Relationships after having a baby

(14 Posts)
Missy20 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:52:10

Thanks everyone. Glad to know im not alone. Hopefully things patch themselves out. If not a break would probly do us well. Hopefully ILS are taking DD away for the weeknd on holiday so we can have some qtt smile

Our relationship was strained after we had dd1, but things settled down after the first year. I struggled with how unfair it was that my life, career and social life were on hold while dp's weren't, dp took about that year to adapt to living in a slightly more grown up way (and doing more housework - this was the cause of most of our problems).

Things got a huge amount better when I went back to work. We split childcare 50:50 so we both understand how hard childcare is (we agree it's easier to go to work). I was less dependant on dp to provide my adult contact. Also the sleep deprivation is better, being exhausted magnifies any niggles that are there.

Not sure if I have any advice, other than never to compete over who is more tired and to try to be kind to each other. I have never loved my dp as much as when he's let me have an extra lie in or cooked a nice meal, and I try to do the same for him.

Remember things will get better and if your relationship can weather a newborn you can get through anything.

NotSoNervous Mon 25-Mar-13 21:36:57

Me and DP had a really strong relationship then when DD1 was born we were still good but 5m down the line we've had alot of problems! It's got to the point where I thought we would split up quite a few times but pre DD in all the years we've been together I've never thought we would split up.

We have to make a real big effort with each other and it's still not easy now but we do love each other and we want our relationship to work for us and not just DD.

It's not easy though there are still times I want to kill him joking grin

IrisGirl Mon 25-Mar-13 21:30:44

having a baby is such a big test on a relationship, you often find out things about your partner you never knew existed until you are raising are a child!! me and my DH are like chalk n cheese, he's so laid back he's almost horizontal whereas me, i suppose you could say i'm a lot more emotional/forthright than him and it works for us!!
that's not to say its been easy, after months and months of sleepless nights, my step-daughter being rushed into hospital and being diagnosed with epilepsy, we split up for about 3 weeks! it was awful, the worse time of my life.

now, we are back together and i have to say that little break was the best thing that ever happened to us, it made us realise that we do want to be together and we do want to be a family unit and we sat down talked about a lot of stuff and 3 months down the line we are happier than we have ever been.

do you think maybe a break would help you and your DH?? let him realise what he's missing!!! keep strong you can and will work through this, either together or separated and if that is the case you will be just fine. its amazing how strong you have to be when needs be

big hugs and good luck xx

matana Mon 25-Mar-13 12:54:32

You sound like you have some issues that are very specific to your relationship, especially around childcaring responsibilities. Raising a child won't work for anyone if you don't do it together and if all the pressure is on one person. No wonder you are resentful.

But yes, DH and I have twice seriously considered divorce. We've been together for 10 years and married for four. It does put a lot of pressure on you. On each of those occasions it was the scare we both needed to change our ways - put simply, the thought of being without each other, as a family, was too unbearable. We had stopped communicating effectively and had to work hard at not taking each other for granted. It's easy when you have a child to be consumed with caring for that child precisely because they are so dependent on you and cannot look after themselves. Unless you work at it, the person who can look after themselves ends up taking a back seat. And that's usually each of the parents.

Branleuse Mon 25-Mar-13 10:28:35

you need to tell him that the relationship is at breaking point and that you want to work on things together to try and mend it.

It will require honesty, respect, attention to each other, from both of you, and it will require work.

Is there any family member who will have baby for a weekend while you rekindle a bit of romance?

Me and dp make a point of getting a short break from the children every year. Its not a luxury, its an essential. We are a couple, and we plan on being a couple long past the kids being at home, and all gardens need watering and tending

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Mon 25-Mar-13 09:59:12

Ah, so he has no idea of the work you do....

Why not try a weekend split? You get saturday off, and go to nice girly spa ALL DAY, he gets Sunday off to nurse hangover/go to footie etc. And one evening get a babysitter and go out for dinner. He needs to know what hard work it is and that will only click when he has to do it. Dh went to 4 day working to spend time with DS at about this age, it was only then that he even vaguely appreciated the work I did.

Also, if funds allow, get a cleaner. Seriously, it's a relationship saver.

And finally, you may need to spell out to him that you feel the relationship is majorly rocky and if he wants it to continue he needs to consider some outside help. You could lays ask him to try just 3 sessions at relate and you won't push any more if he feels its of no benefit. Also promise to not tell a soul in RL ever (in case he's embarrassed).

Missy20 Mon 25-Mar-13 09:32:47

Thanks for all your replies. Sometimes its very hard to get through to my bf as he says im nagging all the while. In my eyes if he did the simple things i ask i wudnt "nagg" all the while. Iv asked to go to relationship counciling and he wont. He didnt like the idea when i went to see a counciler about depression. Also i do everything regarding the baby while he still pretty much lives his life asthough he hasnt got a child. Maybe im resentfull of that, dont know

MillionPramMiles Mon 25-Mar-13 09:13:55

Having a baby can put so much stress on a relationship. Don't underestimate the impact of constant sleep deprivation.
I'm probably not best placed to advise as like you, my (10 year, previously very happy) relationship is floundering. We have tried talking honestly about how we feel (including admitting regrets about having a baby) and positively about what we should do going forward. Whilst I don't know whether we will stay together, talking like this at least means we are being considerate and caring towards each other instead of trying to hurt each other. If we do split up I hope this approach will make it more amicable. Whatever happens, try not to become vindictive towards each other.
I'd agree with the post above about trying Relate, it's something we would like to do but with no family nearby or other suitable childcare for our ten month old, I don't see how we can.
We wrote lists for each other of the things we wanted the other to do that they weren't currently doing. It did help, is that something you could try?
I do feel for you, parenthood is hard enough without relationship stress too.

ZuleikaD Mon 25-Mar-13 07:51:28

What are the stress-points in your relationship? Why do you think it's associated with the baby? Does one of you miss the life you had before?

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Sun 24-Mar-13 19:59:50

Having a baby is a huge relationship stress. Talking and appreciating each other is key, as is making time for you as a couple.

Would you consider Relate? Sometimes getting an outsider to listen is all it takes. Try to have a meal together without the baby, even if its a weekend lunch. Make a list of all the things you love about being with him.

We went through a very rocky stage at about 6m, but so strong now. If you still live him don't give up.

KLou111 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:43:15

You've got to talk. Me and dh love each other to bits (15.5 years) but having a child has certainly put pressures on our relationship at times. Our ds is 19 months.
Honesty and being open with your thoughts is the only way forward.
I hope everything works itself out for you all xx

FadBook Sun 24-Mar-13 19:38:04

I would say that your relationship will always hit rocky points, with or without children. Mine is stronger than before, I'm more tolerant of things DP does that would have normally pissed me off (patience of a saint!) but I'm also more serious, which is something DP has pulled me up on (I used to be fun). We are far more loving towards each other and we talk a hell of a lot more than we did previously, as we have another person to think of in our lives (19 month old dd).

Rather than comparing to others, talk about the reasons for you and your DP reaching braking point? Perhaps MNers can help?

Missy20 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:33:04

I was just wondering what everyones relationships with hubby, partner or bf was like after having children. Me and my bf have been together 3yrs now and have a 14month old together. Our relationship is at braking point. I dont want my family to split up. Does everyone go through these patches after having children? Any advise?

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