Has parenting affected your mental health? Pt 2 - Shades of light and dark.

(581 Posts)
KingRollo Mon 24-Jun-13 11:28:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youretoastmildred Sun 15-Dec-13 15:45:23

fucking fucking fuck. P bought dd1 a nail varnish set. For fuck's sake. he promised her a reward for something, all vague, thought I was going to systematise and it make the chart and buy the thing, I couldn't be arsed, I put it back on him, he took her into town to buy an unspecifed thing and bought her a fucking nail varnish set. FFS.

Now I am the bad guy because she isn't allowed a. to have nail varnish and spill it all over the house and b. to wear it ffs! She is 4!

I am dizzy with anger and betrayal.
he is behaving like I am a mentalist.

I am now late for where I am supposed to be but I am in floods of tears and feeling sick and dizzy and can't go out. I have let so much go, let so much go every day out of exhaustion or, where it is about me, just not bothering, who gives a fuck about me, not me. This is osmething else, this I can't let go. I feel like a chip chip chip has been taking place for years where things I care about or used to care about have been eroded or trampled on and suddenly I am the mother of a 4 year old whose father thinks its fine for her to wear purple nail varnish on her fingers. what the fuck has happened to me? what is going to happen to my girls?

youretoastmildred Sun 15-Dec-13 13:06:58

hello
I just want to resurrect this to have a moan.
I am appalled by how little patience I have for my children, in fact my whole family, right now. I found myself thinking this morning, "I just don't have any love left" and this horrified me. it is not true - I do love them - but you would never know. the nasty, angry voice in which I sometimes talk to dd1 recently is just vile and I shouldn't be allowed to be a mother.
they are good kids but I can't cope with them.
I don't enjoy anything and they just suck the life out of me and I can't even be arsed to attempt doing anything. This is just crap parenting but I have given in.
We don't eat as a family - 5 days out of 7 they eat at the CM's and the other two I simply cannot be fucking arsed to put good food on the table and be howled and moaned at, dd1 (4) makes a noise as if she is being suddenly tortured when she sees the things I put in front of her and it makes me want to throw the lot out of the window. I don't enjoy food when they are there whining and wanting to sit on my knee and spilling things and so fuck it they are having fishfingers at 5.30 and I give up.
We hardly go anywhere because they will whine that they are tired. Or some other bloody thing. we sometimes go to the park and that is it. nowhere I want to go, because I don't want to go there with them. nowhere interesting, nowhere new. what is the point when it's all just whining.

We have TWO ADVENT CALENDARS which BOTH have chocolate in (unheard of in my day, old buffer, blah blah). Yet STILL there is whinging and anguish every morning because they are slightly different and they both prefer (or purport to prefer to be fucking annoying and have something to whine about) the same one. I am on the verge of throwing them both in the bin. why rot their teeth and not even enjoy it?

I used to like Christmas but I couldn't give a fuck about it this year. I'm done. Everything is shit. IT's a matter of dragging myself through the days. It is supposed to be the opposite with kids. I hate myself, and my black exhausted shitty horrible loveless heart.

that is all.

madmomma Fri 01-Nov-13 10:58:17

May I join this super thread?
I am so pent up. I thought it was just me who found bringing up children so desperately,desperately draining sad
Mine are 15, 3 and 1 and since I got pregnant (accidentally) with the 1yr old I feel that I have literally been in a nightmare (with bursts of joy)
I am deeply shocked and disappointed in just what hellish, ceaseless, lonely work it is. My husband is lovely but fucking useless and I lost my beloved Dad to a particularly horrific death when the baby was newborn.

I was self harming by the end of the last pregnancy, and am still on medication.

I just don't even know where to start.

NewName123 Thu 31-Oct-13 16:30:30

half term nearly over thank god going spare DS is argumentative and rude and I am brain dead and can't wait for some time on my own I can't bear it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fishandjam Tue 29-Oct-13 23:21:13

How is everyone? I'm alternating between waving and drowning, but mostly waving.

murvanutta Wed 16-Oct-13 17:34:17

Berstie, I think is 5 year old to understand you not liking it. I have a DS 5 and DS 2, I have PTSD from past abuse and I cannot handle unexpected touch anywhere, or any kind of intimate touch such as my bum.

