Has parenting affected your mental health? Pt 2 - Shades of light and dark.

(581 Posts)
KingRollo Mon 24-Jun-13 11:28:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingood Mon 24-Jun-13 11:34:29

smile

Nap-time has gone in a flash, think I'm hovering in the shade at the mo

<waves to all>

KingRollo Mon 24-Jun-13 11:47:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biscuitsareme Mon 24-Jun-13 11:47:38

Hello! This is such a great thread!

KingRollo Mon 24-Jun-13 11:47:45

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KingRollo Mon 24-Jun-13 11:48:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meglet Mon 24-Jun-13 11:51:02

Makking my place. The other one filled up quick didn't it!

Feelingood Mon 24-Jun-13 12:15:03

<flicks switch on> well really I've not done anymore Uni work, I've just gave DD her dummy and switched to disney channel. Im going to see what I can get done in the next hour, as long as DD doesn't come along and try to shut laptop like she did earlier!

kingrollo yes we did. it all moved to divorce very quickly such was the intensity of anger and hate on both sides. That Christmas was the worst ever. But then I had calmed down and started to accept my part in it all (i had become a controlling neurotic bitch but in my defence it was in response to his outward view he seem to have all the time) when he realised I had calmed down properly, he said he wanted to date properly and see if we could just be in each other's company. It took a lot of never - on our first date it was great so much fun and he said everything i needed to hear in the first dew minutes. But then after that I had to be patient he was more measured and we worked through stuff much better slowly, so took another six months after that. We are very happy now, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone as its awful to go through but for us it was worth it - but I'm saying that from a the vantage point of being happy in my marriage.

One of the things we reestablished is a respectful way of speaking to one another even when we need to say 'stuff'. For me personally I had to accept a greater responsibility for my own day to day happiness and not rely on him to cheer me up or make me feel better all the time (I suppose I was quite needy for a time and downtrodden) Whilst he had to refocus his time and energy on the family and spending time with me, being there properly. It was the most stressful thing I have ever been through and I lost two stone in weeks. Just awful as I felt my everything had fallen apart and it broke my heart for DS who was so little at the time.

It can be hard to break habits of patterns of communicating. Just this am I found some hideously stacked dishes in the dishwasher, in the past I would have fired a nasty little text off to DH - now I still swear a bit to myself but I've learnt to let some stuff go, he did try to help so much and really pitched in at weekend. I think recently he has realised how difficult DS is to get ready for school and just how much 'stuff' I have to organise for him e.g outfits/fancy dress, money and slips, homework, reading etc

Just my views - gosh epic posts today!

Ledkr Mon 24-Jun-13 12:18:43

Marking place.
Been at work since 9 and so far have read emails had two drinks a big wee and a biscuit.
Lovely. Nice to be at work lol.

Ledkr Mon 24-Jun-13 12:19:58

I have dd going to secondary and agree that I just can't face all the meetings and uniform purchase.
Don't want the bother and hassle.

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 12:53:36

Ledkr.
That's just how I feel.
Exactly.
Just can't be bothered and that makes me feel like a terrible mother.
A friend just phoned and is coming to see me tomorrow afternoon. I can forsee tears (from me) but I think I need to talk to someone about a shitty things have been.
It's meatballs and garlic bread for us tonight...then strawberries and ice cream after.
Weds is pizza night as we have ds2s induction evening @7pm and it's bath night too so all got it be done by 6.45pm.
Thurs is oven chips and fish and peas.
Summer hols are nearly here and I am starting to panic slightly...what am I going to do with them for 6 weeks feeli like this!?
Dh has agreed - for the first time in our marriage - to have 2 weeks hols.
Then he said last night "if the weather is bad there is no point me having the other week...I will have it later..."
Sigh.
He hasn't really grasped the point, has he?

curryeater Mon 24-Jun-13 13:05:21

Oh god Badvoc, is he for real? If the weather is bad "there is no point"? Yes, because when the weather is bad children just go and sleep in the airing cupboard.

I too can't be arsed about the whole school business. Part of me still hopes dd1 might get a place at the school we wanted, if our change of address makes a difference. I phoned the school secretary to find out where we are on the list, and at our old address, which their records still show, we are 9th. I had to stop myself from saying breezily "oh, so we only have to kill 8 children then - not too bad". I don't think this would reflect well on us as a family.

School guilt is ridiculous. I met a parent over the weekend whose daughter goes to the school dd1 does have a place at, and she loves it. The grounds are beautiful, huge, with mature deciduous trees, a million miles nicer than anything I have ever seen in London. They have a vegetable patch and a flower garden they have planted, and lovely outdoor play equipment. Yet I am hankering after the other school, with the same ofsted rating, and not nearly such nice facilities outside, because people keep looking pityingly at me when I tell them dd1 didn't get in. Is that why? Or for some better reason? Or for the extremely stupid reason that dd1 says she hates the school uniform colour of her school, and wants to wear the colour of the school she did not get a place at (not even because she wants to go there, or knows about any of this at all, but because it is coincidentally the same colour as the childminder's daughter's school uniform, at a different school). I have to sort out my feelings about this in case we do get offered a place and, good heavens, I have to choose! What a privileged position to be in.

Haven't got childcare for September. Can't find any-ARGH

Moving on Friday - in denial - ARGH

Still - feeling fine. dp did a ton of childcare over the weekend. We're working together, or he is doing more than me. Really appreciating it. Really feeling like we are a team.

sorry to gloat

have a good week, all. Thanks for the new thread, Rollo

OddBodd Mon 24-Jun-13 13:59:44

Wow thanks for the new thread KingRollo will be back on here ranting later!

