2 children, but do you wish sometimes you still only had 1?

(93 Posts)
KLou111 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:44:42

Basically the title says it all really.
My DH and I have the most beautiful, lovely, loving nearly 20 month old DS who we absolutely adore.

We always wanted 2, but DH loves our little family as it is and really can't imagine he would ever want or need another.
I'm on the fence. I would love a sibling for our DS, and feel I would love another child one day, but I am not 100%, so with that obviously I would go with not having a second.

I just feel I wouldn't have enough time in the day, and I would feel so guilty not having the time for DS as I do now.

We enjoy our family holidays, more so now our DS is becoming a lovely age to enjoy them, with a baby they would become a lot more stressful.
We enjoy our own time with friends, but with 2 we could see it being a lot more difficult to get 'time out' for a few hours or an evening on our own, which at the moment my parents would happily have DS overnight once or twice a week if we'd let them. They say they would also happily have a second baby overnight too, but in reality I'm not so sure.
With one child, if we are lacking a babysitter, usually DS stays with us no problem, but 2 we would be a lot more restricted.

There are so many more 'cons' for having 2 for us than 'pros', but I just wanted to know your experiences. Did any of you have 2 children and really truly wish you'd stuck with one?

I agree with everything MorrisZapp just wrote, btw. Money, getting my life back etc are skill my reasons for not having three, like both of my siblings and lots of my friends have.
The default is always, surely, to never have a baby you don't desperately long for. I knew after my first I wanted another, I'm equally certain after two that I'm FINISHED having babies! grin

Blackcurrants - I am so with you, I knew I definitely wanted to try and have a second, and after that, there was absolutely no question. We were done with the babymaking!!! Have never ever even contemplated a third. It just felt "right" and was what we both agreed on too, luckily!

mistlethrush Fri 12-Apr-13 09:54:59

I wanted two - but we have just one. There is no doubt that DS would have made a wonderful older brother. However, he also makes a charming only son. He is very gregarious - if we have a holiday down on the south coast, he will find other children to play with very easily and happily spend the day playing with them.

I was an only child and never missed not having a sibling - I enjoyed far more of my parents' attention than I would have, and had more advantages in many ways. I am the only one there for my parents, it is true, but MiL is currently ill and BiL is about as much help as a wet blanket and so everything is resting on DH (and me) in any case.

KLou111 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:07:14

No, our DS is an only, only of everything. Neither of my brothers have kids noone would have the obnoxious arses nor does my BIL, they have been trying for 5 years, but nothing sad

foryonisonly Fri 12-Apr-13 19:13:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coconutty Fri 12-Apr-13 19:18:41

I love having 2, but when we brought DS2 back from hospital I felt totally overwhelmed. I thought I would never leave the house again.

It does get easier and things like holidays etc are so much easier as they have an instant friend to hang out with.

Catmint Fri 12-Apr-13 19:21:12

I don't think anyone with two children would wish one of them away, even if unplanned.

But only you know when your family feels complete, and that might be with one child.

We have one, by choice. Not always an easy choice, but the right one for us.


KLou111 Fri 12-Apr-13 20:10:15

I'm just so scared of the unknown I suppose. I've got my longed for little man, and now I have him, I am scared of missing anything to do with him iykwim? I don't want to miss a single thing, which I feel I would with a second child, but would I miss more not having a second if that makes sense??

A few friends that have 2 (mainly the men!) say stick with 1, wouldn't change things for the world, but just have 1.

It's not that I had a bad pregnancy, it was perfect. It's not that DS was a hard baby, he slept 7-7/8/9 from 4 months old!! It's nothing about our experiences with him that put us off, if anything it would make us want another one. But what if we get a devil child, what if it's more needy, has health problems, doesn't sleep etc etc. why mess with the perfect arrangement we have now?
I just basically wanted to know if any of you felt like that, had a second and thought oh shit, we really should have stayed with one.......

Not saying you would ever wish your second/third child(ren) weren't there, just if you could fast forward and rewind life, would you choose to go back (honestly)

ExcuseTypos Fri 12-Apr-13 20:17:41

No I don't regret having two.

I do understand what people are saying about missing having the time for the first born, but I can honestly say I've enjoyed parenting dd2 very much. I found I was much more confident with her as I'd 'done it all before'
Both DDs are amazing and I love having two children.

Backinbelfast Fri 12-Apr-13 20:19:40

I am a single mum and have two, have always been on my own with them. DS2 is 9 months old. The adjustment has been much, much harder than anticipated, I agree with the poster up-thread who "misses" DS1 now she has two. That said, their love of each other is wonderful - when the older one makes the younger laugh etc. It was particularly important for me as a single mum (for the foreseeable future!) to have two, as I just imagined a family of three feels more like a family than a family of two. That's turned out to be true, when we go out now all three of us it feels like a little family unit, rather than a very close mother-son, although that may feel like a loss to both me and DS1 in the short-term in the long run it will be a gain.

But, from what you have written OP it really sounds like your choice may be different from mine and why not?

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 12-Apr-13 20:22:29

I have 2, sometimes I really wish I had one as my house would be so much tidier, no bickering and play fighting and arguing over who sits where and whos turn it is to open the door or something equally inane. On the other hand I would also like another one just to have my house even busier and happier.

Backinbelfast Fri 12-Apr-13 20:24:41

KLou111 - just to add my experience of DS1 made me very anxious for DS2: birth of DS1 was not great at all (long long labour, emergency section), he was a very "needy"/ upset baby for the first months. And I did fear, as everyone does, health problems with DS2.

