This is impossible! How does anyone make this work??

(188 Posts)
Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 14:17:34

As soon as I get ds1 (2) down, ds2 (9days old) kicks off. I've been up since 2am and frazzled! Ds2 won't sleep, he's been up for hours now and I physically don't know how to do this without dh being here!

Ds1 feels neglected, haven't bonded with ds2 because I feel resentful of him crying and crying and CRYING all the time nd taking me away from ds1, then I hate myself for feeling this way.

Crying and crying and feel like I can't cope and made a huge mistake.

When will it get better??

blueberryupsidedown Mon 02-Sep-13 15:50:34

I'm not sure what to write but I don't want to leave your post unanswered.

Can you get help from a friend or family member for a couple of hours? Try to get out for a walk with children in pushchair to get some air and maybe they will both have a little rest/quiet time at the same time.

I have two boys and they are 18 months age difference, the first few weeks and months are very difficult. Does your DH have any paternity leave?

I learned to cut corners when DS2 was born. Many corners, and I am not sure if you really want my advice... I gave DS2 a dummy and that was a life saver, for one thing. I got a massive double buggy so that I could walk the two of them together around the block, they would both fall asleep, and I'd leave them in the buggy and crash on the sofa for half an hour sleep in the afternoon. I gave up cleaning. I stopped giving DS1 a bath every day and gave him one every other day instead (and occasionally every three days!). We watched Thomas the tank engine over and over again....

Do you have a sling to put your baby in during the day? It might allow you to sit down with your DS1 to read books and play.

bigkidsdidit Mon 02-Sep-13 15:53:29

Sympathies, I'm further on than you with a 2.7yo and 10wo. I have lots of telly and sweets blush and I have DS2 in the sling every 90 minutes with a dummy so he naps while I chat to DS1. It's bloody hard though isn't it. I cry on DH almost every night

bigkidsdidit Mon 02-Sep-13 15:59:04

The thing is, it does get better and you will cope. And the baby will sleep one day. DS2 did 7-1 last night and I could climb Everest today!

Can you nap when your DH gets home?

WetGrass Mon 02-Sep-13 16:01:37

OK - they've broken your spirit and conclusively won the war.

Now it's time to start negotiating the truce.

Accept your fixed points: DS2 won't be put down; DS1 needs attention. Forget all your previous assumptions and patterns, and start building from here.

Put DS2 in a sling - and view any time that he spends in eg a bouncy chair as an unexpected treat. Figure out fun for DS1 that doesn't clash with this (park! the wonderful park!). Get a treat for yourself (trashy mag and a coffee). Be pleased with your achievements. Attempt nothing further.

EasyMark Mon 02-Sep-13 16:03:26

tips;
1)invest in a sling for new baby
2)sleep when both kids sleep
3) give dh both kids for an hour and sleep when he gets home from work

4) find things ds1 can do on his own such as, soft play, chalks outside, bath crayons (not with water in bath), stickingmatch sticks, gliter and form shaps to paper, tv, dvds.

5) smack food is ur friend along with a waterbottle for 2yo to help themselves.

6)Try tp get out once per day to a park, fresh air will make them sleep as well as running around for 2yo

7) dishwasher, microwave meals, coffee machine, shower and a baby swing help. Get dh to predo as much as poss.

CharlotteBr0nteSaurus Mon 02-Sep-13 16:07:57

sounds really hard on you all. have you got a DP?

I am seconding getting a really good sling - i found stretchy wraps like the kari-me best. I would not consider myself an attachment type, and initially dismissed slings as wafty lentilly things, but was utterly converted.

dd2 was a grumpy, colicky baby, and the only way I could get anything done with dd1 was by strapping dd2 in the sling.

i also stopped cleaning haven't started again three years on, and we lived off junk food for a while. it's not forever, and it will get better.

EasyMark Mon 02-Sep-13 16:09:22

snack food! asda do apple bags/fruit bags, crackers, ricecakes, dried fruit, babybell anything you can open and give to dc1 when they are hungry blush

lovelychops Mon 02-Sep-13 16:14:13

Nothing much to add to what others have said, but you're doing a much better job than you think you are. Be kind to yourself.

Getting out and about with the pushchair saved my sanity in the early days. If one of them sleeps its a bonus. Fresh air will do you all good.

I found having a few massively early nights 8.30pm helped in the early weeks. Promise it does get better. Have you got support?

MortifiedAdams Mon 02-Sep-13 16:14:16

Ypur DH does.bedtimes and wakings for the elder child and you do bedtime and night wakings for the baby.

BrianTheMole Mon 02-Sep-13 16:17:20

I co slept with second dc.It was the only way I could get any sleep. Dc seemed to sleep better lying next to me. And not having to get out of the bed to feed him made such a difference.

WetGrass Mon 02-Sep-13 16:19:06

Microwave rice was my saviour. I didn't like handling boiling water with DS in the sling - but microwave rice is not hazardous - and actually not terribly junky. We ate it with tinned sweetcorn and tinned fish every bloody day for a while. Then I diversified into a slow cooker (load it up in the morning, run kids round the park all day, dinner on the table 5 minutes after stepping back through the door) - and life started improving.

