Issues with mil that's tearing my family apart

(86 Posts)
Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:43:51

Hello everyone. I'm new here but looking for some advice on a situation concerning my mil.

Quick bit about me. Mum to 3 wonderful kids. Dp, is dad to youngest and step dad to older 2 aged 8 and 5.

Mil and I always got on well (I thought) until our baby girls birth approached. I heard comments from her about 'her baby' and I have to be the first to visit, or have a picture or hold her. I found it too much but bit my tongue for arguments sake.

When dd was a few weeks old, she complained we didn't visit. I had a csection and a uterine Infection and dp can't drive :/ the first few weeks were hard.

She then was asking at 2-4 weeks old when she could have her overnight. And even got annoyed at dp for taking her out in the pushchair to school one morning because mil 'hasn't done that yet!'

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place. Things were ok for a bit but things kicked off again.

She haven't seen any of the kids for 9 weeks. She has told dp she wants nothing to do with me at all, but expects him to take all 3 kids up to see her still.

Dp is trying to please all parties but I'm refusing to let them go up her house without me. Why should I be excluded? Can she not be gracious to be nice for an hour or so?

Out compromise was to offer for her to see the kids at our house. It's not our intention to stop her seeing them, but we don't want the older kids to see me excluded and wonder why. She flatly refuses. Claiming ill guess I won't see them then.

What do we do? It's pulling me and dp apart and I often doubt wether im being reasonable or not.

There is alot more to this story but Ivd kept it simple. For info, this is her first grandchild. She was happy to accept my other kids, but now feel her 'blood' grandchild is more important. I'd like my kids to be treated the same

Please, please help.

mummy2benji Wed 10-Apr-13 18:49:30

Stunned.... My dd2 is 5 months old and I would not leave her overnight with her dad (my dh!) without my being there, never mind a grandparent. And my in-laws are wonderful and very hands on with the kids, despite living a few hours away. Ds1 stayed with them for the first time on his own when he was 3. It is totally unreasonable for her to demand to have your lo overnight. If she is desperate to spend time with her, take it slow and let her take her for a walk in the buggy, or babysit at home for a few hours. Definitely not overnight at her house - that is just insane. Her demanding this of you and putting you in such an awkward position is totally unreasonable, and your dp needs to 'man up' in my opinion and tell her that. And insisting she will only see her grandchild without mum being there is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Errrr..... NO. Just no.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 09-Apr-13 09:15:05

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place
What did you say, exactly?

soapandhorny Tue 09-Apr-13 09:09:37

Joanne you actually have a lot more power than you think as a DIL. Yes, you will never be part of their family (only really lucky women get to be that) but that works both ways as in, they are not really part of yours if they do not act nicely toward you.

When a DIL doesn't get on with MIL, the MIL doesn't get consulted on anything, asked her advice, told of cute things that happened that day, doesn't get invited to plays, birthday parties etc. and generally is not included. On the other side she gets to see the GC once in a while when the DIL agrees to let them go over. OK, so you will feel crap when they do, but the truth is MIL will miss out on a lot more in the long run. You won't see your kids for a couple of hours.

On the other hand when you have a nice MIL, she is included, loved and a valuable, important person in the family who can offer unlimited support.

So really, who do you think the winner is in this situation.

Your DH will come around. Don't back down or you will not only lose this fight but they will push you out further.

Joanne279 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:34:36

Thanks everyone. I do honestly agree that dp is finding it hard to admit. I love him and trying to support him thru it. It's just hard when it's making me feel like shit.

I'm defo standing my ground on this one. If I back down, mil will think its ok to do it over anything we disagree on and that's just not how I plan on living my life smile x

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:35:08

She is playing a game that could drive her away from what she sees as her only GC. She has three and needs to treat them all the same. My brothers and sisters are much older than me and a different dad. I used to go nutts when my GM would say "but they are only your half brothers and sisters". It may be like that in some families but its not like that in mine and I used to tell her so. She used to tell me it wasn't my place to say things like that (I was only eight to be fair to her and perhaps should have shown a little more respect) but it really did hurt me.

I suppose the gist is if she isn't careful she will miss out on every "babies first" and not just the odd one.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 21:50:22

How did he react when he read the posts?