Moominsarehippos Mon 24-Jun-13 14:02:02

Sleep deprivation. That's enough isn't it?

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 15:27:14

Blimey curry...good luck with the move!

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 15:30:21

...and I will use your airing cupboard analogy later!

OddBodd Mon 24-Jun-13 16:15:04

Grr the 'there's no point' in taking the 2 weeks off if the weather is bad comment has made me angry ! It sounds like something my DH would say. This isn't a dig at men in general but sometimes I do feel like DH really doesn't 'get it' He doesn't 'get' how terrified I am at the thought of another 6 week summer holiday like last years. It was hideous. DS1 was bored. DS2 was still in his crying phase (nothing's really changed there, except for now he's mobile and into everything, including all DS1's toys), I was so frought yet bored the whole time and DH only tool 4 days off the whole time. I was self harming due to frustration and actually ended up with a counsellor and on antidepressants during those 6 weeks. I just don't think I can face it again.

Anyway, I will read through this latest thread properly later and hopefully get chance to write more (perhaps it'll be less me me me <<guilty>> ) Hang in there lovely people.

curryeater Mon 24-Jun-13 16:34:08

OddBodd, each time I had a baby I found dp didn't "get it" and then each time, once the baby was older, we managed my return to work by dp doing some full time childcare (2 days a week with dd1 and 5 days a week, that is full-full time, with dd2). Each time it radically changed everything.
ok if I wanted to I could be bitter that each time I handed him a big, confident, communicative, sleep trained, food-eating baby that he never had to breastfeed, so the long dark 4am of the newborn lifestyle passed him by. But bloody hell it makes a difference having someone on board who has been that person pushing the goddamn swing in the rain with no one to hand over to till gone 7 pm.

I wish everyone could do that, by law.

Sorry to hear about the panic. Really sorry to hear that.

Please don't discount whatever you do to get by as "not proper parenting". I think we have a habit of thinking whatever is working doesn't "count" because it's petit filous or tv or keeping them in separate rooms or something and you are thinking it's somehow "cheating". It is not, it is goddamn coping.

Good luck

Thanks for the good luck Badvoc!

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 16:50:29

Well ds2 has spent at least an hour on his iPad this afternoon...sad I did try to get him outside but he wasnt interested and frankly, I haven't the energy to argue.
Dh has just taken them swimming for a while so I have just done the dinner prep.
He also watched a bit of a dinsosaur DVD whilst drawing and colouring.
Odd...I'm so sorry. But I totally get the feeling of terror about summer hols..especially if its going to be rubbish weather sad
I can take them swimming (til end August when wr cancel our gym membership) and they both have bikes but I can't ride and watch ds2 at the same time. We have a trampoline and a badminton set...hopefully will be able to use those.
I will be begging my dad to take us out for a couple of day trips!

Feelingood Mon 24-Jun-13 16:54:22

Oh look, i'll say it they feckless SELFISH hairy arses sometimes aren't they!

Its the old I' still tumbling in the porch lade with swimming bags etc and DH will already have been to loo put lounge pants on with a cuppa and iPad open.....i don't know how he does it.....

Feelingood Mon 24-Jun-13 17:24:05

Ok just off the top of my head these are my ideas for summer hold, they may help someone:

Swimming (free as in with gym IYSWIM) some councils have free swim passes available.

Parks are your best friend - I do drive to a range of large different parks all with different features and I take a picnic each time: Im in west midlands btw: Sutton, Cannon Hill, Sandwell Country Valley, Badgeridge, Chasewater all have different features sandpit/railway/ farm.

Library - there are three different ones all with different craft stuff one etc and reading challenge

Museums - always craft stuff on for a pound, we take sandwiches to always.

Check out your local fee paying stuff sometimes you can pick up a annual pass thats not too bad to fall back on - this year I'm investing in a Sealife centre for £40 as you get one free entry into alton towers too. Tesco vouchers for bigger attractions

I rarely gotO soft play - I think its hell on earth.

Look out for family viewing on Sunday am at cinema sometimes you can get tickets for £1.50 ish

Indoor picnics
Junk Modelling
chalks on path outside

Sometimes it s easier to have a little friend round too so they busy (out of my face tbh)

I feel very tired and have given in to so much re standards - DD has sleep suit on and has oly been out for school run, we've had donuts from shop as I was too tired to argue but lasagne in the oven. I have done kitchen a bit.

my uni work....<sigh>

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 17:34:38

I agree wrt soft play feelinggood....my ds2 has never been to one and he is 5 this year! smile
We don't do tesco vouchers.
Dh has told ds1 we can have a weekend in London in August.
First week of summer hols we are off to Northumberland - I am praying for decent weather!

Feelingood Mon 24-Jun-13 18:05:06

oh really badvoc I'm from up there and we going on holiday there end of August to a holiday park, its our cheap to break the 6 weeks up.

What are you planning to do in London? - have you been to natural history museum to see dinosaurs, would your DS like that?

Worth walking along afterwards and having fresh frozen yoghurt top floor of harods lush with fresh fruit...

Badvoc Mon 24-Jun-13 18:33:48

We are staying on a farm and there is a beach you can walk to smile
Want to go to Alnwick, lindisfarne etc...always wanted to go.
Not sure about London...need to speak to dh about it...
We are off to chessington on Sunday!

MacMac123 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:47:45

Hello! Phew thought I'd lost you all for a sec!

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