I talk to my DS1 about it, I tell him it makes mummy sad when he does that, or I say it scares mummy when he touches me unexpectedly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to him about it. Your reaction is understandable, your feelings completely normal, you don't have to suffer for them just because it's not your son's fault or problem.

My DS1 doesn't question it anymore, he's very matter of fact about it as he is with anything else we talk to him about.. i.e not screaming in the house, or not running off. It's just another rule.

BerstieSpotts Tue 15-Oct-13 21:13:27

I ended up writing a thread about it last night and got some good advice so hoping that will help.

I also realised I've got into really bad habits with DS. You know when they're babies and everyone tries to put The Fear into you about "bad habits" which are usually things like feeding them to sleep or letting them share your bed or eat in front of the TV or other things which are supposed to be the most terrible thing you can ever possibly let your children do, but are actually not important in the slightest, and the very least bad of the bad things you could possibly get into the habit of doing?

Our bad habits are things like I don't make him take his socks off for bed because he likes to sleep in socks, and then it's too much of a battle to get him to change them in the morning so he wears the same socks for about 4 days in a row until I notice they are stinking and make him take them off.

Or I get engrossed in the computer in the day when he's around and wants me to do stuff and I keep waving him away saying "in a minute" or "later" - am addressing this at the moment but I've been doing it far too much sad

I feel all inspired to write a blog post about it (I have a blog called "How to be an adult" which is all about how I fail at being an adult, hah) but I can't bring myself to write it very often either.

Fishandjam Mon 14-Oct-13 22:10:23

berstie, I can identify a bit with that. My DS keeps touching my face and I absolutely hate it - no good reason, it just really irks me! Have you heard of 123 Magic? It works pretty well for me, not least because it's a measured approach that helps me keep my cool. I usually end up yelling and imposing daft punishments when I'm not following the 123 rules.

And you're not useless and awful. Not wanting anyone touching your bum when you have experience of abuse is entirely fair and reasonable IMO.

BerstieSpotts Mon 14-Oct-13 19:29:05

Fuck it, I don't know why I'm hiding it, I may as well say what it is - he keeps touching/hitting my bum. He thinks it's hilarious. I utterly hate it and it makes me want to slap him. I know he's just being 5 and thinks bums are funny, and there is absolutely nothing sexual in his mind but I'm experiencing it like that (prob due to past abuse, TOTALLY my issue, not his) and it's making me feel horrendous and useless and awful for not being able to uphold my boundaries even with a 5 year old.

BerstieSpotts Mon 14-Oct-13 19:11:34

Badvoc I'm sorry, it must be a very difficult time for you.

I had a crappy time today with DS. Decided to go out with him this afternoon but it was just a bad time, over the course of the way home I ended up shouting at him (in front of a policeman!) then screaming in the street blush Trying to get him to stand still and listen and I accidentally knocked him off balance sad STILL continued to do the thing he'd been asked not to do and I ended up threatening progressively. He didn't get to play the game he was promised when he got home. Then he had to go to his room and stay there until dinner and then after dinner until bedtime (about 1.5 hours - far too long but I'd said it so I had to do it) and then the final thing was that I took his sweets away, that he'd used his own money to buy. I know, this is a real no-no, but I had just run out of things to threaten him with and I really want him to STOP doing this thing. It's bad enough that he does it in the first place but him not listening when I tell him to stop, and worse, laughing and doing it purposefully to wind me up, DOES wind me up. If I don't react he just continues until I do, I can't not react because the thing he's doing is naughty in the first place IYSWIM.

Also just to rub salt into my "I am a useless parent" would, he was really upset about the sweets until he realised I was going to take the packet he cared least about, and then he was all generous and laidback about it "It's okay mummy, you can take those ones. I don't mind." ARGH FFS, IT'S A PUNISHMENT NOT A NEGOTIATION!!! angry I was half tempted to switch to taking his favourites but I felt that I'd already doled out enough so didn't want to increase it any more.

