as it gets nearer I don't think I can bear to leave to leave my baby while I work.

(24 Posts)
Choos123 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:21:48

Fwiw, at that age dd loved nursery, if you can avoid closing your options it is always better.

beela Fri 13-Sep-13 14:46:38

I noticed that at around 8-9 months DS started to really enjoy the company of other children, that helped when he went to the CM and I went back to work 2.5 days a week when he was 13 months old.

cleoowen Fri 13-Sep-13 08:43:00

Tribpot, no dp isn't that bad really, he just says it when we are arguing about money and his overdraft. We have a joint account so wages go into that and childcare and bills will come out. I think if I was a sahm we would have a very "I earn the money so will spend it how I like" attitude.

I think I do need to talk to him about this though and I will do.

tribpot Thu 12-Sep-13 21:16:48

I don't think going back to work is going to solve your problem, OP. Have you discussed how the household expenses are going to be split once you are back at work? Let me guess: all childcare costs will come out of your salary?

cleoowen Thu 12-Sep-13 17:36:35

Thanks all. I think I LL are how I get on and re assess after xmas. I think I will be a bit lost when ds or other children we have go to school so it is good to keep my hand in. plus ds has been difficult the last few days so I might end up being glad to be away from him.

Fortunately dh will be dropping him off in the mornings which will make it easier. Yes, I think the anticipation of going back to work is probably worse than going.

Dh is quite mixed in being supportive. He has had ds for nights and days with no worries. Ds is generally an pretty easy going baby so we are lucky, although he seems to have had a personality transplant recently! That's why dh says it's easy.

He has him own business which he finds stressful and is the main earner so I feel he does throw the fact that I m on maternity leave in my face when he gets home and I ve been out to lunch with friends. this is mainly when we are arguing about money and how he over spends. I do feel if I was a sahm he would use any money I spend or any lack of money we have in my face, he does have the attitude that I earn it so should spend it on what I want. It's difficult.

waterrat Wed 11-Sep-13 18:14:12

While I think being sahm can be wonderful if its right, I also really believe that children benefit from getting care and love from different adults - and from spending time with other children

Your little one will love the time with the cm and I think you will never regret giving it a go - its really important to keep future work opportunities open - he is little now but a toddler will want the stimulation of a change in surroundings and you may find 5 days with an energetictoddler is exhausting and work will give you balance

Your son will be at school in 4 years and you will need to keep a foot in the job market if you want to work then

I promise you the thought of it is much worse than the reality. Settling kids into childcare when you're not yet back at work is hideous because you have nothing to think about except the guilt. Once you're actually dropping them and going to work to be with adults/achieve things/ earn money/ remember what you are actually like without a child in tow/etc you'll feel a million times better.

Try as hard as you possibly can not to think about it until it comes, then tell yourself you can always stop work if you hate it in a few months' time. I almost guarantee that although there will be some tough days, overall you will feel miles better when you're back at work.

Good luck!

Willothewhip Tue 10-Sep-13 21:05:09

I am going to go against the grain (and probably get flamed for it) but you sound like a lovely Mum who has developed a fantastic attachment to your child. You can never have this time with your DS again.

If your DS was asked his opinion, I'm sure he would rather be with you than a child minder. Children are resilient because they don't have any option. Don't let your DH's comments put you off. Do what you believe is right in your heart. There will always be another job when your DS is bigger and is no longer as dependent on you.

lola88 Tue 10-Sep-13 20:54:07

Your DH sounds like an idiot! He wants you to work just so you don't have it 'easy' wtf

I went back to work for 4 months hated every min of it so I stopped and don't plan to work until DS is at school for me it's just now worth the extra bit of money and I get help from DP and both our familys so don't feel the need to use work as a break.

girliefriend Tue 10-Sep-13 20:36:54

Your dh sounds really unsupportive shock

I wouldn't be happy about that at all and angry at his assumption that looking after a baby is easy. I think you need to book a long weekend with some girl friends and leave him to it - see if he still thinks it's 'easy' after all!!

I can remember feeling how you are now but actually within a few weeks it does feel much eaiser. Once you know your baby is fine and you get back into the swing of things at work, you get used to a new routine quite quickly.

