Do your friends who are parents too, make you feel neurotic or careless ?(21 Posts)
Or obviously they could be exactly the same as you.
I ask as tomorrow I am due to see 3 of my closest friends. We all have DC the same age (2.5-3) and 2 of us have 5/6mo olds too. We all share the same profession and have been friends pre-DC.
But they always (very inadvertently) make me feel neurotic about child safety. My DS is ALWAYS poorly and so therefore I do feel a bit more protective towards him I guess. However, for example, they think its fine to put the children in a trampoline, zip up the side and then wander indoors for a coffee. I can't bear to be stood there, waiting to hear the crying and dash out to find out who has bashed heads with who. DS was also severely hearing impaired and consequently speech delayed - so I can't rely on him telling me much.
One of the friends has left her baby to sleep face down on an adult bed too and they've rolled out. They didn't fall far admittedly but she just said "oh dear, bad mummy!" And laughed it off.
I always come away thinking I'm totally neurotic! Just wondered if anyone else the same or I'm an island!
Another example - I will make DS wash his hands before he eats. No one else bothers.
I am not happy about him playing on the stairs is another one!
No you are not alone - I am away with friends atm and their attitude seems to be that the kids should amuse themselves all the time and not bother them ever. I want to hang put with my DC and am finding it very difficult. I'm not used so such negativity about the DC.
Should add that yes, our attitude to hand washing and general safety is treated with
I was discussing this with DH in the car just today. It's the same feeling you have at school when you're the one who doesn't want to try/do the rebellious/naughty thing. I am frequently the most anxious one, and have learnt to just front it out. I am always reapplying suncream, offering water, checking the temperature blah blah.
The way I look at it though is that it is our responsibility to look after our children, as a teacher I have to protect the children in my care, and I extend the same courtesy to my own DS (15mo). Sounds like all your children are pretty young, far too young to be left outside on their own. If they were all 10 I would say maybe time to let them out of your sight!
No sterling advice, just empathy from here!
I think it might depend on your DC? My DD is such a robust little thing - she's been on the 98th percentile since birth, is rarely ill and has always been desperate to do everything herself, so it's easy to be relaxed with her and and let her do her own thing. I would probably feel very differently if she was a more delicate child.
I think I am more anxious about some things, more relaxed about others. I am, admittedly a bit crap about hand washing- tend to forget and then swab them down with a baby wipe at the table. Probably wouldn't leave a bunch of 2 yr olds on a trampoline and go inside for a long time but might wander in and out and if I'm meeting up with friends with children I am hoping that they'll entertain one another so we can chat. However, if we were on holiday then I'd mix it up- some time with dc, some time without. People stress about different things.
Well I am way more relaxed with my parenting than you sound bit I wouldn't care what you did or call you up on it. If everyone patented in the same way the world would be very boring and it doesn't sound like they are doing anything life threatening/abusive/neglectful so I would concentrate on being the best parent you can be in your eyes as I'm sure they are doing to?!
Some of my friends make me feel positively negligent, I often wonder where the balance is between our parenting styles... Others make me feel neurotic...
Both. Either way I feel crap.
I wouldn't hover round a trampoline now but I would have when they were younger. I embarrassed myself the other day when an adult got on the trampoline with all the children and started jumping about and I HAD to ask him to stop. My natural reluctance to sound like a twat and dislike of the fact that I was implying HE was being negligent (he was just having fun with the kids) was at war with the fear that he would land on my dd. The fear won but I felt stupid afterwards and as if everyone was judging me.
I don't bother much with hand washing though. We all have different boundaries. I don't generally think much about what other parents do anymore, it seems to have worn off. Or I just spend time with like minded people.
My view is that I don't need to be there every second to prevent my DS from hurting himself. Otherwise he'll never learn to think for himself and assess risks. However this does really depend on the situation. He's 26mo and not the most physically adventurous so with something like a trampoline I'd probably observe for a few minutes first to see how he's coping.
I'm not too bothered about washing hands before eating but that's probably one of my own bad habits as my mum never made me wash my hands before eating! I'd like to instil good habits in DS though so I do try to remember, but more for that reason than that I think it's dangerous to eat with dirty hands (I eat stuff that's fallen on the floor all the time so I guess I'm just not that bothered??)
As snow says. We all parent in different ways. Mine are 6 and 4 and I'm very relaxed about hand washing, letting them go out of my sight, playing in the front garden when I can't see them etc and perhaps other parents think I'm very lax in that regard. But I don't let them watch Star Wars, Dr Who or the Narnia films! So that's my particular neurosis. Our parenting comes from who we are and reflects our own individual anxieties. It doesn't make me feel careless or neurotic. It makes me remember that we're all different. Do what you think is right, who cares what you think others might think.
If he wasn't so sickly and hadn't been in hospital 3 times already in his short life I might feel differently...
It just seems if its going to be someone who falls down the worst, or picks up a bug etc it'll be DS.
I have high hopes DD may be a different kettle of fish
I wouldn't leave what is essentially a toddler on a trampoline alone. Not would I leave a baby face down on an adult bed.
I know of people who let their toddler in the garden alone, with concrete slabs and a tall slide to climb. No way.
Teaching your child to assess risks doesn't mean you have to helicopter parent - you can watch and then decide how much of a distance is appropriate. So I will more closely watch my 19 month old compared to my 3 year old. He can climb up and down the stairs no problem, I leave him to it, but 19 month old, never (just an example).
Don't feel ashamed or embarassed, you do what you need to to make yourself comfortable.
I could have written your post! Am kind of relieved its not just me. My friends are very relaxed & hands off types and our children are still very young.
I used to go along with things I was uncomfortable with,just to fit in and not look neurotic. This was all in my head btw-if my friends thought/think it they've never said.
Now I parent in the way I am comfortable,but I do feel very much in the minority.
Over the last 16 years some parents have made me feel negligent and some parents have made me feel neurotic. So it is probably not entirely about me
On the whole I am fairly laidback, but I have learnt (more or less) to let it be about dc and what they can do rather than what other people would find neurotic or negligent in the case of their, totally different, children.
The one time I went against my instincts for fear of looking neurotic dd ended up unconscious in hospital with a consultant pursing his lips and looking grave.
No way would I leave toddlers alone in the garden never mind on a trampoline!! Madness!
Baby on a bed. I wouldn't.
I am like you. Neither of my DC have ever been ill or had a bad accident however that is what I am neurotically trying to prevent
I don't care if people think I am neurotic. As long as my DC are safe. They are only small (4 and 2) so it's my job to look out for them. And if other adults find me odd and over protective, I couldn't care less.
Sorry no real advice just solidarity.
Some make me feel neurotic, some make me feel negligent. I figure that I must be getting it about right on average then
You should do what you feel is right.
I get this from almost all my friends on some things I take seriously like rear facing car seats. They look at me with two heads. I don't get them personally! ( but worry what they think and feel neurotic too!)
You sound perfectly sensible to me!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.