I had an ELCS just over a week ago (breech baby) and having problems bonding with baby. I had wanted a vaginal birth, did a hypnobirthing course but due to breech position that all went out the window. I thought I was happy enough with the birth but it's feeling weird now. One minute he was in me, then I was numbed and then he was out. It feels like it could have been any baby they gave me. I didn't get to hold him until recovery.
Was in hospital 4 days and tried breast feeding with lots of help from staff. But he wouldn't latch on. Tried at home with help from midwife but no success. He was drinking formula from a small cup but decided to go to bottles as the cup wasn't a long term solution. I gave up on breastfeeding because he got so distressed when we tried.
We have had lots of visitors which has been fine as I liked having people over. I have healed very quickly from the op. But last night a female family member gave baby his bottle and did his burping etc and it struck me that I'm not even needed anymore. There's nothing that only mummy can do. Nothing special we can do together which is just ours.
I look at him and he doesn't feel like mine. He looks like my husband, nothing like me. I know his looks will change but I feel like I'm looking down at a nephew or a friend's baby.
I miss my baby bump. For 9 months it was me giving him everything he needed and now he's left and everyone else can look after him. My emotions are awful right now. Some days I'm ok but recently all I do is cry.
I've had depression and anxiety in the past, I really hope this isn't postnatal depression as I don't want to go on meds. Tried loads and don't like the way I feel on them. Had multiple counsellors but I don't feel able to open up to them fully. DH is the only one I trust and he does help loads. I just hate being a burden on him.
Ratata i'm so glad to hear you're feeling a little better. There's been so much wonderful advice here, with some fantastic posts from these lovely ladies. You aren't alone with these feelings and I think that's the thing I found most shocking of all - that I could feel this way.
I had wanted a baby for so, so long and loved the entire pregnancy, and was so excited to meet my baby. I read endlessly up on attachment theory and bonding and planned how I was going to have hours of skin to skin and bathe with my baby...and well, just everything was going to be a blissful time learning each other's smell and sounds and getting to know each other. It didn't go that way - the natural birth i had planned turned into a long path of escalation of unnecessary intervention and I was left reeling in shock from a four day labour. I think I was in shock for a very long time - shock from the birth and shock from the reality (and confusion!) of this very-much-wanted baby. I wonder if this is similar for you?
I felt very functional for a very long time, and jealous that DH got to indulge in cuddles. Looking back I feel so sad I wasn't able to cuddle DS for love (he's now 9 months) rather than feeling that I should do it. But I know he needed me, just as your DS needs you. Anyone can feed him, but you are his mother; the one whose smell he knows, the one whose voice he knows, the one whose touch he knows and craves the most. He's known you for the nine months you carried him too. You are not anyone to him - you are everyone. Just be with him, you don't have to do anything apart from just being with him, and you will bond.
I've been thinking about how I bonded with DC1 and taking a bath with her, just us skin to skin was something we both loved doing. I got so when she wouldn't settle I could do it solo but in an evening with DH home it was a bit easier.