How can I stop being "Shouty Mum"?

(9 Posts)
DorisShutt Sat 18-May-13 10:12:20

DS is 2yrs 7months and is generally a good boy with everyone, bar the usual toddler squabbles.

I am told he is a delight at nursery (although I suspect they always say that unless your child is like Damien from the film!), DH has no issues with him when he takes him out.

However, with me it's a different story and he will not stop pushing the boundaries (and again I know that this means he feels safe and loved etc, so it's a good thing) and I end up being shouty mum to get him to do anything. sad

I've tried reasoning, 123 magic, time outs, distractions; but nothing works. The problem then becomes that I get annoyed, he gets worked up and it becomes a cycle.

DH has noticed and commented on this and got his head in his hands to play with because he only sees the "good" bits of DS as DS does miss his dad when DH is at work; DH does the bath/bed time, so only sees him for 1-2 hours a day when DS is tired or at weekends when we do "fun" stuff as a family so DS behaves. I get the joy of wrestling him round a supermarket (shopping now being delivered so that's sorted!) or trying to get to nursery when DS won't co-operate.

So, how do I stop shouting, and how do I stop feeling resentful that DS doesn't listen to me?

SecrectFarleysNibbler Sat 18-May-13 10:25:07

I would leave him to it for a whole Saturday! Would do you all good! Break for you, Reality check for him and your DS sees dad in another light.

It's only 10.30 - ....is that the phone ringing with a girlfriend in desperate need of support that you really must attend too?????? lol!I'd do a runner right now!! go! go ! go!

Judyandherdreamofhorses Sat 18-May-13 10:28:21

I've had a problem with this recently, and felt I was not being the kind of parent I wanted to be. I've posted about it a few times.

I downloaded the book 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting' and have just started putting strategies from it into place. It's nothing short of miraculous so far.

However, I agree that it would be good for your DH to do the hard bits too.

DorisShutt Tue 21-May-13 09:29:37

Sorry, managed to hide this thread! <curses thick fingers>

Secret I do leave DH with DS for a whole Saturday; the issue is not really with DH exactly, it's the fact that DS is so excited to be with DH that he will do whatever daddy asks of him. For example, if I try to change his nappy, DS legs it and won't sit still, but DH tells him and it's good as gold time (and to be fair, nursery say they have no issues with him either, so it's maybe just me!)

DH is a very hands on dad when he is here, but due to work/travel commitments he sees DS for maybe half an hour in the morning and maybe 1-2 hours at night, that's just life. On the other hand, I am with DS (when he's not at nursery) all day from about 6.30am until bed at 7.00pm (DH does the bedtime routine).

Weekends are family time, and (as I say) DH does take DS out to give me a break, but it's fun time together (park/soft play/beach), so DS feels less inclined to resist. I have the weekly stuff to do - washing, cleaning, food prep (which I do try to involve DS in, but it's not that simple all the time), so it's not all fun and games with me.

I think it's more about me being consistent with DS and not getting shouty which just gets his back up and results in more resistance, and thus more shouting - for example, we attend a weekly gymnastics class for toddlers, and he loves it, but he doesn't want to stop playing with his toys to get dressed and go. I give him warnings (10 minutes and you need to get dressed, 5 minutes etc), I give him options (picking clothes to wear), but it always results in a refusal to get dressed, screaming (him), shouting (me) and running late (both of us!).

Judy I've had a quick look at that book and it seems to be what I'm after! I've downloaded it to my Kindle and if I ever get a chance to stop for a bit, then I'll have a read. Thanks for the recommendation.

MaryRobinson Tue 21-May-13 13:44:12

Playful Parenting is another great book. I think ul timately it is about finding out why, within yourself, you persist in doing the stuff that you know doesn't work- and which actually exacerbates the problems.

Children will model the things that the adults around them do, so if you are shouty and aggressive then that's what will be reflected back to you.

henrysmama2012 Tue 21-May-13 18:34:40

If it helps (although it probably drives you nuts), your little one sounds very secure in pushing the boundaries with you as he knows you will tell him whats what and maybe he enjoys that feeling of security? Bottom line is he is safe and obviously well adjusted and happy so you must be doing a great job.

DorisShutt Fri 24-May-13 07:10:26

Well, just a quick update.

I downloaded the Calmer Parenting book and read it. It's amazing! I've only shouted at DS once in the last two days and that was a "stop that's a road" shout hmm. I do still want to shout, but am trying to stop myself and then ask him why he shouldn't be doing that or why he should be doing something. He's a bit little just now for full scale "talks" at random times I think, but it seems to be good for setting him up before we go out/have to do things. So "here we are at the supermarket, how are you going to behave?" works mostly.

I've also downloaded the Playful Parenting so am hoping to give it a read over the weekend.

thanks thanks again!

PipPipPip Fri 07-Jun-13 23:17:10

Yes, great idea to ASK your kid what they think i.e. "how should we behave in the supermarket?"

Another trick is to demonstrate good behaviour i.e. "watch how mummy is gentle with the puppy" rather than just yelling BE GENTLE WITH THE PUPPY FOR FECKS SAKE!

MummaBubba123 Sat 08-Jun-13 06:33:10

I bought the CD version of the book '1,2,3 Magic'. Reeeeeeally helped!

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