Please tell me it's not so bad...

(65 Posts)
Gingerandcocoa Sat 09-Feb-13 21:21:40

I've come to the parenting board because I want to hear from people who have children from different ages...

I've been wanting to start a family with DH for ages, but now we're nearly ready to TTC and I'm scared I'm "throwing away" the best years of our lives. We're around 30 y/o, professionals with good salaries, lovely flat, good social life. I want to have a baby and don't want to leave it too late.

But then I read here about how tiring and terribly difficult children are, about mums not having time to brush their teeth, tantrums, crying, strained marriages as a result, more crying, messy houses, lack of sleep, -and yes more crying.

Is it worth it, though?? Not at the end, but throughout it all, do you ever regret it??? Are there "easy" children who are not much work at all??? Basically I'm just hoping someone will tell me there's hope and that motherhood will be a GOOD thing!!!!

Diamond7 Tue 19-Feb-13 08:17:41

I'm 31 and sounds similar to you. We have a 7week old and so far loving it!!! Just amazing.

We co sleep (following safety guidelines) so getting a good amount of sleep.

I use a sling/wrap (ring and moby) so can still clean my teeth, tidy up, clean whilst baby sleeps.

Greatest adventure yet so far. And we can still go to the pub!

recall Tue 19-Feb-13 01:10:41

cubtrouble I agree, and the best thing is, it gets better and better.

recall Tue 19-Feb-13 01:03:46

Forget about "trying to get your life back"

That one has gone, this is your life now so get stuck in and enjoy it.

If you can't get out of it.....get into it grin

Cubtrouble Tue 19-Feb-13 00:52:06

And one more thing, start saving now!!!! Lol you can never have enough money!! Money and muslins, all you need xx

Cubtrouble Tue 19-Feb-13 00:48:07

I'm in my thirties also. For me having my baby was the best thing I've ever done. I waited. We travelled a lot and ticked many things from our buckle list I suppose. We have a nice house and reasonable income. But nothing, nothing compares to how it feels when that baby is born and you hold them for the first time. Nothing.

People can tell you on here how good it is etc, but you will never truly know until you do it for yourself. I'm not saying its easy, but the real good stuff is never easy but it is so so so worth it. Our son is 10 months old, I love him more than I could ever imagine is it possible to love someone, he is a good baby, he sleeps well but even if he didn't I would feel the same, he smiles at you and you could just melt away with happiness. Being a parent is amazing and you won't know unless you try.

Good luck!!

LadyKinbote Mon 18-Feb-13 21:58:29

For me, the newborn stage is a bloody nightmare but each subsequent phase is better than the last. Once they're toilet trained you start to get your life back and all the things that were impossible with a newborn are suddenly possible again. (Some people have easy newborns though and say the opposite!)
I have oh-my-god-there's-poo-on-my-hand moments and I-cant-believe-these-beautiful-children-are-mine moments. No question that my DC have improved my life tremendously though.
Just one thing worth remembering - pregnancy can take a lot of trying! So don't leave it too long, just in case.

muminneedofsleep Mon 18-Feb-13 21:55:32

I only started really living my life after having my children... Nothing compares to the joy and love they give you. Although having said that there will always be days you wish you were on a deserted island and would sell your jimmy choos for just five mins peace! But hey it's hard but rewarding, there will be laughter out weighing tears, hugs taking precedence over sleep and I never knew you could love/despair all in the same minute but you can and you will...kids aren't easy but nothing really good ever is. Good luck

okthen Mon 18-Feb-13 21:45:44

Love all these posts. Important to add, I think, that motherhood is not 'one size fits all'. You can make it work in a way that feels right for you.
Your old life needn't be over- UNLESS you want it to be/let it be (and you may surprise yourself...)

Some people I know actively want to maintain social life, travel, career, exercise etc. They make it work with good childcare, both parents sharing the load, working bloody hard, and bottle feeding! One woman I know went on hols abroad (without baby) when her baby was really young.

Another couple I know are fabulous creative types who work from home with the baby roaming around, and take her off round the country on their work trips.

Me? I have realised that, especially during the baby phase (dc2 now 15 weeks old) I prefer my world to shrink. I don't want to go out socialising, I want to stay in and have lovely times with my little family. I enjoy breastfeeding and don't mind that it is tying. I am really tired but I downsize my life accordingly so I don't get (too) frazzled. Having said that, I look forward to when dc2 is older and I can enjoy the odd weekend away (am fantasising about health spas atm!). My career has suffered as I wanted to go part time and didn't want to do the crazy hours that success in my field entails- but I COULD have stayed full time and carried on moving up the ladder- I know plenty of mums who have.

