Would this worry you re DD (4) and DH?

(44 Posts)
Justbeingsilly Mon 04-Mar-13 13:14:43

I am quite confused about how to deal with this so please be gentle. I have name changed.

DD is four. We also have a DS who is older. Been married over 10 years, generally decent relationship, no major drama.

DH was very involved with DS when he was a baby, very hands on. Complete opposite with DD for the first two years, almost like he felt it was inappropriate for him to change her nappy etc. now that she is older he has a week spot for her, loves playing together.

Their favourite game is wrestling. He holds her really tight and she struggles to get out of his grip. She loves playing this and giggles happily, always talks about how she won. She runs after him asking him to play this the moment he gets in from work.

Yesterday I was cooking and they were playing with her dolls in the living room. I went to get something and found them laying on the carpet, cuddling. I asked what they were doing and DH said sleeping.

I returned to the kitchen than later noticed they had moved upstairs to the bedroom. When DD came down 10mins later I asked what they were doing and she said playing doctors. On further questioning She said she hurt her toe and daddy made it better.

This is all completely innocent and I am an idiot for worrying about it right? I have absolutely no reason to suspect anything wrong with this. I have not been abused myself and DH is the most prudish guy I have met. It is just all the stuff I keep reading about here and in the papers has made me super sensitive.

So my question is, would this worry you and if so, what would you do about it?

Unacceptable Mon 04-Mar-13 13:29:18

Nothing you've posted would make me worry but I am wondering why you are alluding to something else?

Is there anything you are leaving out?

If not maybe it's time to stop reading about horrific experiences of others and focus more on your family

Fairylea Mon 04-Mar-13 13:30:30

No this wouldn't worry me at all. The big question is why does it worry you?

All sounds very innocent to me. The same way I lie on the floor and cuddle ds and sometimes we go upstairs and play etc.

Has anything else happened to make you worry ?

Do you think he is abusing her? You must do otherwise you wouldn't post this.

Timetoask Mon 04-Mar-13 13:34:01

I don't understand why you are worried? If the scene you have described is all you have to go,on, Either you are completely paranoid! Or you have an amazing sixth sense. I cuddle with my dc all the time!

claraschu Mon 04-Mar-13 13:35:27

The thing that would worry me here is that he never changed her nappy and that he is prudish; that would bother me, but that's just my reaction, not yours, so not really relevant.

Based on your description of their playing together, I can't understand why such horrible thoughts would come within 100 miles of crossing your mind.

Why are you suspicious of your husband?

Unless there is something you are leaving out I think you are being very paranoid.

Justbeingsilly Mon 04-Mar-13 13:38:50

I don't think he is abusing her, but I don't feel comfortable with this game as it feels inappropriate. . There is something I am leaving out purely because I don't know how to write about it.

As most little girls discover their body so did she and when she. When she asked to play the wrestling game with me she was rubbing agains me and getting excited. It made me feel uncomfortable and i stopped her. I really do not like the thought of her doing the same with DH.

Justbeingsilly Mon 04-Mar-13 13:41:53

I am relieved you all think I am paranoid though. I should just be happy that they have a good relationship.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Mar-13 13:53:43

You're not an idiot for being concerned for your DD's wellbeing, I wonder what has triggered this, it may be something you are uncomfortable about without necessarily being able to pinpoint why. It's a big leap from seeing DD play or rough-house with her father to thinking he is behaving inappropriately.

I remember being told by my mum quite sharply, "You're too old for that now" when at primary school and playing 'riding horses' on a male relative's knee.

We all probably have fears about our children's safety out in the world but it's perhaps less usual to think something is happening at home - not of course impossible. I wouldn't say you are being paranoid and obviously if there are underlying concerns about your DH's ways of demonstrating affection or love towards you yourself, there'd be every reason to be protective of your DC.

Your DD is 4 and would probably be able to verbalise if something untoward happened, even if she didn't realise it was inappropriate she would tell you about an adult doing something strange or unusual. At some point pre-school you'd probably have a talk with her about boundaries, what is appropriate, always telling Mummy or Daddy if someone touches them or hurts them or tells them to keep secrets.

Ozziegirly Tue 05-Mar-13 05:15:52

Justbeingsilly - my 2yo DS sometimes "rubs" himself against me or DH when we're cuddling or messing about. I, like you feel a bit weird about it but it's me that is ascribing a "sexual" meaninmg to his otherwise totally innocent discovery of his body.

I just distract him and he isn't persistent about it.

If that's your concern, it's understandable, but should really only be an issue if you think that your DH would act in any way other than that appropriate to a father.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 06:03:16

No it wouldn't worry me and my DH is like this with DD.

I trust him 100%.

To be honest it's quite worrying for your relationship that you think this of our DH sad

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 06:03:30

*your

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 06:05:31

DD also can get frisky and start wanting to rub on us and DH just says Oi none of that or Similar, is no big deal to me.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 06:05:56

Frisky sounds wrong but you know what I mean,

Iggly Tue 05-Mar-13 07:30:41

Why don't you ask your DH what he does when your dd does that? So you have a common approach?

I agree with a poster who said that something must have triggered it.

When they disappear to play doctors or whatever why not pop in on them to reassure yourself that it's fine?

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 07:52:29

Do you think he looks aroused or something? Or does it maybe trigger memories of a slightly inappropriate relative when you were young?

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 07:53:02

I thought it was a bit odd to talk of it 'moving to the bedroom"..to me that would just be 'playing in her room"

I'm surprised by some of the responses here. Usually when this type of thing comes up people say your instincts are there for a reason and should be trusted.

Agree you should talk about a common approach.

Your DH might also need to talk about it and probably felt uncomfortable saying 'what should we do when she rubs against us'?

The fact you haven't discussed it is a worry, maybe that's down to his 'prudishness'? I imagine it might be difficult for him to notice that she is exciting herself rubbing against him when wrestling.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 05-Mar-13 08:04:34

Well..people just have different opinions

ChestyLeRoux Tue 05-Mar-13 08:05:48

Your op sounds like what every dad in the world does with their dd.There must be a lot more to this to make you suspicious.

Thewhingingdefective Tue 05-Mar-13 08:23:45

What you describe would not worry me,however that is not to say that there is anything wrong with the thought crossing your mind. It is somewhat sad to have that kind of fear about the activity of a loving father, but I guess the only person we fully trust is ourself.

Iggly Tue 05-Mar-13 08:27:39

Yes kiss you're right. I almost said that but suggested the OP speak to her DH instead and go and see them play.

My initial thought was one of deep unease but that's because of past experiences so don't like to project.

Chandon Tue 05-Mar-13 09:04:47

? Op does not sound sinister.

I play with my DC, and they love it if I say " you can't escape!" and hold them tight and they wriggle free. Wrestling and tickling games too. Isn't it what normal parents do?!

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