Daddy said to a 2yo "if you don't stop that, I'm going home" (said by ex at mummy's house)

(14 Posts)
ncfto Sun 07-Jul-13 11:29:19

What would you think? It was said as a warning to typical 2yo non-compliant but not problematic behaviour. E.g. time for dinner, stop playing now sort of thing.

My take on it is either -
Daddy will withdraw his affection
Or
Daddy will leave you with mummy

Either way though the clear implication was that the 2 yo wouldn't like daddy to go home so it would be a punishment.

Ex is having contact at my home for his reasons.

BoundandRebound Sun 07-Jul-13 11:32:29

Is a phrase

No biggy

You will say worse

LalyRawr Sun 07-Jul-13 11:34:57

It's a bit like emotional blackmail to be fair.

'If you don't behave in a manner I deem appropriate then I'll leave.'

You can't not be a parent because the kids are being difficult.

ncfto Sun 07-Jul-13 11:39:16

Boundandrebound

I get what you're saying and I might say "stop or we're going home" e.g. at the park. I just feel it's different when daddy lives elsewhere. Maybe not at age 2 fair enough but wouldn't an older child think "ah, that's why he doesn't live here, me being naughty".

Genuine question. I'm trying to do my best.

iheartdusty Sun 07-Jul-13 11:58:31

I agree with you OP, but I also think it's difficult to be constantly on guard about saying the best/ most appropriate thing. After 11 years of having DC I still say things the wrong way, or a message comes out opposite to what I intended, just because in the heat of the moment I expressed myself badly.

also, what parents do matters a heck of a lot more than what they say. I'd doubt that a 2yo could reason from what daddy said, in the way you fear.

LeoTheLateBloomer Sun 07-Jul-13 12:01:40

I think frequency is key here. It might well have been 'just one of those phrases' that he came out with, but just keep an eye on it to see if it becomes a regular threat.

A friend of mine's ex used to tell their 3 DCs that if they didn't behave he'd send them back home to their mum as a punishment sad

ncfto Sun 07-Jul-13 12:14:02

The comment about "just one of those phases" and frequency of this stuff has struck a nerve. If ex has undisturbed sleep and only sees the 2yo for a few hours a week then it should be easier to avoid saying that sort of comment?

Thanks for your thoughts, it's good to hear an outside perspective.

differentnameforthis Sun 07-Jul-13 12:50:40

I don't like it. Implying that daddy will walk away unless the 2 yr displays what he deems "favourable" behaviour.

I've experienced this, my mother (didn't want me so found it hard to love me etc) would withdraw from me emotionally unless I was pleasing her (playing nicely, as I got older, doing household chores, making her cups of tea, buying her stuff) and it damaged our relationship. I felt no love from her & it affected the way I conducted my adult relationships for some time (always spending money on friends, wanting to please them, going to ridiculous lengths to keep plans, going out when sick etc, constantly saying yes when I wanted to say no).

We haven't spoken for 20yrs now.

So no, sorry, I don't think it is "just a phrase". In this context it is lazy parenting & giving in when things don't go your way, at the expense of a small child. And as I said, it can ruin relationships.

matana Sun 07-Jul-13 13:24:45

I don't like it, but may have said worse when extremely frustrated.

ncfto Sun 07-Jul-13 16:03:32

differentnameforghis thanks for your comments, it sounds like you are doing well now. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising.)

Thanks to everyone for commenting, it's helped me think this through. It's quite typical of ex to ignore other's feelings (he suppresses his own and has no empathy). It's maybe inevitable that sometimes this means outbursts seem to come out of nowhere.

GingerJulep Sun 07-Jul-13 19:29:06

TBH it isn't that different to using a timeout/naughty step type thing is it? It is basically saying 'I will ignore you if you do something I don't like'.

Not sure what you do when your DC plays up OP but, presumably as you're prepared to be in same building, you have a good enough relationship that you could just mention, 'Oh, I use bribery/explanation/timeout/whatever when DC does that. Would it be OK for you to do the same so we're consistent?'

That way you could be a little more joined up/avoid the awkward phrase without making any issue of it?

brilliantwhite Sun 07-Jul-13 23:34:19

he couldnt say much else if he was at your house,could hardly say he was taking her/him home, im sure you say things that he finds wrong.

Chloe1989 Mon 08-Jul-13 10:52:29

Sounds like a pretty insensitive bloke. I doubt your 2 year old would've thought anything of it, but if your ex continues to use that threat it needs to be addressed. The poor bairn'll end up too scared to move in case his/her dad doesn't approve and pisses off.

differentnameforthis Wed 10-Jul-13 10:45:59

Not at all patronising & thinks are great now...

I hope it gets sorted for you, op.

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