Expectation From Partner Regarding Cleaning

(31 Posts)
Kimmyrich Sat 02-Mar-13 00:11:56

Whenever I mention that a friend maybe popping over he always expects the house to be 100 % clean top to bottom. Evan though I only had our little one just 10 days ago and they have offered to help when the pop over. I have tried talking to him to get him to understand and he just says if it'smnot clean I may as well go out to see them. What can I do? Sorry if I have posted this in. The wrong section but wasn't sure where to post this.

ElliesWellies Wed 13-Mar-13 22:49:07

He sounds OTT. The house can't get that dirty in the space of a few hours if he has tidied round the evening before your guests come. He'd rather you be isolated than have your guests see a few unwashed plates? He needs to get his priorities straight.

rachi1990xx Tue 12-Mar-13 18:46:40

Omg who does he think he is tell him to get off his arse and do it himself you have just been through a very stressful and emotional time you should not have to lift a finger you need to talk to him before it gets worse chin up hunny x

ZuleikaD Tue 05-Mar-13 07:48:41

What has been said upthread about needing rest in order to 'make' milk is absolutely true. You cannot, indeed must not spend time in between feeds haring round cleaning stuff, otherwise your supply won't be able to keep up - your body only has so much energy and making milk is a high intensity process.

cakes, this is massively off-topic (and I only mention it in case you come back to the thread because it reminds me of a friend of ours) but it's possible your DH might perhaps benefit from talking to someone about why he feels the need to have everything so clean all the time. In particular, cleaning the house rather than supporting you in labour isn't a 'usual' reaction. Our friend has got a lot out of some cognitive behavioural therapy and is now better able to cope with some of the things that used to drive him crazy.

expatinscotland Mon 04-Mar-13 19:26:51

Then you point him in the direction of the cleaning cupboard and tell him to get on with it. If he's gone then you tell him to leave it clean before he leaves if he wants it that way. Then ignore the rest of his comments.

HearMyRoar Mon 04-Mar-13 19:23:33

My HV and midwife were both very clear that they considered a spotless house a warning sign that there maybe something amiss. My HV said, and I quote, 'if they are spending time cleaning they aren't spending it looking after their baby. A house with a newborn in should be a mess.'

I think maybe you should tell your dp this and if necessary speak to your midwife or HV and ask what their opinions are. At this stage all your energy should be focused on your baby, you don't have time to clean as well. I remember days when I was bfing dd all day and barely had the chance to leave bed, dp used to come home from work at lunchtime and bring me sandwiches, bless him grin

Lavenderhoney Mon 04-Mar-13 18:42:17

Kimmy- he's going to have to get over the fact that being at home all day after giving birth does not mean you are going to run round with a duster just before he gets home. He'll expect lip gloss nextsmile and his dinner on the table.

Babies make a huge amount of messsmile and calming a crying baby takes precedence over tidying. What will he do if he gets home and baby is asleep ( finally!) and you are slumped in front of the tv? Shout? Moan? Make you wish he had stayed at work? Not believe you have been struggling to get a baby to sleep or the endless demand for milk from a growing baby who wants comfort? Your baby will sense your stress and it can affect milk flow.

When the baby sleeps, you must rest. Your milk need a chance to replenish, so grab a sandwich, and drink loads and loads of water. Make sure your freezer is full and eat foods that heat up easily and can be eaten with one hand whilst balancing said starving babysmile like lasagne for instance.

When you feel like it, you will be able to potter about a bit, but as I'm guessing it's you up in the night bf which yes is just sitting but you are making milk, you need to rest.

Invite who you like, it's your home and your baby's home too. Don't let him dis-invite people due to new baby mess- that would be controlling.

cakesonatrain Mon 04-Mar-13 18:24:27

Sleep whenever it is possible.

QTPie Mon 04-Mar-13 18:20:08

Agreed - sleep when you can and eat really well. Look after yourself well and it helps you to look after baby well smile

Take care.

Meringue33 Mon 04-Mar-13 17:52:12

If you are bf that is your number 1 occupation - too much exercise eg housework could affect your supply. Eat well sleep when you can relax and enjoy building a bond with your baby to last a lifetime smile

Meringue33 Mon 04-Mar-13 17:49:41

Take all you can is my advice! If you feel tired and baby is sleeping, lie right down.

Kimmyrich Mon 04-Mar-13 17:40:35

Thanks for all the the replies and thanks Moose for asking how I am.

Baby and I are getting on well andbbreast feeding is going well.

He does do the house work, it's just he goes back to work tomorrow so if people are due round he expects to to be clean even if he's not here. Even though all my friends and family have said not to worry if there is any mess we shall help.

Also I would like more advice, how much sleep did you take during the day while breast feeding?

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Mon 04-Mar-13 03:16:38

Thanks Funnys blush

Have you had another talk to him yet OP? More importantly, how are you and the baby?

FunnysInLaJardin Sun 03-Mar-13 21:47:03

that poem ^^ up there from Moose is lovely and all you need to know. My DC are 3 and 7 and I am only just getting this!

cakesonatrain Sun 03-Mar-13 21:42:04

My DH is a little like this. Do you know what he did when I was in labour with DS? He cleaned the fucking house, because he knew people would be coming round to visit after he was born. Only after that was done would he come sit with me and be supportive husband.
He prioritises a clean/tidy house over spending time with DS himself, and will say things like 'the house is like a bombsite' when a 10-minute tidy would sort it out. He constantly tidies up DS's toys/instructs DS to put his toys away (DS is 19mo) rather than wait til a natural break or til bedtime.

