close to breaking point ... really had enough :((62 Posts)
I'm literally ready to walk out and leave the kids with my dh, for a weekend or more. Just had enough and really need some support and help especially from those who have big age gaps.
I have dd aged 9 and ds 7 months. Both difficult ages and stages in totally different ways. The only luck is that dd adores ds so plays with him and I might get 5 seconds break.
My dd is very demanding at the moment. Ds is very demanding at the moment.
I spent a long time being a single parent to dd and to be honest I had forgotten how exhausting the baby stage is. Ds is a much wanted baby but I find myself tearing my hair out several times a day as I constantly run around after him as he's rolled himself awkwardly or whinging because he's lying flat and wants to sit up or vice versa.
He is impossible to get dressed as he hates putting clothes on and literally cries, same with putting a coat on even though I am being gentle. This means every journey anywhere starts with me being in a stressed and bad mood. Even though I try not to show it.
He doesn't like going to cafes etc no matter if we bring toys or not. He sits and moans and makes enjoying anything impossible.
I am in the middle of weaning and that's going ok but he is still drinking as much formula as he ever was.. which is fine.... but I feel like I really don't have a clue what I'm doing.
I never have any time to myself. At all. Unless dh has them which he does sometimes but he works 6 days a week at the moment 14 hours a day. I can't trust my mum with them (long story) I have no friends in real life.
I feel like crawling into a hole.
How are you feeling fairy?
Thank you. You're right I don't get any respite. But the difficulty is that dh works until 10 at the moment. By the time he gets in it is half ten and I go to bed at 9. We are literally like ships in the night. When he does have a day off (which is never two days in a row) the last thing he needs is to get up at 5/6 with ds after getting home at 11pm or me leaving him for hours to go out. Otherwise he doesn't get a rest either. I think we're both feeling really stressed at the moment. He does however have a week booked off for march so I have said to him that I'm going to go out for the day on my own. He was fine with that. Part of me wonders though if I'm just going to set myself up for a more difficult day the next day though as I'm not sure dh knows the routine I have got into with ds or whether he will stick toIt ...and I don't want him to feel I'm telling him what to do.
Part of our arguments are that he feels like even when he does do things for ds he feels like I'm hovering about, waiting to correct him. I really try not to interfere. I even take myself out of the room. I think it's just because I do it all day every day. It's difficult.
I'm not too worried about getting ds to sleep till 7 because at the moment 6-6 works well with being able to cook dinner in peace after he's in bed etc. Will see how it goes!
I just don't know how to reconnect with dh. I don't have the energy to stay up late or wait for him to come home.
I'm literally falling asleep on the sofa by half nine. Occasionaly I have made the effort to stay up to see him but then I feel awful.the next day.
I keep wondering how everything can go down the pan so much in 7 months.
There are no creches near where we live. I did look but the nearest one is an hours drive away, much too far. I need to go to see another nursery, maybe I could put ds in there one day a week ... if we could afford it. I doubt it. I don't know.
I'm scared as well. I'm scared I'm not very well or that I'll be seriously ill and there's no one apart from dh to look after the children. I'm scared of what will happen to them if I'm not here and dh needs to work. Irrational as there's no reason to even worry but I do.
I don't cope with the anxieties of being a parent.
Hi again Fairylea,
So pleased you've got on well with the book - it was my lifesaver - you've done so well, but is there anyway you can change 6-6 to 7-7? That extra hour in the morning will make a huge difference to how you feel.
From reading your posts the first thing I notice is you don't seem to get any respite. Is this correct? You're with the children all day and night and that is enough to send anyone over the age. When I went through a phase of being in all the time and with ds I became almost 'hermit like'. We would go out in the day (as I felt guilty for keeping him in) but I couldn't wait to get home as I was feeling so shit. I was eating loads, constantly online and feeling so depressed and down with my life. I also felt anxious he was picking up on my unhappiness.
It is a pain in the ass but when I did move, stop eating rubbish and push for 'me time' things did change. I hate the gym with a passion but started walking for 30mins at night as soon as dh got in. Sometimes it would be as late as 10pm but I needed that 30mins to clear my head and get some fresh air into my lungs.