I also think women where possible should work to keep some independence, the thought of being entirely dependent on someone else for money makes me feel sick!!!

mummyxtwo Tue 10-Sep-13 20:28:47

I totally understand as I resigned from my 3 days a week job as a GP and decided to only do out of hours work for the time being until dd2 is a little older. I just do one, occasionally two, evenings a week at the moment (until midnight), when dh is at home so I don't mind leaving the kids with him while I go out to work. I realise I am fortunate to have had that option though. Before you make a decision about what your ideal would be, think about your job and how easy it would or wouldn't be to return to it in a few years time when dc's are at school. When they are in full time education you will likely be keen to do some work again. We aren't exactly well off as dh is doing an expensive PhD and I chose not to earn a good salary as a GP, but for us it is worth it that I get to be home for the kids. I would want to work when dd2 or any subsequent dc's strike that from the record are in full time school though, and in order to do that I have to keep my hand in so I can keep up to date and get my revalidation. The pre-school years go quick so it is worth thinking about.

I second that you should go out and leave dh with your lo for at least a full day, ideally a weekend. Looking after children is not easy - I can honestly say I have had more challenging moments and been more at the end of my tether staying home with the kids than I did when working 120 hour weeks as a junior hospital dr. To think that it is "easy" is misguided and patronising, maybe you are doing too much of the childcare and making it easy for him so he isn't getting to appreciate that it is hard work? Or get pregnant again, and leave him home with the baby and a toddler - believe me he'll change his tune! wink

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Tue 10-Sep-13 17:12:59

I am a sahm. It works for me, but I couldn't do it if my husband wasn't totally supportive. We would resent each other hugely.

Plus, if I could find work for two days a week I would take it - it's a really nice balance. I personally wouldn't want to work much more with young children, but two days a week means loads of time at home with your baby and keeping your hand in at work.

CailinDana Tue 10-Sep-13 17:05:22

How much has your dh looked after your ds on his own?

slightlysoupstained Tue 10-Sep-13 15:05:34

It would be a lot easier for you if your DH was doing the drop-offs.

Suggest that as it's only 2 days a week, that he seriously try to arrange later starts for those 2 days for the first month after you're back. If it's "impossible", then maybe he should appreciate how you're enabling him to hold down his current job.

I went back at 9 months. DP did all drop offs (still does), and found it very tough at the start. It made going back a lot easier for me though as I wasn't upset at the start of the day. DS is now well settled with his nursery days, and DP is finding it a lot easier to drop him off as he's clearly enjoying it- the settling in period was harder on him than it was on DS, who was apparently okay after he'd left.

Not on for your DP to make you feel shit about it when he's not shouldering his part of the emotional burden. He needs to step up and do his bit.

Agree with others, two days is pretty good & you should give it a go for long enough that you know it's really what you want. I found the period just before going back incredibly stressful - all the worry of trying to organise childcare & none of the benefits of being back yet.

Spiritedwolf Tue 10-Sep-13 14:51:03

And yes yes to the Tribpot's comments about dismissing your feelings. It is normal to be a bit anxious or upset about leaving your baby to return to work at first, even if you later get used to it or even enjoy the time to yourself. He doesn't sound very sympathetic.

Spiritedwolf Tue 10-Sep-13 14:43:55

Tried to post this earlier before there were more replies but my computer died, most of it is still relevant, except that you are just looking to go back two days rather than the full week:

Does he think its easy to look after a mobile baby? Is he ever left in sole charge of DS? If not then I'd remedy this immediately. My DH is in no doubt that being constantly vigilant of an active toddler is hard work.

I'm a SAHM to my 13 month old DS. Its not easy. But I didn't have a career to give up and my DH appreciates me being home for DS so there wasn't an argument about it. I think it would be really difficult if he would be unsupportive and would make snide comments about you having it easy. You also need to think about your future work prospects, in terms of the gap in your CV.

Most of the mums in my antenatal group who have returned to work have felt anxious about it at first, afterall they have been living and breathing their babies for 6-12months plus, its natural. One or two have decided to change careers/retrain - one has become a childminder and another has decided to go to uni. I think one is just returning to work for a few months to make sure they don't have to pay back their mat leave pay. Several are working less days a week than before - with at least one splitting chilcare with their partner or family members so that they aren't using childcare. But others are full flow back into their previous demanding jobs - some using nursery, others choosing a more homely childminder etc. Personally, as DS gets older I'd like to do a bit of self-employed work from home (artist/writer/designer) in the evenings/weekends when DH is home or DS is asleep/occupied.

