very, VERY stuck.....

(11 Posts)
miku Thu 25-Apr-13 13:07:59

I am feeling very down about how to move forward- I have forbidden a schooling to another country on the other side of the world, without either parent because it is impacting on my childs emotional wellbeing and stability. The father is arguing that he cant be her father unless he has this right to influence her education, and is threatening not being her father at all. I KNOW it is emotional blackmail, and am standing by my descision, however, he is blaming me for her emotional probs (yes, of cousre, some of it!) and seems to be intent on stamping on sensitive emotional ground of mine. My child lives with me, and I work part-time to support us. I also work hard to support her education for her father's language.
TBH, I am upset that he cannot contribute to her daily life, without some kind of fight for her to be studying etc. I dont like being around him, as he has bullying tacticts, and of course i get angry.

He has just said to me it is ALL MY Fault that she needs counselling.
I have recommended to the counselling body that he needs to be involved. He is like a child when it comes to all this, and money seems to be the only thing he cares about...obviously, I cannot compete because I am looking after our child!

I'm not sure I understand what's happening here.

So you and him are together or apart?
He wants the child to be educated in a different country on her own? You don't?

SavoyCabbage Thu 25-Apr-13 13:17:59

So, he wants your dd to go away to school and you don't?

miku Thu 25-Apr-13 13:18:46

we are apart-yes sorry its a bit garbled. she has already been on her own for 2 and a half months with grandparents, but he wants her to go every year. It would be fine, but she doesnt get on with her grandma, and is showing signs of stress, and trying to please her pa by saying she will go, but says she doesnt to me.....

SavoyCabbage Thu 25-Apr-13 13:22:11

How old is she? I think I would tell her that she doesn't have to go to please him, but if she does want to that's ok too.

Surely it's messing up her education in the uk or wherever you live if she's going somewhere else for part of the year.

You need to stop arguing, what good is that doing your dd? Poor kid, piggy in the middle.
What does she really want? Without either of you trying to influence her?
How old is she?

miku Thu 25-Apr-13 13:33:34

She spoke to her inclusion teacher, and said she didnt want to go. so end of story. BUT dad wont listen, and is saying he wont be her dad.....guess i just have to let him get on with it

miku Thu 25-Apr-13 13:45:18

yes, SC, I have said that to her as i realised she was struggling with trying to please us both. I have said to her that she doesnt have to worry, whatever she wants to do, we will both love her. I guess this is upsetting ME because he keeps calling/texting etc. And I want her to still be able to see her Daddy, am nervous of how he will be with her.

MaryRobinson Thu 25-Apr-13 20:43:13

Does he come froma culture that children just do whatever the fuck they're told? I think it is very hard where a massive cultural difference exists.

Have you considered calling his bluff and saying " suits me and her fine for you to fuck-off"

SavoyCabbage Thu 25-Apr-13 22:04:44

Is he saying that she has to go away to school in another country and if she doesn't he doesn't want anything to do with her?

If so, I would say "Bob, I have talked to dd and to the school.she really doesn't want to go and the school feel that she is doing really well and it would be best not to move her. She loves you very much and she doesn't want to lose you as her father. She would like to visit her grandparents but not to live with them"

That's what I would say to get him off her back. Really I think you should tell him to get lost as he is upsetting you and you did by trying to make her do something that only he wants.

miku Tue 30-Apr-13 09:34:34

Yes, he is from Japan, Im from England.....
thankyou for your suggestions- and yes, bluff has been called.
Just had a phone call from his mum, who told my dd she was a liar, reduced her to tears, so dd put the phone down. She called again, and shouted at me for 20mins- i couldnt respond cos of language!!!and then phone cut off.....I thought to call her back and then thought, why? to be shouted at? then this morn, he called to shout at me for upsetting his mum!! Am gonna write to her with help from a friend, as Im sure so much of it is lack of clear communication- but not with her dad. he can understand very well, but only wants hear what he wants to hear-ie yes she will go to Japan! dd doesnt want to answer the phone to him anymore, as he is holding her responsible for saying no, too! and she said this morning that she had made a pinky swear with him. I just said, tell you what, give me the pinky swear, Ill take it off you

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