It's important to own your choices though. The greatest source of angst for me has been feeling that I could/should be doing things a certain way- but all the kids I know are happy, loved and well-balanced even though their mums/parents take completely different approaches as above.

Have never, ever regretted it. In fact just minutes after dc2 was born I informed dp that I am SO not done yet. If money/space/age were no object, I'd just keep on popping them out!

CheerfulYank Mon 18-Feb-13 21:08:00

I guess it depends. It cut down on nights out, but I was out having brunch with friends when DS was 5 days old (he stayed home with DH.) I still went out to movies, restaurants, and had sleepovers with friends and wine almost as often as I ever did. Still do.

Titchyboomboom Mon 18-Feb-13 21:05:35

Best thing I ever did, no regrets, tired but beyond happy!

dikkertjedap Mon 18-Feb-13 21:04:21

Your life changes totally. The first few years, you social life may be almost non-existent. You will have very little time for yourself.

CheerfulYank Mon 18-Feb-13 20:54:40

Also your life changes in every way, true, but you don't have to stop being you.

CheerfulYank Mon 18-Feb-13 20:53:41

I got <accidentally> pregnant with DS at 24 and was terrified!

Now he's 5 and a half and is my very heart. He drives me crazy sometimes, and I had awful pnd, and it forced DH and I to make a lot of decisions about housing, work, etc. But I never, ever regret him. smile

DD is due in May and I'm sure we'll feel the same about her.

Emmaw9 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:44:31

Best job in the world!!
I'm 29 and was putting off children until we had more money, been on this holiday etc...
Then I got pregnant, we were in the middle of buying a house, I'd just started a brilliant secondment opportunity at work and we still hadn't visited all these places we wanted!
Now I have an 11 week old baby and none of these things I worried about then are important to me now!! Yes it was hard moving (it took that long I was 33 weeks when we finally got in) and working in a tough environment but I can honestly say this was the perfect time. we were financially comfortable.
Like my mum said, you can put it off and before you know it you might be too old.
Oh, and my baby is an angel!! Pleasant, happy and sleeping 6-8 hours a night since 8 weeks old.
It definetly is the best thing ever!!

zcos Wed 13-Feb-13 23:51:43

my dd is 10 weeks ... and its not a walk in the park (see other posts) but the bad moments are no worse than other bad times ... being home with my baby not half as stressful as my job used to be ... and I find myself crying with happiness at least once a day! I didn't have the lack of sleep or need to plan everything in advance but I also didn't have these overwhelming highs! I have fallen hard for my dd and every day has several high points...who needs a tidy house when you can have that.
other things that I would throw in the mix is that I started trying at 30 and half as did wait a bit and then took a year to conceive that isn't long but was v stressful in the end so bare that in mind if you do start trying you may not get pregnant that quickly.
As your obviously having doubts about being a mum straight away why not wait 6 months have some fab holidays and revisit it again... I found when I did that before we were trying I appreciated the things I knew I couldn't do when I had a baby... but also started to envy families with young children I saw too I got to want it more and more! grin

morescribbles Wed 13-Feb-13 23:24:32

smile I remember the complete bewilderment when I found myself pregnant with our first. The trick is to keep a sense of humour about it all. We have five now aged 5 to 11 and I childmind five other kids. Children are funny and fascinating and it's wonderful to see your little parcel of personality emerge into whoever and whatever they are going to be and great fun to add a bit of courage here, a bit of craziness there, a touch of artistry, some stubbornness, cheekiness, great air guitar skills, a love of some random old pop group etc. They are what they are but as parents you really have the chance to add lots of splashes of colour to their personalities.

Some days the kids have more fun fighting than playing and as they go through hormonal days they pull all sorts of faces, tempers and sulks but the echoes of the past and our own strops and tempers keep it all in perspective and it really isn't that bad at all. When your children go to toddler groups/schools you soon find lots of fellow parents to talk to and the tougher times are usually understood and shared.

Good luck!

mummy2benji Wed 13-Feb-13 21:03:26

We are also both professionals - both doctors - loved ski-ing and eating out, started a family aged 30. We now have ds aged 4 and dd 3 months and I can barely remember pre-children! Yes that lifestyle was pleasant but I wouldn't change a thing - children are the best, most rewarding and fun thing you can have in life. I adore being a mum and it has given me a satisfaction and purpose in life that I didn't know I was missing.