Also - take care of yourself. Your sanity is a key family resource - nurture it. With this end in mind, make sure to take time out of the house every day - preferably with some adult interaction. Another turning point for me was finding a nice baby group. There were some lovely ladies there. They'd give DS1 a cuddle, and I could give DD some undivided attention. It was also nice to be in a 'third space' - where DD could play without me constantly directing her trying to avoid domestic mess . We all became more relaxed.

impatienttobemummy Mon 02-Sep-13 16:25:37

Nothing to add as ill be posting the same in dec! Reading with interest! Hang in there it's the sleep deprevation talking! I can't remember the first3 months of DS1 I think my subconscious has blocked it to protect me.... In a few months time when your're a pro... You won't remember this! Get a cleaner if you can, I plan to and we can't afford it but sanity comes at a price!

Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 18:12:59

Dh goes back to work in a week and I feel helpless without him. I have an ergo but ds2 just screams in it. I'm finding it harder and harder to make eye contact with ds2 and have terrible feelings of guilt towards ds1. Have no family to help and friends all work and live too far away.

I hate myself for saying this but I regret having a second baby. I literally can't stop crying.

Ds2 is bf and thinking of ff, do you think this would help him sleep better? I feel like a terrible mum and massive fuckng failure.

HeyUGuys Mon 02-Sep-13 18:18:42

Im not sure if there is a special criteria, but i have heard you can get 15 hours free childcare, i know its usually from 3yo but it special circumstances you can get it from 2yo. Maybe ask your hv if its an option for you. At least you could catch up on some sleep

HeyUGuys Mon 02-Sep-13 18:22:09

In relation to ff, if it helps you cope then do it, i know bf is best but having a healthy happy sane mommy is also important. I had to, an i cried the first time i gave ds2 ff, he survived though!

impatienttobemummy Mon 02-Sep-13 18:22:53

Sshhhhh! No you are NOT!! Your Knackerd that's allowed! I got very low when I BF'd DS1 he would never settle and nothing I tried seemed to increase my supply, he never slept as I don't think he was satisfied but this is my opinion. I switched to FF and things got a lot better. If your sure your not going to go on a worse guilt trip for stopping maybe try it or at least let your DH/DP Bottle feed for one night?

I've promised myself if BF with DS2 isn't making progress by 4 weeks I'm switching to FF as I can't go through that again! I'm by no means a baby whisperer that's just my opinion.

Your not a bad mum your a tired one. Big difference

Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 18:58:14

Thank you everyone...given myself a headache from crying so much. Think I will make an app to see the gp if things dont improve/i am still crying this much in a weeks time. I literally locked myself in the bathroom for 10 mins today sobbing while ds1 banged on the door sobbing for me and ds2 screamed in his moses.

where do you live?

I think you need to get out of the house. for a coffee or a baby group or anything. it isn't right to sit in all day feeling awful.

I've got a newborn and a 17mo and that is the bedrock of my coping plan once dh goes back deserts me

HeyUGuys Mon 02-Sep-13 19:10:56

Do you have a swinging chair? That saved me!! And youtube. There is a lullaby that repeats over again, with a screen thats just coloured bubbles. It lasts 2 hours, sends my 11wo off for a while.

kittencuddles Mon 02-Sep-13 19:11:11

Have you heard of the charity Home Start? They have local volunteers who can come in and give you support at home. Might be worth contacting them? X

Alanna1 Mon 02-Sep-13 19:38:26

Call your GP. Try and access whatever help you can. Do you have any - any - any spare money? See if you can get a mother's help (ie woman in the house WITH you, so doesnt need any qualifications- will help you cook / clean / entertain kids / hold baby / whatever) for whatever time you can. (Often at minimum wage). Join the NCT and find another mum like you in the neighbourhood. I found one mum and we would literally cry together as her toddler and my toddler caused havoc as we both tried to look after our babies. But often one of us had a spare hand just when the other needed it.

These were my lifelines in a very similar position to you.

Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 21:27:19

Thank you for the advice, live in a major city so have lots to do on my doorstep, just the thought of wo screaming kids in a pram scares me. I'm a massive control freak and the constant screaming overwhelms me and makes me feel like an utter failure. Walking through the supermarket today I felt as if everyone was judging me for them both screaming.

I don't think I could afford a mothers help unfortunetly.

missmapp Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:33

Agree with cutting corners. Ds1 will be fine- he knows you love him and isn't feeling neglected.

Ds2 will stop crying, but it is hard ( I remember the early days with ds2 very well) I know what you mean about hating the crying and not being able to control it. That is exactly how I felt. I used to put them in the buggy and walk and walk- then id find a park, ds1 would run, ds2 would either sleep or scream , but I was out, and somehow that made things better.

Speak to your gp and ask dh to help by taking one or both out so you get some rest.

it will get better and you are a great mum

Haddock73 Tue 03-Sep-13 07:41:11

Thank you miss don't feel like a good mum at all. Ds's had a good sleep last night which has helped massively but still struggling on getting to grips with doing everything on my own.

If I tak ds1 to the park he needs constant supervision as he's only 21 months so can't play on the sled/swings on his own yet, then I'm either left with a screaming ds2 in pram or screaming in the ergo.

He screams non stop and was awake from 11am-5.30pm yesterday screaming.

Poor ds1 said to me before bed "baby's crying....and mummy's crying...why mummy crying?"

I want to fast forward time to when ds2 is at least 1. I hate this stage and can't cope.

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