I strongly urge you to incorporate some me time, when husband gets in go out straight away (alone to the cinema), meet a friend, whatever floats your boat. Drive around, just go out - it makes such a difference.
Others do manage yes, but others use help that is available. Even a childminder for one morning a week, a creche at the gym, research what's available where you live. Your mental health and happiness is priceless imo...
Do you have any friends that would sit for you for a couple of hours in the evening (any parents of your dd's friends?)
I'd call the doctors and push for an earlier appointment - say it's vital. Also, look at other methods - exercise, herbal remedies <disclaimer I am not qualified or have any knowledge of these> and go from there.
Things will change but you need to take the steps to change how you feel every day. <Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've realised we have to take the steps first to change our lives if we're not happy, no one else>
Thanks for the replies and ideas.
I'm sure it is depression in some ways but I'm on the waiting list at the gp for counselling and no idea when that will come through. I have problems taking antidepressants because they interact with other long term health problems I have.
Part of me does wonder if I'm just a miserable old git as well. If I could pack the kids off for two weeks I'm sure I wouldn't be depressed anymore.
I am just so angry and full of resentment. I find it so hard this time round. When dd was little I had my mum to help, I'd be able to have a lie in, go out, have a break. With ds I can't do any of that (mum and I have fallen out, she has major health problems and now lives apart from me).. yes I know lots of others manage. So I am going to have to suck it up.
I am still not really speaking to dh. We spent the weekend at home, he played with dd a lot. I just feel really angry with him and I'm not even sure why. Just everything.
I am avoiding touching him or having sex or anything. I can't even look at him because he is so hurt and disappointed and I can see it in his face. We never used to be like this. We used to go out, have fun, all the usual couple things. Now we have no one to look after the children and I wouldn't feel comfortable hiring a sitter so we just stay in. And I just feel resentful.
I am sure he is getting very depressed too.
Really not feeling better about things at all. And posting here just to offload really.
I just have to keep going.
You are def not alone. Please take comfort in that.
Feel free to pm me too. I would be more than happy to be there for u too for a friendly chat or to get it off your chest!
Good to hear some things have improved. Sleep being more sorted can massively help - though the little darlings have a habit of changing up on you just as you've got used to one thing don't they?!
I hope you don't mind me saying, but it sounds like you've maybe got a bit of low mood? Would you feel comfortable going to your hv or gp about it? Or just talking to someone in RL might help? Feel free to pm me if you want to let off steam - and don't worry about expectations re replying etc.
Also, maybe try to think about things as in its not that you can't be bothered, but that you haven't got the capacity for that right now...I find it helpful and removes some of the beating self up part.
Gonna have to rush as need to see to ds, but big hug and remember you're not alone in your feelings - it's amazing how others feel similarly when you open up.
oh and with regards to the sex i have gone off it too!! god knows why
Our ds is an early riser. waking up at about 5:30 - 6:15. But we are lucky enough that he sleeps through. His bedtime is 7:30 pm and i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep longer in a morning. i have just had to accept that thats his wake up time. I had a period of being very low and tearful a few weeks ago and i do occasionally get fed up still. I think it was sleep deprivation. I find myself shattered by tea time and most nights am in bed for 9 pm.
I do get quite irritable and tetchy and snap at my dp sometimes but i am very lucky in that he is extremely understanding.
We bought our 5month old ds a jumperoo which is brilliant. keeps him entertained for about half an hr if we are lucky, he gets bored and frustrated so then i just change his activity ie put him in his bouncy chair, do some row row row your boat and other songs with him, put him on his activity mat etc etc.
He has always been a whingy baby too and hates having his coat put on and god forbid we try put a hat on him! He also hates being washed and dressed etc screams most of the way through it (have to give him his hairbrush or something to hold which distracts him slightly from the job in hand).
When we want to eat lunch out its as tho he waits for our dinner to arrive then kicks off wanting to get out of his pram - needless to say one of us eats our lunch one handed whilst we have ds on our knee! We have just come to accept that thats what will probably happen and are always prepared for it now and in fact chuckle about it as thats his thing.