Margie32 Wed 13-Feb-13 14:51:39

ivanapoo your last line made me cry but in a good way smile.

OP, your child might be easy or really bloody difficult but you'll never regret having him/her IMO. Besides, I think the easy/difficult thing applies more to stages than to individual children. My DS1 wasn't easy up until a year old and from 1-2 he was a dream. Now he's 2 and throwing regular and quite spectacular tantrums which obviously provides a whole new challenge.

I'm writing this with DS2, 8 wks old, on my lap. He's just grinned up at me and that just melts my heart. My DSs are without a doubt the best things that have ever happened to me. I also think they've helped me be a better person - I'm more patient and less lazy than I used to be. My relationship with my own Mum has also improved hugely since having kids of my own.

I had my DSs when I was 32 and 34, and I definitely felt ready. I spent my 20s having plenty of wild and wonderful times and I can honestly say that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything now. Life doesn't end when you have kids, it just changes.

Downsides: you will never truly be free again

Upsides: you will never have a better reason to be alive.

CrackleMauve Tue 12-Feb-13 18:16:23

Yesterday I was feeling poorly and had a lie down on the sofa. My toddler came and dragged a blanket onto me and gave me a kiss. Even when it's really, really hard being a parent, it is wonderful. I never knew I could be so happy.

I'm 36 and had my first child 15 weeks ago. Really wish I was 5 years younger. But health issues and then a year of ttc meant it happened later than I'd have liked.

Life is different, but better different.

purrpurr Tue 12-Feb-13 17:03:22

Ginger, I'm not a mum, only 6 months pregnant, but I had been convinced for long periods of time that I desperately wanted a kid, for about 8 years. The conviction would wane from time to time, but then rear its head again. Finally we decided to TTC. We got pregnant in 2 weeks, there wasn't really much time to enjoy the 'oooh what if' TTC stage - sorry I know it is awful and heartbreaking for those who do struggle, but I was expecting it to take a couple of months - to get pregnant immediately when I still had a stash of very good champagne in my kitchen caused me to laugh hysterically and then sit down quite hard.

Sometimes during the pregnancy the wonderful, tangible excitement has been replaced by gut-wrenching fear. I read too much on Mumsnet for one thing, which generally teaches you that children are, I don't know, on a par with tarantulas. For another, all those people that were so keen for us to get pregnant have gleefully been squashing my enthusiasm with a great deal of bile ever since. Pregnancy, in my case, has sharpened the focus on people in my life. Suddenly I'm being interrogated with a light shone directly in my eyes.

Sorry for all the waffle. I guess I'm just trying to say that pretty much from the off, it can be scary and exciting and even a bit miserable, before the baby arrives. I think those feelings are totally normal. My DH expected me to feel maternal and protective as soon as I'd peed on a stick. I didn't start feeling that until one day, she moved, and my whole focus changed.

Purplecatti Tue 12-Feb-13 16:46:53

Oh and I was lucky, got no baby blues at all. My stomach was acceptable after a couple of weeks with no stretch marks. 14 weeks on and i just got an inch until I'm pre-baby size.

Purplecatti Tue 12-Feb-13 13:59:14

I gave birth 3 1/2 months ago. It is exhausting and several times I have windered what have I gotten myself in for? Then you look at this tiny little person you've made and every day amidst the tiredness and tears they do something new that's amazing.
I didn't get the rush of love when baby was first placed in my arms. I was in shock and badly injured. It hit me three weeks later when she looked me full in the face and grinned at me. It was like a lightening bolt hitting me. Here is this little person who is mine but also very much her own that wants and needs me and I am everything to her.
It is tough. It is exhausting. It is bewildering. It is lonely at times. But it is also wonderful.

pookysarah Mon 11-Feb-13 10:59:57

I'm new at this motherhood game (DS is 5 months old).
From where I stand most of what everyone says about motherhood is true, some of the time! Your experience will depend entirely on you, your circumstances, your partner, your baby...
Nothing really prepared me for pregnancy, childbirth or motherhood. The first 6 weeks, before they smile, is really tough. If I'm completely honest, there were times then that I thought I'd made a massive mistake - that feeling is normal. Then they smile at you! I didn't anticipate how chronic sleep deprivation would affect me, or how much things with DH would change.
I think for some women motherhood initially makes them feel very lost - I had a very strong pre-baby identity, career I loved, independence - and the adjustment takes a long time. Other women find a new exciting sense of purpose very quickly.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to really enjoy the time you have with your partner before baby and get your relationship as strong as possible.
Is is worth it? Absolutely.

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