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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Expectation From Partner Regarding Cleaning

30 replies

Kimmyrich · 02/03/2013 00:11

Whenever I mention that a friend maybe popping over he always expects the house to be 100 % clean top to bottom. Evan though I only had our little one just 10 days ago and they have offered to help when the pop over. I have tried talking to him to get him to understand and he just says if it'smnot clean I may as well go out to see them. What can I do? Sorry if I have posted this in. The wrong section but wasn't sure where to post this.

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MajaBiene · 02/03/2013 00:16

If he wants it 100% clean then surely he needs to do the cleaning?

If you had a baby 10 days ago you must not lift a finger.

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stifnstav · 02/03/2013 00:21

Tell him to fuck right off.

Are you Mrs Mop? Presumably he is on pat leave? Tell him to do it if he's bothered, your friend doesn't give a shit what the house looks like and neither does the baby.

Point to the hoover/duster/whatever those items are called (don't use them often) and tell him to get the fucking elbow grease out if he's that arsed.

Does he realise that you are bleeding, knackered, drained, all over the show, hungry, sleepy (and several other dwarves) all at once?

In the words of my DH, he needs to give his head a wobble.

Oh and point to the calendar. It isn't 1954.

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MarjorieAntrobus · 02/03/2013 00:32

I don't like the sound of your partner, OP.

You're post-natal and in no state to do more than the bare minimum. HE can do it, so can the friends/family who are visiting.

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Kimmyrich · 02/03/2013 02:03

It's not that he won't do any cleaning himself at all he just expects it to be clean 100 % before anyone arrives. If I suggest he has a OCD or he expects to much especially that I have just had a baby he thinks I am being silly.

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MooseBeTimeForCoffee · 02/03/2013 02:18

Show him this thread OP. I think he's being an arse.

Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby, loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)

Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.

Song for a fifth child by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

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EMS23 · 02/03/2013 02:42

Is ignoring him an option? He's obviously being stupid so smile and nod might be the best option.
You've got a lot on your plate with a brand new baby, last thing you need is to be arguing about this. Would he drop it if you didn't engage with him about it?
Was he so house proud before the baby was born?

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LadyWidmerpool · 02/03/2013 03:53

He should be waiting on you hand and foot. Are you still under midwife care? They don't like it when new mums have spotless houses for good reasons i.e. you and your baby should be resting and bonding and your partner, family and friends should be caring for you.

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TanteRose · 02/03/2013 04:44

He is being ridiculous - just invite your friends over

And definitely take them up on the offer of help

He can't stop them coming to visit - because that would be controlling and abusive

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Kimmyrich · 02/03/2013 05:02

Oh yes, he has always been this house proud and when I try and say that we can't always have things the same way now we have a newborn he does not agree. I think he know's I'm not impressed after last night conversation as after a week up feed with out little one he asked nicely if I was okay and I just replied with a gently yeah.

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Lavenderhoney · 02/03/2013 05:09

Well you are not ok are you? People are coming to see you not inspect your home and comment on it. If they do, they are not your friends!

As long as its clean, a bitof mess is normal. You need to sort it now or he will be very unable to cope with a crawling baby or toddler. You don't want your child growing up scared to play do you?

Invite who you like, and say " sorry about the mess" and they will say " oh didn't notice it"

Youve just had a baby. No one died wishing they had neglected their newborn to Hoover a bit. In fact, we banned hoovering unless ds was out of the house as he never slept:)

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noblegiraffe · 02/03/2013 05:42

If he wants the house to be spotless with a baby he needs to hire a cleaner or break out the Mr Muscle himself because you're going to be too busy being a mother to hop to his expectations.

Has he not noticed that babies are quite demanding? Also, your friends are visiting you and the baby, not a show home.

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 02/03/2013 05:53

Good grief! Does his need for a clean house really trump your need for rest after giving birth??!! And your need to look after your new born baby???!!! This is not good.

He is going to have a horrible horrible shock when you start weaning (clue - loads of mess!), when your baby is a toddler and creating havoc.

My DH certainly isn't averse to a clean house but he'd be just getting on cleaning not whinging to me about it!!!

Is there any way you can "mention" this to the midwife in passing, i.e. do you find that mothers of new born babies you visit are doing much housework? and see if she can back you up?

This might be better in "relationships", you can "report" and ask for it to be moved.

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QTPie · 02/03/2013 09:22

I am very house proud, but...

You have just had a baby! Infact, being a stepford wife is not an option for a year or two really (even if you want to!).

Honestly, if he wants it clean then he does it (or, of the option is there, pays for a cleaner). He should not get in the way of you having visitors (assuming you want visitors) - whether the house is clean or not.

It isn't like you are trying to sell your house and are having viewings...

