Opinions please!

[Bluebella]

Can I have your honest opinion on this:

After school yesterday, My OH took me and my 5 year old son in his car to go home.

My son happily asked if he could play on my phone. I said sure, as he had a good day at school.

Then, I realised I had to send a text to someone, so I asked my son, can mummy have the phone back to send a text to ......

He handed me back the phone, willingly ? no moaning.

Then after about 30 seconds he said ?Can I have it back now Mummy??, I said, ?No darling, hang on a min, I haven?t finished?, another 30 seconds, and he asked again (Not moaning, just a chirpy little, ?Can I have it now??).

At this point my OH started shouting at him, in a very aggressive (Not just ?firm), but angry voice, saying that he wouldn?t have it at all if he kept asking.

Now, if my son had been moaning/crying/winging about it, I would agree, but he was only asking, in a normal tone.

Anyway, then, he asked again.... and I was finished so I gave it back to him.

My OH went off on one, saying how I shouldn?t have let him have it. He then swang the car around erratically, saying he wouldn?t take us. I simply said ?What is wrong with you?!? and he started saying how he?s ?Old School? and expects a child to listen the first time and not go on and on about something. (I do agree to a certain extent, but my son wasn?t moaning/winging, in my opinion he was just asking, perhaps he was being a little impatient to ask so many times, but it didn?t annoy me or anything).

I asked my OH, ?What is the big issue? Charlie is allowed to speak, and ask questions, I don?t understand why this upsets you, he wasn?t moaning?.

My OH then goes off on me, saying how I am undermining him infront of Charlie. I ask, please can you stop shouting in front of him. He shouts, he is not shouting, and this isn?t him ?Shouting?........

He then swears, and I say calmly, please do not swear in front of my son. He tells us to get out of the car......

Tell me, is this normal behaviour????

He then says some really horrible and rude things in front of my son, but he says, I am a ?Pansy Mother? and he is 'Old school' seriously ? I am not ? that boy gets major telling off?s and consequences, I just didn?t think in this case he had done anything wrong!

What are your thoughts?

[Sirzy]

That is far from normal.

The way he spoke to you and your son was bad enough but swinging the car around erratically is down right dangerous.

Is it normal behaviour from him?

[Bluebella]

Hi thanks for replying.

Yes it has started to be....

I am 28 weeks pregnant too......so I can't believe that he drove so erratically.

There is another post I wrote on here a few months ago with some scenario's. He thinks he is just a strong discplinarian, but I think it's more than that.

[Littlemissmagnet]

That is a big overreaction to as you said a nothing situation. Your instincts are usually right by the way. Is he stressed? Or a bit down? Maybe he needs to chat to someone impartial about what's really wrong if this is becoming more regular behaviour for him. Before it becomes more of an issue. Wishing you the best with this.

[Bluebella]

Thank you. Yes he is very stressed. However, this kind of thing has been happening since last august. I can pin point it as it first happened he lost his temper whenn we were on holiday in Aug last year.

I don't think I can put my son/s through this anymore, I am feeling I don't want them exposed to this kind of behaviour.

I just wanted to see what impartial people may think of this.

Thank you x

[GingerJulep]

Sounds as though you need to sit down, possibly with a counsellor/after attending some parenting classes together and agree on a workable way for you to co-parent your son/his step-son and also your new (presumably joint) baby.

Step children can be very hard for non-biological parents to deal with. Your OH clearly messed up but referring to your son as 'my son' not 'our son' won't necessarily be helping you form a family bond.

You've got some time to sort this out before the next bundle of joy/complication arrives - maybe time to make it a priority as your OH would naturally be spending more time with the older one when you're in baby-mode.

[Shakey1500]

No, not normal behaviour imo. And at this point I would be re-evaluating the relationship.

[Bluebella]

Thanks. I know deep down that the way he behaves is not right. It just helps to have some re inforcement sometimes. He will not want to do counselling. He would rathet just walk away. Which is fine. And my new baby will be definitely a bundle ofjoy, my precious joy NOT a complication! ;-) x

[internalship]

No not normal at all. A new baby will put a whole host of new stresses and strains on your relationship so if he is the sort to refuse to acknowledge problems and not do counselling then it could get a lot worse. I too would be evaluating the relationship

[Bluebella]

Ok. Thank you. Another thing i just remembered that he said, was, in response to me saying "not in front of Charlie", was that children need to learn reality and that people argue. i tjought this was really strange... he also said something vile in front of my son...not that he would have understoood...but he said "I have had enough of you I cant wait to find fresh pussy" . Now later on he said he had said that as he wanted to hurt me. but still....how vile is that?!

[internalship]

Very vile. Emotional abuse OP. Do you want to stay with him? He doesn't sound very nice

[Bluebella]

Hmmm....i know...i guess my reservations are:


My son has considered him his "step dad" for three years and I am concerned about how I go explaining why we are not together anymore. The lucky thing is we dont live tigether yet as he is going through financial crisis after repossesion of former property he owned with his ex. He also works nights so rarely is with us anyway. So the transistion of not having him around would be fairly easy.

