First time mum - feeling down

[glossyflower]

Hi.
I am a married new 30 something mum of a lovely 12 week old DD.
My life before baby was pretty busy with work, and generally running around other people, namely my dad who had been seriously ill with leukaemia.
My dad passed away when my baby was 15 days old. Between me and my mum we had brought him home from hospital when we realised his time was coming we cared for him.
My husband works full time but as he doesn't drive it takes him an hour to get to and from work, so he's out for 12 hours a day 5 days a week.
My mum works full time too. I have no brothers or sisters and my husband and I are estranged from his family.
I have friends scattered about the country, no real close friends near by.
My problem is I'm feeling increasingly lonely at home all day with the baby. Come 7pm when hubby comes home and mum comes round for dinner, I'm relieved. Same at the weekends when I can do something other than go for a walk to the shops.
I miss my dad, and sad that he's not around to see my DD and to see me as a mummy.
Did anyone else feel the same?

[mrsmartin1984]

I was in a similar position. I have a little dumpling and my father passed away suddenley shortly before my baby came. I moved to a new area while I was pregnant and knew no one there. My husband is supportive but works very hard. So I was left alone with a new baby who is lovely (most of the time).

I try not to think about the fact that my DD won't ever see my baby, because it breaks my heart. But I try to take the attitude that he wouldn't want to see me sad and would want me to get on with my live.

I have had to make the effort to get out. I go to a mother and baby club and a breast feeding club to meet people. Even tried a bit of baby massage. Having a new baby is a real shock to the system. But it does get better, I promise. And time does make things easier to bear.

[GEM33]

Sorry to hear that op. it's normal to feel a bit blue after having a baby without everything you've gone through. Have you spoken to your health visitor? Ask what groups are on. There is usually something on every day where you can go and meet other mums to get you out the house. The library may do something as well. Ours does story times and even the young babies enjoy hearing stories and singing. You may form friendships through these baby groups I certainly did. X

[BloooCowWonders]

Sounds completely normal.

Is there a NCT near you? They don't just do antenatal classes but often run plenty of things for new mums too. And you don't have to be a member

And give yourself plenty of time to grieve. It's really tough losing a parent especially at such a life changing time

And as any parent will tell you - it gets easier. (Then harder, then easier. Then back again...)

[tudorgirl]

You have had several major life changes in a short space of time, it sounds like you are doing really well.
To help with the loneliness, all I can suggest is try going to baby groups, try as many as you can- some you will like better than others.
I personally found groups with a specific purpose easier to go to in the beginning - baby massage/sing and sign/ swimming etc. maybe speak to health visitor, or pop in to your local children's centre if you have one. Does your area have a Facebook group or buy sell swap? They are usually good for child friendly local stuff.
Is it feasible at the moment for your DH to take driving lessons? That may help the commuting time?
Best of luck!!

[AlisonL1981]

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation.i moved 400 miles to live with my partner when I was 31 weeks pregnant. The weekend I moved my dad was admitted to to hospital. I gave birth to my ds one week later. He was kept in hospital for 4 weeks. When he came home we travelled to see my dad so that he could see his first grandchild. My dad died 2 days after we were there. 8 weeks after I have birth. Ds is now 4 months old and I'm struggling with a lot too. Being so lonely as all of my family and friends are 400 miles away. The hospital put me in touch with a counsellor who has visited me at home 3 times. I found that helped. She recommended joining parent and baby groups to help me feeling so lonely. If you are anywhere near Ayrshire on Scotland I'm always free for a meet up!

[glossyflower]

Hi Alison.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad xxx
Unfortunately I'm nowhere near Scotland, I'm in east of England. Maybe we can stay in touch by email though? I will pm you xxx

[glossyflower]

Thanks to everyone for your messages of support.
There are loads of baby groups in my area, I have joined one that starts with just 8 babies regularly in September and I'm making the effort with the other baby groups too.
I do find it difficult to make new friends, but I'm sure there are other mums out there that feel the same way.
Xxx

[nellieloula]

Glossy, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. But believe me, it is SO much easier to make friends with a baby than I reckon at any other time of your adult life!! Mums will gravitate towards you, even when they are having a crap day, and amidst all the classes and groups you will soon create a strong network of people. And you will be amazed at the sense of community coming your way. Just hang in there - and be brave. One of the best mum friends I ever made, I accosted on her doorstep! babies are a great way of bringing people together and there will be plenty of other mums feeling exhausted and nervous too. But there are lots of fun times ahead. take care.

[itsaruddygame]

No wonder you feel down - I am sorry that you lost your dad. I was worried about being on my own a lot before I had DS as I have always had a busy life and like being around people. I did nct and now go to lots of local baby groups (I found them a tad cringe worthy at first but found I soon gravitated to people that I clicked with). Nct has been fantastic and between that and the activities/groups we do something pretty much every day. If you can find it within you to start going to a few local groups or classes (baby massage is my current fave) I am sure you will start to feel less isolated. Have a look for local groups on Facebook as well as some of our local parenting ones have meet ups. Above all be kind to yourself.

[itsaruddygame]

Oh and what Nellieloula says is true. It's so much easier to make friends with a baby in tow!

[karinmaria]

Hi Glossy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. My mum passed away when I was 7 months pregnant and now my baby is just under four months its hitting me quite how much I miss her.
Do persevere with the mum and baby groups. I've found my local children's centre fab - they have a breast feeding cafe, rhyme time, baby bounce etc. The NCT also has local pram walks and groups.
The women in these groups all have their own stories to tell and you should find some common ground. It might also be worth having lone coffees and cakes in baby friendly cafes - there will be others doing the same and a quick smile and comment on how cute her baby is will start a conversation.
Things will feel better! I have very dark emotional days and, when my DH is on a long shift or on a night shift, these can be crippling. You're not alone.
Be kind to yourself xx

[mrsannekins]

Having felt a lot like you are now (albeit without the loss of your dad, very sorry to hear that), try and get out and give as many thing a go as you can. Lots of baby groups will offer a free trial session as well so there's no ongoing commitment. My local NCT have a facebook page too, and they seem to have something going on every day, mainly based around coffee, cake and chatter, your local one probably will too. You'll find a whole load of people in a similar situation too, and you'll have lots of playdates lined up before you know it.

It might be worth getting in touch with your HV and ask for a referral to Home Start. Their volunteers will come to your home for a few hours a week and can provide a link to what's going on in your area, but also someone to chat to, moan about your day to, and generally have a good old chinwag.

Above you, be kind to yourself. Life after having your first baby is totally bonkers, everything is upside down and it does take a long time to settle down so don't push yourself too hard and take the time to enjoy being a mummy too.