I think as they get older they become harder as they become rather fidgety wantin to sit when they cant therefore getting frustrated and whinging as a result. Our ds is only just rolling but is desperately tryin to sit up. Our ds like i say was always a whinge bag and in fact still us. Have u tried some white noise like your hairdryer or hoover to settle his whinges. Our ds finds it soothing and just lies there listening to it. so we bought a cd of white noise for him.
Is he teething by any chance?
Thanks. Weaning is a stressful time. I think everyone wonders if they're doing it right or not.... ! I know I do and this is my second.
Had a shit day today to be honest. Dh was home. Ds didnt nap well and was up after 20 mins all day, I didn't do anything different he just woke himself up. Consequently he wanted to go to bed at 5.30 and so I fear I may be back to the start again
I go to bed with a sense of dread that tomorrow I have to get up and do it all again. I wish I didn't feel that way.
Dh is upset as I've hardly talked to him for two days again. Yet alone touched him. I just feel angry about everything. I feel angry that he keeps on as if life is great and it's not great, it's crap and exhausting.
He wants to go somewhere tomorrow with the kids and I just don't see the point. Neither of them will appreciate it. Ds won't have a clue and dd will just want to get home on the pc. And I will be even more tired than now.
But then I know spending a whole day inside is awful too... bored kids etc.
I can't win.
God I just want two weeks off. I need a break. Not just a day out or a night out. A break.
Hi sorry you are having a bit of a bad time. Good news about ur progress. Read quite a bit of this thread but missed what the book was called which was recommended to you.
my son is 5 months and am weaning him too. Feel a bit uncertain about it too. I personally feel that my HV has basically left me to it. I am now giving him three lots of pureed food a day and have reduced the amount of milk down at each sitting as i found he was playing with the last few ounce as he was full from the food.
Well I've managed to get ds sleeping from 6-6 which is a massive improvement. And he's started having 2 hour naps during the day too. So I really can't complain about that anymore. Thank you for the book suggestion, it really really helped. I am very grateful.
On the other hand I'm still feeling really down. I feel like I am just stumbling through the days trying to get through to bedtime. I feel really unhappy about everything, I don't even know where to start. And then the other half of me thinks what the hell is wrong with me.
I find myself thinking about all kinds of things late at night ... my gran dying of cancer (she died 9 years ago, she lived with me and mum and we cared for her till the end).. I keep having horrible images of her last day. And how she sounded like she was choking when she breathed. I remember putting the tv on for her incase she could hear. I get scared that I will get cancer and die like that. I have flashbacks of the birth of ds and how I was on the operating table losingso much blood.
I remember all the doctors saying "no it's still going" and them looking scared the blood wouldn't stop.
I think back a few years when my ex husband had just left me and I went a bit crazy and had a bit of a wild time drinking too much, went out with someone from my work a lot younger than me. I felt young again. At 28 I felt like a teenager. I spent days up till 6am and then crawling into bed (dd was at her dad's for those days / weekends).
As sad as it sounds I miss feeling like that and yet I shouldn't. I have a wonderful family. But something just feels so empty inside me. I feel old. Like I'm just getting through each day and eventually I will be older and die like my gran.
Dh and I have been arguing again. We have a good few days when I make a lot of effort to engage and then it all goes crap again when I'm tired and I cant be bothered. I find myself just longing to be on my own. I do get time on my own as dh often works evenings and I go to bed before he gets in, but I don't know I just feel very uncomfortable, like I'm living with a very nice family but it's not my family.
I'm struggling with weaning ds too. Dd nearly choked to death on finger food so although we are now into mashed foods I just can't cope with the anxiety and responsibility of feeding him anything else.
I feel like I'm failing in so many areas.
I keep checking this thread to see if you have replied, so glad you have!
You sound SO much more positive which is wonderful. Pain in the ass forcing yourself to feel like that when everything seems shite but it really does work.....I know from bitter experience.
Glad the book arrived - hope you get on well with it. Everyone I know who read it and followed it has nailed the sleeping routine and is very happy, so good luck.
Don't feel like you have to entertain ds all day - lord, I don't know any saint that sits there playing with their dc all day - it would drive me up the wall.
Actually, I have a very wise friend who said she spent hours interacting and stimulating her dd and it turned into a situation where dd was too dependent on her - couldn't play alone, wanted constant stimulation and cuddles etc. She said she soon changed that with her son and he is happier in his own company, able to play alone, doesn't scream if she leaves the room etc and doesn't 'need her' as much.