BlueberryHill Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:23

Maybe your DH is finding it difficult to cope seeing his mothers behaviour in black and white and is denying that this is the case as far as his mother is concerned? An initial reaction is to defend his mother. Once he does admit that she is in the wrong, he then has to do something about it, something which he has never done before in his life in standing up to his mother and to his whole family. He probably doesn't want to do this and so does the 'easiest' thing for him, which is to get you to concede again. Maybe he needs time to come round to it.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 20:23:34

I think you should focus on the siblings. Call them directly and arrange things. She will hate it as she clearly thinks you are a threat. Once you have one of the inlaws on side the rest should follow.
Take dh out of the equation as he is in a difficult situation. Do your own planning and calling.

exoticfruits Sun 07-Apr-13 19:56:44

How strange that he can read it all and not see that his mother is a problem. hmm
I wouldn't argue with him- just tell him that you and the children are a package - repeat as necessary - like a broken record - and stand firm.
If she doesn't accept this then the rest of your life will be very difficult.
I find it difficult to believe that he finds it acceptable for his children to say 'my granny doesn't like mummy and we have to visit without her'. It isn't a message I want my children to get- I would expect it to be 'we are the adults, we talk about it and sort it'.
Stand firm.

seriouscakeeater Sun 07-Apr-13 17:48:58

oh what a sad out come sad Joanne, no one is more important to those kids than you.

Don't argue with DP at all now, just stand your ground. Could you really be in a relationship with some one that puts his mother over his wife (to be) for the rest of your life? Its like the MIL becomes the OW sometimes, its just not on. You have to think of your mental health through out this now and what effect it will have on ALL your children.

My mil sometimes makes her dgc feel uncomfortable telling them how much nanna is all ways there for them and how much she loves them whilst clutching them, they ultimately will all ways love there mother more and are becoming old enough to see that MIL treats there mother so badly all though one of them will ring her up for a mcdonalds when grounded and she will be there in a flash!

You and ALL your kids come as a package, stay firm hun flowers what happens next will probably determine what happens for the rest of your life. x

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:40:59

Oops. Meants to say I'm NOT asking him to choose us, just a solution that fair x

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:19:25

Thanks everyone but after showing dp all the posts, it's had the opposite effect sad

I Feel his mum seeing the kids is more important than me as their mother and as his partner. I'm asking him to choose us, just a solution that's fair. Instead we've argued all day sad

Thank you all for your comments x x x

daytoday Sun 07-Apr-13 14:03:54

Your youngest baby is Only 6 months old and your MIL has dominated the emotional landscape. What a horrible thing to do to your own son when he has just had a baby. This should be a special time for your family to adjust to this new bundle.

Your Husband needs to think about how upset he is feeling and whether he would cause such conflict when your own children become parents. Of course he wouldn't.

Mil is behaving badly.

Mytimewillcome Sat 06-Apr-13 21:35:23

Just wanted to add please stand your ground. Its all about you setting boundaries. I went through the same thing and once she realised that I wasn't going to hand over DS1 to her or let her get away with her belittling comments to me ie trying to make out that she was more important than me; she was much better once DS2 came along. I am still on my guard with her and don't like or trust her but she can see my children on my terms not hers. And its because she has backed off she still has a relationship with my children. When my DH backed her instead of me I still stuck to my guns and he eventually came round as he realised what he could lose. One of my friends gave me the best advice that I relayed to him 'does he think that his future is with his mother or with you and his children?'. It worked.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 20:26:23

Wow Hun, I thought I had it bad. I feel for you.

Dp's sister told me she wanted nothing to do with 'my 2 kids' but 'you can't stop me seeing the other one!' Um, wanna bet love?!

We're getting married next year. Mil has now announced they are re newing their vows. I'm sure it's an attention thing.

It's so so sad sad I read on another post somewhere that the new baby is part of the in law family, but the dil is not. It's so true. We're never treated the same as the rest of them. Never equal. Cast aside so easily like trash.

I cannot thank you all enough for your messages. I am relieved that I'm clearly not the only one who thinks she is unreasonable. Just need to convince dp that's its ok to saw no to her x

Zamboni Sat 06-Apr-13 20:24:55

Bloody hell sparkly.

OP, you have been reasonable in offering a compromise. Your DP needs to stand firm behind you. I don't understand why a grandparent would want to separate a baby from its mother before the mother is ready! Can they not recall what it was like to have their own? I've never been more grateful for my own parents and PIL who would never presume to tell me when they would like the baby and who have always been very grateful for babysitting opportunities and mindful of "sharing" with the other set of GPs.

Sparklymommy Sat 06-Apr-13 20:13:43

I really feel for you honey. When I had my first child she was the first grandchild on every side. My DHs family made me ill with their attitude in the first year. Two days after my baby came home from hospital I was "summoned" to MIL and FILs house with the child as SIL had come in to see the baby. They lived at the end of our road. DH tried to say that I wanted to spend the time at home, to rest, and establish feeding patterns, but SIL was welcome to visit is at home. To which my FIL told him I was being unreasonable as SIL "had lots of bags and things for the baby". I have in to keep the peace but I was fuming. I had a child after all!! And all the paraphernalia that comes with!

