My partners ex won't let me meet their son-am I being unreasonable?

(21 Posts)
fabergeegg Sun 08-Sep-13 16:28:11

This is not on topic but I'm curious...if you would have got together before now, why did your partner have a child with someone else?

Thinking about what you were actually asking, I have to say that I don't think you're unreasonable to want to meet your DP's son eventually and your DP's ex will have to accept that in time. It will take a lot of maturity to blend the families though. I think you're trying to have another child very quickly from the other children's point of view. With so much change going on in their lives and you already working full-time, I'd wonder where the time is going to come from to meet their needs and be there for them. I appreciate your fertility is limited but surely it should be about what's best for everybody?

I'd also be prepared for a challenging time with your DP does get visitation rights, as he will have his hands full with a toddler already and you will have to accept that.

Fairylea Sun 08-Sep-13 08:54:09

Honestly it really is a mess.

He's only met your dc two weeks ago so I take it you're not living together? How do you know it's going to work out between you all living together, let alone bringing another baby into it all.

I am not biased about blended families. I myself have one dd aged 10 from my first marriage and I am now married again and have ds 15 months with my dh. It can work, absolutely. But you can't rush these things, biological clock or not.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 08-Sep-13 08:33:29

Oh.

You don't really want advice do you? You want to hear she's a bitch yes you should see the child, it's all her fault and you and your DP are soul mates and it'll all be like the waltons.

Good luck.

mumto3beauts Sun 08-Sep-13 08:30:57

There are 2 reasons, I am getting older and the clock is ticking and it is what we both want.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 08-Sep-13 08:25:49

The TRC is not irrelevant or you wouldn't have mentioned it surely?

You sound like you are rushing things with your DP. why?

mumto3beauts Sun 08-Sep-13 08:24:19

Wips, Yes I would like a 4th, we both have very good jobs and yes we can afford it. The TTC bit is irrelevant to what I am asking. And yes his ds was 9weeks old when they split because she was seeing someone else from when she was 7months pregnant!
Hokey, your dh exW sounds lots like my dp ex! We are going to see a solicitor on Thursday for some advice.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 08-Sep-13 08:18:49

I am sorry but it all sounds like a terrible mess.

I think you need to step back and let your DP and his ex sort their own stuff and get his care arrangements sorted and stable and working well. It wouldn't be fair to his DS or your children to bring another child into this. The disruption to the existing children would be massive.

If he only met your kids 2 weeks ago you have no clue how its going to work out with him and them.

What is the big rush?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 08-Sep-13 08:18:04

I'm ignoring the ttc bit as that's a bit mad.

I met dh's boys after about eight months. His ExW hated it, they were divorced before I met him nothing to do with me.

She decided to make it as awkward as she could when I came on the scene, dh would pick them up on a cold day and she would send them out in shorts, if she knew we were going for lunch she would feed then before we came out. Once we told her what Christmas present we had got then so she went & bought the same and gave them to them first and didn't tell us!!

When she found out I was pregnant after 3 years she went off the scale told the boys lots of lies, moved away, changed their names and ignored cafcass & anything the courts said.

Dh didn't see his boys for 9 years because of her.

Be careful get your dh up get GOOD legal advice and visiting in place she sounds as unreasonable as dh's ex.

WipsGlitter Sun 08-Sep-13 08:17:28

This all sounds a bit chaotic. 16mths, you've been together 8? So his son was pretty young when his parents split, that's sad.

You already have three children and want a fourth?? Can you afford that??

mumto3beauts Sun 08-Sep-13 08:13:37

He met my kids about 2 weeks ago with which I spoke to my ex husband first. I have known dp for 4 years and there has always been that spark between us, the only reason nothing happened before between us is I found it hard to leave an abusive relationship. But that's another story. At the end of the day it's our decision on TTC, yes it may be too soon, but my own experience of coming off the depo and cerazette it takes me months to even get AF! Took me 3 years to fall for my 1st dd.
I'm not bothered that I can't meet him yet, he is only 16months old, and I don't want to confuse him what so ever. Like I have said in my other posts I'm more than happy that he is being man enough to say I can't meet him yet.

Fairylea Sun 08-Sep-13 08:08:18

Way too soon to ttc! All sounds a bit of a mess with his ex and 8 months is definitely honeymoon period!

As for the ex, effectively your dp is entitled to do whatever he likes and introduce his dc to whoever he likes during his contact. He needs to get the contact properly organised first.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 08-Sep-13 08:04:53

How soon did he meet your kids?

claraschu Sun 08-Sep-13 07:58:42

Too soon and too messy to TTC.

