Awkward party invite situation- wwyd?

(116 Posts)
bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 21:17:10

Dd2 will be 6 in a couple of weeks. She has invited around 8 children (from class of 22). We slipped invites into bags on Monday.

Dd chose all the guests. She's been talking about who she wants to come for weeks and it changed a fair bit week to week. One girl, I'll call her Betty, was pretty consistantly on it. Dd went to her party in October and she seemed to be one of the children mentioned a lot. Then as we were finalizing the list dd stopped mentioning her. I asked if she was invited, dd said not. No fall out or anything, just didn't want her there. I double checked before sending out the invites as I felt bad dd had been to her party, but dd was adamant Betty was not invited.
Today dd was it another girl's party, as was Betty. As we were leaving Betty's mum cornered me and very nicely said she'd heard dd was having a party, and she wasn't trying to make things awkward, but her mum had picked up Betty from school on the day of invites, so she wasn't sure if Betty should have one or not? She said its fine if not, she just didn't want to not reply if invite had been lost.
I couldn't face saying no, she's not invited, so just said, well dd did the list, I'm not 100% sure who she picked, I'll go home and check and email you if you should have one. Now I feel terrible!
So, should I A) email and say sorry, Betty is not invited B) not do anything or C) make dd invite Betty and email saying gosh, just found Betty's invite lying around, good thing you mentioned it!!!
Was I wrong not to reciprocate the invite in the first place?

TIA

Saddayinspring Sat 23-Mar-13 21:19:33

I do reciprocate.. Invite her / find it in dds bag

TheSecondComing Sat 23-Mar-13 21:21:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hermioneweasley Sat 23-Mar-13 21:23:50

Hmm, if Betty hasn't been ditched for a very good reason I think this is a lesson in hospitality for your dd - you can't accept it and then not return it.

I'd gently ask in the morning if there's a reason why she doesn't want Betty along. But go with her wishes.

i would ask dd why she doesn't want betty, and then depending on the reason decide. if for no good reason, then i'd say that as she had been to betty's it would be nice to invite betty back. otherwise say to mum, you're so sorry, it seems they've had a falling out and perhaps in a couple of months it will have blown over.

her mum sounds lovely. she sounds like she's genuinely puzzled and wants to know what's what. doesn't sound like she'll give you hell if her dd isn't invited.

Coconutty Sat 23-Mar-13 21:29:59

I always reciprocate tbh, so think you were wrong not to.

I think she will know full well that you do actually know who your 5 year old daughter invited, so will not expect to hear from you. Even if you do email her she'll know it's out of guilt so bit awkward all around now.

I would call her and invite her.

bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:43

Doesn't seem to be a reason for no Betty. She gave her a hug as they left the party today so obviously no fall out!
A bit of probing revealed the original reason Betty wasn't invited is that there is another Betty in the class who is dd's bff (family friend also). Dd didn't want bff Betty referred to as Betty Lastname confused, but now she says she just doesn't want Betty anyway. I'm leaning toward inviting her and claiming bff Betty got both invites....or would that look obvious?

In that case, I'd invite both Betty's. They're going to have this for many years to come, might as well get used to it now.

Saddayinspring Sat 23-Mar-13 21:43:24

Just say she should invite her as she has already been to Betty's party.
I don't like it when parents say " we only had those children because that's what dc wanted" ... Surely they need to learn manners and empathy?

Pancakeflipper Sat 23-Mar-13 21:48:05

I would just invite the other Betty if there's enough space/you can afford/cope with 1 extra.
Sounds like your daughter likes her and Betty could be back on the list next week.
I think it would cause more upset with no real reason than to not invite.

TheChaoGoesMu Sat 23-Mar-13 21:49:18

Unless there was a real problem I would insist that dd invited Betty.

bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 21:53:17

Dd is being adamant no Betty. She says Betty ignores her a lot of the time so that seems to be the reason. I have told her we'll discuss it later but I may overrule her on this one. She says inviting Betty will spoil the whole party<drama queen>.
Okay, so the consensus is I "find" Betty's invite and hope dd doesn't say anything rude and honest...

Inertia Sat 23-Mar-13 21:57:48

I'd 'find' the invite and tell the mum there had been a mix up as there were two girls named Betty .

chickensaladagain Sat 23-Mar-13 21:59:38

you can't possibly invite every child that your dd has ever been to a birthday party of

some pepople have class parties, some have smaller affairs

however Betty's mum sounds like Betty talks about your dd a lot, and Betty is puzzled about not getting an invite so she did the sensible thing and asked

if you can stretch to one more then email her, ever so sorry, got the Bettys mixed up and yes her dd is invited

chickensaladagain Sat 23-Mar-13 22:01:31

ah, missed your most recent post

if you went to a dinner party, and you really didn't enjoy it -would you really invite the host back to your house out of courtesy?

if your dd doesn't want her don't invite, it's her party

idiot55 Sat 23-Mar-13 22:02:05

go with your ddaughters decision, Bettys mum was wrong to ask you.

As an adult you shouldf be able to invite who you like and bettys mum as an adult needs to accept that

CharlotteBronteSaurus Sat 23-Mar-13 22:02:25

as long as there had been no major falling out, i'd invite her
dd2 was 6 recently and TBH i did insist that she invited people whose hospitality she'd enjoyed, even though this meant leaving out some others she was equally friendly with.

squiddle Sat 23-Mar-13 22:04:08

I would do what your dd wants - and tell the mum you are v sorry but she's not invited. It's silly to make your dd miserable on her bday. My dd has not been invited to several parties of girls who came to hers. She is not bothered by this- it is completely normal at this age.

I don't get this reciprocating business. DD1 is in the older half of the year. Since her party she's been invited to others that weren't at hers. Are we supposed to be psychic? It doesn't seem to be a problem.

Maryz Sat 23-Mar-13 22:08:14

The thing is, the girls will be friends next week, invite or no invite.

But actually emailing the mum and saying "no, my dd doesn't want yours" is difficult.

I don't think the mum has done anything wrong, by the way - it sounds as though they were good friends until a few days ago, and your dd went to her party, so it is entirely possible that the invitation could have been lost, especially with two Betty's in the class.

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:11:31

I do get this reciprocating business.

Gwendoline - whilst I completely appreciate your situation you do see that yours isn't actually about reciprocation? And people understand that.

Conversely, my DD1 has an August birthday and the people to who's birthday parties she has been always get invited first.

It is plain good manners to return an invitation - whole class parties not withstanding (DD has only been invited to one and we turned down the invite).

And - to whoever said it - yes, if someone invited me to dinner and I didn't enjoy it I would still invite them back out of courtesy.

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:17:10

It is not possibly to always reciprocate if Ops dd had an invite to 22 parties this year she can reciprocate them all if her own party had limits.

Personally I would invite Betty now. I'm not sure I would have gone with the original ditching in the first place, but saying that its impossible to completely police the dcs invitation list all of the time.

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:20:07

Why would you accept 22 invites if you know you're only going to book a party for, say, 9 though?

bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 22:20:11

In general I do agree with reciprocating, which is why I kept asking dd if she was sure. I also feel it is her choice, so left it and hoped Betty would maybe not hear about the party/mum would understand. I absolutely can't email back and say my dd doesn't want hers, so I do feel she's forced my hand but I understand why as I was surprised by dd's decision.

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