Remember, he will get so much stimulation from just watching you, so do carry on as normal. Stick in him a bouncer/playmat as you clean/cook with the radio on talking to him etc. If he cries a lot, just carry on and maybe pick him up cuddle him and put him down again and show him Mummy is there but you can't hold him all the time.
Yes, take him to the doctors and again, please try and get out everyday as it is fresh air, exercise for you and change of scenery. I have a small flat so am very short of space and getting out everyday is a basic necessity for ds and I. It's amazing how it becomes part of your routine. Again, if he cries, he cries there's not much you can do - does he like the buggy/car?
Also, can you go to a group where it's a bit more structured so you're not forced to make friends or chat rubbish with others? How about a baby ryhme time/massage etc where someone leads the class, taking away the opportunity to chat to others.
I used to go to a music class for 30mins - everyone walked in, listened to the teacher, tried to stop their own child escaping/destroying the instruments/paid and left. It suited me perfectly and ds had a wonderful 2 hours sleep afterwards....
Oh, and the sex, well unless you are bothered, don't worry about it in the slightest - communication is key and that's great you're chatting with dh. Would you feel comfortable showing him this thread or telling him exactly how you are feeling?
Also, as soon as your dd goes to sleep remember the night is yours (if you can be bothered!) and you can go out, put a dress on, go to the gym. I love going to the cinema alone and try at least once a month - it's something wonderful to look forward to and dh loves his three hours alone to watch crap on TV.
Anyway, have rambled on for too long, onwards and upwards...
Glad you're feeling a bit better. I know what you mean with the being a mum not feeling natural, me neither. I somehow thought I would magically transform into a capable Mum when I had DD, when in reality I just feel like me but with a baby! I just make it up as I go along and do the best I can. I think we have a tendency to think of 'Mums' as a group of people we don't fit in with, when in reality there are lots of others who feel the same as we do. So going to the groups can often work out surprisingly well, it helps to meet others going thru similar things, it gives your LO a change of scene and it uses up time really easily that would be much harder to fill if u were on your own at home with him.
With my DD (i know she's a bit younger than your DS), I have several ways to amuse her and I just rotate them they the day between naps: music station (from elc), playmat/gym, laying her in her cot to watch mobile/play with toys, read books to her, let her sit on bouncer and watch me in kitchen, sitting in bouncer watching baby einstein dvd or cbeebies, sitting in high chair playing with toys on table, then also theres walks in pram, few music groups a week. It all adds up to fill the day. They don't amuse her for more than 10-15 mins usually, except In the Night Garden which she would happily watch all day!
Hope the sleep book you ordered and the sling both help. Please give a group a try, the music ones are good, or baby massage might help him relax? Oh and the reflux thing, I read sometimes they can have it till they are 2, so maybe it is still bothering him? As you say though, most likely teeth!
All the best x
Been a better few days... the book arrived today and I'm planning to take it to bed with me soon and give it a read.
I'm planning to get a Mei tai sling as they seem to suit older babies a bit better... I don't think ds liked the ultra snug fit of some of the stretchy ones. Will see.
Sex can just wait to be honest. I'm just trying to focus on one day at a time and trying to get through without wanting to bash my head on a wall for now. Dh and I are talking more though which is good.
Ds did have reflux when he was very little and had medication for it.. he seems to have grown out of it slowly but I think I might take him to the GP for a check up. I'm pretty sure most of it is teething as his bottom teeth have come through this week.
I find it hard knowing what to do with him during the day.. I do all the usual toys, singing, walking about, letting him roll about etc. It just doesn't seem to keep him happy for more than a few minutes at a time ... is that normal ? I can't remember from dd.
Sometimes I worry I'm not engaging enough for him.. I don't know.
I still haven't plucked up the courage to go to any groups. I'm worried everyone is going to look at me like some woman who is playing at being a mum. It doesn't come naturally to me
I feel a bit jealous of women who seem to love the baby stage
For me every day is so hard. But I'm focusing on the good things from the past few days.