Also....the fear of what every one will think of me when it is public knowledge. the embarrassment....especially to my sons dad. Me and current partner were so happy once but his behaviour/ attitude has changed. We were actually getting married in August. Not any more. He says he doesnt want to marry me at all.

[stowsettler]

It does sound like there is only one way this is going and he sounds pretty vile TBH. You however do seem very strong and if I were you I'd be getting out of there sharpish. You'll probably do a much better job on your own. Good luck x

[Littlemissmagnet]

I'm sorry your relationship has deteriorated so much. I am shocked he said such a thing to you and in front of your son he obviously has no respect no matter what the excuse after. I'm sending you hugs for strength whatever you choose to do.

Please do not worry that people will think little of you they won't. It takes strength and maturity to do what is right for you and your DC's what ever that may be. And at the end of the day that's all any parents want is to make a good life for our DC's.

Speak to your friends and family.They can be a great source of support. If anything it is another opinion.

hugs to you

[Jinty64]

I think it is really fortunate that you do not currently live together and are not married. Charlie deserves better than this and I think you are right to be reconsidering your relationship. Do not think of being embarrassed this is not your fault. Look to family and friends to support you. You will be better off without him.

[Bluebella]

Thank you for your comments every one. I feel really positive, mostly anyway. I feel it's an awful shame things have worked out the way they have. However I know I must put the happiness and saftey of my children first. While he's not been physically abusive, I feel it's not right the way he has come to behave. It's completely his loss, I did nothing but support him through all the hard times he had with his ex, and access to his children. (Yes, his ex did in fact warn me off him back in 2010....) Anyway, I can't do any more, I just want to be happy, and give my kids the happy childhood they deserve. xx

[Numberlock]

What was/is your relationship with your son's dad like?

[Bluebella]

It's great, my son see's him frequently. We get on really well for my son's sake mostly, but it's completely fine. Like on handovers we come into each others house, yesterday we went to a birthday party together etc....

Obviously it wasn't wonderful at the TIME in the end, hence we split up in the first place. He wasn't great to me, mostly his family actually - but he was never a concern to our son, he was always a great dad to our little boy. (In fact I have the opposite problem with him, that he really is too soft with him, and lets him get away with everything!lol).

I always seem to pick the wrong men ;0) However, nothing would make me change the clocks back, I love my son so much.

He has a great relationship with his dad :)

[Numberlock]

I meant more was he also abusive and you're in a cycle of picking the wrong men which you've alluded to above?

Whatever your history's get rid of this idiot for your son's sake.

[Bluebella]

awww thank you Numberlock.

Yes, I have heard that some times women go from abuser to abuser.

Yes, it wasn't wonderful with my son's father....but it's been five years now, and it all seems less painful, and memories, for better or worse have faded.

Well; I think it more or less is over anyway, I know he can't love me, or at least enough to try and treat me with respect.

He keeps saying 'He's Old School, and respects his elders", and how he was brought up to respect adults, and he thinks my son doesn't respect me, HE IS FIVE, and we have a loving relationship (Me and my son), he thinks I 'Molly Coddle' him. The fact is, when we are all together, I may appear 'softer' on my son, because I walk on edge shells, worried that if he has the slightest little tantrum, my OH will loose his temper. It's very sad. He's very negative about 'Children these days', and said how his mother brought him up strict and he respects her for that. Yes, maybe he does repsect her, but he doesn't respect his women, and I don't want my son turning out like him....

Anyway, we shall see. x

[Numberlock]

That's good to read, you sound like you've got your head screwed on and that you have a great relationship with your son.

Try and have a few days space from this guy to work out what you really want.

[Whatalotofpiffle]

Was he taking stress from somewhere else out on you? That is awful!

[Bluebella]

Whatalotofpiffle - he is just generally stressed, he works perm nights, that doesn't help I am sure. He is stressed about the new baby - the fact is we had planned all along we'd have one of our own, after we got married later this year, however, it kind of happened a little sooner and we have cancelled all the wedding plans. He feels that I was careless to "let this happen". Also, we have gone through some hard times lately, mostly due to disagreements we have on discpline/parenting, he feels 'all women' are the same, and I am turning into his Ex 2.... sigh......

Also I suffer from preg health anxiety, and he will not understand it/try to support me, just calls me 'Nuts' and that I need to see a "Shrink" about it. He won't try to help me in anyway regarding my anxieties, and this puts strain on our relationship.

Interestingly this whole recent episode has made me completely snap out of the last thing I was getting panicky about! So he's done me some good in that respect! :0)

[lexib]

It sounds like the only negativity you're contending in your life is coming from your oh, and that's not good. And saying that in front of your son... It's hard to picture a worse role model for a young boy.
You sound strong and happy in yourself, don't let anyone else ruin that.