Baby blues with no 2

(13 Posts)
philbee Thu 16-May-13 11:59:43

Thanks! smile oddbod I meant to say that that sounds very hard. i think people are quick to coo over new babies without acknowledging the difficulties. I dont find new babies all that cute, and people who do don't seem to want to acknowledge how hard that stage is. But you're right, thinking about whether it was right or not jut gets me more upset. This is the reality and things will improve, we are only three weeks in. I keep telling myself that in the first week I couldn't see how I was going to get showered and wash the baby during a day, and now I manage both every day, so things do get more manageable, don't they?

minipie Thu 16-May-13 11:51:14

*moany

minipie Thu 16-May-13 11:51:01

You're allowed to moan, it's not a competition! grin I've only got the one and feel pretty many about it a lot of the time...

philbee Thu 16-May-13 11:48:55

Minipie - that's what I'm hanging on for really, and I keep saying to DD1 it will be easier when DD2 starts to respond more.

DD1 is at school, so I don't have them both all the time - I feel like a fraud now, I'm sorry. But I do feel like I've just ruined my relationship with her. She is fairly affectionate to the baby, but now mostly ignores me or wants to play games I can't play while holding / rocking / feeding. We have had so mnau visitors who have entertained her she's not happy watching tv any more. We were getting on really well before the baby was born and I feel it's all been a mistake really and we'll never get that back now, that's what upsets me most. And it's just lonely at home with a baby, and sleepless nights and no conversation aftet being used to soing things with a much more responsive child. Anyway, am just moaning and I haven't got it as hard as you all had, I'm sorry.

RichInBunlyGoodness Wed 15-May-13 22:17:45

It does get easier. I have dd 3.5 and 12 week old DS and we're starting to find our feet. DD was v unsettled to begin with but has gone from saying how can we get rid of DS to announcing they are getting married. Her being more accepting of him has helped and I am in some sort of routine with the two of them.

The thing I found most helpful was someone on here (sorry don't remember who) saying you find it hard because it is hard. I felt like I was failing in the early days because I was struggling but its a big adjustment and you will get there it just takes time.

Agree with Savoy - congratulate yourself for managing even seemingly little things; just getting out the house with two is an achievement. Also go to bed early for a while. I know its rubbish having no evening but everthing seems so much harder when you're tired. <really must follow own advice on that one>

OddBodd Tue 14-May-13 21:02:30

I struggled going from 1 to 2. (I actually struggled with the baby phase first time round actually, but second time round with having a 4 year old and a screamy newborn, was worse. Almost unbearable!)

Please remember you aren't the only one who has/ is feeling this. I remember everyone telling me it would be much easier with our second, I'd know what I was doing, baby would be more relaxed, I'd find it all would come so naturally.

In reality it wasn't like that at all. It didn't come naturally. I found it all very stressful. I'd forgotten a lot of the baby stuff with DS1 and found it very very hard going back to sleepless nights, nappies and hours of soothing a tiny baby indiidual who I didn't know yet.

It was all made worse by feelings of guilt about missing my time with DS1 and worrying about ruining his childhood. Not to mention that DS2 cried all the time so this cute little baby brother DS1 had been expecting, turned out to be a howling, non sleeping, stress inducing ball of colicky rage.

I remember crying a lot and trying to hold everything together. Trying to make DS1 feel like nothing had changed when in reality everything had changed. It was horrible and I went into over drive trying to make DS1's life 'perfect' so he didn't feel he was missing out because of the baby. Many of times I cried and wept on DH saying I didn't know why we'd ever wanted to do it again. We'd ruined our family etc etc etc.

Anyway, the truth is I think somewhere in those first few months I slipped into PND. I did go to the doctor, I did tell people how bad I felt. I got help but it still wasn't easy. I'm not saying this is the case for you or that you're depressed but what I am saying is that going from 1 child to 2 children was by far harder than having just DS1 so I understand completely your feelings.

Please try and go easy on yourself. Take care of yourself and give your body time to heal and your hormones a chance to calm down. Try not to dwell on feelings of 'did we do the right thing in trying to have DC2?'.