Thanks for the advice x
Hi OP, my DD is 5 months but reading your story, I can identify very strongly with a lot of the feelings you're going through. I too find it very very stressful if DD cries, I just can't seem to let it flow over me like most people. I find myself afraid to take her out in the buggy in case she gets hysterical crying and I'm stuck somewhere. I'm also totally cut off from my DP, emotionally and physically. I know that's no help but just so you know you're not alone in feeling like this.
I just wanted to raise a point though, is it worth taking your DS to the GP just to get him checked out, in case his constant whinging is for a reason? For example, it could be an ear infection, or silent reflux? My DD SCREAMED every night for hours for the first few months, finally our hv diagnosed her with silent reflux, she's on meds now and do much better.
If its not an underlying cause, perhaps DS is a 'high-needs baby'? I was reading about it on a Dr Sears website. There is also a support group on here for mothers of high needs babies. It sounds like at the moment your DS just wants to feel close to you all the time. I know that's exhausting but if it stops him crying it might make you feel less stressed overall. Finally, in just a few more months he may start to talk and be able to tell you what he wants. This will pass in time, just keep focussing on the future.
Hope the counselling will help, it did with my PND. I had a big gap too - with my first being a dream baby and my second being a whirlwind and totally different character. He is a very academic, verbal, imaginative and whizzy child now and I love him for it. It was really hard going till he got talking.
Exercise really helped me hugely (in fact doing it daily made me feel almost normal) and so if you can try and go for a walk/run/exercise/zumba class. There are probably other things you can do for yourself - like a bubbly hot bath when baby is asleep. Do try and attend a few baby groups - it does help. I met a lovely mum at a play group who was brutally honest and said she was finding it hard. It's just good to chat.
When you start to feel happier, your kids will pick up too. Mine kind of sensed my sadness/stress and we were all whiny!
Excuse spelling mistakes. Posting from I phone! I meant seperation not desperation!
Sorry posted too soon! Even just 40 mins after school do you can get stuff done. You can reward her with increased pocket money or when dh at home take her out for a girls only treat. A coffee, a haircut, a film only suitable for older children etc! It will get better!
Hi, my kids are a lot olde 6 and 8 but I do remember this stage! Sounds like he is teething and suffering from desperation anxiety ( which does go fast) try getting PIL to help with child are so you get time to yourself or to meet a friend for coffee. Groups will help and it may just be that you look forward to meeting a few of them each week at the same group or over time you may want to meet up with them. These women will be going through the same things as you and just to know that and connect in that way will help. Also have you tried teething rings that have been warmed up in water or cooled down in the freezer or putting him in his car seat for half an hour in front of ceebeebies or put him in a bumbo chair with toys on reach. Offer him different toys every day. Put him in his high chair with chopped up banana or other suitable finger foods once the teething pain had gone and his appetite has increased again! Also offer larger meals to discourage milk drinking and start watering down the milk during the day maybe? See what your hv suggests in the drinking too much! Try playing with him each night for longer and longer to extend the time he goes to sleep or bath him later and later/ bedtime routine later and later and that may extend jos bed time and when had wakes in the morning. Also ask dd to help even if its playing with des as appose to chores. Just
fairylea I don't have much advice but I just wanted to add to the hand holding and unmumsnet hugs ((((())))). I was in a similar situation with my DD - DH was very unsupportive emotionally although he did / still does a lot around the house but I felt so very lonely. I agree with PPs that your DH needs to help, I found even a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep snatched on the odd afternoon DH could help out really helped.
I am not a big fan of mother and baby groups but i found ones which didn't last too long and had lots of stimulation for DD were bearable for me and tired DD out so she slept really well afterwards. Monkey music is my favourite as it tires her out completely and only lasts for half an hour.
I know you said your LO didn't like slings before but if you want, I have a spare Kari-mi sling, if you want it, just PM me and if your DS doesn't like it, you can always pass it on to someone else.
And do keep posting here ... When DD had relfux, it was the only thing that kept me sane.
I wish I had more helpful advice but I am sending enormous hugs and a large glass of wine
You are doing a tremendous job! Hang in there, and do keep posting
Go on your local freecycle group and ask if anyone has one they don't need? Then if it doesn't work, no money spent and you can freecycle it again yourself.
Good luck, it's so hard to pull yourself up even a little when day to day life is grinding you down so badly.
