Making a rod for my own back?(43 Posts)
My 10.5 week old son will not be put down during the day-occasionally he will do 10 mins on his mat and thats it.
I have been told by many that I am creating a bigger problem in the future. I would love nothing more than to put him down so I could get on with some things bug he literally starts screaming (this is whether he is awake or asleep). I left him today to brush my teeth and wash my face and he was hysterical.
People say 'oh you should just leave him etc' but he gets into such a state that I think I must be doing some long term damage/think the neighbours may call social services!
It is getting me down to be honest and I find myself getting cross at him which then I feel so so so guilty about!
Charlotte, is he the same at night? You mention putting him down to sleep - I can't even get that far! Is he only unputdownable during the day?
My 9mo was a 'velcro baby' for the first 6m or so. She is now very happy to sit and play on her own now. I honestly believe she is happy and confident because I didnt leave her to cry. She now knows that Mummy, Daddy, Nana or Grandpa will get her if she's upset or needs us.
I know it's hard, my house was/is a state but I figure I'm investing my time in creating a happy, well adjusted child. Go with it, it won't last forever.
As the mother of another clingy 10 week old, I feel for you! I also definitely agree with the previous advice about trying lots of slings, and also sticking it out while he cries for a few minutes - DS always cries gently for a few minutes in any sling, but then settles down and is very happy (and often naps), and cries again when taken out!
He loves the ergo baby and stretchy slings. My friend has one called the breeze baby, which is a ring sling that you can even take into the shower, if things are really desperate!
I agree that closeness and responding to cries is important when they're still so little. I seem to remember DS was permanently attached to me around that age, though i mostly loved it and it wasn't a problem.
But there are times when you just have to leave them for a very short time - going to the loo is a good example! I don't think it hurts them to be left for a moment in these circumstances. I used to just continue calmly speaking to DS, saying "I'm just here, I can see you and will be with you in a minute". Of course they can't understand what you're saying at that age, but your calm voice will help them understand that you're still there.
And would definitely agree with slings, though DS liked movement even when he was in the sling - so i couldn't eat dinner sat down with him in a sling. DH and I had to take turns to eat dinner!
FWIW, DS is a very independent, outgoing, sociable 2.6yo now. He still loves cuddles, which is lovely, but he is certainly not clingy. I sometimes yearn for those early weeks again! [goes misty eyed]
My little girl was the same, she was constantly wanting to be held & it was exhausting! i feel your pain! But i don't think ur making a rod for your own back. You're doing a great job by the sounds of it by making him feel secure by holding him like he wants, which I've read makes for a more independant child in the long run. My baby girl is 10 months old now & is such a happy outgoing baby, and whilst she still likes to be held lots, she's happy to play and be around others. It's only when she's got teeth coming through that she's been really clingy and screams when I leave the room. I hope your little man starts to ease off a little for u soon so u get a bit of breathing space. Not much help but keep telling yourself this stage won't last forever and try to enjoy it x
My 1mo is exactly the same. The only thing I've had success with is showering - I put her in a vibrating chair in front of the shower and between the noise of the water & the chair, she's happy out. I've taken to leaving her there, shower running, while I get dressed, etc - waste of water & electricity but it gives me a few minutes peace to get sorted!
It's only a problem if it's a problem for you, do you mind carrying him constantly and if he does get used to it do you mind? If you do then try to get him used to being put down I did due to hip problems I have causing pain and the fact I didn't like having him strapped to me all the time but if your happy with it go ahead and do it.
DD was a lap baby, we never really tried to put her down. She is now nearly 3 and still likes to sit on us. She is a normal, outgoing toddler and is active, but when she wants to chill it is generally on a lap. It is hard to tell whether we have trained her to be like this or if she is naturally like it. Friends with similar aged DC comment on it when they see us and generally seem a little envious.
I'd suggest that you enjoy it and feel confident that you are meeting your child's individual needs.
Sounds like your the lucky Mummy of a velcro baby. Boy are they hard work to start with, but they turn into lovely toddlers.
Sling! We had a stretch wrap, but as mentioned above, get to a sling library, and try some out to see what works for the pair of you. About the only things I wouldn't/couldn't do with him in the sling was cook, iron, shower or try on new clothes.
