EASY or ESAY ...and does it really matter?

[Mumtothemunchkins]

Hello all...have been watching for a while but first post. Wanted some advice about ds. Dd is 27m and ds is 5m. We've had a bit of a shitty time...recurrent abruptions third trimester, emergency caesarean 35 weeks, thought we were through worst and then ds stopped breathing at home and spent 10 days in intensive care at 3 weeks old with bronchiolitis....pretty much the hardest week of my life, after my dad dying. Then the usual newborn stuff... spell of not sleeping at night, followed by 4-6 weeks of evening colic and more recently screaming episodes in the day which can last for hours (6 hours being the record!).

Strange thing is he'll have bad days when he cries and cries or good days when he's all smiles...so don't think it's medical (reflux, intolerance etc). Have seen cranial osteopath but no major changes so far. Think main issue is a sleep one... Really fights naps. Takes 30 mins to settle and only ever sleeps 30 mins in cot (sometimes longer in buggy or car). Then gets over tired and screams. Does really well at night - feeds to sleep at 7.30 pm and wakes once around 4 am for a feed. Should say pretty much ebf.

So my questions...

• is it ok to feed to sleep lunchtime and bedtime as only way really to settle him...rods and backs a problem?
  
• how on earth do you get a reasonable routine with a busy active toddler to entertain - tbh she's pretty much an angel (with the odd tantrum thrown in) ...but feel constantly guilty little man gets shipped about and fed/settled when it suits...and that this is probably contributing...
  

Was worried 3-4 weeks ago I had pnd because everything sooo hard.., think I'm just plain shattered. Dh (who is a star but out of the house 6.30 am til 8 pm mon-fri) has been helping out with some bottles at night and I do feel a lot better...but still struggle when things not going well.

Should say won't take a dummy (not through want of trying) and not super keen on sling. I'm kind of hoping the next month or two might help as he learns to suck his thumb ( trying all the time), starts to sit (trying all the time) and starts weaning (starting to show interest) ...

Ant thoughts ladies?

[Mumtothemunchkins]

*any thoughts ladies ...bloody phone!

Ps sorry for long and rambly post...doing the dreaded feed to sleep as we speak...

[N0tinmylife]

I would say with a baby and toddler to cope with, you need to do whatever gets you through the day. I can't see why feeding to sleep would cause you any problems. If it works, and you are happy doing it, then carry on! Your baby will soon grow up, and I've never heard of an 18 year old feeding to sleep!

As far as the routine, do you want a routine or is it just something you feel you should have? I have to confess I only have one child, but I'd imagine all second babies have to fit in around family life.

I am not surprised you are shattered, looking after two small children, with a partner who is not there a lot of the time is hard work in anyone's book. Do you get a break sometimes so you have chance to re charge?

[Januarymadness]

as said above. Please give yourself a break. Sod rods and backs. Sod feeling guity. Take the easy route for a bit and sort the rest out when things are a bit easier. They WILL get easier

[SheepNoisesOff]

It sounds like you've been through hell to be honest. We had a hard time with DC1 until he was 6 months old and during that period we just did whatever we needed to in order to survive. He was held ALL the time, rocked to sleep, fed to sleep, whatever worked. He is now a very independent 2.5 year old with no sleep issues whatsoever (fingers crossed!) in fact he loves to sleep.

I should think you were suffering from chronic sleep deprivation and also from the horrible stress you've been through as well.

Thankfully my second baby has been a dream but she has to fit in with whatever we do. We drag her around here there and everywhere. Even to the vet a few times with me and the cat, on the tram! You probably know that birth order is now thought to have quite an effect on the personality, well I'm sure that the early months & years have a lot to do with that

Go easy on yourself.

[Mumtothemunchkins]

Hi notinmylife... Thanks for your message! Was pretty keen to go with the flow this time....dd was pretty routine based but seemed to be what suited her so went with it. Not so much that I want it now...but worry a lot that ds's struggled are because he's shipped about too much while dd goes to toddler groups, soft play, play dates etc. Trouble is pretty sure it's the getting out that helps me hang onto my sanity.

On the time off front...not really happening at the moment. Bit tricky as he breast feeds about every 2.5-3 hours...but think I may need to be more assertive at actually getting some time away from the kids at weekends. Love them to bits but do feel exhausted with the relentless demands of it all...

[Mumtothemunchkins]

Thanks January and sheep... Think you're both right...just need to relax about it all and let nature take it's course. Tbh so much better already than a month ago so fingers crossed. I struggle to get away from this nagging feeling that it's something I've somehow done wrong ...dd was so much calmer in comparison...but it has been a very shitty few months so best intentions and all that!?

Wish it would stop bloody snowing as well!!!!

[ZuleikaD]

Feeding to sleep is 100% great and isn't a rod for your back at all. I used to feed to sleep and then again when they woke up!

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

I have a just-turned-three year old and a three month old. I have also been worrying about ds2's complete lack of routine! I have focussed on making sure ds1 is still going to all his classes and groups and just carting ds2 along with us! He just has to sleep whenever and wherever!

As you said though, getting out and about is what keeps me and ds1 sane so i am sticking with it.

Ds2 also feeds to sleep. I love it as it is so easy!

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

And i would also love the snow to stop! It's been snowing since November! I have had enough!

[SheepNoisesOff]

DC1 was, as I mentioned, really difficult and we really couldn't take him many places because he just cried and cried and cried all the time. So it wasn't the going out and about that made him difficult. DC2 is so easy and we take her anywhere we need to be. I think it's tempting to look at what you're doing differently and say that it must be the main cause of different behaviour, but I honestly believe that some kids are just born like that. There can be problems like reflux or other things we can't identify that make them cry, but it could just be how they are. I had a difficult birth with DC1 and had to spend a week in hospital. During that time I had the most experienced maternity nurses and NICU nurses trying to soothe DC1 and getting absolutely nowhere. He would really fight sleep like your little one does. They commented that they could see him drifting off and then he'd snap back awake.

I'm not really going anywhere with this except to say that we had no routine with DS and no routine with DD, and yet they are totally different babies.

Without a happy mama to look after him your DS will not be happy either, so look after yourself and do what you need to do to keep sane. I always say: it's important to model good self-care for your children. Sounds like a joke but I'm deadly serious They learn from our example.