Ok I think I'm brave enough - AIBU?(31 Posts)
Ok so hopefully this won't be too long.
I have 2 ds - ds1 is 2.9 years, ds2 is 3 months old.
DP works days driving petrol tankers so as I'm worried about him getting enough sleep I suggested he sleep in the spare room during the week (he doesn't work weekends). Ds1 has never been a very good sleeper and gets up around once or twice a night, ds2 is an horrific sleeper! I know he's only 3 months but all my friends babies are sleeping through and they're younger than him. He wakes every 1-3 hours and is quite a grumpy baby in the day too so as you can imagine I'm not getting a lot of sleep. I've got health visitor making regular visits as she's worried I may be developing post natal depression.
Anyway, the point to this thread is I get no help at all from DP. He's started sleeping in spare room on a Friday night too to 'catch up on sleep', and then when he sleeps in our bed on a Saturday to 'give me a break' I end up having to wake him up to get up with either of them and even getting up myself as its easier. I'm exhausted and on the brink of a complete meltdown. He doesn't get it at all. I've got no other support network so it's all on me. I'm not expecting anyone to have either of them over night but even if my mum took them out for an hour it would help. Nobody seems to care and I'm really starting to struggle.
AIBU? Do you think DP should be doing more? Or is this how it is as a SAHM?
Thanks for reading this far
Can you go and sleep at a friend's house at the weekend so you're not disturbed by the DC?
Agree with everyone that YANBU. Being a SAHM with a baby & a toddler is exhausting when you're not getting enough sleep. I wonder, have you ever left him with both of them for a day at the weekends so he has a sense of that? Might be helpful...
I think you need to make clear to him how much you're struggling, and that, for a while, you need some help from him. Does he know the HV thinks you are a high PND risk?
I think the deal should be that he gets up Fri & Sat nights - but if you don't think you can swing that, I'd go for Fri night you get the spare room, AND a lie in - he gets to choose on Sat night if he stays in spare or main bedroom, but gets a lie in if he wants.
Perhaps you could also say that on Sat he gets an afternoon nap if he wants one (as he'll have been up in the night), and on Sunday you do.
In those early months when sleep is at a premium, I think it's something both parents need to prioritise for each other. It's not forever, and if it means you don't do your normal weekend stuff for a few months, then so be it.
NB My dp always did his fair share of night wakings, and on weekends we took turns to have a lie in - saved my sanity....
My dh also takes far longer than I do to wake up at night if the children cry, and he has a sleep dependent job too so I do all the getting up. He does however give me a lie in at the weekend - we have one each. I suggest either requesting a lie in where your dp gets up with the kids and you get an extra few hours kip - can be tricky if you can hear them crying or yelling downstairs (ear plugs?). Or sleeping in the spare room yourself for one night and putting baby monitors with both kids, with the receiver turned right up close to his ear. That'll wake him....
Surely this whole 'men take longer to wake up at night' is a red herring? They don't have to do it or pretend to be asleep or whatever. You need to go away for a night at weekend with your friends and just leave him to it. I'm sure they'll survive when they have to. Otherwise it's pretty much akin to fathers who can't cope with 'babysitting' their own children.
You poor thing, I've got a 2 year age gap between mine they are 1 and 3 now and I remember how exhausting those first few months were! I appreciate your DH needs sleep for work but so do you for your well being and your kiddies, I did all the night stuff with my two as babies as I ebf them both DD1 was pretty ok as a sleeper but DD2 was not! she fed every 2 hours or so until 7 months and at 13 months now still hasn't slept through! So your little guys sleep is not uncommon. My DH did all the getting up with DD1 while DD2 was tiny could your DH not do the same? If you've only got one to tend to the nights may not seem as long? Hope things look up but no YADNBU
This may have already been suggested, sorry if it has, but could your dh take the toddler out on the weekends so you can sleep with the baby?
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