Is there a real reason for the rush?

im just giving an opinion here so don't get touchy but you have only been with him 8 months yet you say you have a solid relationship and are trying for a baby together?
im 35 and have had three long term relationships.
8 months is the honeymoon period where you think you have found your soul mate and all is perfect with the world.
however that said she IS being unreasonable to say that you can never meet him.
maybe give it a while longer so that she can see that this really is a stable long term relationship and that her son isn't going to get used to you and then you and your partner will split.
for all you know he may have been through a few girlfriends first before he got to you and she may be concerned about that.
give it a while longer.
I know you don't want to hear this when you are loved up and your relationship feels like the strongest in the world but 8 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 08-Sep-13 07:54:27

What age is his child if he's teething?

The fact you're TTC with your partner when you have only been with him 8 months made me do a sharp intake of breath, I have to be honest.

mumto3beauts Sun 08-Sep-13 07:43:51

I'm not saying I want to meet him now, I'm completely fine with not meeting his ds at the moment and I fully support him in the decisions he makes and he tells me he is very lucky that I am so laid back about it all as it would scare most women off. I just think for me to never be able to meet him is a bit off, he said that I won't meet him this side of Xmas and I'm fine with that. I will never be his ds mum and I will never expect him to call me mum, like wise he will never be my 3dc dad and they will never call him dad.
His ex never replies to his usual everyday texts of him asking how their ds is and out the blue she asks him to have him last night, to which he found out he is teething badly and hardly sleeping, and dp she had probably had enough and was exhausted. Dp doesn't care it was 24 hours notice, he was just glad he got to see his ds.

wickedwitchNE Sat 07-Sep-13 22:49:16

After 3 months of no contact she texts giving 24hrs notice, with her demands? Sounds like she needs a babysitter! This is a big enough issue for her to withhold contact for 3 months but not to discuss over the phone/face-to-face or to phase contact back in. If the situation is as simple as this then she is definitely the unreasonable one!

YANBU. However you have no say in how this plays out. Your DP needs to sort out an official access agreement of some sort, which could include any ground rules both parents agree on involving your future presence/role. This needs to be done sooner rather than later for the sake of His child. All you can do now is support DP and have endless patience.

deakymom Sat 07-Sep-13 22:27:27

the not meeting you ever is a bit unreasonable not meeting you now is probably wise but ever? bit OTT he needs to get a proper contact order put in place rather than and as and when arrangement sooner or later if you have kids you are going to meet the child you need to set out ground rules such as his child shall never call you mom be with you totally when supposed to be visiting dad things like that would probably ease her mind i know when my ex introduced his girlfriend to my lo i was fine till they tried to get her to call her mommy and told her they were going to take her to live with them then i went ballistic...............im surprised you didn't hear me x

fabergeegg Sat 07-Sep-13 21:56:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable but can I just point out that your feelings aren't as significant here as what's best for your DP and his child? You may realise this already in which case I apologise.

There are so many good reasons why your DP's ex may simply not be ready to think of her child with a step-mother. And there are lots of bad reasons too! The situation has to resolve but I feel it will only get worse if you put any kind of pressure on. Don't make your DP feel like he's not serious about you unless he gives you access. To my mind, this issue is only significant because it will deeply affect your DP and his child if their relationship is not allowed to take place in the light of day, in his home and in his life. That's what matters. At the moment, your relationship is still relatively new and it may not be adversely affecting either of them for him to continue the relationship with his child as if he were single. The fact that you've made a different choice for your own children is not relevant to this.

Yes of course your DP has the right to make the choice and his ex is being unreasonable.. I would understand it if she preferred that you don't meet her child until you and DP are sure it's a lifetime arrangement. I'm sure she's well aware she can't enforce this condition but is probably speaking out of a place of deep hurt. Perhaps a time limit could be set, by which time this situation has to be worked through to a place where it's possible for you all to move on? I'm sure your DP's ex has no wish to remain single for the rest of her life!

lola88 Fri 06-Sep-13 21:28:40

He should maybe look into getting some kind of official visiting order? I have no idea how these things work but it's not fair her deciding he can't see his son. A guy I worked with had that problem took the ex to court and he now has official days with his son and his new partners involved with his son too.

mumto3beauts Fri 06-Sep-13 21:23:45

I have been with my dp for 8 months and we have a good solid relationship, but his ex stopped him seeing his son about 3 months ago when he told her about us. Today she sent him a text saying he can have him tomorrow night, with the following 2 conditions.
•That he doesn't take him back to her ill and
•That he doesn't meet me-EVER.
Me and my dp discussed things about 2 months into our relationship and said it would be a good 6 months before I met him (he has met my 3dc) and I don't have a problem with it at all, but I told him I'm not some sort of fling or someone he is just sleeping with, and at some point I would like to meet him, but just don't feel it will go down with her. We are also TTC, which I'm now worried she will stop dp seeing his son again if and when she finds out he is having another dc.

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