I think some people just have different priorities. I would rather have an acceptably clean but slightly messy house, and play lots with my little boy. DH would rather have a spotless house.

ZuleikaD Sat 02-Mar-13 13:26:21

What the others said. Tell him to get off his arse and do it himself, as well as dialling his expectations of cleanliness right back. Or pay for a cleaner.

clam Sat 02-Mar-13 12:47:51

So next time he asks you "nicely" if you're OK, you'd better say "no," and explain why not.

I'm not quite clear who it is he expects to do this 100% clean? You say he's not averse to doing some himself (good. as it should be) but he is going to have to realise that you're busy doing something else at the moment - recovering from childbirth and looking after a newborn. Just remind him that years ago, new mums weren't even allowed out of hospital for 10 days. possibly ecause the midwives knew that most men would have done sod all to help.

mummy2benji Sat 02-Mar-13 12:26:01

I would love my house to be clean and tidy but frankly it hasn't been since I had ds1 4 years ago! And now I have dd2 (4 months) so it has got even harder to do housework. I feel like I spend half the day trying to clean and tidy but by the time I've done the laundry and the kitchen ds is complaining that I've abandoned him and dd is also demanding my attention. The upstairs is so dusty thankfully the kids don't seem to have dust allergies! Ds picked up a clump of dust the other day and said "what's this?" blush I try hard to make sure the place isn't a complete pigsty when people come over, but it is never going to be spick and span unless I get a cleaner - not an option while on maternity leave.

I don't wish to be completely unkind to your dh as I do like my house to be clean and feel very frustrated at times that I can't get it that way, particularly if I have a friend coming over. But you have to relax your standards when you have kids, or else pay a professional cleaner. There isn't the time in the day to attend to all their needs and keep the house clean from top to bottom. This is maybe a long-term issue for the two of you to think about as it will remain a problem even when baby is older. Right now though you have recently given birth and can't be expected to do anything other than feed baby and look after yourself as much as possible. He either needs to clean it all himself or let others help. Or can he just clean the downstairs rooms that people will see, and the toilet? Life is stressful enough with a small baby without adding all this extra pressure onto yourselves. No visitors will care less if your place is a pigsty right now, you're entitled to forego housework when postnatal!

QTPie Sat 02-Mar-13 09:22:24

I am very house proud, but...

You have just had a baby! Infact, being a stepford wife is not an option for a year or two really (even if you want to!).

Honestly, if he wants it clean then he does it (or, of the option is there, pays for a cleaner). He should not get in the way of you having visitors (assuming you want visitors) - whether the house is clean or not.

It isn't like you are trying to sell your house and are having viewings...

Has he always been like this? Certainly with a new child you need to "relax" and prioritise (and cleaning is a long way from the top of the list...). Also, as the baby grows up, they become "mess monsters" (crumbs, spills, ripping things, paint, stickers, baking, marks on walls): either you "go with the flow" a bit or you go insane ;)

tasmaniandevilchaser Sat 02-Mar-13 05:53:16

Good grief! Does his need for a clean house really trump your need for rest after giving birth??!! And your need to look after your new born baby???!!! This is not good.

He is going to have a horrible horrible shock when you start weaning (clue - loads of mess!), when your baby is a toddler and creating havoc.

My DH certainly isn't averse to a clean house but he'd be just getting on cleaning not whinging to me about it!!!

Is there any way you can "mention" this to the midwife in passing, i.e. do you find that mothers of new born babies you visit are doing much housework? and see if she can back you up?

This might be better in "relationships", you can "report" and ask for it to be moved.

noblegiraffe Sat 02-Mar-13 05:42:29

If he wants the house to be spotless with a baby he needs to hire a cleaner or break out the Mr Muscle himself because you're going to be too busy being a mother to hop to his expectations.

Has he not noticed that babies are quite demanding? Also, your friends are visiting you and the baby, not a show home.

Lavenderhoney Sat 02-Mar-13 05:09:17

Well you are not ok are you? People are coming to see you not inspect your home and comment on it. If they do, they are not your friends!

As long as its clean, a bitof mess is normal. You need to sort it now or he will be very unable to cope with a crawling baby or toddler. You don't want your child growing up scared to play do you?

Invite who you like, and say " sorry about the mess" and they will say " oh didn't notice it"

Youve just had a baby. No one died wishing they had neglected their newborn to Hoover a bit. In fact, we banned hoovering unless ds was out of the house as he never sleptsmile

Kimmyrich Sat 02-Mar-13 05:02:35

Oh yes, he has always been this house proud and when I try and say that we can't always have things the same way now we have a newborn he does not agree. I think he know's I'm not impressed after last night conversation as after a week up feed with out little one he asked nicely if I was okay and I just replied with a gently yeah.

TanteRose Sat 02-Mar-13 04:44:36

He is being ridiculous - just invite your friends over

And definitely take them up on the offer of help

He can't stop them coming to visit - because that would be controlling and abusive

LadyWidmerpool Sat 02-Mar-13 03:53:16

He should be waiting on you hand and foot. Are you still under midwife care? They don't like it when new mums have spotless houses for good reasons i.e. you and your baby should be resting and bonding and your partner, family and friends should be caring for you.

EMS23 Sat 02-Mar-13 02:42:33

Is ignoring him an option? He's obviously being stupid so smile and nod might be the best option.
You've got a lot on your plate with a brand new baby, last thing you need is to be arguing about this. Would he drop it if you didn't engage with him about it?
Was he so house proud before the baby was born?

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