Help! Sleep issues and judgemental opinion givers!

(21 Posts)
Caffe1neAddict Thu 11-Jul-13 22:19:43

Hi! In new to mumsnet but really want some impartial advice. My ds is 2 years old but will not go to sleep before 9 at the earliest. The problem is becoming a catch-22; he struggles to get up in morning and I'm tired from lack of sleep as I work full-time and now my evenings are spent trying to get him to sleep! I've done whole gina ford thing to no avail! He falls asleep in car when I pick him up from nursery which is 30 mins drive home and then wakes up and is full of beans when dh gets home, who then insists on playing with him as he hasn't seen him all day- he goes to work later than us so is still in bed when we leave.

Should I get nursery to cut out daytime naps? Wake him up earlier? Or be cruel and ban dh from playtime?

Any advice please ladies!

AnyaKnowIt Thu 11-Jul-13 22:23:18

How much sleep is he having during the day and what time?

Caffe1neAddict Thu 11-Jul-13 22:23:47

His development is fine but I'm struggling to do full time work and be a mummy. Dh has tried to do bedtime routine but ds views him as the fun one and tells him to go away at bedtime! I don't mind being bad cop but causing friction in relationship.

Jojay Thu 11-Jul-13 22:26:49

That 30 min car journey is a killer - it's so hard to keep them awake in the car, then he's bouncing off the walls once he's woekn up.

I'd try and accept that while he has that late sleep, he's going to have a letter bed time, but if Dh insists on hyping him up, he's on his own grin (for bedtime that is, I'm not saying ltb!)

Jojay Thu 11-Jul-13 22:27:12

*later bedtime

rubyanddiamond Thu 11-Jul-13 22:30:18

Any chance your DH could do something calmer with your DS when he gets home - storytime/bathtime or something? Maybe some toddlers can cope with playtime that late in the day, but I know my 2yo DD couldn't, she needs some quiet to calm down before bed.

3littlefrogs Thu 11-Jul-13 22:38:25

IME (feel free to disagree) a proper, well timed (early ) nap at nursery would help to aoid the sleep in the car.

Even more important though is the need to impress upon your DH that stimulating games and hyping up at bed time are are a really bad idea and will have a negative affect on your health and that of your DS.

Dh can still spend quality time with ds, but it needs to be calm, quiet, winding down activities, he can then do bath, story and bed.

Dh is being selfish by prioritising his own wants before what you and your ds need.

Sheshelob Thu 11-Jul-13 22:38:35

Is there a closer nursery?

Ikeameatballs Thu 11-Jul-13 22:40:49

Suggest that dh gets up with you and ds in the morning. Then he can see ds and have some fun time then and be calmer in the evening.

Also agree re timing of nap at nursery.

My DS didn't go to bed til 9 when he was 2. I have sympathy as I was working full time. When he dropped his day nap he slept from 8.

You may find you have to just wake him up earlier and deal with some grumpiness for a day or 2 to re jig his body clock. Hard to do on a Saturday morning when you really fancy a lie in.

It does get better.

Patchouli Thu 11-Jul-13 22:44:34

I agree with Ikeameatballs: dh play with ds in the morning.

Caffe1neAddict Fri 12-Jul-13 07:23:07

Thanks ladies! Ds naps at nursery for an hour at lunchtime (12pm). Dh has been doing some reading with ds but usually after I've had to snap and look like a right grumpy mare! Honestly, they'll be in middle of chasing guide and stare at me with same hang dog expression! I think I'm going to have to sacrifice weekend lie ins and accept short term tiredness. Glad to hear I'm not the only one with a child that won't sleep! I'm planning to move nearer to work so journey time less (can be 45 mins in peak time traffic).

The problem with ds is that he associates daddy with fun games and me with night time so even daddy appearing in doorway hypes him up; but on other side he won't settle with daddy and screams until I get him so can understand why dh feels pushed out and then wants bonding time of play.

Think ill put him on bath duty tonight!

CailinDana Fri 12-Jul-13 07:53:06

So you get up with ds and get him ready while your dh sleeps then bring him to nursery and collect him and do bedtime while your dh just plays with ds and hypes him up?! He has a cushy number doesn't he!