Probably not what you want to hear but DS2 is 16 months old and STILL hard work and whingy. I often find myself counting down to his bedtime so I can have a few moments with DS1 without him climbing all over us and whining. However, I know it is temporary. I only have to look at DS1 now age 5 to realise that they grow up fine eventually! It will be worth it. You will be fine and you CAN do this.

If someone would have told me 16 months ago that in 16 months time I'd be sat having quiet evenings with DH to mumsnet with both boys asleep after a successful day with minimum tears from DS2 and lots of one on one time with DS1, I'd never have believed them. I really thought I'd never make it and I was clinging on by my fingernails.

Somehow things do get easier. Sometimes all of a sudden like people say after a few weeks. Sometimes so gradually that you almost don't notice it but slowly but surely, your family will get through this and you'll be stronger and have that other little person in your family to love.

Sorry for the essay!

Savoytruffle Tue 14-May-13 14:25:15

We're at 23 weeks with dc2-dc1 has just turned 4.
It does get better bit by bit I promise.
Its such a shock to the system with your first but by god, its tough those early days. And for me those early days, read a good few weeks/ months.
My state of mind improved with lowering my standards - cbeebies and films have featured highly, telling myself that a 'normal' day is very hard work caring for the kids, without housework, cooking meals, shopping etc.
If we do anything else - get to nursery, go out for a walk, go shopping, doctors appointments, its bonus time on top of the essentials. Congratulate yourself if manage anything beyond the essentials!
For me these have been:
priority one - children fed, in dry nappy/ pants and clean clothes.
Priority two - me- fed and watered - crabby mother not good
Priority three - milk - whether bf or formula. If bf, take care of your nipples, be careful to get a good latch, despite leaping round hither and dither. if sore, don't ignore it. if using formula, get into a sterilising routine with your bottles. Use cartons if its easier for you in the early days.
Priority four - me -post labour recovery. Take care of yourself, change maternity towels regularly, and have a bath daily - its easy to get sore/infected if you don't nurture yourself a bit too.
Priority five - easy food - ready meals, quick to cook options, eg egg on toast, lots of fruit, mr kipling cakes. Make a list with dp and he/she can refer to it each time they go shop.
And it does get better, it does get better it does get better xxx

minipie Tue 14-May-13 10:24:18

hang on in there till 6 weeks - once you get the first smiles from your new LO it will seem more worthwhile, even if it takes longer than that for sleep to return... I think the novelty factor and pfb obsession gets you through the early weeks with your first so it must be harder with the second as that isn't there! but one they start smiling and interacting more it's better.

philbee Tue 14-May-13 05:34:43

it goes quickly

philbee Tue 14-May-13 05:33:55

Thank you both. Becka, 16 weeks seems so far away, but I know OT goes quickly. I think I just have to accept that I will be tired and not hang around the house all day hoping for a lie down. I do feel better today, but it's DH's first day back today so we'll see!

Becka87 Mon 13-May-13 08:57:44

It is the hardest thing I have done going from 1 to 2. BUT it does get easier, my DS is now 16 weeks and things are so much better. My 3 year old has been a bit of anightmare but is slowly settling down again.

Sleep deprivation is just pure evil and everything seems a million times worse when tired. Just hang in there and do what you have to do to get by.

When baby is older they will be able to entertain each other a bit more and take the strain off you a bit.

This too shall pass........

Good luck xxxxx

Marthanoooo Mon 13-May-13 07:28:53

It is very very hard! Especially once the initial adrenaline wears off. Just do things slowly, rest when you can, hold your baby get out in the sun, talk to your DD, involve her. It will get better just hang in there! And congrats on your new baby!

philbee Mon 13-May-13 00:44:43

Just in need of some reassurance I think. DD2 is two weeks old now and last few days have been hard, lots of screaming as she's more aware and curious about things and so gets over tired. We tried for this baby for so long, and now I think it was a mistake, sleep deprivation is kicking in, DH and I sleep separately so he can get sleep to work, DD1 is sulky and fed up. The newborn stage is just hard, isn't it? Things will improve, won't they? Right now I feel like we shouldn't have persevered with getting pg again.

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