I meant dh, not she!!
just a quick one as I'm on my phone and hate typing on it-have u tried a sling library? they are about a fiver in my local one for a fortnight loan and the person who runs it will help u try different ones to find what suits u.
FWIW me and she have had sex about 3times since dd was born in April! I just don't have the energy or desire and I know dh is a bit upset about it.
definitely try a group just to pop in for a coffee and if u don't like it or feel uncomfortable then just say it's naptime and leave.
hope the weekend is going ok for u.
Thank you very much notebook, and thank you very much for the kind comments about my posts. I don't have any idea what I'm saying half the time I just try and talk to everyone as I would doIf it were me talking to me!
You're right about the groups. And about dh. I think he is just finding it hard because I am so emotionally closed down. Literally I do not talk to him at all. We are civil for the children, in fact we sat and played card games with dd last night and she loved it but when she went to bed dh and I sat in silence until I went to bed.
I just cannot find any energy or way to start a conversation and when I do try about random stuff dh knows I'm just being superficial and he doesn't really engage. So we give up.
We are still not touching at all or kissing either. Nothing. Which is fine by me as I have no desire to do anything at all. But at the same time I feel sad because I know it's not normal to feel that way and dh is feeling like I've gone off him even though he hasn't said anything.
I feel like everything is broken really and I don't know how to fix it. When I think about having ds and how happy and together we were I just feel sad, I don't know where it's all gone.
I feel very disconnected from dh. I find myself getting ridiculously angry with him about stupid things and having to swallow the anger as there is no point in another argument so I have to let it go.
I am going to try and be brave this week and find a baby group. I think what worries me is I don't want a friend I have to feel yet more responsibility for, to keep in touch with, do things for, owe time to. I don't have anything left to give. But I do need to amuse ds and so I will give it a go.
Ds has been really difficult today ... I took him for a long walk round town and had a coffee which he was fine during it all and enjoyed looking at the people and I actually thought I can do this... but from the minute we got home he's just cried on and off. Teeth again I think. I don't know. I gave him some calpol and teething stuff. He didn't seem to want to do anything - no toys, singing, quiet time, looking at books etc. Nothing.
All he wanted was to be constantly walked round being held (which I did but I am exhausted) and constant bottles.
He's lost interest in food the last few days..it's like he can't be bothered despite a varied diet being offered and finger food and will just want a bottle instead. So I've just been flowing with him really.
Sorry for long post. No one to talk to really and need to share.
Hi FairyLea - so sorry that you are in a bad place at the moment. I have always noticed the helpful and sensible posts you have written, especially when giving advice to mothers who are bottle feeding. I have PND too, although mine is anxiety based, and it's crippling. If your DH is aware of your past bout of PND, and also of the way you are feeling now, then he needs to give you a break. Can you point him in the direction of websites that give information and advice to the partners of women with PND? The NHS one, and the one on Netmums are both very good at explaining everything.
I really think that having your partner's support is key. He needs to understand how vital it is that you get some respite, even if it's just so you can go upstairs and be by yourself for a few hours. This is surely not impossible. I imagine that with him working so much he would enjoy spending the time with the children, and obviously he can see how stressed and unhappy you are. Calling you miserable isn't helpful. It is possible though that he finds you being unhappy stressful and it's this that causes him to be defensive I've been guilty of this in the past.
I know you don't feel up to seeing people but please, please rethink this. It won't do you any good being on your own all the time. Even if you can meet a friend once a week they can hold your gorgeous (even if he is whingey!) baby while you drink a cup of tea? Some mother and baby groups are quite nice too. It's just chit chat a lot of the time and you don't have to make friends for life but it passes a couple of hours. I also went to Puddle Ducks baby swimming lessons with my DD which was a bit of a life line at times. I second the person who says babies sleep well after swimming. Mine would down a bottle and then be off for two hours. Never like this at other times.
Our babies are the same age and like you I thought I would be 'better' by now but it doesn't always work like that. I have good days and bad days and good mornings and bad afternoons and vice versa. Get in touch with HV and get some help. PM me if you want to vent. I do understand. My DS is 5.5 so pretty big age gap here too.
xxxx hugs (don't give a crap if they're not 'mumsnetty' ... )