Things didn't get much better and MIL and SIL were for ever trying to take my baby away from me, constantly asking to have her and generally undermining me. When my DD was 3 months old I tried to reach a compromise by saying that MIL could have her every other Friday afternoon. That soon turned into every Friday, and the times got stretched to all day.

When Dd was ten months old SIL asked to have her for the day and I said no. I had my reasons. I thought nothing more of it until a few days later when my husband came home from visiting his brother in a bit of a strop. A huge row ensued as BIL and his gf had given my DH a hard time because I had refused to let SIL have our DD. he tried to get me to change my mind because they were putting pressure on me but I dug my heels in and stuck to my guns. Dd was 10 months old and I was not going to be bullied by them. They didn't like it because my DH (the youngest of the siblings) had always done what they wanted and now they couldn't control him. For two months things were very hard and then after I got really depressed and unhappy and lots of bad things were said my dad stepped in to help. As a result we kissed and made up with my SIL but BIL refused to let things lie and carried on the feud.

Just after my DDs first birthday we set a date for our wedding. The following week BIL announced his engagement to his interfering gf. Having not spoken to us for two months we were graced with a visit. Basically they were demanding to have my DD as a bridesmaid. I refused. They sat in my lounge and told me it was there right, even if they didn't like me because DD was their neice. Again I stuck to my guns and said no. That was 9 years ago. We received a wedding invite to my DH and my Dd. my DH went, but made it clear that Dd and I were a package and so she wouldn't be attending. They have since disowned the entire family. My MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband. The last time we saw them was at a funeral.

Apparently it is all my fault because I turned the whole family against them. I didn't. I have attempted to build bridges over the years and found it very hard as my Dd was close to her uncle. I am now resigned to the fact that they will never be a part of my families life. They tried everything to split me and DH up, accusing me of having affairs, starting rumours that DD wasn't my DHs. They even told a mutual friend that I was easy and would sleep with him if he came onto me. That one made me really angry. But at the end of the day they are the ones missing out because my kids are amazing and they are not a part of their lifes.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 18:58:54

Really? My heart goes out to you. Nothing like emotional blackmail :/ x

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:05:03

Posted too soon! MIL had to learn she had to respect you as a mother and DP partner.

Good luck, we had suisidal threats just before Christmas because no one had invited her over! X

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:02:06

I wouldn't send kids on own either but I bet ur other two wouldn't get a look in now any way.

It's basically MIL getting what she wants. She has to realise that DP had his own family now and to be part of it she has to

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 17:40:33

I don't think that I have been any help-unfortunately. Normally I am the ones standing up for MILs, but in this case I feel sorry for you. I have 3 DSs-you don't get to choose their partners-you have to make a relationship with whoever they choose.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:28:48

Thanks exotic. You've been so helpful today. You all have smile

Dp and I have argued so much lately because we're both touchy because of this. It's approaching 10 weeks which is enough to test anyone's patience x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 16:58:01

I would show DP the thread. You really can't give in for an easy life in the short term-the implications for the long term are horrible.
The bottom line is does he want his children thinking it is normal for their grandmother to exclude the mother-when they are taught that this is bullying?
The prospect of a 4 year old saying 'my mummy doesn't come with us to granny's house because granny doesn't like her'-isn't a nice one.
It is also almost 100% sure that if MIL does get DD on her own it will be a drip, drip of 'your mummy should do this' -'your mummy doesn't do x properly' -not to mention giving her things she knows she isn't allowed at home.
DP has to make a stand. (he should have done it years ago)

fridayfreedom Sat 06-Apr-13 16:10:48

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I have read a few times about Grandparents wanting the baby to stay overnight with them and can't get my head around why they think it is a reasonable expectation. If you ask them to have the baby then fine but to decorate nurseries etc WTF?
Stick to your guns, if you don't want it to happen then ther is no further discussion, seeing the baby in the daytime is enough to form a relationship with them.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 15:52:39

Fil is stood firmly behind mil sad he is dp's step dad and has no kids of his own so to speak. He doesn't know how it feels either to have to hand over your newborn sad

I'm strong enough to stand up to her sh*t but dp is struggling so much. I think he's worried he'll be outcast as well if he doesn't give her what she wants. It's controlling but he doesn't see it. Mil should respect his desicions not outcast him for not agreeing with her x

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