or where she was going. I don't know whether I'm being over sensitive.
A couple of months ago she came round and did the finger thing but I went to the kitchen to get a drink and when I came back was taking lo socks off insisting he was too hot. 5 mins before her arrival he had been projectile vomiting because onto the reflux, she was told this prior to my going in the kitchen. Upon my return her diagnosis was he was too hot and it was ridiculous that he was in 'winter socks'. 1 he wasn't, 2 you've been told why. Once again dh was laughing saying 'fancy putting her in those socks'.
Added to this she never returns him to me. I can be next to her and she makes a point of seeking dh out.
Again I don't know whether I am unnecessarily taking offence and being sensitive but the things she does just really getting heckles up.
It's my dad that's like that with h. Insists he doesn't need feeding when he does, wants to feed him then starts jiggling about instead. I end up shouting at him but at least that's my dad so I feel a lot easier bollocking him than I do her. It defo pisses me off and would probably do so more if it was the in laws and dh stood there ignoring the first requests of the child back, let alone confront you!
Is the acronym for dear husband also meant to double as dick head?
tricky as you do it yourself but if you didn't your response could be along the lines of needing to steralise everything you fgive your baby e.fg dummies and bottles would likely be steam steralised or boiled for 20 minutes.
Yanbu I would not like someone to stick a finger in my mouth, which is why I would say, "don't put your finger in his mouth please" how can she possibly argue with a polite and direct request. If she says anything just reply, I don't like it.
Yanbu. Your sil sounds a bit jealous to me (you have your lovely baby, hers a bit older?) She's making it look like she knows best
With people like that there is no subtle. Totally agree to be direct but polite, no discussion.
maybe it's better to do it now, get it over with, then hopefully it stops more argument at home? They are horrible.
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