3littlefrogs Fri 12-Jul-13 08:17:31

I think you have 2 children. One happens to be large and adult sized.

You are putting up with being the only one who actually parents at the moment, but you need to think about how things will develop as your DS gets older.

Caffe1neAddict Fri 12-Jul-13 18:19:49

Callindiana and 3littlefrogs- that's exactly how I feel! Even my MIL has commented on it. Hence the friction it's causing. Ds late nights only seem to impact on me- dh then comes home with "so and so at work says ds should be in bed at xxx time" but doesn't actually help me achieve it. Toddlers are hard enough to manage!

Caffe1neAddict Fri 12-Jul-13 18:21:48

Thanks smearedinfoid- that's really reassuring! Made me feel a lot more positive.

Gooders79 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:45:30

On his non nursery days (ie days without the car journey) does he go to sleep any earlier? Sounds like our dh is not being at all supportive or helpful. In a similar situation with our ds we ended up getting external help via a sleep consultant to rectify our situation. We actually didn't really need this but DP wouldn't support me to remedy the situation without it, however was happy to follow someone else who was 'a specialist' and their advice. If you don't want to go down that route I'd try and set up some rules with dh, I've only ever found DP listens to me when I cry and say I'm at my wits end!
e.g. Agree a reasonable wake time (we have a 6:30 rule)
Agree a reasonable bedtime (7pm here)
Agree a wind down routine or process, quiet play, stories bath, depending on what works for you
The fun daddy excuse was used here too but it's just not fair on you and I think he should be sharing the burden, he needs to be doing something to support you with this, not sure on what strategy would really work though... Can you arrange a night out or something so he has to do it on his own?!

other things I wondered...
Does it make any difference if you talk incessantly at ds on the car journey home with bus/bird/plane spotting and the like help at all? Anything that you could do to limit that end of the day sleep might help. We have a couple of nursery rhyme action CDs to help with these situations...
Would he sleep for longer at lunchnap at nursery? My ds will still sleep for nearly 2 hours at 22 mo without it affecting night sleep although I know it really varies between children, some seem to need a lot less, soooo tricky.

Lots of sympathy, no judgement, good luck

Caffe1neAddict Sat 13-Jul-13 00:57:06

Thanks gooders79, that's really useful. Our dh are probably on a dads net forum about women who constantly break down! My dh is same about 'experts'- even if its something I said months ago! (He also telks ne advice of his male friends wheb i know their wives say something conpletely different). I had long chat (actually nag and rant) earlier with him and he's agreed with some ground rules.

As for car- I have all action CDs known to man in there but 2 secs in journey and he's snoring away in back seat! At weekends he can sleep for longer but still has same time bedtime even with whole bloomin bottle of lavender bubble bath; entire library of stories and gallon of hot milk (slight exaggeration but I'm sure you're getting the drift!). Although saying that tonight the little sod has been asleep since 5 as he didn't nap at nursery, as if to prove me wrong (how do they know???).

Hopefully dh and I can crack it!

I did the night out thing recently and dh told me how exhausting it was trying to get ds to bed so he stayed up until 11! I've started to encourage boys days so they can bond more so doesn't have to be just in evenings. Although the thought of booking myself a hotel room somewhere for one night is becoming tempting.... Not least because they both snore!!

Caffe1neAddict Sat 13-Jul-13 01:00:37

thanks

csmm Sat 13-Jul-13 01:10:45

This might sound a bit crazy, but have you thought of an earlier bedtime? When our ds was small he'd take ages to go to sleep when we had an 8pm bedtime and the hv suggested it might be because he was over-tired. We switched to 7pm and it was all much easier.

Agree with the posters who have suggested your dh should do more calming activities and take some more responsibility for bedtimes etc. IMO it's not on for him to be keeping your ds up til 11pm when in sole charge - of course it's exhausting! That's what routines are for. And being a parent involves enforcing those routines

Agh the DH who 'talks' the routine but doesn't do. I know that one too.

Agreeing with the idea of DH putting him to bed, it's painful to listen to but it sounds like you need a break.

Arrange a Saturday night out for you and let him deal with bed time on his own. smile

It will get better.

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