The point I'm trying to make is that there are loads of options between working full time out of the home, and being 'just' a SAHM (though there is nothing wrong with that!).

Are there other options you could explore? Could you freelance or work from home some days/evenings? Retrain as a childminder?

TBH though, this seems like more of a relationship issue - does your partner not respect you? Why would he be willing to pay for someone else to look after his son if its that 'easy' but not for you to do it? Would he respect it as a job if you were a paid childminder? What's wrong with 'having it easy' even if it was true if you can afford it?

blueberryupsidedown Tue 10-Sep-13 12:59:07

Also, your baby might be feeling your anxiety and get nervous before heading for the childminder. It's not a life sentence, if it doesn't work out you can stop working.

It's very very hard to find a two-day a week job, your son will be with you a majority of the time.

My gut feeling is to tell you to go back to work, but then, I am a childminder and I have always managed to settle in babies and toddlers even if they cried to start off with!

tribpot Tue 10-Sep-13 12:50:05

It sounds like he's going to be reminding you how much harder he works however many days you do, OP. I don't think it's fair that he's dismissing your desire to stay at home just because it's 'easy' (bollocks is it easy).

I am quite sure that you will get used to it and your baby will be fine, but that's not really the point - he's dismissing your feelings. You could suggest he went down to 3 days a week so he could look after your ds whilst you work - think you might find a different story about how 'easy' it is then.

Potol Tue 10-Sep-13 12:45:58

Give it a go. They settle down and flourish. My son went to the CM at 8 months and my heart broke on that first day. A year later he wakes up in the morning saying her (and her dog's) name, jumps into her arms and is a wholly different child. Confident, outgoing and he has a whole life outside of me. She provides him with activities that I may not have, and he still has time with me. And says "yay mummy" when I come to pick him up. You have a great set up with your working hours, don't give it up. And in terms of settling, he was fine/trusted her in 2-3 weeks and within 3 months was completely settled and happy. And don't worry if he cries at pick up time, it's their overwhelming emotion at seeing you. It does not mean they had a shit time.

mrspaddy Tue 10-Sep-13 12:38:15

I would go back and give it a go.. two days is very little in the big scheme of things and it will keep your foot in the door for employment further down the line if your partners circumstances change/when children go to school etc.

You might be glad of the chance to have a bit of time and adult company/put on your make up and I think it is good for children too.

My mother was a SAHM and I really think it wasn't good for her long term.

CatFromAcrossTheRoad Tue 10-Sep-13 12:28:26

Keep your options open as long as possible. If you give up work now, it might be difficult to get another one only 2 days per week, and who knows, you might start enjoying having a cuppa in peace smile

Fwiw, I work similar days and though the first weeks were hard (for me), I love dropping them off and going to work now! Plus you of course get the benefit of maternity pay next time should you have more dc.

cleoowen Tue 10-Sep-13 11:39:04

Thanks cat. Yes, I think I just need to are how it goes, I might enjoy it and so might ds. I think the anticipation of the next two Weeks when I go back properly is probably worse than the event. I will are how I feel after xmas and I know I am lucky it's only 2 days. Plenty of friends work full time or 4 days a week.

CatFromAcrossTheRoad Tue 10-Sep-13 11:27:00

It is very difficult to leave baby in the beginning even if one is looking forward to work. Maybe a way forward could be to try and see; if you really hate it after a couple of months you can always give up work at that time. I have a 100 days rule: if something still is too hard after 100 days it is time to rethink!
Good luck whatever you choose.

cleoowen Tue 10-Sep-13 11:17:53

Loved my maternity leave but now ds is 9 months old and my ma has ended I have to go back to work. Tbf it is only two days a week but don't think I can leave him.

he had his first trial morning at the childminders today and I was crying before even dropping him off. I know it will get easier and I used to enjoy my job but having children changes my whole perspective.

Btw I am not one of those mums who devotes every waking hour to their child. I have left him with family and been on nights out with no problem. I believe you have to be yourself as well as a mum but I don't think I can leave him to go to work. I just don't want to.

Dh has discussed it and he is reluctant for me to be a sahm he thinks it's easy and sees,me as just wanting to have it easy and enjoy myself. Plus financially we would be ok. But I think he would remind,me forever how much harder he is working than me.

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