Issues with mil that's tearing my family apart

(86 Posts)
Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:43:51

Hello everyone. I'm new here but looking for some advice on a situation concerning my mil.

Quick bit about me. Mum to 3 wonderful kids. Dp, is dad to youngest and step dad to older 2 aged 8 and 5.

Mil and I always got on well (I thought) until our baby girls birth approached. I heard comments from her about 'her baby' and I have to be the first to visit, or have a picture or hold her. I found it too much but bit my tongue for arguments sake.

When dd was a few weeks old, she complained we didn't visit. I had a csection and a uterine Infection and dp can't drive :/ the first few weeks were hard.

She then was asking at 2-4 weeks old when she could have her overnight. And even got annoyed at dp for taking her out in the pushchair to school one morning because mil 'hasn't done that yet!'

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place. Things were ok for a bit but things kicked off again.

She haven't seen any of the kids for 9 weeks. She has told dp she wants nothing to do with me at all, but expects him to take all 3 kids up to see her still.

Dp is trying to please all parties but I'm refusing to let them go up her house without me. Why should I be excluded? Can she not be gracious to be nice for an hour or so?

Out compromise was to offer for her to see the kids at our house. It's not our intention to stop her seeing them, but we don't want the older kids to see me excluded and wonder why. She flatly refuses. Claiming ill guess I won't see them then.

What do we do? It's pulling me and dp apart and I often doubt wether im being reasonable or not.

There is alot more to this story but Ivd kept it simple. For info, this is her first grandchild. She was happy to accept my other kids, but now feel her 'blood' grandchild is more important. I'd like my kids to be treated the same

Please, please help.

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:40:59

Oops. Meants to say I'm NOT asking him to choose us, just a solution that fair x

seriouscakeeater Sun 07-Apr-13 17:48:58

oh what a sad out come sad Joanne, no one is more important to those kids than you.

Don't argue with DP at all now, just stand your ground. Could you really be in a relationship with some one that puts his mother over his wife (to be) for the rest of your life? Its like the MIL becomes the OW sometimes, its just not on. You have to think of your mental health through out this now and what effect it will have on ALL your children.

My mil sometimes makes her dgc feel uncomfortable telling them how much nanna is all ways there for them and how much she loves them whilst clutching them, they ultimately will all ways love there mother more and are becoming old enough to see that MIL treats there mother so badly all though one of them will ring her up for a mcdonalds when grounded and she will be there in a flash!

You and ALL your kids come as a package, stay firm hun flowers what happens next will probably determine what happens for the rest of your life. x

exoticfruits Sun 07-Apr-13 19:56:44

How strange that he can read it all and not see that his mother is a problem. hmm
I wouldn't argue with him- just tell him that you and the children are a package - repeat as necessary - like a broken record - and stand firm.
If she doesn't accept this then the rest of your life will be very difficult.
I find it difficult to believe that he finds it acceptable for his children to say 'my granny doesn't like mummy and we have to visit without her'. It isn't a message I want my children to get- I would expect it to be 'we are the adults, we talk about it and sort it'.
Stand firm.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 20:23:34

I think you should focus on the siblings. Call them directly and arrange things. She will hate it as she clearly thinks you are a threat. Once you have one of the inlaws on side the rest should follow.
Take dh out of the equation as he is in a difficult situation. Do your own planning and calling.

BlueberryHill Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:23

Maybe your DH is finding it difficult to cope seeing his mothers behaviour in black and white and is denying that this is the case as far as his mother is concerned? An initial reaction is to defend his mother. Once he does admit that she is in the wrong, he then has to do something about it, something which he has never done before in his life in standing up to his mother and to his whole family. He probably doesn't want to do this and so does the 'easiest' thing for him, which is to get you to concede again. Maybe he needs time to come round to it.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 21:50:22

How did he react when he read the posts?

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:35:08

She is playing a game that could drive her away from what she sees as her only GC. She has three and needs to treat them all the same. My brothers and sisters are much older than me and a different dad. I used to go nutts when my GM would say "but they are only your half brothers and sisters". It may be like that in some families but its not like that in mine and I used to tell her so. She used to tell me it wasn't my place to say things like that (I was only eight to be fair to her and perhaps should have shown a little more respect) but it really did hurt me.

I suppose the gist is if she isn't careful she will miss out on every "babies first" and not just the odd one.

Joanne279 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:34:36

Thanks everyone. I do honestly agree that dp is finding it hard to admit. I love him and trying to support him thru it. It's just hard when it's making me feel like shit.

I'm defo standing my ground on this one. If I back down, mil will think its ok to do it over anything we disagree on and that's just not how I plan on living my life smile x

soapandhorny Tue 09-Apr-13 09:09:37

Joanne you actually have a lot more power than you think as a DIL. Yes, you will never be part of their family (only really lucky women get to be that) but that works both ways as in, they are not really part of yours if they do not act nicely toward you.

When a DIL doesn't get on with MIL, the MIL doesn't get consulted on anything, asked her advice, told of cute things that happened that day, doesn't get invited to plays, birthday parties etc. and generally is not included. On the other side she gets to see the GC once in a while when the DIL agrees to let them go over. OK, so you will feel crap when they do, but the truth is MIL will miss out on a lot more in the long run. You won't see your kids for a couple of hours.

On the other hand when you have a nice MIL, she is included, loved and a valuable, important person in the family who can offer unlimited support.

So really, who do you think the winner is in this situation.

Your DH will come around. Don't back down or you will not only lose this fight but they will push you out further.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 09-Apr-13 09:15:05

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place
What did you say, exactly?

mummy2benji Wed 10-Apr-13 18:49:30

Stunned.... My dd2 is 5 months old and I would not leave her overnight with her dad (my dh!) without my being there, never mind a grandparent. And my in-laws are wonderful and very hands on with the kids, despite living a few hours away. Ds1 stayed with them for the first time on his own when he was 3. It is totally unreasonable for her to demand to have your lo overnight. If she is desperate to spend time with her, take it slow and let her take her for a walk in the buggy, or babysit at home for a few hours. Definitely not overnight at her house - that is just insane. Her demanding this of you and putting you in such an awkward position is totally unreasonable, and your dp needs to 'man up' in my opinion and tell her that. And insisting she will only see her grandchild without mum being there is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Errrr..... NO. Just no.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now