DH used to take DS1 down stairs after his first morning feed, and have breakfast with him, so I could get showered, dressed. Then it was into the sling for walks, shopping, housework - you name it. I lived on sandwiches, and his head got covered in food!
Enjoy the cuddles. My 4 and 2 year olds still come for mummy cuddles.
I think the saying 'making a rod for your own back' is a load of rubbish.
I had to constantly hold my DD otherwise she would scream the place down. I also use to feel how you did. In the end i just accepted that she is at her happiest in my arms and i want a happy baby so i spent days hours/days on end cuddling her. She is now 6 months and i can only get a cuddle when i feed her or when she is starting to get tired, all the other times she just wants to play on her mat or crawl about the place. I really miss my all day cuddles now! I have a wonderfully happy baby and it was worth it!
Oh and you are not a failure. Just follow your instincts and do whats best for you and baby. If other peoples advice like 'oh you should just leave him' doesn't work, don't do it.
My DS1 was like that. He's fine now. What helped us was a cranial osteopath. I remember the first session, the osteo massaged his shoulders and neck and on the way home DS slept in his pram I think he had a headache or backache and lying down was uncomfy
Worth a try?
Agree with all that pp have said, but I wanted to add that my friend's son hated being put down and she found cranial osteopathy (for him) helpful, despite being sceptical about it beforehand.
Wow I want to move to Sweden!
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and advice. Think I just have to be more calm about it and accept that I dont have a particularly smiley baby and that the sling will have to become my best friend! Thanks agsin.
10.5 weeks? 'You're making a rod for your own back' is the sort of idiotic thing that people who have never had to deal with a clingy baby say. You are not making a rod for your own back. Do what you need to do to survive and ignore these knobheads with their useless 'advice'.
Should add, my little one is quite happy so long as he's being held. It's only the putting down that's a problem.
I cope, just about, by watching daytime tv resigned to the fact that I can't do anything until my husband gets in. I also have the advantage of living in Sweden so my husband gets 420 days paternity leave. Thursdays and Fridays he takes over.
i agree with what fortheloveofsocks says. at that age everything is just a phase. trust your instincts, enjoy the cuddles, have him attached to you 24/7, becuase it wont last.. .even though it feels like it might. you're doing brilliantly. well done!
Can I add- needs burped?
But that's my list too.
My sister texted me that list to help me in week 1!
I can't wait until DD can talk & tell me what's wrong. Going to try Makaton even. I hate not knowing what's wrong. And to think those few weeks of crying were hunger- oh my I feel bad about that. But gotta move on.
Everyday is a school day!
Good luck op
DS was like that. First four months of his life he was in my arms ALL the time. Everything else had to wait. It seemed like eternity though. He is nearly 6 months now and happy to play on his own, will let me do all the housework and have a shower. So I don't think I did something horribly wrong, the only thing I may be guilty of is over-cuddling. I could never leave such a tiny baby to cry! He is my first, so I don't have loads of experience with babies but I really think it will get better for you soon.
to clarify - I have a list that I run through:
uncomfortable - clothes, too much/too little
want a cuddle
bored (lay on mat with me next to him to entertain)
over stimulated - older sibling being too loud/in his face
If all the above still come to nothing (which they often do) I just do the standing up, baby on shoulder jig. That settles him for a bit....sometimes
Babies are complicated little blighters
Ha ha yes!
It's crazy- you only figure out what was wrong AFTER you've fixed it.
Anxiety levels, high, moi?
"you've just got to try to figure out what."
and if you ever define what that is, right a book and publish it - you'll be an overnight billionaire
Boysrule I had the same experience- my DD was hungry! Various bf problems at the time. Now she's not hungry & will 'hang out' happily not on me.
OP you could look at whether they are hungry?
If not- just cuddle / do everything 1 handed / do everything very fast.
Try out different slings to see what you both like.
Basically if you look at it like this- your baby is tiny & they rely on you for everything. Crying is telling you something. It could be hunger/ needs changed/ tummy pain/ too hot or cold. Or just wants a cuddle.
This rod business is nonsense. Your baby is a baby animal essentially. It is not thinking logically at 10 weeks. There is no possible way it is manipulating you. It is telling you something, you've just got to try to figure out what.
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