2 under 2 - suddenly dawning on me how hard this is

(39 Posts)
Haddock73 Fri 30-Aug-13 14:14:53

Ds1 is almost 2, ds2 is almost a week old.

I don't know if its hormones, baby blues, pnd...but I've come to realise I don't know how I will cope once dp goes back to work. Freaking out. I knew it would be hard but I don't realise it would be not able to cope hard.

Feel like I've made a mistake and ruined ds1's life, and feel like he feels neglected. I physically don't know how to cope with day to day tasks like changing them both, baths, the baby screams when not held if awake and feel so guilty for the toddler.

Any wise words of wisdom? When will it start to get easier? Have I ruined everything for ds1? We were so close before and now he's more interested in daddy. I feel teary and down.

Ok yes it is bloody hard but please don't feel guilty. You do what you must to survive.

Do you have a decent sling?

mumofboyo Sat 31-Aug-13 16:52:37

You've lasted a heck of a lot longer at bf than I ever manged. Feel proud of that. It was 1.5 days with dd before giving up and switching to formula.

Your baby was nourished, sated and settled. You provided that, even if it was from a tin. You did what you felt was best. Do not feel guilty about it.

Hope you managed to get some rest this morning, everything always seems so much harder to cope with when you're tired.

MonstersDontCry Sat 31-Aug-13 17:06:25

Hi op. My DD turned 2 a few days ago and my DS is 5 weeks old. I'm struggling a bit too but i just keep telling myself that it will get easier like everyone says on here.

Do you have a sling? I got one last week and it allows me to hold the baby but still play with DD, which helps me feel a bit less guilty about 'ruining her life.' I know in the long run, she will love having a sibling, just like your DS1 will.

Don't feel guilty about the formula. Your baby is fed and that's the main thing.

You are doing well. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Probably a stupid question, but are you getting enough sleep?

RobinBedRest Sat 31-Aug-13 17:39:20

You can't judge anything by how things are with a 1 week old, they change so quickly and you have yet to recover from the birth. It will get easier.

Do you have any friends/family who can lend a hand. Are there any corners you can cut etc.

Might be worth posting on the bfeeding part of the site too as you will get help woth any specific problems there. Fwiw I don't think 1oz of formula is of any consequence, you can still bf exclusively from here or move over to formula if that will help. Don't feel guilty it is about doing the right thing by everyone and bfing is not the only way to be a good Mum!

Satnightdropout Sat 31-Aug-13 17:56:36

I've got a 6 week old and a 2 and a half year old and I felt exactly how you feel now. My 2 and a half year old is very hyper so a right handful so even though he's a bit older than your eldest he's still hard work. But it's honestly seemed to have fallen into place.
Partner only had a week off and I was dreading it and wished to be back at the hospital where everyone was there to help (even though when I was there I was moaning to get out, lol). I did hear that you get the postnatal blues about a week after which s perfectly normal and goes after a few weeks and that's what I think I had. I think the hardest times is breakfast time and bathymetry /bedtime. But tbh i can only see it getting easier as baby starts being able to sit up, more alert so easier to entertain etc.... I can't stress how important organisation is. I keep on top of everything and don't leave anything till later. And routine. But you'll know that after having a toddler smile Good luck smile

Haddock73 Sat 31-Aug-13 18:00:43

Thank you both....hes been awake for the past 2hrs already so suspect another sleepless night of screaming. I feel sorry for ds1.we had a nice day though so that helped me feel better and stopped crying for a good few hrs.

Do you have a sling? Pop him in that while you do bedtime. If you don't have a sling I can send you one!!

WallaceWindsock Sat 31-Aug-13 18:18:46

It is bloody awful at first. You will suddenly find you've worked out a routine that juggles their needs though - literally overnight you'll feel on top of things. Until then just aim to get through each day. The biggest thing that helped me was being told that its ok to let the baby cry sometimes. DS has 2 bouncy chairs and even when a few weeks old I regularly popped him in there and bounced it with a foot while eating or looking after DD. DD and I can eat a meal in 20mins so I always prioritised getting food into her over the baby crying as DS cried a lot as a newborn. That's what it's all about -priorities. It's ok to let the baby cry for 15mins while you sort out the toddler, get them fed etc.

White noise is good if you need to try and stop hours of crying. I've got a free app on the iPad called Sleep Baby which is good. Encourage the older child to help you look after the baby which will help them bond and give them a role which should help reduce jealousy etc.

It will get easier, especially once the baby can be plonked under a baby gym and distracted with exciting toys etc. Just remember that neither of them will remember if you leave them to cry for a few minutes while dealing with the other one. They might be upset for a short while but a big cuddle tends to fix that. You are doing so well with what is, IMO, one of toughest jobs going. DP used to say that he was proud of me for keeping everyone alive until he got home. So if at the end of the day, everyone has been fed and is still standing then you've done well grin

PoshPenny Sat 31-Aug-13 18:19:38

chin up its very early days yet. I had 13 months between my two and the first year was very hard work, but I'm sure it is whatever the age gap. You haven't had a chance to adapt yet to the new baby being around, once you get the tiniest basics of a routine going, things will start to improve. Is there no grandma type person who can either come and stay or pop in for a few hours sometimes, just to relieve some of the pressure?

Haddock73 Sat 31-Aug-13 18:20:19

creature I have an ergo will that do do you think?

Haddock73 Sat 31-Aug-13 18:25:40

Thank you wallace thats made me feel so much better. I just wasnt prepared for this guilt.

Haddock73 Sat 31-Aug-13 18:28:35

posh have no help other than dh and ds1 is in nursery 3 mornings a week.

Yes. I used a manduca (similar to an ergo) which was great. Do you have the newborn insert?

gutzgutz Sat 31-Aug-13 20:14:16

Can you get a mother's help or similar? I felt the same as you (no help, DM had died, MIL abroad sad) and wished DS2 away for months poor child. Nursery 3 full days for DS1 was my lifeline. I remember crying and crying, plus DS2 was an awful sleeper. Now at 7 months it is a LOT better. Not perfect by any means but better. They are going to be great friends in time, I can already see it happening.

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