As it turned out, pregnancy was harder with DS2 but birth much easier. Baby more laid back as a newborn, though does have some medical issues which have needed hospital treatment.

Anyway, I suppose what I am saying is there are always risks with pregnancy and having children, everything is unpredictable...

christinarossetti Fri 12-Apr-13 20:30:34

I don't regret having two at all, but I sometimes look at our friends who have one (who is nearly 10 now) and think what a fabulous life they have.

They both work part-time and are devoted to their child in a way that you can't be with two as you're always split in half.

It doesn't make me wish that I only had one, but it definitely makes me think that what an only 'misses' in terms of siblings, they can have in other ways.

Allegrogirl Fri 12-Apr-13 20:52:20

It would be easier with one but it wouldn't be so much fun. My DDs are 5 and 2. DD1 says DD2 is her best friend. They adore each other. What DD1 has lost in frazzled parenting and not having our undivided attention she has gained in having a friend wherever she goes. I have a brother 8 years younger and DH is an only. We are both quite envious of what our girls have.

However we made a conscious choice to have a second and if you are happy as you are then there is nothing wrong with stopping at one child.

Timetoask Fri 12-Apr-13 20:52:52

I don't regret having two, I adore my ds2. But I always wanted 2.
If you don't want another please don't have one.

nethunsreject Fri 12-Apr-13 20:57:59

If you're not sure, then wait. We have two and it took three years to feel ready for the second. It is hard, especially when number two is a baby, but it is so wonderful to see them together. Mine are 2 and 6 now and they adore each other. It's chaos but lots of fun and there is always lots of smiles and hugs

Cheerymum Fri 12-Apr-13 21:04:53

This thread has made me nervous. 2 year old and twins on the way. Oh boy.

I have 2, was happy with 1, but had a nagging feeling that I should have 2! It has been a struggle, have bad PND this time, and I have often thought 'why the heck did I do this', but I love both my boys and really wouldn't do without them. They are polar opposites, so am hoping they will get on well together. DS1 has been very good with DS2 so far, and DS2 loves his big brother.

I'm one of four, and originally wanted four, ha ha!

"If you're not sure, then wait." - true, true, true!

And so much depends on the personality of your child. Our 'divvel chile' was DS1- high energy, never slept as a baby, still fights sleep as a nearly 3 year old - has to run/jump/climb on everything, is always getting out of my grip and making a break for the door in a shop, for example.
So, oddly enough, we laughingly told each other at least we knew what we were getting into, when we decided to go for a second.

As it happens, our second is much, much easier - but he does have health problems which are going to cost us a packet (we live in the USA, no NHS, even with insurance the bills keep coming) and that puts a stopper on lots of things, frankly.

Guitargirl Sat 13-Apr-13 09:13:10

OP - obviously I don't know you at all, all I know about you is what you have posted on this thread but from your posts it sounds as though you really would not like a second and you sound perfectly happy with having one child.

Honestly, I think you should just have confidence in your decisions and choices about what is right for you and your family without expecting a lot of strangers to justify your choice by saying that they regret having a second child.

Guitargirl Sat 13-Apr-13 09:23:32

And as you asked for honesty. No, I do not regret and have never for one second regretted having our second child. Having been an only child myself, I very much wanted a different family dynamic for our own children. I remember many days of loneliness and boredom as a child. There was a family living across the road from us who had several children and yes, they argued, but it always seemed such fun. I used to spend a lot of time hanging around there and, in hindsight, I was probably a real PITA for their parents who had this extra kid around all the time.

When I see my friends who have one child I do not have any feelings of envy of that at all. Friends of mine who have one DC tell me their children torment them all the time with questions as to why they can't have a brother or sister.

But my feelings are probably based a lot on my own experience as a child which is obviously not the same for every only child just the same as the sibling experience is not the same for everyone either. Just do what is best for you and YOUR family and you sound very happy with your family as it is.

KLou111 Sat 13-Apr-13 09:47:24

There are so many positives to 2 smile

I look at our little man and would so love to give him a sibling, he is just so bloody lovely (despite screaming at me at 12 midnight last night for no reason!)
It doesn't help now that Dh came home from a night out with his brother last night and has started saying about another baby!

I've just got to remember that another one would enhance life (or should do!!) The same way ds did smile
Maybe the best time would be around 3 when he goes to nursery so he doesn't feel so left out, and I don't feel so guilty about not spending time with him.
But I do know if or when, we will only try when we want one, not just for ds.

Guitargirl Sat 13-Apr-13 09:53:28

I bet in ten years time you will be on MN posting about your 4 DCs wink smile!

KLou111 Sat 13-Apr-13 10:28:39

Ha ha, NO! smile

bbface Sat 13-Apr-13 18:52:42

as i write this, ds1 2.7 watches toy story in pjs whilst i feed dd1 5 weeks.

It is epic, mad and crazy hard work at points but but but it is incredibly amazingly wonderful too.

My ds' life has been changed quite dramatically by dd's arrival i.e. bath time used to be solely about him. Now my attention is firmly on dd and often backdrop to bath time is dd screaming. However he seems oblivious. He is so protective and loving towards her.

The thought of one crack at experiencing the insane wonder of having a child made me absolutely certain i wanted a second. DH too.

No regrets in any shape or form. In fact it has confirmed to me that i would love a third.

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