Could I love a second child the way I love my PFB?

[Thesunalwayshinesontv]

We are thinking of TTC DC2. Am excited at the thought of twice the joy that I currently have with DD, but also slightly worried about loving the second one differently from DD. For example, I had oodles of time with DD as a newborn, and sang to her, cuddled her, bf her...life revolved around her. Given I am the least tactile and physically affectionate person in the world, this was remarkable and I was totally bowled over by my own instinctive behaviour.

I really feel all the above has contributed to the intensity of my feelings for DD, and am now feeling worried that I won't have the same for DC2. How will I have time to gaze into its eyes like I did with DD? How can I spend that time allowing it to sleep on me after a bf in those early weeks and months? How can DC2 be anything other than the child that fits around DD at least to a certain extent? I know DD will need to share me too, and frankly that will probably be in her best interests I think, but I'm feeling so pre-guilty that DC2 just won't get the same from me that DD did.

I guess this is normal being the second one (which is what I am to my parents), but am struggling a bit accepting the "fairness" of this. Am I being ridiculous??

[PogoBob]

Quick post as putting 5mo DC2 to bed but the short answer is yes!!

[CreatureRetorts]

A little bit

But my god you will love your next one as much as the first. The early months are hard as you have to split your attention and you will feel guilty that you've somehow ruined things for PFB. The guilt was awful for me as my second was a demanding baby.

However when you see them both play together, it's a wonderful thing. My two are 26 months apart and it's hilarious watching them chase each other for kisses, ds asks for his sister when he wakes up, dd asks for her brother when she's going to bed. She copies him, he teaches her new words, they bring each other so much joy (oh they do fight though!)

I have a brother whom I was close to growing up so I'm a bit biased but I think siblings are ace.

[youbethemummylion]

Yes you will. I was so scared having Ds2 that I just couldnt love anyone as much as Ds1 but you can and you will. Please dont waste time worrying about it.

[debbie1412]

I also wondered this we are now nearly 8 months in. And yes yes yes. !

[smoothmoves]

I felt exactly the same with my first dd. Then I had ds and my heart and love expanded to fit two. Six months after he was born I was unexpectedly pregnant again with dd2. Never never expected to love her, even a bit, but guess what? The heart has infinite expansion powers and I love them all intensely and equally.

It's incredible and unbelievable until it happens to you. And it will. Good luck ttc x

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Yes. I can't quite explain to you how (much as you probably couldn't understand how much you love your PFB before she came along) but you will

[LondonBus]

Yes, and a third!

I felt guilty throughout my 2nd pregnancy that I would love my new baby as much as I loved DC1. I felt it wasn't right to bring a child into this world that I didn't love as much.....but guess what.......I loved my new baby just as much. And at times DC1 seemed really rude and smelly compared to my sweet perfect newborn. (Now they are both rude and smelly)

[deemented]

Exactly what PP have said.

Your love expands to fit, it doesn't divide at all.

And you'll come to love DD even more when you see her being a 'big sister'. It's an amazing thing.

[Chubfuddler]

Yes you will.

When I was pg with dd I thought yes I will love this child and look after her and be a good mother to her but secretly there is no way I will love her like I do DS, but she will never know it will be fine.

Coup de foudre

Right there in theatre

The heart expands. Love isn't measured. It isn't in finite supply to be eeked out. There is more and more and more.

[SacreBlue]

Thank you sun for this thread! I had considered myself too old to have another DC unsuitable partners notwithstanding but meeting some of the fab forties mums made me wonder if there may still be a chance

What would hold me back, medical/age related issues aside, is the fear I would not love a new baby as much as my DS. I had him on my own and have raised him myself (my family and friends being wonderful but no contact with F or his family)

We have such a tight relationship I never thought I could love another child the same - even imagined leaving any new DC with a DP to be SAHF rather than be the mum I have been to my DS - so going to watch posts with interest hope

[NutsinMay]

I read a book called "Your Second Child" by Joan Solomon Weiss which was very interesting and confirmed that "secondborn babies were talked to less, touched less, looked at less, and played with less than were firstborns"

However,... second children had one distinction: They were held more than babies of any other birth order".

Your life will still revolve around your DD but DC2 will accompany you everywhere(hence being held more I assume) and will greatly benefit from being introduced to all those wonderful child-centred experiences. The first child just has it's parents but the second child has it's older sibling to look up to, admire and eventually play with.

I say this as a mother of two who had a terrible problem with sibling jealousy for about 2 years but now has two children that love playing together most of the time.

Believe me you will gaze into your baby's eyes and actually you might find yourself falling slightly out of love with your first DD for a while( this may be hard to hear but it can happen as older children quite often get very difficult towards the end of pregnancy and while adjusting to the new baby- they know their life as they know it is changing at some level.)

If you get a sling and let your baby sleep in that most of the day( I loved my Moby), you can play with your DD and be close to your baby all day.

And you know I love my first DD and we are very close but she was a very difficult baby and very sensitive and not much of a cuddler- it wasn't really until my second DC2 came along that I really knew what it felt like to be loved back overwhelmingly and I wouldn't have missed that experience. So DD2 definately doesn't think I've loved her any less than DD1 because I get it back in spades.

It's only when you have your second that you realise how much is down to personality and how different they can be and that in itself is fascinating. What your second child misses out on is nothing compared to what they gain.

[gerbilsarefun]

I think everyone asks themselves this question, you just can't imagine having the same feelings for a second child. But you do, and you are a lot more relaxed because you know what to do. I felt so sorry for my dd, the day I was induced with dd2, knowing her life was going to change, but she took it all in her stride and never really felt jealous, although she didn't take much notice of her sister for the first year. When dd2 started walking, dd1 suddenly realised she had a playmate and nearly 12 years later, they get on really well.

[missmapp]

Yes you will love them as much

No, you won't have as much 1 on 1 time with dc2 BUT they have an older sibling, which the first one doesn't have.

Ds2 laughed his loudest and longest at ds1 when he was a baby, his eyes were always looking for him. Now they are older ( 8 and 6) they fight,yes, but also play and laugh and hug. Ds2 always looks for ds1 before anyone else.

So, in short, no , the second dc doesn't have as much mum time, but they have something equally as valuable!!

[Thesunalwayshinesontv]

Aw, thank you so much for these answers. They have made me well up! I can't believe I might be able to get the same kind if feeling again (fingers crossed). And more with DD becoming a big sister.

I guess the thing that you are all saying is that you feel the same intensity of feeling for your second (and subsequent) children, although it may not come about in the same way as the first time round. Which is hugely reassuring, as I can see how that might come about.

Thanks again. Now onto the fun stuff

[proseccomecca]

And you know what, you might even find yourself feeling that you actually love the second one a little more and feel guilty that you don't love the first one as much any more. This motherhood lark is a complete headf**k!

I was knocked out by my new baby and suddenly felt very protective of this fragile thing - my toddler looked like a giant and I was truly worried that they may damage the baby. If you had asked me whether this was humanly possible before the birth of my second child I would have thought you were mad.

I still feel guilty that another love kicked in and was even more powerful because it wasn't tempered with all the anxiety of dealing with a first born