DoBatsEatCats Fri 11-Oct-13 08:04:50

Well done DS smile.

Badvoc Wed 09-Oct-13 21:57:16

Ds put 11 candles on my cake smile

Fishandjam Wed 09-Oct-13 20:12:23

Then let us raise a huge slice of birthday cake in his memory!

Badvoc Wed 09-Oct-13 13:27:49

Lots of present and lots of cake! smile

Fishandjam Tue 08-Oct-13 22:37:50

What did he like to do on family birthdays?

Badvoc Tue 08-Oct-13 21:48:22

He was wonderful smile
He and mum were married for 42 years. I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through.
We are all devastated.
Mum got over 100 sympathy cards and the church was packed - something which would have genuinely surprised him.
As my mums friend wrote in her card...."what a kind and gentle man he was".
I miss him so much.

Fishandjam Tue 08-Oct-13 21:40:31

How awful for you badvoc, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to just carry on with life when something like that has happened. Am sending you a really big hug. Please talk about your dad a bit more if it helps!

Badvoc Tue 08-Oct-13 16:24:58

Hi fish.
My dad collapsed and died suddenly on 27th July whilst we were away for a family wedding. Dh and I did CPR but he was gone.
He was just 67.
Later that same day my mum had a heart attack due to the grief and stress. She is doing ok now but on lots of tablets. My sister was abroad and my brother practically catatonic for about 3 days so it was very hard.
In the last 2 weeks it's been my ds2s 5th b day my nephews 10th and mine today and I am finding it hard...so many celebrations without dad.
Added to that I feel pretty rotten generally today...was supposed to be going out for lunch but felt too grotty.
Dh is now home but keeps asking me stupid questions so am feeling a bit stabby ATM.

Fishandjam Tue 08-Oct-13 16:01:50

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry you're having such a rotten birthday badvoc. (Great username BTW!) Would you like to talk about your dad? Or will that not help?

Badvoc Tue 08-Oct-13 07:03:50

Thank you bats x
It's my b day today.
The first without my dad.
I feel very low.

DoBatsEatCats Mon 07-Oct-13 21:23:17

Hi Badvoc - I was on the old thread under another name. So sorry you've been having such a rough time. Really hope your mum's new meds do the trick.

annielewis Mon 07-Oct-13 09:05:47

Morning all, just dropping by so I can find it again when i need it. Was on last one briefly, although can't remember if I got around to posting. Have 1 and 3 year olds and am beyond knackered. Eyes burning tired. Just like a lot of you are!

Hope you all get through the day. Am counting down til DH gets home already, and discovered we are out of coffee. Spare jar turns out to be decaf. Pointless substance. Might cry. hmm

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 08:55:01

Hello everyone!
Haven't been a round for a while...things are pretty tough ATM.
Boys are enjoying their new schools which is great but ds2 has been constantly ill since he started sad off again today.
I can't take another winter like last year. I just can't.
Mum has been back in hospital too, but they have tweaked her meds so hopefully she will be ok for a while now...
Love to all x

dementedma Sun 06-Oct-13 23:09:40

Only just found this thread and wish to God it had been here 20 years ago when I thought I was some sort of freak for feeling the way you all feel. Am nodding away to all of your threads-all so familiar.
Have no wise words of advice except don't have any more of the little buggers and try and survive past the teen years which most of you still have to come so we won't even go there......
Seriously, you have to fight fight fight to retain your identity.do it now while they are little - and yes, I know I'm talking shite because you don't have the energy/time/money - but if you carry on down the mother=worthless slave route, it is fucking hard to break the mould that is setting around you in later years. Even if its just one lousy thing that's just for you...book club,swimming, walk round the block. Invent a club, get in the car and sleep in a carpark every Tuesday from 7_8pm. Start the fight back now before being X's mum becomes all you are and the little voice inside you which is already a whisper saying "but what about ME?" is silenced for ever.

Fishandjam Sun 06-Oct-13 22:50:00

Bumping from me too. I'm in bed with a brew of hot Ribena and the latest copy of Private Eye, enjoying the quiet before DD wakes again...

Best wishes and hugs to all.

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