Has he always been like this? Certainly with a new child you need to "relax" and prioritise (and cleaning is a long way from the top of the list...). Also, as the baby grows up, they become "mess monsters" (crumbs, spills, ripping things, paint, stickers, baking, marks on walls): either you "go with the flow" a bit or you go insane ;)

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mummy2benji · 02/03/2013 12:26

I would love my house to be clean and tidy but frankly it hasn't been since I had ds1 4 years ago! And now I have dd2 (4 months) so it has got even harder to do housework. I feel like I spend half the day trying to clean and tidy but by the time I've done the laundry and the kitchen ds is complaining that I've abandoned him and dd is also demanding my attention. The upstairs is so dusty thankfully the kids don't seem to have dust allergies! Ds picked up a clump of dust the other day and said "what's this?" I try hard to make sure the place isn't a complete pigsty when people come over, but it is never going to be spick and span unless I get a cleaner - not an option while on maternity leave.

I don't wish to be completely unkind to your dh as I do like my house to be clean and feel very frustrated at times that I can't get it that way, particularly if I have a friend coming over. But you have to relax your standards when you have kids, or else pay a professional cleaner. There isn't the time in the day to attend to all their needs and keep the house clean from top to bottom. This is maybe a long-term issue for the two of you to think about as it will remain a problem even when baby is older. Right now though you have recently given birth and can't be expected to do anything other than feed baby and look after yourself as much as possible. He either needs to clean it all himself or let others help. Or can he just clean the downstairs rooms that people will see, and the toilet? Life is stressful enough with a small baby without adding all this extra pressure onto yourselves. No visitors will care less if your place is a pigsty right now, you're entitled to forego housework when postnatal!

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clam · 02/03/2013 12:47

So next time he asks you "nicely" if you're OK, you'd better say "no," and explain why not.

I'm not quite clear who it is he expects to do this 100% clean? You say he's not averse to doing some himself (good. as it should be) but he is going to have to realise that you're busy doing something else at the moment - recovering from childbirth and looking after a newborn. Just remind him that years ago, new mums weren't even allowed out of hospital for 10 days. possibly ecause the midwives knew that most men would have done sod all to help.

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ZuleikaD · 02/03/2013 13:26

What the others said. Tell him to get off his arse and do it himself, as well as dialling his expectations of cleanliness right back. Or pay for a cleaner.

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cakesonatrain · 03/03/2013 21:42

My DH is a little like this. Do you know what he did when I was in labour with DS? He cleaned the fucking house, because he knew people would be coming round to visit after he was born. Only after that was done would he come sit with me and be supportive husband.
He prioritises a clean/tidy house over spending time with DS himself, and will say things like 'the house is like a bombsite' when a 10-minute tidy would sort it out. He constantly tidies up DS's toys/instructs DS to put his toys away (DS is 19mo) rather than wait til a natural break or til bedtime.

I think some people just have different priorities. I would rather have an acceptably clean but slightly messy house, and play lots with my little boy. DH would rather have a spotless house.

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FunnysInLaJardin · 03/03/2013 21:47

that poem ^^ up there from Moose is lovely and all you need to know. My DC are 3 and 7 and I am only just getting this!

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MooseBeTimeForCoffee · 04/03/2013 03:16

Thanks Funnys

Have you had another talk to him yet OP? More importantly, how are you and the baby?

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Kimmyrich · 04/03/2013 17:40

Thanks for all the the replies and thanks Moose for asking how I am.

Baby and I are getting on well andbbreast feeding is going well.

He does do the house work, it's just he goes back to work tomorrow so if people are due round he expects to to be clean even if he's not here. Even though all my friends and family have said not to worry if there is any mess we shall help.

Also I would like more advice, how much sleep did you take during the day while breast feeding?

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Meringue33 · 04/03/2013 17:49

Take all you can is my advice! If you feel tired and baby is sleeping, lie right down.

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Meringue33 · 04/03/2013 17:52

If you are bf that is your number 1 occupation - too much exercise eg housework could affect your supply. Eat well sleep when you can relax and enjoy building a bond with your baby to last a lifetime :)

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QTPie · 04/03/2013 18:20

Agreed - sleep when you can and eat really well. Look after yourself well and it helps you to look after baby well :)

Take care.

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cakesonatrain · 04/03/2013 18:24

Sleep whenever it is possible.

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Lavenderhoney · 04/03/2013 18:42

Kimmy- he's going to have to get over the fact that being at home all day after giving birth does not mean you are going to run round with a duster just before he gets home. He'll expect lip gloss next:) and his dinner on the table.

Babies make a huge amount of mess:) and calming a crying baby takes precedence over tidying. What will he do if he gets home and baby is asleep ( finally!) and you are slumped in front of the tv? Shout? Moan? Make you wish he had stayed at work? Not believe you have been struggling to get a baby to sleep or the endless demand for milk from a growing baby who wants comfort? Your baby will sense your stress and it can affect milk flow.

When the baby sleeps, you must rest. Your milk need a chance to replenish, so grab a sandwich, and drink loads and loads of water. Make sure your freezer is full and eat foods that heat up easily and can be eaten with one hand whilst balancing said starving baby:) like lasagne for instance.

When you feel like it, you will be able to potter about a bit, but as I'm guessing it's you up in the night bf which yes is just sitting but you are making milk, you need to rest.

Invite who you like, it's your home and your baby's home too. Don't let him dis-invite people due to new baby mess- that would be controlling.